Olivia: The single most common piece of leadership advice is to “add value.” But what if the very act of trying to add value, of giving your brilliant advice, is the one thing that’s secretly killing your team’s motivation and effectiveness? Jackson: Wait, what? My whole job description is basically “add value.” Are you telling me I should just... sit there and do nothing? That feels like the fastest way to get fired. Olivia: It feels completely counter-intuitive, right? But that’s the provocative idea at the heart of the book we’re diving into today: The Advice Trap by Michael Bungay Stanier. Jackson: Ah, Stanier. I’ve heard of him. He wrote that other huge bestseller, The Coaching Habit. Olivia: Exactly. And this isn't some stuffy academic. Stanier is a former Rhodes Scholar who also, get this, had his first paid writing gig for a Harlequin romance-style story called “The Male Delivery.” Jackson: No way. A Rhodes Scholar writing romance novels? Okay, I’m listening. That tells me this won't be your typical, dry leadership manual. Olivia: Far from it. That mix of high-brow intellect and playful, practical communication is exactly what makes his work so powerful. He argues that our deep-seated instinct to give advice, to jump in and solve problems for people, is actually a trap. It’s a behavior that feels helpful but ultimately disempowers everyone, including ourselves. Jackson: I have to admit, that hits close to home. The number of times I’ve cut someone off mid-sentence because I thought I had the perfect solution... it’s embarrassing. I feel like I have this little monster on my shoulder whispering, “Go on, fix it for them! Be the hero!” Olivia: You’ve just perfectly named the villain of this story. Stanier calls that impulse the “Advice Monster.” And he says we all have one.

Jackson: An Advice Monster. I love that. It makes it sound less like a personal failing and more like a gremlin I need to stop feeding after midnight. So what does this monster look like? Does it have horns? Olivia: It has three different faces, actually. Stanier uses this wonderful analogy of a childhood dress-up box. We can put on different costumes depending on the situation. The first, and most common, is the “Tell-It” monster. Jackson: Tell-It. Let me guess: this is the one that’s absolutely convinced it knows best and just needs to tell everyone what to do. Olivia: Precisely. The Tell-It monster’s core belief is, “My advice is better than your advice.” It’s the voice that makes you interrupt, finish people’s sentences, and lead with your opinion. And the research backs up how damaging this is. Leadership expert Joe Folkman found that leaders who default to giving advice are consistently rated as less likable and are terrible at developing others. Jackson: Ouch. That’s a direct hit. I can feel my Tell-It monster wincing right now. It’s driven by good intentions, though! I want to help them get to the answer faster. Olivia: And that leads us to the second persona, which might be even more insidious: the “Save-It” monster. This is the rescuer. The one who sees someone struggling and feels an overwhelming compulsion to swoop in and take the problem off their hands. Its mantra is, “I must save them from failure!” Jackson: Okay, now you’re really attacking my core identity as a manager. Isn't my job to protect my team, to make sure they don’t fail? If I see a project about to go off the rails, I’m supposed to just watch it burn? Olivia: That’s the trap! It feels like you’re helping, but what you’re actually communicating is, “You’re not capable of handling this on your own.” Think about Daniel Pink’s research on motivation from his book Drive. He found that what truly motivates us isn't money or perks, but three intrinsic things: autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Jackson: Right, the desire to direct our own lives, get better at stuff, and work on something meaningful. Olivia: Exactly. Every time the Save-It monster jumps in, it robs the other person of all three. It strips their autonomy by taking over, it denies them the chance to build mastery by solving the problem themselves, and it makes their work feel less purposeful because the ultimate responsibility isn't theirs. You become a bottleneck, and they become dependent. Jackson: Wow. When you put it like that, my heroic “saving” starts to look a lot like helicopter parenting in the office. I’m not developing my people; I’m just creating a team of people who can’t function without me. Which, now that I say it out loud, sounds exhausting. Olivia: It is! And that brings us to the third face of the monster: the “Control-It” monster. This one is a close cousin of Save-It, but its focus is on maintaining order. It believes that if it doesn’t control the situation, the conversation, and the outcome, then chaos will erupt. It’s the one that needs to set the agenda, steer every discussion, and ensure everything goes according to its plan. Jackson: The ultimate micromanager. The one who thinks if they let go of the steering wheel for one second, the car will immediately drive off a cliff. Olivia: You got it. The Control-It monster is terrified of uncertainty. The problem is, innovation and real problem-solving happen in that messy, uncertain space. By controlling everything, you squeeze out all the oxygen for creativity and genuine collaboration. You end up with compliance, not commitment. Jackson: Tell-It, Save-It, and Control-It. It’s like a whole dysfunctional family of monsters living in my head. And the crazy part is, they all disguise themselves as being helpful and responsible. They’re masters of propaganda. Olivia: That’s their power! They offer you a short-term win. You get to feel smart, capable, and in control. It’s like the famous Marshmallow Test. The Advice Monster is offering you one marshmallow right now—the quick hit of feeling valuable. But it’s costing you the two marshmallows of having a team that’s empowered, autonomous, and actually growing. Jackson: Okay, I’m convinced. I have an Advice Monster. It’s ugly. It’s sabotaging my team and burning me out. How do I get rid of it? Do I need an exorcist? Olivia: Thankfully, no exorcism is required. That's the beauty of Stanier's work. The solution isn't some complex, 12-step program. It’s about learning to do one simple thing: stay curious a little longer.

