Nova: Picture this. You're sitting in a meeting at work. You have a strong opinion about the direction the project should take. The decision point arrives, and your boss looks around the room. Your heart races. You know what you want to say, but instead you hear yourself saying, "Whatever everyone else thinks is fine." Sound familiar?

Nova: That feeling is exactly what today's book tackles head-on. We're diving into "The Assertiveness Guide for Women" by Julie de Azevedo Hanks, published in 2016 by New Harbinger Publications. Dr. Hanks is a psychotherapist, a licensed clinical social worker with over two decades of experience, the founder of Wasatch Family Therapy, and interestingly, also an award-winning performing songwriter. She brings this unique blend of clinical wisdom and emotional artistry to the page.

Nova: Exactly the right question. What sets this book apart is that it's rooted in attachment theory. Dr. Hanks doesn't just give you communication scripts. She helps you understand why you struggle to assert yourself in the first place, based on your earliest relationship patterns. The subtitle says it all: "How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your Relationships." And here's a striking data point from her research: roughly 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style, but that leaves 40 percent — 20 percent anxious and 20 percent avoidant — who may find assertiveness especially challenging.

Nova: We start by understanding what assertiveness actually means, and more importantly, what it is not. Let's get into it.

Nova: So here's the first big misconception Dr. Hanks wants to clear up. Many women, when they hear the word assertiveness, immediately think of aggression. They picture being rude, demanding, or confrontational. Surveys cited in the book show that women tend to view assertiveness as the ability to communicate their needs and stand up for themselves with confidence and action — but they also worry about being perceived as selfish or controlling.

Nova: Exactly. And Dr. Hanks addresses this head-on. She says a woman can absolutely fulfill her need for meaningful connection while simultaneously communicating what she needs, wants, and desires. These are not opposing goals. In fact, authentic connection requires honest communication.

Nova: She introduces what she calls the Five S's of assertiveness. Let's walk through them. Number one: Self-Reflection. This is about recognizing how your personal attachment style and past relationship patterns influence your current interactions. It leads to clarity about yourself. Number two: Self-Awareness. This is identifying your feelings, thoughts, needs, and wants in real time. It builds confidence.

Nova: Absolutely. And speaking of scaling up, number three is Self-Soothing. This is about managing your emotions effectively so that you can stay composed during stressful interactions. Dr. Hanks draws on mindfulness techniques, cognitive behavioral therapy, and dialectical behavior therapy here. The goal is to foster calmness even when the conversation gets difficult.

Nova: Precisely. Then number four: Self-Expression. This is the actual communication piece — clearly stating your needs and feelings and taking action to support those communications. And finally, number five: Self-Expansion. This is the ability to remain open to other people's perspectives while still asserting your own views. It cultivates compassion.

Nova: That's the heart of the book. Dr. Hanks frames assertiveness not as a way to dominate but as a vital skill for improving all your interpersonal relationships through clearer, more honest communication. And these five skills build on each other. You can't express yourself clearly if you haven't first reflected on your patterns, become aware of your feelings, and learned to soothe your emotional reactions.

Nova: Exactly. And before you can do any of that effectively, Dr. Hanks argues that you need to understand something deeper — your attachment style. That's where we're headed next.

Nova: Alright, let's talk about attachment theory. This is the psychological backbone of the entire book. Dr. Hanks grounds everything in the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who showed that our earliest bonds with caregivers shape how we connect with others for the rest of our lives.

Nova: Right. And based on how consistently caregivers respond to those needs, children develop different attachment styles. Mary Ainsworth's research identified three main patterns. Secure attachment, which applies to about 60 percent of people — these are individuals who show distress when a caregiver leaves, joy when they return, and generally grow up trusting and comfortable with closeness.

Nova: And the other 20 percent are avoidant. These individuals show minimal distress when separated from a caregiver and don't seek much contact upon reunion. As adults, they might keep people at arm's length emotionally.

Nova: This is where it gets really practical. Dr. Hanks explains that if you have a secure attachment style, you're generally confident in relationships and more comfortable expressing your needs. But if you have an anxious or avoidant style, assertiveness can feel terrifying. An anxiously attached person might stay silent because they're terrified of damaging the relationship. An avoidantly attached person might either withdraw entirely or flip into aggression because vulnerability feels unsafe.

Nova: Exactly. Dr. Hanks uses the phrase: "Maybe she has learned to survive by lying down and allowing other people to make decisions for her." That's not weakness. That's adaptation to an environment where speaking up felt dangerous. But here's the empowering piece: attachment styles are not permanent. Through self-reflection and practice, you can develop what's called "earned secure attachment."

Nova: Yes. And Dr. Hanks also introduces the concept of differentiation, which is the ability to maintain your sense of self while staying emotionally connected to others. Think of it like this: you're not enmeshed, where you lose yourself in the relationship, and you're not cut off, where you wall yourself away. Differentiation is that sweet spot where you can say "I see your perspective, and here's mine" without either person disappearing.

Nova: You're jumping ahead, but yes. Before we get to the lantern, we need to look at the two stances that most people default to when differentiation is missing. Let's explore the Doormat and the Sword.

