Michelle: Alright, pop quiz. What’s the number one skill for a great relationship? Mark: Oh, easy. Good listening. Everyone knows that. You have to be a good listener. Michelle: That’s what I thought too. But what if that's wrong? What if being a 'good listener' is actually making some of your conversations worse? Mark: Wait, how can listening be bad? That’s like saying water isn’t wet. It’s the foundation of communication. Michelle: It’s the foundation, but we’ve misunderstood what it means. That's the provocative idea we're exploring today from the book I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships by Michael S. Sorensen. Mark: I like that title. It’s simple, direct. Michelle: And what's fascinating is that Sorensen isn't a therapist—he's a successful CEO of companies like BlenderBottle. He wrote this as a side project, and it just exploded. It won multiple awards and has been translated into over a dozen languages. He argues that the real skill isn't just listening; it's something he calls validation. Mark: Validation. Okay, that sounds a little more clinical than just listening. So if it's not about just hearing the words, what is it about?

Michelle: It’s about making someone feel heard and understood on an emotional level. It’s the difference between hearing a friend say, "My boss is driving me crazy," and your brain immediately jumping to "Here are three ways to fix it," versus actually connecting with the feeling behind their words. Mark: Huh. I am one hundred percent the guy who jumps to fixing it. My wife will tell me about a problem, and I’m already whiteboarding solutions in my head. I think I’m being helpful, but she just gets more frustrated. Michelle: Exactly! And the author shares a very similar, painful story. He was dating a woman who was, by all accounts, a great listener. She’d pay attention, remember details. But when he’d share something he was really excited about, like a breakthrough at work, she’d just give him this blank, unemotional look and say… "Cool." Mark: Ouch. That’s a conversation killer. "Cool." It's like a wet blanket on your excitement. Michelle: It’s a total connection killer. He felt completely unseen. And this gets at the heart of what renowned relationship researcher John Gottman discovered. He talks about "bids for connection." These are small, everyday attempts we make to connect with our partners. Mark: What does a 'bid' actually look like? Is it a big, deep conversation? Michelle: Not at all. It can be as simple as your partner looking out the window and saying, "Wow, look at that beautiful bird!" They aren't just commenting on the bird; they're making a bid for you to share that small moment of wonder with them. Mark: Right, they're asking, "Are you in this moment with me?" Michelle: Precisely. And Gottman found that couples who stayed happily married responded positively to these bids—what he calls "turning toward"—87% of the time. The couples who eventually divorced? They only turned toward each other 33% of the time. The rest of the time, they were "turning away," just like saying "Cool." Mark: Wow, 87 versus 33 percent. That’s a massive difference. It’s not about one big fight; it’s about thousands of these tiny, missed connections. Michelle: It’s death by a thousand paper cuts. And it’s not just about feelings; this has a measurable, physical effect. There was a fascinating study where researchers gave people impossible math problems to do under a time crunch. Mark: Okay, my personal nightmare. I’m already stressed just thinking about it. Michelle: Right? So after each round, the participants would express their frustration, and a facilitator would respond in one of two ways. To one group, they’d say something invalidating, like, "I don't know why you're so stressed, it's just a few math problems." Mark: Oh, that would make me furious. Michelle: And their bodies agreed! Their heart rates and stress levels, measured by skin conductance, shot up and stayed high. But for the other group, the facilitator would say something validating, like, "Wow, I can see how frustrating that would be. Those problems are really tough." Mark: And what happened to them? Michelle: Their stress levels actually went down. Their heart rates decreased. The simple act of having their frustration acknowledged and validated literally calmed their nervous systems. So when you jump to solutions, or say "don't worry about it," you might be unintentionally doing the same thing as that first facilitator—telling them their feelings are wrong and cranking up their internal stress. Mark: That is incredible. So my attempts to "fix" the problem are actually making the biological problem of stress worse. I’m trying to be a firefighter, but I’m showing up with a can of gasoline. Michelle: That’s a perfect analogy. You have to put out the emotional fire first. And that’s where the practical side of this book comes in. It’s not just about understanding the 'why'; it’s about learning the 'how'.