Jackson: Stay curious longer. That sounds nice, but also a bit... fluffy. In the middle of a chaotic Tuesday with deadlines looming, how does ‘being curious’ actually help me? Olivia: It’s the most practical tool you have. Stanier reframes it. He says your job isn’t to have the answers; your job is to create a space where the answers can emerge. And you do that by making the conversation a place people want to be in, not escape from. He has this brilliant, simple framework for understanding the neuroscience of engagement called TERA. Jackson: TERA? Okay, that sounds a bit like corporate-speak. Break it down for me. Olivia: It’s an acronym for four things our brain is constantly scanning for in any social interaction. T is for Tribe. The brain is asking, “Are you with me, or against me? Are we on the same team?” Jackson: Okay, a sense of belonging. Got it. Olivia: E is for Expectation. “Do I know what’s about to happen, or is this unpredictable and scary?” The brain craves certainty. Jackson: Makes sense. Ambiguity is stressful. Olivia: R is for Rank. This one is huge. The brain is asking, “Are you treating me as more important, less important, or equal to you?” When someone’s rank feels threatened, they shut down. Jackson: And I’m guessing my Tell-It monster is a one-man rank-destroying machine. Olivia: Absolutely. And finally, A is for Autonomy. “Do I have a say in this? Do I have a choice?” When our Advice Monster shows up, it tramples all over TERA. It makes the other person feel like they’re in a different tribe (the one that needs fixing), it creates uncertainty, it lowers their rank, and it removes their autonomy. It basically sends a signal to their brain: “This is not a safe place. Flee!” Jackson: So the goal is to raise the TERA quotient. To make the conversation feel safe and engaging. How do you do that? Olivia: With questions. It’s that simple. Instead of leading with your advice, you lead with your curiosity. This flips the entire dynamic. When you ask a genuine question, you’re instantly signaling that you’re in the same Tribe. You’re raising their Rank by showing you value their thoughts. And you’re giving them Autonomy to shape the conversation. Jackson: Can you give me a concrete example? Let’s say my employee comes to me and says, “I’m totally overwhelmed with this project.” My Save-It monster wants to immediately say, “Okay, let me take tasks A and B off your plate, and you just focus on C.” What do I do instead? Olivia: Instead of rushing to action, you stay curious. You could ask Stanier’s favorite opening question: “What’s on your mind?” After they vent, instead of solving it, you ask the Kickstart Question: “So, what’s the real challenge here for you?” Jackson: “What’s the real challenge here for you?” I like that. It forces them to move past the surface-level panic and actually diagnose the problem themselves. They might realize the problem isn’t the workload, but that they’re unclear on the priority, or they’re afraid of asking another department for help. Olivia: Exactly! You’re helping them find the real problem, which is something your advice, based on their initial complaint, would have completely missed. You’re solving the right problem. This connects to what leadership researcher Liz Wiseman found in her work on “Multiplier” leaders. She studied what separated leaders who got twice the capability out of their teams from those who diminished them. Jackson: And what was the magic ingredient? Olivia: The single biggest distinguishing characteristic was “intellectual curiosity.” The best leaders were the ones who were more coach-like. They asked the questions that made everyone else in the room smarter. They didn't provide the answers; they unlocked them in others. Jackson: So being a great leader is actually about being a little bit lazy. Letting them do the work. Olivia: Stanier literally says one of the core principles is “Be Lazy.” Your job is to stop being the first responder for every problem. Your job is to build the problem-solving capacity of your team. And you do that by asking simple, powerful questions. Another great one is, “And what else?” After they share an idea, you just ask, “And what else?” It’s amazing what comes out in the silence after that question. The first answer is rarely the only answer, and almost never the best one. Jackson: It’s so simple it feels like a trick. But I can see how it works. You’re creating a vacuum that they have to fill with their own thinking. You’re not just giving them a fish; you’re forcing them to figure out how the fishing rod works. Olivia: And in doing so, you’re building a team that is more resilient, more innovative, and less dependent on you. You tame your Advice Monster, and you unleash their potential. You escape the Advice Trap.

Jackson: You know, as we talk through this, I realize this whole thing isn't really about not giving advice forever. It’s about changing our default setting from ‘transmit’ to ‘receive.’ It's about earning the right to give advice, and only after you've fully understood the real challenge. Olivia: That’s a perfect way to put it. The book isn’t anti-advice; it’s anti-advice-as-default. It’s about realizing that your silence and your questions are often far more valuable, and far more empowering, than your answers. Jackson: It’s a fundamental shift in what it means to lead. We’re so often taught that leaders are the ones with the vision, the plan, the answers. The ones who stand at the front and point the way. Olivia: And Stanier’s work challenges that directly. He argues that modern leadership isn't about having the best ideas; it's about creating an environment where the best ideas can emerge, from anywhere in the organization. The Advice Trap keeps the spotlight on you, the leader. It feeds your ego. The coaching habit, this habit of curiosity, puts the spotlight on the team's collective intelligence. It’s a profound shift from being the hero to being the hero-maker. Jackson: I love that. Be the hero-maker. That feels so much more impactful, and honestly, more sustainable. Olivia: So the challenge for everyone listening is simple. In your very next conversation today, whether it’s with a team member, your partner, or a friend, when you feel that urge to give advice, just pause. Take a breath. And instead, ask one more question. Stanier's favorite is, “And what else?” Just try it and see what happens. Jackson: A small, practical experiment. I can do that. And we'd love to hear how it goes for all of you. Find us on our socials and tell us about your own Advice Monster moments. What persona is your go-to? Are you a Tell-It, a Save-It, or a Control-It? Be honest! Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.