Nova: Dr. Hanks introduces three vivid metaphors for communication styles, and I think these are some of the most memorable parts of the entire book. The Doormat, the Sword, and the Lantern.

Nova: The Doormat approach is essentially the passive stance. Think about it literally: a doormat is made to be stepped on. It's there to welcome others into your space while getting rid of the dirt from their shoes. In communication terms, this looks like an inability to advocate for yourself. You might have a hard time even identifying what you're feeling or what you want. You say "whatever you want" not because you're easygoing, but because you've learned that your preferences don't matter or that expressing them is risky.

Nova: That's exactly right. Then there's the Sword. This is the aggressive stance, but Dr. Hanks makes a really nuanced point: the sword can be overtly aggressive — yelling, demanding, dominating — or it can be passive-aggressive, showing up as sarcasm, cynicism, or humor that's actually hurtful. The sword is often swung for protection. It's a defense mechanism.

Nova: Dr. Hanks has this powerful line: the sword approach can cause "a great deal of damage" and "swiftly make contact," but it rarely builds the kind of relationships anyone actually wants. Now here's the alternative: the Lantern.

Nova: Yes. Picture holding a lantern. It illuminates both you and the other person. It allows you to see your own needs and feelings clearly while also seeing the other person's perspective. Dr. Hanks describes approaching a conversation with a "soft start-up" — maybe a compliment, an expression of kindness, or simply stating your position calmly and clearly. The lantern stance says: "I have needs. You have needs. Let's look at this together."

Nova: And that illumination requires all five skills working together. You need self-reflection to understand why this conversation triggers you. You need self-awareness to know what you're actually feeling in the moment. You need self-soothing to stay regulated when things get tense. You need self-expression to articulate your position. And you need self-expansion to stay open to the other person's reality even while holding your own.

Nova: Let's talk about what stands between women and the lantern stance, because Dr. Hanks devotes an entire chapter to barriers. The biggest one? Fear of disconnection. Many women's sense of worth is deeply tied to their relationships, so they prioritize maintaining those connections over voicing their own needs. The fear is: if I speak up, I will damage this relationship, and if I damage this relationship, I lose a piece of myself.

Nova: She introduces a really useful framework here: the ladder model versus the field model. The ladder model is a ranking system — society pits individuals against each other in a hierarchy. Someone's on top, someone's on the bottom. This model encourages competition and domination. The field model, in contrast, emphasizes connection and collaboration. Everyone has space to stand. Understanding these models helps women recognize that assertiveness doesn't mean climbing over someone else. It means claiming your place in the field.

Nova: Exactly. And Dr. Hanks doesn't just diagnose the problem. She provides practical exercises throughout the book. Self-awareness activities, case examples, communication techniques, and reflection questions. The book is structured as a workbook as much as a guide. Each chapter ends with actionable steps.

Nova: Chapter 8 is dedicated entirely to setting strong boundaries, and it's one of the most practically useful sections of the book. Dr. Hanks provides actual scripts for difficult conversations with family members, partners, and colleagues. She walks you through how to prepare for a boundary-setting conversation, how to stay regulated during it, and how to handle the other person's reaction — which might include defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or anger.

Nova: Right. And that's where self-soothing comes back in. If you can't manage your own emotional response when someone gets upset with your boundary, you'll cave. Dr. Hanks teaches specific mindfulness strategies — breathing techniques, grounding exercises, self-compassion practices — that help you stay centered in those moments.

Nova: The cognitive behavioral therapy influence appears in the way Dr. Hanks helps readers identify and challenge the thoughts that keep them stuck in doormat or sword patterns. Thoughts like "If I say no, they'll never speak to me again" or "The only way to be heard is to be louder than everyone else." The dialectical behavior therapy influence shows up in the emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness skills — learning to tolerate distress without acting on it, and communicating in ways that maintain both the relationship and your self-respect.

Nova: That's one of the things that distinguishes this book. Dr. Hanks is drawing on decades of clinical practice and established psychological frameworks. The foreword was written by Riane Eisler, author of "The Chalice and the Blade," who calls the book "a much-needed step-by-step guide for empowering women" and emphasizes that it shows how to be empowered without disempowering others.

Nova: It really does. And I think that's why the book resonates. It's not about becoming harder or tougher. It's about becoming clearer, calmer, and more connected. Let's bring this all together.

Nova: So here's what we've learned from Julie de Azevedo Hanks' "The Assertiveness Guide for Women." First, assertiveness is not aggression. It's not about being loud or demanding. It's about clarity, honesty, and connection. The five skills — self-reflection, self-awareness, self-soothing, self-expression, and self-expansion — build on each other to create a communication style that honors both you and the people you're talking to.

Nova: Third, the three stances — Doormat, Sword, and Lantern — give you a simple but powerful framework for recognizing your default communication patterns. The goal is the Lantern: illuminating both your own needs and the other person's perspective, approaching conversations with clarity and compassion.

Nova: If you take one thing from this discussion, let it be this: you can be connected and assertive at the same time. In fact, real connection depends on honest communication. Swallowing your voice doesn't protect your relationships. It quietly erodes them, and it erodes you.

Nova: Thank you for joining us today. Remember: your voice matters. Use it with clarity, use it with kindness, but most importantly — use it.