Michelle: The most dangerous lies aren't the ones people tell you. They're the ones that make you stop believing yourself. Mark: Ooh, that’s a heavy start. What do you mean? Michelle: It’s a kind of psychological magic trick. And once you see how it’s done, you’ll start seeing it everywhere—from your dating app to the nightly news. Mark: A magic trick you don't want to fall for, I'm guessing. Michelle: Exactly. And that's the dark art we're dissecting today, from the book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free by Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis. Mark: Dr. Sarkis, right. She's a clinical specialist with decades of experience in this field, which is probably why the book became such a go-to resource. It's highly rated but I've seen some critics find it a bit repetitive. It seems to have really hit a nerve with the public. Michelle: It absolutely did. And she starts with the perfect, chilling origin story for the term itself, which comes from a classic film. Mark: I’m all ears. I love a good movie reference. Michelle: It’s from the 1944 movie Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. In the film, her husband, Gregory, is trying to drive her insane to steal her inheritance. Mark: Classic villain move. So how does he do it? Michelle: Subtly. That’s the key. He starts by dimming the gas-powered lights in their home. When she mentions it, he tells her she’s just imagining it. He says, "You're being hysterical, my dear." Mark: Whoa. So he's literally messing with the gaslights. Michelle: Literally. He hides her jewelry, her paintings, and then convinces her she's the one who lost them. He isolates her from everyone she knows, until she's completely dependent on his version of reality. She starts to believe she’s genuinely losing her mind. Mark: That is terrifying. Because it’s not one big lie, it's a thousand tiny ones. A slow erosion of her sanity. Michelle: Precisely. It's not about lying; it's about making someone the author of their own confusion. The goal, as the book says, is to keep you off-kilter. The more you rely on them for the 'correct' version of reality, the more control they have.

Mark: Okay, so the movie gives us the name. But how does this play out in real life, without the Victorian setting and flickering gaslights? I imagine it's a bit more complex. Michelle: It is, and the book lays out a devastatingly common cycle. It often starts with something called "love-bombing." Mark: Love-bombing? That sounds… intense. Michelle: It is. The book has this story about a woman named Josie who meets a guy, Jamie. From day one, it’s a whirlwind. He showers her with gifts, plans surprise trips, and tells her "I love you" within weeks. He makes her feel like the most special person on the planet. Mark: That sounds like the beginning of every romantic comedy. What’s the catch? Michelle: The catch is that it's a tactic. Once he has her hooked, the behavior flips. He starts using a technique the book calls "stonewalling." Mark: Just ignoring her? Michelle: Completely. He'll disappear for days, not answering texts or calls. Josie is left in a panic, wondering what she did wrong. She starts to think, "This whole time I thought I did something to make him act like this." Mark: Ah, so he's making his withdrawal her fault. She’s questioning herself, not him. Michelle: Exactly. And just when she’s about to give up, he comes back. This is a tactic called "hoovering." Mark: Hoovering? Like the vacuum cleaner? What does that even mean? Michelle: It means he sucks you right back in. Jamie texts Josie out of the blue about something mundane, like her bike. Then, suddenly, he's talking about them moving in together, promising this amazing future. The chaos is gone, and the love-bombing starts again. Mark: And the cycle repeats. Wow. That is a brutal emotional rollercoaster. Michelle: For two years, this was Josie's life. A constant cycle of idealization, then silent treatment, then being pulled back in. Her self-esteem was in shreds. Mark: Okay, but that just sounds like a terribly dysfunctional, on-again-off-again relationship. What makes it gaslighting specifically? Michelle: That’s a great question, and it’s about the intent. The book makes it clear that the gaslighter’s goal is to systematically dismantle your sense of reality. Jamie isn't just being a bad boyfriend; he's conditioning Josie to distrust her own feelings. When she's happy, he pulls away. When she's confused, he blames her. She starts to believe she's "too sensitive" or "too demanding," just like he tells her. He's rewriting her internal narrative until she can't function without his approval. Mark: So the gaslighting isn't the fighting or the silent treatment itself, but the framing of it all to make her think she's the crazy one. Michelle: Yes. And it gets even darker. The book shares another story, about John and Mary. Mary becomes convinced John is cheating on her with his assistant, Jane. Mark: With no evidence, I'm guessing? Michelle: None. But Mary's accusations escalate. She starts cyberstalking Jane, making threatening calls until Jane gets a restraining order. She even becomes physically abusive towards John. But here’s the gaslighting twist: she tells John that Jane called her with details of the affair. When John asks what the details were, she refuses to tell him, saying he doesn't deserve to know. Mark: That's diabolical. He can't defend himself against a secret accusation. He's trapped. Michelle: He's completely trapped. And for a long time, he blames himself. He asks his therapist, "It’s not my fault she acted that way?" He's been so manipulated that he thinks his wife's abusive behavior is a reaction to something he must have done. Mark: That is just heartbreaking. The idea that he's carrying the guilt for her abuse... wow. It’s like he’s been psychologically framed for a crime he didn’t commit. Michelle: And that’s the core of it. The gaslighter convinces you that you’re the problem. As one quote in the book puts it, "I actually had to ask her for an apology. And even then it was, ‘I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.’" Mark: The classic non-apology. It’s never about their actions, always about your reaction. Michelle: And that need for control, that deep-seated need to make someone else the problem, is the key. What's truly terrifying is how this exact playbook scales up—from one person controlling another, to one person controlling millions.

