Michelle: Okay, Mark, you read the book. Review it in exactly five words. Mark: Hmm... "Stop trying so damn hard." Michelle: Ooh, I like that. Mine is: "Your anxiety is a superpower." Mark: I can see that. Both feel right, which is probably why the book is so good. It’s this weird mix of telling you to relax and also telling you to care more, but about very specific, small things. Michelle: Exactly. Today we are diving into Works Well with Others: An Outsider’s Guide to Shaking Hands, Shutting Up, Handling Jerks, and Other Crucial Skills in Business That No One Ever Teaches You by Ross McCammon. Mark: That is a mouthful of a title. Michelle: It is, but it’s perfect. And McCammon is the ideal person to write this. He was a senior editor at Esquire and GQ, right in the heart of New York media, but he talks about starting out feeling like a total outsider who just got lucky. In fact, the UK edition of the book is titled The Impostor’s Handbook. Mark: The Impostor’s Handbook! I love that. That’s so much more direct. It feels like this entire book is a permission slip for everyone who has ever sat in a meeting and thought, "How did I get here? They're all going to figure me out." Michelle: That is precisely the point. The book argues that feeling is not your weakness. It’s your secret weapon.

Mark: Okay, so is this whole book just for people with impostor syndrome? Because I think that's... pretty much everyone, right? Michelle: It is for everyone, and that’s the foundational idea. McCammon isn't telling you how to cure your impostor syndrome. He’s telling you how to harness it. He argues that the feeling of being a fraud, of being an outsider, is an incredible source of energy. Mark: Energy for what? Panicking? Michelle: Energy to care more. Energy to prepare more. He tells this great story about how he got his job at Esquire. He was working at Southwest Airlines' in-flight magazine in Texas, and he gets a call from a recruiter for a job at his dream magazine in New York. He feels completely out of his depth. Mark: I can imagine. That’s a huge leap. Michelle: A massive leap. He gets the job and spends his first year absolutely terrified, convinced he's going to be fired any second. He thinks he’s a disappointment. But then he has this slow realization. He starts noticing the little things, the social cues, the way people talk and act. And he realizes something profound. Mark: What’s that? Michelle: That everyone else is just as weird and nervous as he is. He has this fantastic line: "Everyone is weird and nervous. No matter how famous or important, everyone is just really weird and really nervous. Especially the people who don’t seem weird or nervous." Mark: Oh, I know that feeling. You’re in a room with people who seem so polished and confident, and you’re just trying to remember how to swallow your own saliva. Michelle: Exactly! The book cites people like Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor and Meryl Streep, who have openly talked about feeling like frauds despite their massive success. So the book’s first big idea is to stop fighting that feeling. That anxiety is what makes you pay attention. It’s what makes you an observer. Mark: That makes sense, but what's the difference between harnessing this feeling and just being paralyzed by anxiety? I’ve definitely experienced the latter. Michelle: The difference is action. The paralysis comes from thinking you need to eliminate the feeling. McCammon says to accept it. That little voice saying "you're not good enough" is what will make you re-read that email one more time, or research that company for an extra hour before the interview. It turns you from a participant into a student of the game. Mark: A student of the game. I like that. It’s a reframe from "I'm a fraud" to "I'm a detective, trying to figure out the rules." Michelle: Precisely. And that feeling of being an outsider, of being a detective, is what allows you to master the second, and maybe most practical, part of the book: the unspoken rules of the workplace.

