Laura: Most people think the opposite of addiction is sobriety. What if it's actually connection? And what if the biggest addiction in your life isn't a substance you inject, but the sugar hiding in your pantry, disguised as a friend? Sophia: Whoa. That is a heavy thought for a Tuesday morning. You’re saying my afternoon cookie has a dark secret? Because it usually just feels like a friend who’s very, very good at listening. Laura: It’s a friend that might be a foe. And that’s the provocative question at the heart of the book we’re diving into today: Breaking Up with Sugar by Molly Carmel. Sophia: Molly Carmel… her name sounds familiar. She’s not just a nutritionist, right? I feel like I’ve heard her story is pretty intense. Laura: Exactly. And that’s what makes this book so different. She's a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in addiction, and she wrote this after her own brutal, 20-year battle with an eating disorder, where she says she tried everything and nothing worked. Sophia: Okay, so this is coming from someone who has been in the trenches. Laura: Deep in them. It’s that blend of clinical expertise from places like Columbia University and her raw, personal experience that makes this book so compelling. It's also why it's a bit polarizing for readers. Some find it life-changing, others find its approach too restrictive. Sophia: I’m intrigued. So where does this "breakup" begin? Laura: It all starts with one radical, and frankly, kind of brilliant idea: you have to stop treating sugar like a food and start seeing it for what it is—an abusive partner.

Sophia: Okay, hold on. An 'abusive partner'? That feels like a really strong term for a cupcake. I mean, isn't this just about having a little self-control? Laura: That’s what we’ve all been told, right? That it’s a personal failing. A lack of willpower. But Carmel argues that’s the first lie the abuser tells you. Her point is that for many people, this isn't a behavioral choice; it's a biological and psychological addiction. Sophia: How so? What’s the science behind that? Laura: She dives deep into it. Essentially, modern processed foods, especially sugar and refined flour, are engineered to be what she calls 'sugar on steroids.' They hijack the brain's dopamine reward system in the exact same way that drugs like cocaine do. It creates a powerful cycle of craving, reward, and withdrawal. Sophia: So that intense, almost frantic feeling of needing something sweet isn't just me being dramatic? Laura: Not at all. Carmel points to studies on rats that are just chilling. When they were given excessive sugar, they showed all the classic signs of addiction: bingeing, building tolerance, and then, when the sugar was taken away, they went into full-blown withdrawal. We're talking chattering teeth, body tremors, anxiety, and depression. Sophia: Wow. So they were physically jonesing for sugar. Laura: They were. And the most haunting part? The rats withdrawing from sugar were more likely to just passively float when placed in water. They had, in her words, "lost their will to survive." That’s the power we’re dealing with. It's not just a craving; it's a deep biological drive that can override everything else. Sophia: That explains so much. That feeling of, 'I know this is bad for me, I know I'll regret this,' but you do it anyway. It’s not a moral failing, it's a biological trap. Laura: It's a trap. And like any toxic relationship, it isolates you. It makes you feel shame. There’s a story in the book about a client named Callie that just breaks your heart. She was a smart, successful woman, but she was trapped in this binge-shame cycle. Sophia: What happened with her? Laura: She was so ashamed of a particularly bad binge that she couldn't face anyone. She called in sick to work, she bailed on her friends, and then… she skipped her best friend's entire wedding weekend. She locked herself away because the shame was just too much to bear. Sophia: Oh, that's devastating. It’s not about the food at that point. It's about the food controlling your entire life, stealing your joy and your relationships. Laura: Exactly. That’s the "abusive" part. It promises comfort, but it delivers isolation and pain. It makes you miss out on your own life. Once you see it through that lens, you realize you can't just "cut back." You can't "moderate" an abusive relationship. You have to leave. Sophia: And a simple diet isn't going to cut it. You need... an escape plan. A full-on breakup. Laura: A full-on breakup. And that's where her whole philosophy pivots from understanding the problem to actually solving it. It’s not about a diet; it’s about a divorce.

