Michelle: Most people think being likable is an art, a kind of genetic lottery. You either have it or you don't. But what if charisma isn't magic? What if it's a simple, learnable formula you can master in the time it takes to ride an elevator? Mark: That’s a bold claim. It sounds like something from a late-night infomercial. "Tired of being awkward at parties? For three easy payments of $19.95, we’ll ship you a personality!" Michelle: It does have that vibe, doesn't it? But that's the provocative promise at the heart of Nicholas Boothman's massive bestseller, How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. Mark: And Boothman is an interesting guy to make this claim. He wasn't a psychologist or a sociologist; he was a top fashion and advertising photographer for decades. He worked with clients like Vogue and Coca-Cola, people who needed to look their best, instantly. Michelle: Exactly. He realized his entire career depended more on 'clicking with people' than on clicking a camera. He had to get complete strangers—models, nervous executives, you name it—to trust him and give him that perfect, authentic shot in a matter of moments. That's what led him to study Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP, and distill his techniques into this book. Mark: Which, despite some mixed reviews and controversy around NLP, became a global phenomenon. It’s been translated into dozens of languages and has sold millions of copies. So, he clearly struck a nerve. Michelle: He really did. And it all starts with a question that feels more urgent today than ever: why do we even care so much about being liked in the first place?

Michelle: The book's foundation is a pretty stark idea: our need for connection isn't a "soft skill" for networking events. It's a biological imperative. Boothman argues that for millennia, our survival depended on our ability to quickly assess strangers and be accepted into a group. Being disliked or cast out meant death. Mark: Wow, so it's literally a life-or-death matter hardwired into our DNA. That reframes the whole idea of "likability." It’s not about being popular; it’s about a deep, primal sense of safety. Michelle: Precisely. And he backs this up with some powerful evidence. He references a famous nine-year study from Alameda County, which found that people with weak social and community ties were almost three times more likely to die from medical illness than those with extensive contacts. Mark: Three times? That’s staggering. That’s a bigger risk factor than smoking or obesity, isn't it? It makes sense why loneliness is now being treated as a major public health crisis. Michelle: It is. And it gets even more personal. The book talks about the "Widowhood Effect," the well-documented phenomenon where an elderly surviving spouse often passes away shortly after their partner. It’s not just from a broken heart in a poetic sense; it's the physiological impact of losing that primary human connection. As Boothman puts it, "We can't live without them. We can't even die without them." Mark: That's both beautiful and terrifying. It really elevates the stakes. But I have to admit, the book's title, Making People Like You in 90 Seconds, still feels a bit… transactional. It sounds a bit cynical if the underlying need is so profound and human. Michelle: I think that's the central tension of the book, and Boothman leans right into it. He’d say that because the stakes are so high and modern life is so fast, we can't just leave connection to chance. We need a reliable method. He calls it "Rapport by Design." Mark: Rapport by Design. Okay, that sounds like we're building a bridge, not just flipping a switch. I'm listening.

Michelle: So, "Rapport by Design" is Boothman's system for consciously and intentionally building that feeling of connection. He argues it’s not about being fake; it’s about accelerating a process that would happen naturally if you had more time. It boils down to three key pillars: Attitude, Body Language, and Synchronization. Mark: Let's start with Attitude. That seems straightforward enough. Be positive, be open. Michelle: It is, but he gives it a great name: a "Really Useful Attitude." It’s about deciding what you want from an interaction and adopting the attitude that will get you there. He tells a great story about his bank teller, Joanne. For eight years, he stayed with a bank that was inconvenient and impersonal, all because this one teller had such a warm, genuinely helpful attitude that it made the whole experience positive. Her attitude created loyalty where the bank itself couldn't. Mark: That makes total sense. We've all had that experience, where one person's energy can change everything. But what about body language? That feels more complex. Michelle: This is where Boothman’s NLP background really comes into play. He leans heavily on the famous, and often debated, 55/38/7 rule from Professor Albert Mehrabian. The rule states that in communication, believability is determined 55% by the visual—your body language—38% by the vocal—your tone of voice—and only 7% by the verbal—the actual words you say. Mark: Only 7% for the words? That seems insane. So what I’m saying right now is less important than how I look and sound while I’m saying it? Michelle: In terms of believability, yes, especially when the signals are mixed. When your words say one thing and your body says another, people will always believe your body. The book has a perfect story for this. A waitress named Rosa wants to buy a new computer and goes into a store. The salesman, Tony, is initially great—open body language, warm tone, making eye contact. Rosa is sold. Mark: Okay, so far so good for Tony. Michelle: Right. But then Rosa asks a simple question: "Is this computer new, in a box?" And instantly, Tony’s entire demeanor changes. His body language becomes closed and defensive. He buttons his jacket, his hands ball into fists, he avoids eye contact, and his voice falters as he says, "Oh yeah, it just came on the floor this morning." Mark: Oh, he’s lying. And his body is screaming it. Michelle: Exactly. Rosa, being an observant person, reads the 93%—the body language and tone—not the 7% of his words. She trusts his gestures over his words, senses the dishonesty, and walks out without buying the computer. His incongruity killed the sale instantly. Mark: That’s a fantastic example. It makes the 55/38/7 rule feel very real. But this brings me to the third pillar, Synchronization. This is the part that can feel a bit… creepy. The idea of mirroring someone's posture or gestures. Won't people notice you're copying them? Michelle: That's the most common question, and Boothman is clear: it has to be subtle. It’s not about mimicry. He compares it to being an adapter. If you have a European plug, you need an adapter to fit into an American outlet. Synchronization is that adapter. You’re just briefly modifying your behavior to plug into their world and put them at ease. Mark: An adapter, I like that analogy. It’s a temporary tool, not a permanent personality change. Michelle: Precisely. He tells a story about being at a ski chalet and deciding to try this on a neighbor he only had a polite "nodding" relationship with. He subtly mirrored the neighbor’s stance, his tight-lipped smile, his tone of voice. The whole interaction lasted less than 30 seconds. Mark: And what happened? Michelle: The neighbor, who likely had no idea why, suddenly felt a connection and invited him and his family over for dinner that week. It transformed a distant acquaintance into a potential friend, just by creating that momentary, subconscious feeling of "this person is like me." Mark: Wow. Okay, so it’s about creating a feeling of familiarity. That feels less like manipulation and more like empathy, in a way. You’re trying to get on their level. Michelle: That’s the goal. But Boothman takes it one step further, into a realm that feels even more like a secret code. He argues that it's not just about mirroring what you can see and hear. It's about tuning into how a person experiences the world through their senses.

