Michelle: The number one reason people quit their jobs isn't low pay or long hours. Year after year, studies show it’s their boss. But what if the problem isn't just your boss? What if the secret to fixing it lies with you? Mark: Whoa, hold on. Are you telling me my nightmare boss from my first job was somehow my fault? Because I have a list of grievances I am prepared to read aloud. Michelle: (Laughs) Not your fault, but maybe your responsibility to manage. That's the provocative question at the heart of Managing Up: How to Move Up, Win at Work, and Succeed with Any Boss by Mary Abbajay. Mark: Abbajay… she's a big deal in the leadership consulting world, right? Spends her days in the trenches with Fortune 500 companies. Michelle: Exactly. And she wrote this book because she saw a huge gap. There are thousands of books on how to be a good leader, but almost none on how to be a good follower. How to manage the person who manages you. Mark: I have to be honest, Michelle. The phrase ‘managing up’ just makes my skin crawl. It sounds like a polite term for sucking up. Brown-nosing. Office politics at its worst. Michelle: I get it. And that’s the exact misconception Abbajay wants to shatter. She argues it has nothing to do with manipulation and everything to do with a simple, powerful idea she calls the Platinum Rule.

Mark: The Platinum Rule? Okay, I know the Golden Rule: "Treat others as you want to be treated." What’s the upgrade? Michelle: The Platinum Rule is: "Treat others as they want to be treated." The Golden Rule assumes we're all the same. It assumes that because I like direct feedback and public praise, you must too. But what if you're an introvert who finds public praise mortifying? Mark: Ah, so if I apply my own preferences to you, I’m actually making things worse. I’m trying to be nice, but I’m accidentally being a jerk. Michelle: Precisely. Managing up is the art of figuring out how your boss wants to be treated—how they communicate, how they process information, what drives them—and then adapting your own style to create a more effective partnership. It’s about strategy, not sycophancy. Mark: Okay, that reframing helps. It’s less about flattery and more about being a good detective. But it still feels like it puts all the burden on the employee. Isn't it the manager's job to manage? Michelle: Ideally, yes. But Abbajay is a pragmatist. She uses this great analogy. Life gives you lemons, right? In this case, a difficult boss is a big, sour lemon. You can spend all your time complaining about how unfair it is that you got a lemon. You can analyze the lemon, curse the lemon, tell all your friends about your awful lemon. Mark: Which, let's be honest, is what most of us do. Complaining about your boss is a time-honored tradition. It builds camaraderie! Michelle: It does! But it doesn't change anything. Abbajay says the alternative is to take those lemons and decide to make something. Lemonade, lemon meringue pie, whatever. The point is, you can't change the lemon, but you can change what you do with it. You take responsibility for the relationship because your career and your sanity depend on it. Mark: That’s a tough pill to swallow, but I see the logic. It's about empowerment, not blame. Michelle: Exactly. And it starts with understanding that your boss's behavior isn't random. There's a story from the book that illustrates this perfectly. There's this guy, Roger, an extrovert, who is slowly losing his mind working for his new boss, Carol. Mark: I'm listening. I feel a kinship with Roger already. Michelle: Roger thinks Carol is the worst manager he's ever had. She never stops by his desk to chat, she keeps her door closed, she rarely calls team meetings, and when he asks a question, she just gives a short, clipped answer. He thinks she’s cold, aloof, and disengaged. He's convinced she doesn't like him and is ready to quit. Mark: Yeah, that sounds awful. He’s getting zero feedback, zero connection. I’d be updating my resume too. Michelle: But then Roger attends a workshop on personality types. And he has this lightbulb moment. He realizes Carol isn't being malicious; she's just a classic introvert. An "Innie," as Abbajay calls them. Her closed door isn't a "go away" sign; it's how she recharges her energy. Her brief answers aren't dismissive; they're efficient. She's not anti-social; she just prefers focused, planned communication. Mark: So what he interpreted as a personal attack was just her natural operating style. Michelle: Exactly. So Roger changes his strategy. Instead of dropping by unannounced, he starts scheduling short, 15-minute check-ins. He sends her emails with clear questions instead of ambushing her in the hallway. He stops judging her for not being a bubbly, extroverted manager. Mark: And did it work? Michelle: It completely transformed their relationship. Carol started opening up more in their scheduled meetings. She appreciated that he was respecting her time and communication style. Roger realized she was actually a brilliant strategist, just a quiet one. He let go of his frustration and, by adapting to her, he not only saved his job but started to thrive. Mark: Wow. Okay, that story sells it. It wasn't about being fake. It was about learning her language. So how do we learn the language? How do we become these workplace detectives?

