Narrator: Imagine a first date that’s an absolute train wreck. The conversation is stilted, the other person seems completely withdrawn, and you can feel the walls going up between you. This was the exact situation Michael Sorensen found himself in on a date with a woman named Rachel. Every attempt at small talk was met with a short, disinterested reply. But instead of giving up, Sorensen tried a different approach. He sensed something was wrong and gently asked about her family. Suddenly, the floodgates opened. Rachel shared a torrent of recent struggles: her parents’ messy divorce, her father’s impending remarriage, a recent car accident, and her sister’s cancer diagnosis. Instead of trying to fix her problems or offer platitudes, Sorensen simply listened and acknowledged her pain, saying things like, "Wow, that is a lot to handle. I can't even imagine." The transformation was immediate. The tension in her shoulders released, and she told him it was the first time in a long time she’d felt any relief.

This single, powerful experience became the catalyst for the book, I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships. Sorensen realized that what he had offered Rachel wasn't advice or solutions, but something far more fundamental: validation. The book unpacks this seemingly simple skill, revealing it as the cornerstone of deep connection, trust, and effective communication in every aspect of life.

Narrator: Many people pride themselves on being good listeners, but they often miss the crucial difference between hearing someone’s words and truly understanding their emotions. The book argues that people are starved for validation—the act of making someone feel heard, understood, and accepted. It’s the secret ingredient that transforms a passive conversation into an active, meaningful connection.

To illustrate this, the book points to the groundbreaking research of psychologist John Gottman. Over four decades, Gottman studied thousands of couples to determine what makes relationships last. He found that in daily interactions, people make constant small "bids" for connection. This could be a husband pointing out a bird, a child showing off a drawing, or a friend sharing a frustrating story from work. Gottman discovered that the success of a relationship could be predicted with stunning accuracy based on how partners responded to these bids. He called a positive, validating response "turning toward" the bid. Couples who stayed together happily turned toward each other's bids 87% of the time. Those who ended up divorced did so only 33% of the time. Validation, in essence, is the practice of consistently "turning toward" others, acknowledging their experiences and emotions, whether big or small. The absence of it, even with good intentions, can create a profound sense of disconnection, like when the author’s former girlfriend would respond to his exciting news with a flat, unemotional "Cool!"

Narrator: Validation isn't a vague, feel-good concept; it's a concrete skill with a specific structure. Sorensen breaks it down into two essential parts. First, you must identify the specific emotion the other person is feeling. This requires listening beyond the words to the underlying feeling—are they frustrated, hurt, excited, or worried? Second, you must offer a justification for that emotion, explaining why it makes sense for them to feel that way from their perspective. The core message of validation is, "I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way."

Consider the common scenario of a frustrated spouse. A wife, Amy, comes to her husband, David, upset that her sister keeps changing plans for a trip. David’s immediate instinct is to fix it, offering solutions like, "Why don't you just talk to her?" or "You should just plan it yourself." But this only makes Amy more defensive and upset, because she wasn't looking for a solution; she was looking for validation. An effective response would be to identify her emotion ("It sounds like you're really frustrated") and justify it ("I get it. You're putting in all this effort, and it feels like she doesn't appreciate it. That would be maddening."). This approach addresses the emotional need first, which is proven to have a physiological effect. A 2011 study found that when participants performing a stressful task were validated, their heart rates actually decreased, while those who were invalidated showed a prolonged stress response.

Narrator: One of the biggest barriers to practicing validation is the misconception that it requires agreement. People are often hesitant to validate someone they disagree with, fearing it means they are condoning their behavior or perspective. However, Sorensen makes a critical distinction: validation is about understanding, not agreement. You can acknowledge the validity of someone's feelings without agreeing with their facts or conclusions. The key is to see the world from their point of view, even for a moment.

The book provides a powerful workplace example. A coworker, Jace, comes to the author concerned that another colleague is underqualified for a new role. The author disagrees with Jace's assessment but resists the urge to argue. Instead of saying, "You're wrong, he's perfectly qualified," he validates Jace's feeling: "I can see why you'd be concerned. You care a lot about the quality of our brand, and you want to make sure it's protected." By acknowledging the positive intention behind Jace's concern, the author makes him feel heard. Only after this validation does Jace become receptive to hearing a different perspective. This principle is a game-changer in conflicts, negotiations, and disagreements. It allows you to de-escalate tension and build a bridge of understanding, even when you're on opposite sides of an issue.

Narrator: To make validation easy to implement, Sorensen outlines a clear, four-step method. This framework can be adapted to nearly any conversation, from a minor complaint to a major crisis.

The first step is to Listen Empathically. This means giving your full attention, putting away your phone, observing body language, and resisting the urge to immediately fix the problem. The second step is to Validate the Emotion, using the two-part formula of identifying the feeling and justifying it. The third step, which is optional, is to Offer Advice or Encouragement, but only after asking for permission. A simple "Would you be open to a suggestion?" can make all the difference. The final step is to Validate Again. A simple closing statement like, "Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with that," or "Congratulations again, I'm really happy for you," reinforces the connection and leaves the person feeling truly heard.

This method is particularly effective with children. In one example, a four-year-old boy named Caden is throwing a tantrum because his mother left for the evening. His father, Jim, first tries to reason with him and distract him, which only makes Caden more upset. Finally, Jim kneels down and validates his son's feelings: "You miss Mommy, don't you? It's sad when she has to leave." Caden immediately calms down, his need to be understood having been met. He was then able to move on and engage in another activity with his dad.

Narrator: The final, and perhaps most profound, part of the journey is turning the skill of validation inward. Sorensen argues that just as we can learn to validate others, we must also learn to validate ourselves. This means practicing self-compassion, acknowledging our own emotions without judgment, and silencing our inner critic. Instead of telling ourselves "I shouldn't feel this way," we can learn to say, "It makes perfect sense that I'm frustrated right now."

Furthermore, it's important to recognize when we ourselves need validation and to learn how to ask for it. The author shares a personal story about getting a terrible haircut and feeling deeply self-conscious. Instead of stewing in his anxiety, he called a mentor and said, "I'm feeling stressed and need some validation. Can I vent for a minute? I don't want feedback... I'd just like you to hear me out and help me not feel crazy." By clearly stating his need, he received the understanding he was looking for and was able to let the negative feelings go. This highlights a crucial truth: while we can always offer validation, we can't control whether others accept it or are capable of giving it. Learning to validate ourselves and ask for it from trusted sources is the key to emotional resilience.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from I Hear You is that the deepest desire of the human heart is not just to be listened to, but to be truly heard and understood. Validation is the surprisingly simple skill that bridges this gap. It disarms conflict, dissolves anger, and builds a foundation of trust and safety that allows relationships to flourish.

The book's ultimate challenge is not to perfectly memorize a four-step formula, but to cultivate the empathy that fuels it. It asks us to shift our primary focus from fixing problems to connecting with the person who is experiencing them. The real-world impact of this shift is immeasurable, strengthening our bonds with our partners, children, colleagues, and friends. It leaves us with a powerful, practical question: Who in your life isn't looking for an answer, but is simply waiting to be heard?