Olivia: Alright Jackson, I'm going to say the title of a leadership book, and I want your brutally honest, one-liner review, sight unseen. Ready? Jackson: Born ready. Olivia: Extraordinary Influence: How Great Leaders Bring Out the Best in Others. Jackson: Sounds like the title of a pamphlet they'd hand you at a timeshare presentation for a cult. Olivia: Okay, that's harsh, but you've actually hit on a key tension. Today we’re diving into Extraordinary Influence by Dr. Tim Irwin. And Irwin is no cult leader; he's a PhD and a long-time consultant for major organizations, including decades with Chick-fil-A. Jackson: Ah, so a highly reputable, non-cult-affiliated author. Got it. Olivia: Exactly. But what's fascinating, and why your joke lands, is that the book has had this interesting reception. Many readers and leaders find its core ideas transformational. But some critics have called the writing itself a bit clunky or simplistic. Jackson: Oh, I love that. So the message might be brilliant, but the delivery is debatable? That's the perfect thing for us to unpack. Is the idea strong enough to shine through? Olivia: That is precisely the question. And to get at the core idea, Irwin starts with this hilarious and painful story he calls the 'Blue Suitcase Phenomenon.'

Jackson: The 'Blue Suitcase Phenomenon'? What on earth is that? Olivia: It’s a personal story. Irwin and his family are on a trip to Lisbon. To save money, his wife, Anne, packs a big blue suitcase full of food—cereal with room-temperature milk, tuna fish, saltines. For four days, the kids are miserable, the family is hostile, and they're all eating this dreadful food. Jackson: I've been on that family vacation. It's a rite of passage. Olivia: Right? But on the last night, Irwin checks the hotel bill and discovers that all of their meals—gourmet, three-course meals in the beautiful hotel dining room—were included in their room fee the entire time. They had already paid for excellence. Jackson: Oh, no. That is physically painful to hear. They chose misery when luxury was waiting for them. Olivia: Exactly. And that is his metaphor for the modern workplace. He argues most organizations are sitting on immense potential, but they're choosing to eat tuna out of a blue suitcase. They're settling for mediocrity and disengagement, even though they have everything they need to achieve excellence. Jackson: That hits hard because it feels so true. You see it everywhere. And he backs this up, right? This isn't just a feeling. Olivia: He does. He points to Gallup data showing that around two-thirds of the workforce is disengaged. A significant chunk of those are 'actively disengaged,' meaning they are actively working against the company's interests. They're just there for a paycheck. Jackson: Okay, so we're all miserable and eating metaphorical tuna. But the standard management solution for that is 'constructive criticism' or 'holding feet to the fire.' Why does Irwin say that's like trying to fix the suitcase problem by yelling at the tuna? Olivia: This is the absolute heart of the book. He says those methods are what he calls 'Words of Death.' And recent brain science backs him up. When we receive criticism, even if it's framed as 'constructive,' our brain doesn't register it as helpful advice. It registers it as a threat. Jackson: A threat? Like, a tiger-is-chasing-me threat? Olivia: On a neurological level, yes. The amygdala, our brain's alarm system, goes into overdrive. It triggers a fight-or-flight response. Cortisol floods our system. And the most important part? It effectively shuts down the prefrontal cortex. Jackson: And the prefrontal cortex is... the smart part? Olivia: It's the smart part! It’s where higher-order thinking, creativity, problem-solving, and self-reflection happen. So, the very moment a manager is trying to get an employee to be more creative or solve a problem better, the act of criticism is neurologically disabling the exact part of the brain needed to do that. Jackson: Wow. So you're not just making the person feel bad, you're literally making them dumber in that moment. You're creating the very mediocrity you're trying to fix. Olivia: You are creating the mediocrity. You can't learn or innovate when your brain is in survival mode. You just get defensive, you shut down, and you focus on protecting yourself, not on growing. It's a cycle of self-sabotage, just like that blue suitcase.