Michelle: This is where the book gets really practical. Abbajay gives us a diagnostic toolkit. It starts with the first question we just saw: Is your boss an "Innie" (an introvert) or an "Outie" (an extrovert)? It’s all about energy. Where do they get it from? Mark: Outies get it from being around people, right? They think out loud, they love brainstorming meetings, they’re energized by interaction. Michelle: Perfect. And Innies? They get their energy from their internal world. They need quiet time to process and think. A day of back-to-back meetings can feel like running a marathon for an Innie. For an Outie, it's a party. Mark: And the book points out that bosses tend to manage from their own preference, right? So an Outie boss might think they're being engaging by constantly checking in, but they're actually draining their Innie employee. Michelle: You've got it. But that's only the first layer of the diagnosis. The next level is what Abbajay calls the four "Workstyle Personalities." This is the real secret decoder ring. The four styles are the Advancer, the Energizer, the Evaluator, and the Harmonizer. Mark: Okay, break those down for me. This sounds like a corporate Hogwarts sorting hat. Michelle: (Laughs) It kind of is! First, you have the Advancer. Their motto is "Let's get it done. Now." They are task-focused, decisive, and results-oriented. They love action and hate inefficiency. To them, a long, chatty meeting is a form of torture. They just want the bottom line. Mark: That sounds like a shark in a suit. Efficient, but maybe a little terrifying. Michelle: Can be. Next is the Energizer. They are the charismatic, people-focused idea-generators. Their motto is "What's the big new idea?" They love brainstorming, motivating the team, and starting new projects. Their weakness? They can get bored with the details and the follow-through. Mark: Ah, the classic "shiny object" syndrome. I know a few of those. What's next? Michelle: The Evaluator. Their motto is "Let's get it right." They are your data-driven, analytical, process-oriented people. They value accuracy, logic, and quality above all else. They want to see the numbers, check the sources, and minimize risk. They are the ones who will find the one typo in your 50-page report. Mark: My mortal enemy. But also, probably the person who keeps the company from getting sued. Michelle: Exactly! And finally, the Harmonizer. Their motto is "Let's make sure everyone's okay." They are relationship-focused, supportive, and diplomatic. They value teamwork, consensus, and a conflict-free environment. They want to make sure everyone feels heard and supported. Mark: So, the office parent, basically. The one who brings in cookies and mediates disputes. Michelle: A perfect analogy. And Abbajay's point is that everyone is a blend, but we usually have one or two dominant styles. The key is to identify your boss's dominant style and adapt. If you're talking to an Advancer, get to the point. Bring solutions, not problems. If you're talking to an Evaluator, bring your data. Be prepared for questions. Mark: And if you're talking to an Energizer, bring enthusiasm. If you're talking to a Harmonizer, talk about how your idea will benefit the team. Michelle: You're a natural! It’s all about speaking their language. Mark: Okay, this is a fantastic framework for dealing with a typical, reasonable boss who just has a different style. But let's get real. What about the bosses who aren't just a different 'style'? What about the bosses from hell? The ones who seem fundamentally broken. Can you really 'manage up' a true micromanager or, even worse, a narcissist?