Mark: Right, this is the part that feels a little 'out there' for me. The Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic types. What is he actually talking about here? Michelle: He's saying that we all filter reality through our senses, but each of us tends to have a dominant preference. Visual people think in pictures. Auditory people think in sounds. And Kinesthetic people think in feelings and physical sensations. And the language we use gives it all away. Mark: So you can tell someone's 'type' just by the words they use? Michelle: You can get a very strong clue. The book has this great, simple example of three friends describing the same rock concert. The Visual friend, Judy, says, "Oh, wow, you should have seen it—the singer ripped his pants and his toupee flew off!" She's describing a picture. Mark: Okay, makes sense. Michelle: The Auditory friend, Phyllis, says, "The music was incredible. The beat was deafening; you should have heard it. It was a real screamer!" She’s all about the sound. Mark: Right. Michelle: And the Kinesthetic friend, Alex, says, "Oh man, you could just feel the energy. The place was packed, we could hardly move." He’s describing a physical sensation. Same event, three completely different realities based on their sensory preference. Mark: Huh. When you put it like that, it's actually not that 'out there' at all. It's just about paying attention to the verbs and adjectives people choose. Michelle: Exactly! And when you don't pay attention, it can lead to a total communication breakdown. The book tells this almost painful story about a woman named Ingrid who goes to a travel agency. She's stressed from work and tells the agent, Sheldon, "I just feel I need to get away and pamper myself. The tension at the office is eating me alive." Mark: Okay, she's clearly Kinesthetic. She's all about the feelings. Michelle: One hundred percent. But Sheldon, the travel agent, is a Visual. He hears "vacation" and immediately launches into a visual sales pitch. He says, "I have the perfect picture for you! Look at this brochure—brilliant turquoise water, cute white villas, a long white stretch of beach." He’s showing her pictures, but she wants to hear about feelings. Mark: Oh no. It’s a total mismatch. It's like trying to sell a beautiful painting to someone who only wants to listen to a song. He’s on the completely wrong channel. Michelle: And that's exactly what happens. The book says Ingrid's "heart sank." The more he described the beautiful sights, the farther away she felt from the relaxing vacation she craved. He lost the sale because he wasn't speaking her language. Mark: What should he have done? Michelle: He should have used Kinesthetic words. He could have said, "I understand. I have a package that will help you unwind and feel completely relaxed. Imagine how soothing it will be to feel the warm sand and the gentle breeze. This trip will help you get a handle on all that stress." By using her words, he would have connected with her on her wavelength. Mark: That is a powerful distinction. It’s so simple, yet I can see how it would change everything. So how do you spot this in a real, fast-paced conversation? Are you just listening for specific words? Michelle: That, and you can also watch their eye movements. Boothman includes a diagram showing that when people access visual memories, their eyes tend to go up. When they access auditory memories, they tend to look side to side. And for feelings, they look down and to their right. It’s another layer of non-verbal cues we're all giving away for free.

Mark: So when you put it all together, it’s not just one trick. It's this stack of skills: first, understanding the why—that deep, primal need for connection. Then mastering the what—your own attitude and body language signals. And finally, learning to read the how—the unspoken sensory world of the other person. Michelle: Exactly. And I think Boothman's ultimate point, the one that redeems the slightly gimmicky title, isn't about manipulation at all. It's about paying attention. The book's real power is that it forces you to stop thinking about yourself—what you'll say next, how you look, whether you sound smart—and start genuinely, deeply observing the other person. Mark: That’s a great way to put it. The act of paying that much attention is, in itself, probably the most likable trait of all. You’re making the other person feel seen, heard, and felt. Michelle: That’s it. You're giving them the gift of your full presence. And in our distracted world, that might be the rarest and most valuable gift there is. It’s not a trick to make them like you; it’s a discipline to become more interested in them. Mark: I love that. So here’s a challenge for our listeners, based on the book. The next time you're in a conversation, especially one where you feel a little disconnected, stop thinking about what to say. Instead, just try to figure out: is this person primarily seeing, hearing, or feeling the world in this moment? Michelle: That's a perfect takeaway. And we'd love to hear your experiences with this. Have you ever noticed a total sensory mismatch in a conversation, either at work or at home? Let us know. We're always curious to hear how these ideas play out in the real world. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.