Mark: Okay, so what are these unspoken rules? Is it just about office politics? Michelle: It’s more fundamental than that. McCammon calls them the "mechanics of success." He argues that a huge part of getting ahead isn't just about talent, but about seeming better. It’s about projecting confidence and competence through very small, specific actions. Mark: Like what? Michelle: Like how you enter a room. He says for the first 30 seconds, you have to take charge of the room's mood. Make eye contact. Be curious. He tells this story about his office at the Hearst Tower, which has this incredible view of Manhattan. When he meets someone new, he’ll ask if they want to see the view. Mark: That’s a good move. It’s a shared experience, it breaks the ice. Michelle: It does more than that. It shows curiosity and generosity. It establishes a connection. But the most powerful mechanic he talks about is the handshake. Mark: The handshake? Come on, does a handshake really matter that much in 2024? It feels so old-school. Michelle: I thought the same thing, but his story about Kanye West completely changed my mind. He met Kanye backstage at a concert. Kanye extended his hand, looked him in the eye, and said, "I'm Kanye." Then, as he shook his hand with three or four quick, firm pumps, he said, "I like your magazine." Mark: Wow. That’s incredibly efficient. Michelle: It’s more than efficient. McCammon describes it as a moment of grace and deference. It was firm, brief, and it conveyed a compliment and respect in about two seconds. It wasn't a power-play squeeze or a limp, dead-fish shake. It was a perfect, self-contained interaction. Mark: Okay, I can see that. A bad handshake is memorable for all the wrong reasons. The person who holds on too long, or the one who crushes your knuckles. Michelle: Exactly. And there’s actually research on this. A study from the University of Iowa found that in mock job interviews, the candidates who scored highest on their handshake quality—firm grip, eye contact, vigor—were overwhelmingly judged as the most hireable. Mark: You’re kidding. So my career prospects could hinge on my adductor pollicis muscle? That’s the thumb muscle, right? Michelle: That’s the one! It’s not about the whole hand squeeze, it’s about that firm connection in the webbing of the thumb. It signals confidence. These small things, these mechanics, they aren't about being fake. They are about understanding the language of professional interaction. Mark: So I've embraced my inner impostor, I'm using that anxiety to be a detective, and now I'm practicing my handshake in the mirror. What's next? Do I just become this super-try-hard who has all the rules memorized? Michelle: That is the perfect question. Because if you stop there, you do risk looking like a try-hard. That’s where the final, most elegant idea of the book comes in. It’s a concept called Sprezzatura.

Mark: Sprez-a-what-now? You’re going to have to translate that for me. Michelle: Sprezzatura. It’s an Italian word from the 16th century, from a book called The Book of the Courtier. It’s a beautiful concept. The official definition is "to conceal all art and make whatever is done or said appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it." Mark: So... studied nonchalance? Michelle: Exactly. It’s the art of making hard work look easy. It’s refined carelessness. McCammon has a more modern translation: "Give a shit. And then slightly less of a shit." Mark: I can get behind that. But what does it look like in practice? Michelle: He gives a couple of brilliant examples. He was working on a fashion story for Esquire and looking at photos of these incredibly stylish men in beautiful suits. But in every photo, something was just a little bit off. A shirt collar was askew. A tie was slightly too short. One guy wasn't wearing a belt. Mark: So, intentional imperfections. Michelle: Precisely. They looked fantastic, not in spite of the imperfections, but because of them. It showed they understood the rules of style so well that they could afford to break them a little. It showed confidence. He compares it to seeing a Robert Rauschenberg sculpture, which he describes as "beautifully ordered junk." It’s the art of looking put-together without looking like you spent three hours agonizing over it. Mark: Ah, so it's confidence so high you can afford a little imperfection. It's not about being sloppy, it's about being artfully relaxed. It’s the opposite of the person whose tie is perfectly dimpled and hair is shellacked into place. Michelle: You’ve got it. It applies to your work, too. It’s about not being a perfectionist. It’s about turning in the draft that’s 90% there, knowing that collaboration will get it to 100%. It’s about having the confidence to be human. As McCammon puts it, "Style is ordered by rules, but it’s not governed by them." The confidence you get from the clothes, or the work, makes the sprezzatura possible. And the sprezzatura, in turn, makes you look even more confident. It’s a virtuous cycle.

Michelle: When you put it all together, it’s a really powerful framework for navigating professional life, especially if you feel like you don't belong. Mark: Yeah, it’s a clear path. You start by accepting that feeling of being an impostor. Michelle: Right. That feeling gives you the drive to care more than anyone else, to observe, to learn. Mark: Then you use that observation to master the mechanics—the small, practical skills like handshakes and eye contact that give you the tools to project confidence. Michelle: And once you have the drive and the tools, you can adopt sprezzatura. That gives you the style to do it all without looking desperate or like you’re trying too hard. It’s the final layer of polish. Mark: Drive, tools, and style. It’s a complete package. It’s not about changing who you are, but about learning how to present the best version of yourself to the world, with a little bit of artful imperfection thrown in. Michelle: It’s a philosophy that has been praised by everyone from comedians like Nick Offerman to organizational psychologists like Adam Grant, because it’s so deeply human. It acknowledges our fears and gives us a practical, and even beautiful, way to work with them. Mark: It makes you think... what's one small, 'sprezzatura'-like thing you could do this week to seem more confident? Not by adding something, but by relaxing something. Maybe it’s not perfectly centering the title on a slide, or leaving one email intentionally brief. Michelle: That’s a great question for our listeners to ponder. We’d love to hear your own "impostor" moments or any "sprezzatura" tips you’ve picked up. Find us on our socials and share your story. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.