Mark: Okay, I'm sold on the 'why.' This makes so much sense. But it still feels a little abstract. How do you actually do it, especially when you're in a heated moment and your own instincts are screaming to defend yourself or solve the problem? Michelle: This is the best part of the book. Sorensen offers a super practical, almost deceptively simple, Four-Step Validation Method. He calls it the Swiss Army knife of communication. Mark: A Swiss Army knife, I like that. What are the tools? Michelle: Step one is Listen Empathically. This is where you put your phone down, make eye contact, and focus not just on the words but on the emotion. Are they frustrated? Scared? Excited? Mark: That’s the part we think we’re good at, but probably aren’t. Michelle: Exactly. Step two is the magic step: Validate the Emotion. This is where you name the emotion and give a justification for it. You’re essentially saying, "I get what you're feeling, and it's okay to feel that way." Mark: Give me an example of that. Michelle: The book uses a great one. A wife, Amy, comes to her husband, David, totally frustrated about her sister's chaotic planning for a family trip. The 'wrong' way is what David does first: he immediately starts offering solutions. "Why don't you just call her?" "You should just book the tickets yourself." Mark: I confess, that is exactly what I would do. I’m David in this story. Michelle: And Amy gets more and more upset, because David isn't hearing her. He's treating her frustration like a problem to be solved, not an emotion to be understood. The 'right' way, using Step 2, would be for David to pause and say, "Wow. That sounds incredibly frustrating. Of course you're upset. You're trying to plan a nice trip, and it feels like she's ignoring everyone's input." Mark: Ah, I see. He’s not fixing it. He’s just holding up a mirror to her feeling and saying, "I see this. This is real." Michelle: Yes! And you can almost feel the air go out of the balloon. Once she feels heard, she can start thinking about solutions herself. Which leads to Step three: Offer Advice or Encouragement, if appropriate. The key is to ask first. Something like, "That's a tough situation. Do you want to vent, or are you looking for ideas?" Mark: Asking for permission. That’s a game-changer. It gives the other person control. Michelle: It shows respect for their process. And finally, Step four is to Validate Again. Just a simple closing statement that reinforces the connection, like, "Well, good luck with that. It’s a really tough spot to be in, but I know you'll handle it." It’s like a bow on top of the conversation. Mark: Okay, that four-step process seems straightforward enough for a relatively calm situation like the frustrated spouse. But what if you don't agree with the person? What if they're angry at you? Let's take the example of a coworker complaining they were passed over for a promotion they clearly didn't deserve. You can't just say, "You're right, you totally got robbed!" Michelle: This is the most important misconception the book clears up. And it’s a point some readers find too simplistic until they grasp it. Validation is not agreement. Mark: Say that again. That feels important. Michelle: Validation is not agreement. It’s understanding. You’re not saying, "Your conclusion is correct." You’re saying, "I understand the emotional logic that got you to that conclusion." Mark: So with the coworker, what would that sound like? Michelle: You wouldn't say, "You deserved that promotion." You'd say something like, "Man, that's rough. I can see why you'd be so frustrated. You've been with the company for years, and you've put in so much work. It must feel confusing and disappointing to see the new guy get the role." Mark: Right! You’re validating the feeling of disappointment and confusion, which is real, without validating the claim that they were the most qualified. You’re connecting with their emotion, not their argument. Michelle: And once they feel heard, once that initial wave of anger and hurt has been acknowledged, they are infinitely more likely to listen to another perspective. You’ve earned the right to maybe say later, "You know, I've been really impressed with some of the projects Drew has led. Maybe it would be worth talking to Lisa to see what skills they were prioritizing for this role?" You can't get there until you've gone through the validation door first. Mark: It’s like de-escalation for the soul. You’re calming the emotional nervous system so the rational brain can come back online. Michelle: That’s it exactly. The book has another fantastic example of this with an angry customer at a car dealership. The receptionist doesn't argue with him. She just says, "You have every right to be angry. You were promised your car would be ready two hours ago, and you're still waiting. I would be furious too." The customer is just disarmed. He was ready for a fight, and instead he got understanding. Mark: He got validated. It’s a pattern that works everywhere, from a marriage to a service desk.

Michelle: So when you put it all together, it's really a two-part system. First, you have to fundamentally shift your goal in a conversation. You have to move from 'listening to reply' or 'listening to fix' to 'listening to understand.' That's the big mindset change. Mark: That’s the internal work. It’s about changing your intention before you even open your mouth. Michelle: Exactly. And second, you use the Four-Step Method as the practical tool to execute that new goal, especially when you’re under pressure. It’s the script you can run in your head when your emotions are high. Mark: It’s amazing how one small shift—from fixing to validating—can change everything. It makes you wonder how many of our daily arguments, at home or at work, are just two people screaming to be heard, but neither one knows how to truly listen. Michelle: And the book's final point is so powerful: you can even use this on yourself. When you’re being hard on yourself for making a mistake, you can pause and practice self-validation. Mark: What would that sound like? Michelle: Instead of beating yourself up, you can just say, "You know what? It makes perfect sense that I'm frustrated right now. I put a lot of effort into this, and it didn't work out. It's okay to be disappointed." It’s a tool for self-compassion. Mark: Wow. That’s a practice I think we could all use. It’s about giving yourself the same grace you’re trying to give others. This is a skill that seems so simple on the surface, but it feels like it could unlock so much. Michelle: It really does. It’s about recognizing that behind almost every communication is a fundamental human need: to feel seen, to feel heard, and to feel valued. Mark: This is a skill we could all practice. We'd love to hear from our listeners. What's one conversation this week where you could try to validate instead of fix? Maybe with a partner, a child, or a coworker. Share your story with us on our social channels. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.