Olivia: Your biggest strength as a manager—being helpful and solving problems—is probably your greatest weakness. In fact, it might be the very thing that's burning you out and making your team less effective. Jackson: Hold on, that feels like a trap. Every performance review I've ever had praises 'proactive problem-solving.' You're telling me that being the go-to person with all the answers is actually a bad thing? Olivia: It can be a very seductive trap. And it’s the central paradox we're exploring today through a book that has sold over a million copies precisely because it tackles this problem head-on. We're diving into The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier. Jackson: Michael Bungay Stanier. The name itself is memorable. Olivia: And so is he. This isn't your typical business guru. He’s a Rhodes Scholar who was once sued for defamation in law school and whose first published work was a Harlequin-style romance short story. Jackson: Wait, a Rhodes Scholar who writes romance novels and then pens one of the biggest leadership books of the century? Okay, now I'm listening. That's a resume that screams 'I don't follow the standard playbook.' Olivia: Exactly. And his core message is just as unconventional. He argues that most of our management headaches come from one single, well-intentioned source: a creature he calls the Advice Monster.

Jackson: The Advice Monster. I feel like I know him intimately. He's that voice in my head that, when a friend is venting, is already mentally drafting a three-point plan to fix their life before they've even finished their first sentence. Olivia: That's him! Stanier says we all have one. It’s that compulsion to jump in with a solution, an opinion, a suggestion. It feels good, right? It makes us feel smart, useful, and in control. But it creates what he calls a vicious cycle. Think about it: your team member comes to you with a problem. You, being the helpful manager, immediately solve it for them. Jackson: Right, problem solved. I'm efficient. They're unblocked. Everyone wins. Olivia: Do they? In the short term, maybe. But what happens next time? They come back to you again. And again. Soon, your team becomes dependent on you. They stop trying to solve things themselves because they know you'll do it faster. Your workload explodes because you've become the bottleneck for every decision. You're overwhelmed, and they're disempowered. Jackson: Huh. When you put it like that, it sounds less like 'efficiency' and more like a slow-motion disaster. I'm doing their job and my job. Olivia: Precisely. And this dynamic often locks us into what Stanier, borrowing from psychology, calls the Drama Triangle. It’s a toxic little three-role play. There’s the Victim, who feels powerless and put-upon. There’s the Persecutor, who blames and criticizes. And then there's the most dangerous role for managers: the Rescuer. Jackson: The Rescuer. The hero who swoops in to save the day. That sounds like a good guy! Olivia: That's the trap! The Rescuer swoops in, thinking they're helping, but what they're really doing is reinforcing the Victim's powerlessness. They take over, which sends the message, "You can't handle this without me." Stanier tells this hilarious and painful story about arriving at a venue for a speech. The room is set up all wrong. He immediately starts complaining to the organizer—he's the Persecutor. Jackson: I can picture it. The demanding speaker. Olivia: The organizer gets flustered and says, "The logistics people won't listen to me, I'm so overwhelmed!"—she's become the Victim. So Stanier, feeling bad, switches roles. He says, "Don't worry, I'll fix it! I'll move the tables myself!" Now he's the Rescuer. Jackson: Oh no. I see where this is going. Olivia: The organizer, now feeling patronized, flips to Persecutor and snaps at him for being so demanding. And in the end, Stanier is left feeling unappreciated and exhausted—he's become the Victim. In the span of two minutes, they've cycled through all three roles, and nothing has actually been solved. All because his Advice Monster, his inner Rescuer, jumped in. Jackson: That is painfully relatable. So if jumping in to rescue people is the problem, what's the alternative? Just stand there and watch them struggle? Olivia: This is where Stanier’s genius lies. The way you escape the Drama Triangle and tame the Advice Monster is, paradoxically, by being a little bit lazier and a lot more curious.