Laura: And once you see it as a toxic relationship, you realize a 'diet' is the worst possible strategy. It's like telling someone in an abusive marriage to just 'try to argue a little less.' It's useless. You need a formal breakup. That's where Carmel's plan comes in, and it starts with something she calls the 'Sacred Vow.' Sophia: A 'Sacred Vow'? What does that entail? Is it just a dramatic way of saying 'I promise not to eat sugar'? Laura: It's much deeper than that. The vow isn't just about sugar. It's a vow to divorce the entire diet mentality. It’s a commitment to stop what she calls "cutting and running"—running back to sugar when things get tough, or running to the next fad diet that promises a quick fix. Sophia: Ah, so it’s about breaking the cycle itself. The yo-yoing between sugar binges and extreme restriction. Laura: Precisely. Part of the vow is literally, "I commit to staying in this relationship [with myself] and to not be swayed by what may seem easier, softer, or faster." It's a promise to stop looking for the magic bullet and to start doing the real work of building a stable, loving relationship with yourself and with food. Sophia: Okay, a vow is a great start. I love the intention. But what happens on a Wednesday afternoon when the stress hits, the cravings kick in, and that vow feels a million miles away? A promise feels a bit abstract in that moment. Laura: And that is the million-dollar question. Her answer is brilliant. She says, "Sugar is not a skill." You've been using sugar as a tool to cope with everything—boredom, stress, sadness, even happiness. When you take that tool away, you can't leave the toolbox empty. You have to fill it with actual skills. Sophia: Okay, that makes sense. So what kind of skills are we talking about? Laura: She breaks them into two categories. First, there are the Long-Lasting Skills. These are the big, foundational habits that build resilience over time: things like meditation, joyful movement, gratitude, and most importantly, human connection. Remember the hook? The opposite of addiction is connection. Sophia: Right. And the second category? Laura: Those are the Right-Now Skills. These are for emotional emergencies. The 3 PM slump. The fight with your partner. The bad day at work. These are quick, in-the-moment actions you can take instead of reaching for the cookie jar. It could be anything from splashing cold water on your face, to texting a friend, to putting on a specific song that changes your mood, to just leaving the room. Sophia: It’s about having a pre-planned escape route for your brain. Laura: Exactly. And the most powerful story she tells is her own. For years, she believed that when a craving hit, it was an unstoppable freight train. She had to give in. One day, her therapist challenged her. She said, "Molly, just for tonight, go home, and whatever you do, don't eat. Just see what happens." Sophia: That sounds terrifying. Like being told to stand in front of the freight train. Laura: She was terrified! But she did it. She went home, put on her pajamas, washed her face, and turned on the TV. She just rode the wave of the craving. And then... it passed. She went to sleep without giving in. And she woke up the next morning feeling victorious. It was the first time she realized that cravings are not commands. Sophia: I love that. 'Cravings are not commands.' It's so simple but it completely reframes the power dynamic. You’re not a victim of the craving; you’re an observer of it. You can just watch it go by. Laura: You can surf the urge, as she calls it. And every time you do, you weaken its power and you build up your own self-esteem. You’re making a deposit in your own bank account of self-love, instead of giving all your power away to sugar.

Laura: And that power dynamic is the whole point. This isn't about becoming a 'perfect' eater who never makes a mistake. In fact, one of the most important parts of the book is what she calls the 'Anti-Perfection Plan.' Sophia: Okay, you can't just drop a term like 'Dialectical Abstinence' and not explain it. Break that down for me. That sounds like something from a dense philosophy textbook. Laura: I know, the name is a bit much! But the concept is simple and beautiful. It's a fancy way of saying 'progress, not perfection.' For years, we've lived in a black-and-white diet world. You're either 'on' the diet or 'off' the diet. The moment you eat one 'bad' thing, you feel like a failure, and you think, "Well, I've already blown it, might as well eat the whole pizza." Sophia: The classic 'I'll start again on Monday' trap. I know it well. Laura: That's what she calls the Abstinence Violation Effect. It’s like getting one flat tire and deciding to slash the other three. It makes no sense. Dialectical Abstinence is the gray area. It says: aim for 100%, but have a plan for the 15% of the time that life happens. Acknowledge the slip, don't beat yourself up, and get right back on track with your very next meal. Not next Monday. Not tomorrow. Now. Sophia: So the ultimate takeaway isn't a meal plan or a list of forbidden foods. It's a new mindset. You're not just breaking up with sugar; you're breaking up with the shame and the perfectionism that came with it. Laura: Precisely. Carmel points out that the diet industry, which is a staggering sixty-six-billion-dollar-a-year machine, is built on that cycle of hope, failure, and shame. It needs you to fail so you'll buy the next product. By reframing your struggle as an addiction you can recover from—not a moral failing you have to suffer through—you take back all your power. The real love story she wants you to find isn't with a new diet. It's with yourself. Sophia: That’s incredibly powerful. It makes you wonder... what other 'abusive relationships' are we tolerating in our lives, just because we think they're normal or that we're the ones who are broken? Laura: A question worth sitting with. This is Aibrary, signing off.