Narrator: Imagine asking your boss for a performance review, only to have her launch into it while you’re both in stalls in a public restroom. This isn't a hypothetical scenario; it’s the real-life experience of author Therese Huston. Pressed for time, her well-meaning but overwhelmed boss delivered feedback in the most inappropriate setting imaginable, leaving Huston unable to take notes or even process the information. This bizarre incident perfectly captures a universal truth: giving and receiving feedback is one of the most stressful and poorly executed rituals of professional life. Many managers dread it, employees are stressed by it, and more often than not, it fails to produce any real change. In her book, Let's Talk, Therese Huston dissects why this crucial process so often goes wrong and provides a clear, actionable framework for transforming feedback from a source of anxiety into a powerful catalyst for growth.

Narrator: A fundamental reason feedback conversations fail is that people are often speaking different languages without realizing it. Huston argues that the generic term "feedback" is uselessly vague. Instead, there are three distinct types of feedback, each serving a different human need: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Appreciation makes people feel seen and valued. Coaching is about helping someone improve and grow. Evaluation clarifies where someone stands against expectations or standards.

The problem arises when an employee is seeking one type but receives another. Consider the story of Wayne, a former professional football player who transitioned to a consulting firm. He knew he wasn't bringing in enough new business, but he lacked the confidence and understanding to do so. He needed coaching. Instead, his supervisor gave him a harsh evaluation, telling him he wasn't showing enough initiative compared to his peers. The supervisor offered no guidance, no support, and no path forward. Wayne felt that asking for help would only confirm his boss's negative assessment. Discouraged and unsupported, he left the firm within six months. Wayne was asking for coaching, but he received a cold evaluation, a mismatch that ultimately cost the company a potentially valuable employee. By first identifying what an employee truly needs—to be appreciated, coached, or evaluated—a manager can ensure the conversation is productive rather than destructive.

Narrator: Before a single word is spoken, the manager’s mindset sets the tone for the entire feedback exchange. Huston identifies a common pitfall: siding with the problem instead of the person. When a manager does this, the employee feels isolated and attacked, making them defensive and unreceptive. This was the case for Cassidy, a senior software engineer who, despite positive weekly check-ins, was ambushed in his annual review. His boss’s boss accused him of giving bad advice that caused "massive problems," but refused to provide any specific examples. Throughout this, Cassidy’s direct manager remained silent, offering no support or defense. By failing to side with his employee, the manager made Cassidy feel completely alone, destroying trust and making it impossible for any real learning to occur. The most effective mindset is one of partnership, where the manager and employee stand together to look at the problem. This requires a growth mindset—the belief that people can change—and a genuine curiosity about the employee's perspective.

Narrator: Managers often assume their good intentions are obvious. Research shows the opposite is true. Employees are hardwired to be suspicious, and when receiving difficult news, they tend to "shoot the messenger," attributing negative or selfish motives to the person delivering it. Therefore, simply having good intentions is not enough; they must be stated explicitly. Huston shares the story of Terri, a graduate student who was insecure about her writing. When her advisor, Marlene, learned Terri was offered a writing-heavy job, she gave her brutally honest feedback about her deficiencies. But Marlene cushioned the blow by starting with a clear statement of her intention: "I want you to be happy." That single sentence changed everything. It allowed Terri to hear the difficult truth not as an attack, but as an act of care. Though painful in the moment, the feedback was transformative. Terri turned down the job, worked on her writing, and eventually became a professional writer. The difficult message was only effective because the good intention behind it was spoken aloud.

Narrator: When a person feels threatened, their brain goes into lockdown. Stress floods the system with cortisol, impairing memory and reducing cognitive flexibility. This means a person receiving threatening feedback is biologically incapable of processing it effectively. To make feedback work, a manager must first minimize this sense of threat. Huston introduces the SCARF model, which identifies five key domains that influence our social brain: Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness. A perceived attack on any of these domains can trigger a threat response. For example, giving critical feedback to someone in front of their peers threatens their Status and Relatedness. The goal is to frame the conversation in a way that boosts, rather than diminishes, these five areas. This could mean giving the person autonomy in finding a solution, reassuring them of their value to the team, or simply being transparent to increase certainty. By consciously working to lower the threat level, a manager ensures the employee’s brain stays open and ready to learn.

Narrator: When it comes to coaching, the most common mistake managers make is to jump straight to giving advice. A more effective approach is to ask more and tell less. Huston tells the story of an HR manager, Juan, observing a hotel front desk clerk named Madeline. Madeline's general manager criticized her for not making an "emotional connection" with a hurried guest. Juan, however, took a different approach. He asked Madeline, "Talk to me—what happened?" Madeline explained the guest was late for an important call and just wanted his key. By asking, Juan learned the context his boss had missed. He then asked a coaching question: "I wonder what would happen if you still tried to make an emotional connection?" This prompted Madeline to brainstorm her own solution: she wrote a personal note and slipped it under the guest's door. The guest was so impressed he wrote a stellar Yelp review mentioning her by name. Juan didn't give an order; he started a conversation that empowered Madeline to solve the problem herself.

Narrator: Unconscious bias profoundly corrupts the feedback process, and managers must be vigilant in fighting it. This bias is especially damaging along gender and racial lines. Huston points to the story of writer Catherine Nichols, who, frustrated with rejections, sent her novel manuscript to agents under a male pseudonym, "George Leyer." The results were staggering. As Catherine, she received almost no useful feedback. As George, she received detailed, constructive coaching and significantly more interest. The work was identical; the only thing that changed was the perceived gender of the author. This experiment starkly reveals a hidden reality: men are often coached for success, while women are judged on personality. Women are criticized for being "aggressive" or "abrasive" for behaviors that are praised as "confident" in men. To combat this, feedback must be tied to specific, observable behaviors and business outcomes, not vague personality traits. By being aware of these biases and actively working to provide equitable, specific, and actionable feedback to everyone, managers can create a truly fair environment for growth.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Let's Talk is that effective feedback is not about delivering a perfect monologue, but about facilitating a safe and productive dialogue. The goal is not to be a brilliant talker, but a phenomenal listener. When an employee feels that their manager is on their side, that their perspective is valued, and that the intention is genuinely to help them succeed, they become open to hearing even the most difficult truths.

The book's most challenging and practical idea is the discipline of separating our observations from our stories. We observe a behavior—a missed deadline, a curt email—and we instantly create a story to explain it: "He's lazy," or "She's not a team player." These stories, which are often wrong, poison the feedback before it's even given. The real challenge is to pause, stick to the observable facts, and then get curious about the other person's story. What if, the next time you feel frustrated by a colleague's actions, you resist the urge to write the narrative and instead simply ask, "I noticed this happened. Can you help me understand what's going on?" That single shift can change everything.