Jackson: Okay, 'be lazy' is career advice I have not heard before. My entire professional life has been a war against laziness. What does that even mean in this context? Olivia: It means stop taking responsibility for solving problems that aren't yours. Your job as a leader isn't to have all the answers. It's to help your team find their own answers. And you do that by asking simple, powerful questions. This is the heart of the book. Stanier gives us seven, but let's focus on two that are absolute game-changers. Jackson: Lay them on me. Olivia: The first is what he calls the AWE question. A-W-E. It’s simply: "And what else?" Jackson: That's it? "And what else?" That feels... underwhelming. Olivia: It's deceptively powerful. Someone comes to you with an idea or a problem. Your Advice Monster is screaming, "Here's what you should do!" But you bite your tongue. You listen. And then you ask, "And what else?" Stanier says the first answer is almost never the only answer, and it's rarely the best one. Jackson: I guess that's true. My first idea is usually just the most obvious one. Olivia: Exactly. Asking "And what else?" does three magical things. First, it generates more options, which leads to better decisions. Research shows that when we only consider one option—a 'whether or not' decision—we have a failure rate of over 50%. Just adding one more option cuts that failure rate almost in half. Second, it tames your Advice Monster. It forces you to stay curious and listen. And third, it buys you time to actually think. Jackson: It’s like that old TV pitchman, Ron Popeil, with his "But wait, there's more!" You're not settling for the first offer. Olivia: That's a perfect analogy! You keep asking "And what else?" until the person says, "There is nothing else." At that point, you've probably uncovered a much richer, deeper understanding of the situation. You've moved beyond the surface-level symptom. Jackson: Okay, I can see that. It gets more stuff on the table. But what if the stuff on the table is a giant, tangled mess of problems? I've had conversations where someone just dumps a dozen different issues on me at once. Olivia: That's where the second question comes in. This is the Focus Question, and it's designed to cut through that fog. It's: "What's the real challenge here for you?" Jackson: "For you." That last part seems important. Olivia: It's critical. Stanier tells a story about a manager whose employee is like a didgeridoo player—just an endless, circular-breathed monologue of problems. The website is late, marketing is slow, the budget is a mess, my car won't start... It's overwhelming. The manager’s instinct is to start firefighting all of it. Jackson: Which is impossible. Olivia: Right. So instead, the manager waits for a pause and asks, "This is all useful. Out of all of that, what's the real challenge here for you?" That one question forces the person to stop, reflect, and prioritize. It shifts the focus from the external chaos to their internal point of leverage. Suddenly, the conversation isn't about the ten problems; it's about the one thing that, if solved, might make the other nine easier. Jackson: I like that. It puts the ownership back on them to find the center of the issue. But I have to ask the question that some critics of the book bring up: Doesn't this feel a bit... robotic? If I just keep asking these two or three questions, won't people feel like I'm running a script on them? Olivia: That's a fair critique, and Stanier addresses it. The questions themselves are just tools. The real change is the mindset behind them: genuine curiosity. You're not asking "And what else?" like a robot checking a box. You're asking because you are genuinely curious to know what else is on their mind. You're asking "What's the real challenge for you?" because you genuinely want to help them find focus. If the curiosity is real, the interaction feels authentic. The questions are just the tracks that curiosity runs on. Jackson: So the questions are a technique to practice the habit of being curious. Which brings me to the big problem. I get the questions. They make sense. But in the heat of the moment, when my Advice Monster is roaring, how do I actually remember to do this? How do you make it a real habit?

Olivia: That's the million-dollar question, and it’s where the book gets incredibly practical. Stanier draws heavily on the science of habit formation, like the work in Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit. He says willpower is a myth. You can't just decide to be a better coach. You have to build a system. He offers a beautifully simple tool called the New Habit Formula. Jackson: A formula. Okay, I like formulas. They're easy to remember. Olivia: It has three parts. "When this happens..."—that's the trigger. "Instead of..."—that's your old, unwanted habit. "I will..."—that's the new, desired habit. Jackson: Give me an example. Olivia: Okay. Let's say the trigger is: "When a team member sends me a long, panicked email asking for help." That's the 'When'. The old habit, your Advice Monster's move, is: "Instead of immediately writing a long reply telling them exactly what to do..." Jackson: I know that one well. My fingers are already typing the solution. Olivia: The new habit is: "I will take a breath, and reply with one of the coaching questions. For instance, 'This is a great summary. Before I jump in, what's the real challenge here for you?'" Jackson: Ah, so it's like setting a simple 'if-then' rule for your brain. If X happens, I will do Y. It's not about remembering to be a 'coach' in the abstract; it's about identifying a specific moment and having a pre-planned, five-second action to take. Olivia: You've got it. You identify the moments your Advice Monster usually shows up—in a one-on-one, when someone says "I'm stuck," when you get that panicked email—and you create a new, tiny, repeatable action. You start small. Maybe you just try to ask "And what else?" one time in your next meeting. That's it. You practice that small loop until it becomes automatic. Jackson: That actually feels... doable. It's not a personality transplant. It's just a small software update for a few key conversational moments. Olivia: That's the whole philosophy. A little less advice, a little more curiosity. One question at a time. It's a habit, not a heroic transformation. And that habit has a massive ripple effect on your impact and your workload.

Jackson: So when you boil it all down, this isn't really about becoming a 'coach' in the formal sense, is it? It’s about rewiring a fundamental instinct. Olivia: Exactly. The big insight here is that leadership isn't about having the best answers; it's about asking the best questions. By resisting the urge to solve everything, you create space for others to learn, to grow, and to take ownership. You work less hard, but you have more impact. You're not just managing tasks; you're developing people. Jackson: You're moving from being the hero of every story to being the guide who helps other people become the heroes of their own. Olivia: What a perfect way to put it. And Stanier actually ends the book with a final, brilliant question that wraps this all up. It's the Learning Question. At the end of any conversation, you ask: "What was most useful for you?" Jackson: Oh, I like that. It forces a moment of reflection. It makes the other person crystallize the value of the conversation themselves. Olivia: Yes, and it's based on the neuroscience of learning. We remember things better when we retrieve the information ourselves. Asking that question interrupts the process of forgetting and helps the learning stick. It also gives you, the manager, immediate feedback on what's actually landing. Jackson: So the challenge for everyone listening is pretty simple then. Don't try to memorize all seven questions. Just pick one. Maybe it's the AWE question. Just try asking "And what else?" once today instead of immediately giving advice. Olivia: That's the perfect starting point. See what happens. Notice how it feels to stay curious for just a moment longer. And let us know how it goes. We're always curious to hear how these ideas land in the real world. Jackson: Because the real change happens not in knowing, but in doing. Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.