Michelle: That is the million-dollar question, and Abbajay dedicates a huge part of the book to these "Difficult Bosses." She's very clear: some of these archetypes are manageable with the right strategy, and some are... well, radioactive. You need to protect yourself and plan your escape. Mark: Let's start with a classic: The Micromanager. Everyone's had one. The boss who needs to be CC'd on every email, who dictates the font size on an internal memo, who stands over your shoulder while you work. It's soul-crushing. Michelle: It is. And Abbajay says micromanagement usually stems from one of three things: insecurity, perfectionism, or intense external pressure. They don't trust that the work will get done right unless they control every single step. Resisting them directly often makes it worse. It just confirms their fear that you're going off-script. Mark: So you're trapped. If you fight back, they clamp down harder. Michelle: Right. So you have to use workplace judo. There's a brilliant story in the book about a program director named Mia. Her boss was a classic micromanager, the founder of the non-profit where she worked. Mia couldn't send a single memo without her boss's approval. She felt like her expertise meant nothing. Mark: I can feel my own blood pressure rising just hearing that. What did she do? Michelle: She started by trying to over-communicate. She sent her boss a daily memo with a list of all her projects and their status. At first, it backfired. The boss would read the memo and immediately demand meetings to discuss every single item. Mark: Oh no. She fed the beast! Michelle: She did! But then Mia noticed something clever. The boss only ever had time to ask about the first two or three items on the list. So Mia had an epiphany. She completely re-engineered her memo. She started putting the projects her boss was most anxious about at the very top of the list, even if they weren't Mia's actual top priorities. Mark: That is genius! She was managing her boss's anxiety, not just her own projects. Michelle: It's pure strategy. She'd put "Update on the Annual Gala Sponsorship" right at the top. The boss would see it, feel a sense of control, and not have the time or energy to scrutinize the rest of the list. This allowed Mia to "sneak in" her own cool, innovative projects further down the memo, which her boss would have shot down if she'd seen them upfront. Mark: That is next-level. She built a system that gave her boss the feeling of control, which in turn gave Mia actual freedom. Michelle: And over time, the boss trusted her more and more. The daily memos became weekly, and Mia regained her autonomy. It’s a masterclass in managing up. But that brings us to the really dark side of the zoo. What about the truly toxic bosses? The book has a whole chapter on The Narcissist. Mark: And what's the strategy there? Is there a clever memo for them? Michelle: The advice is starkly different. Abbajay lists the signs: an insatiable need for praise, taking all the credit, blaming everyone else for failures, a complete lack of empathy. And her advice, essentially, is to recognize that you cannot win. You cannot fix a narcissist. Mark: So you can't manage them up? Michelle: You can only manage your exit. The strategies are about survival, not partnership. Protect your image, document everything, build a support network outside of your team, and get out as fast as you can. She tells a harrowing story about a woman named Sara who tried everything—compliance, setting boundaries—and each attempt was met with rage and retaliation. The final, sobering message is that some situations are unwinnable. Mark: That's actually a really important and validating thing to hear. Sometimes quitting isn't failure; it's the only sane choice. Michelle: It's an act of self-preservation. And that's the ultimate takeaway from the book.

Michelle: Ultimately, managing up isn't about fixing your boss. It's about taking back control of your own career and your own sanity. It’s about being a strategist in your own life. Mark: It’s about making a conscious choice. You can choose to adapt, like Mia did with her brilliant memos, and find a way to thrive. Or you can make the courageous choice to leave a toxic situation that is fundamentally unfixable. Michelle: Exactly. The power isn't in changing them; it's in understanding them so you can make the best choice for you. It shifts the dynamic from feeling like a victim of your boss's whims to being an active agent in your own story. Mark: So the first step is just to observe. For the next week, don't try to change anything, just be a detective. Watch your boss. Are they an Innie or an Outie? An Advancer or a Harmonizer? What's their real operating system? Michelle: That's the perfect first step. And we'd love to hear what you discover. Find us on our socials and share the most surprising thing you noticed about your boss's style. You're not alone in this. It’s a universal challenge. Mark: And a skill that, once you learn it, you can take with you for the rest of your career. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.