Jackson: Okay, so if criticism and 'Words of Death' are out, what's the alternative? Are we just supposed to say 'Great job!' to everything and shower people with hollow praise? That feels like it would lead to a different kind of mediocrity. Olivia: That is the perfect question, and it's where Irwin makes his most crucial distinction. He argues it's not about empty compliments. He tells a quick story about his wife, Anne, at a party. A woman comes up and gushes, 'Oh, I just love your shoes!' It was enthusiastic, but it was a superficial social ritual. It didn't land, it didn't change anything. Jackson: Right, it's social grease. It's nice, but it's not influence. Olivia: Exactly. He contrasts that with what he calls 'Words of Life.' And the story he uses to illustrate this is incredibly powerful. His son, William, is the co-captain of his high school football team. It's the state playoffs, a huge game, and they lose a heartbreaker. William is devastated, on the field, crying. It's the end of his high school career. Jackson: Oh, I can feel that. That's a tough moment for a kid. Olivia: A really tough moment. And as his dad is consoling him, the head coach of the opposing team—the team that just beat them—walks over. He doesn't say 'good game' or 'you'll get 'em next time.' He looks William in the eye and says, 'Son, tonight you played an outstanding game, and you left nothing on the field. You displayed great character and courage in the way that you led your teammates, and it was an honor to play against you.' Jackson: Whoa. That gives me chills. That's completely different. The coach wasn't affirming the outcome—they lost. He was affirming something much deeper. Olivia: He was affirming the core. The character. The courage. And Irwin says those words lodged in his son's soul and literally influenced the course of his life, through the Naval Academy and beyond. That is a 'Word of Life.' It's not a compliment; it's an affirmation of a person's deepest self. Jackson: I see the difference now. It's about seeing the person behind the performance. So how do we actually do this? Is there a system to it? Olivia: There is. Irwin breaks it down into three targets for effective affirmation. You can affirm someone's Customary Style, their Competence, or their Core. Jackson: Okay, let's unpack those. What does it mean to affirm a 'style'? Olivia: Style is how someone operates. Are they a 'Challenger' who always asks tough questions? An 'Advocate' who rallies people? An 'Idealist' with big vision? Affirming their style would sound like, 'I really value the way you challenge our assumptions in meetings. It makes our decisions so much stronger.' You're seeing and valuing their unique approach. Jackson: I like that. It's specific. What about 'Competence'? Olivia: Competence is about their skills and abilities. But again, it's deeper than 'good job.' He tells the story of the apprentice in the documentary Jiro Dreams of Sushi. The apprentice, Nakazawa, spends ten years trying to perfect the tamagoyaki, the egg sushi. He makes over 200 of them that Jiro rejects. Jackson: 200! That's brutal. Olivia: Finally, one day, he makes one and Jiro tastes it and says, simply, 'Now this is how it should be done.' And Nakazawa weeps with joy. That single sentence from the master was the ultimate affirmation of his hard-won competence. It wasn't just a compliment; it was a declaration that he had become an artisan, a shokunin. Jackson: And the 'Core' is what the football coach did. Affirming things like integrity, courage, resilience, humility. The foundational stuff. Olivia: Precisely. And that's the difference between tactical influence—affirming style and competence in daily interactions—and strategic influence, which is using these 'Words of Life' to affirm someone's core and truly transform them.

Olivia: When you put it all together, it's a fundamental shift in how we see our role as leaders, parents, or even just colleagues. Jackson: It really feels like the whole idea is to stop being a 'performance evaluator' and start being a 'potential spotter.' We're so trained in our culture to find the flaw, to spot the one thing that's wrong in a report or a presentation. Olivia: That's it perfectly. Irwin argues that our default mode is criticism because it feels active and productive. But the brain science shows it's profoundly ineffective. The real leverage comes from affirmation, but not the cheap, superficial kind. It’s about specific, authentic recognition of someone's character and competence. Jackson: It’s the difference between watering the weeds and watering the flowers. Criticism focuses all the energy on the problem, which we now know just makes the brain defensive. Affirmation focuses on the strengths, which makes the brain more open, creative, and resilient. Olivia: And that's what turns a job into a calling, like with Jiro's apprentice, or turns a devastating loss into a life-defining lesson in courage, like with the football player. It’s not about ignoring problems; the book introduces a concept called 'Alliance Feedback' for that. But it's about making affirmation your primary tool for influence. Jackson: So, if there's one thing listeners could try this week, it's not to stop giving feedback, but to change the target of their positive feedback. Instead of just saying, 'Good job on that presentation,' they could try to affirm the competence behind it. Something like, 'The way you synthesized all that complex data into a clear story was genuinely impressive.' Olivia: I love that. That's a perfect, actionable step. It moves from a generic compliment to a specific affirmation of competence. And we're curious to hear from all of you. What's the most powerful piece of affirmation you've ever received? A real 'Word of Life' that stuck with you. Share it with us on our socials. We'd love to see what that looks like for our community. Jackson: This is Aibrary, signing off.