Mark: Okay, I can see how this works in a one-on-one relationship. But taking it to a societal level feels like a big jump. How does that even work? Michelle: The book argues the psychological mechanics are identical. Think about it. Denying reality? A partner saying "I never said that" becomes a politician talking about "alternative facts." Mark: Huh. Okay, I see the parallel. It's about creating a reality that serves your own purpose, regardless of the truth. Michelle: Exactly. And the book points to some chilling historical examples. It talks about how gaslighting leaders use propaganda. Adolf Hitler, for instance, perfected the "Big Lie" technique—the idea that if you tell a lie that is colossal enough, and repeat it relentlessly, people will eventually come to believe it because they can't fathom someone having the audacity to distort the truth so completely. Mark: They're overwhelmed by the sheer scale of the lie. Michelle: Yes. And they create an "us versus them" narrative. They turn citizens against marginalized groups, blaming them for all of society's problems. It’s the same tactic as a gaslighter in a family who designates one child as the "golden child" and another as the "scapegoat." It’s all about triangulation and control. Mark: Hold on, comparing a toxic ex-boyfriend to Hitler feels extreme. Is the book really making that direct a line? Michelle: It is, and it's a controversial point for some readers, but the book’s argument is about the pattern, not the scale of the atrocity. The underlying psychological engine is the same: erode a target's perception of reality to consolidate your own power. It's about making people doubt what they see with their own eyes. Mark: So it’s about the how, not the what. Michelle: Precisely. The book quotes the dictator Mussolini: "We do not argue with those who disagree with us, we destroy them." That destruction isn't always physical. It can be psychological. It’s about destroying their credibility, their sanity, their trust in themselves. Mark: And we see this in modern cults, too. The book talks about them, right? Michelle: Oh, absolutely. Cults are gaslighting on steroids. The book describes how cult leaders isolate members from their families, create their own special jargon to make the outside world seem foreign, and demand absolute, unquestioning loyalty. One woman, Zamora, who grew up in a cult, said, "I was raised that everyone outside my church was evil... If we questioned our preacher, we were punished." Mark: It's the same playbook. Isolate the victim, control the narrative, and punish any deviation from your reality. Michelle: And the book brings up the chilling case of John Meehan, the subject of a popular podcast and TV series. He was a master gaslighter. He presented himself to a successful businesswoman, Debra Newell, as an anesthesiologist who had served with Doctors Without Borders. Mark: All lies, of course. Michelle: All lies. He was a nurse who had lost his license and served prison time. When Debra's family uncovered the truth, he didn't confess. He lashed out. He told Debra her children were trying to destroy their happiness. He turned her against them. Mark: He made them the problem. Classic gaslighting. Michelle: It escalated until he physically attacked her daughter. It’s a terrifying, real-world example of how these manipulations aren't just mind games. They can have life-or-death consequences. The pattern is always the same: charm, isolate, manipulate, and attack when exposed.

Mark: Wow. From a dimming gaslight in a movie to political propaganda and violent con artists. This is a much bigger, scarier concept than I realized. So, after all this, what's the one thing we absolutely need to understand? What's the antidote? Michelle: The antidote, according to the book, is education and radical self-trust. The gaslighter's power completely evaporates the moment you stop questioning your own reality and start questioning theirs. Mark: So you have to flip the script. Michelle: You have to. Dr. Sarkis writes, "The more you educate yourself about gaslighting, the better you can protect yourself from it." The goal isn't to fix the gaslighter. The book is very clear that for people with deep-seated personality disorders, that's often impossible. The title says it all: the goal is to "Break Free." Mark: That feels both empowering and a little sad. The idea that you can't fix it, you can only escape. Michelle: It is, but it’s also liberating. It releases the victim from the responsibility of managing the abuser's behavior. It puts the focus back on their own well-being. Mark: Okay, so for someone listening right now, who feels that knot in their stomach and thinks, "This sounds a little too familiar," what's the most practical first step the book suggests? Michelle: It's simple but powerful: start documenting. Get a journal and write down what happened, when it happened, who was there, and exactly how it made you feel. Mark: Why is that so important? Michelle: Because a gaslighter's greatest weapon is your self-doubt and faulty memory. A written record is an external anchor to reality. It's a piece of evidence that can't be twisted or denied. When they say, "That never happened," you can look at your journal and know, with certainty, that it did. You're creating your own, unchangeable gaslight. Mark: I love that. You're building a defense system for your own mind. That's a powerful takeaway. Michelle: It really is. It's the first step to reclaiming your own story. Mark: If any of these stories resonated with you, or if you've seen these patterns in your own life, we'd love to hear your thoughts. Join the conversation on our social channels. It's a topic that thrives on shared experience. Michelle: Absolutely. Knowing you're not alone is a huge part of breaking free. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.