Narrator: Imagine walking into a room where you don't know a single soul. It could be the first day at a new job, a networking event, or even a neighborhood party. The background chatter feels like a wall of sound, every cluster of people seems like an impenetrable fortress, and a voice in your head screams, "Don't say anything stupid." This feeling—a cocktail of anxiety, self-consciousness, and a powerful urge to retreat to a quiet corner with your phone—is a deeply universal human experience. We are evolutionarily wired to be wary of strangers, a survival instinct that served our ancestors well on the savanna. But in our modern, interconnected world, this same instinct often becomes a barrier to success, connection, and happiness.

This is the central problem Keith Rollag tackles in his book, What to Do When You're New: How to Be Comfortable, Confident, and Successful in New Situations. Rollag argues that being a "newcomer" is not a rare, unfortunate event but a constant and recurring part of life. From changing jobs an average of ten times before age forty to moving to new cities, we are always, in some way, starting over. The book provides a practical, evidence-based roadmap for transforming this inherent anxiety into an opportunity for growth, demonstrating that success doesn't just start despite being new, but often because of it.

Narrator: At the heart of the book is a simple but profound diagnosis: the anxiety we feel in new situations is largely a product of outdated evolutionary programming. For millennia, strangers posed a potential threat. Our ancestors survived by developing a healthy dose of caution, a "stranger danger" instinct that is deeply embedded in our psychology. Rollag explains that this is why, even in a perfectly safe environment like a corporate mixer, our bodies can react as if we're facing a genuine threat—our heart rate increases, our palms sweat, and our minds go blank.

This biological predisposition is then reinforced by our upbringing and culture. We are taught from a young age not to talk to strangers, a lesson that gets internalized so deeply that it persists into adulthood, making us hesitate before introducing ourselves to a new colleague. Rollag points out the absurdity of this in a world where interacting with strangers is not only necessary but is the very foundation of building a career and a social life.

To illustrate the profound and often irrational pain of social exclusion, the book references a fascinating social psychology experiment. In the study, researchers had participants play a virtual ball-tossing game. Some participants were included in the game, while others were ostracized and ignored by the other players. Unsurprisingly, those who were excluded reported feeling hurt and rejected. But here’s the twist: in one version of the experiment, participants were told the other players were members of the Ku Klux Klan, a group most people would despise. Logically, being rejected by a despised group shouldn't matter. Yet, the results showed that participants still felt the sting of ostracism. This reveals a fundamental truth: our need to belong is so powerful that rejection hurts, regardless of the source. This deep-seated fear of being cast out is what makes being a newcomer so terrifying.

Narrator: Once we understand why we feel anxious, Rollag argues that we can systematically build the skills to overcome it. He demystifies the process by breaking it down into five critical, learnable behaviors that form the foundation of newcomer success. These are not innate talents but practical skills that anyone can develop through conscious effort.

The first is simply introducing yourself. It’s the gateway to every new relationship, yet it’s a step many people avoid out of fear of rejection or awkwardness. The second is remembering names, a skill that signals respect and attentiveness, instantly making others feel valued. The third is asking questions, which shifts the focus off yourself, allows you to gather crucial information, and shows genuine curiosity. Fourth is starting new relationships, moving beyond superficial small talk to build genuine, productive connections. Finally, the fifth skill is performing in new situations, which involves overcoming the anxiety of doing something new while being watched by unfamiliar people.

These five skills work together as a toolkit. For example, effectively introducing yourself (skill 1) and remembering someone’s name (skill 2) makes it far easier to approach them later to ask a question (skill 3). That positive interaction then becomes the seed for a new relationship (skill 4). Mastering these skills reduces the cognitive load of new situations, freeing up mental energy to learn, contribute, and perform with confidence (skill 5). Rollag emphasizes that proficiency in these areas is what separates newcomers who struggle from those who quickly integrate and thrive.

Narrator: Knowing the five skills is one thing; executing them under pressure is another. Rollag makes it clear that confidence isn't something you're born with—it's something you build. The bridge between knowledge and action is what he calls "practice and reflection." This isn't about just "getting out there more," but about engaging in what researchers call deliberate practice.

This means breaking down each skill into smaller components and practicing them in low-stakes environments. For instance, before a major networking event, one could practice their self-introduction in front of a mirror or with a friend. They could make a conscious effort to learn the name of the barista at their local coffee shop. The goal is to create "behavioral scripts"—pre-planned actions and phrases—that can be deployed automatically when anxiety kicks in.

Reflection is the other half of this equation. After a social interaction, instead of cringing at a perceived mistake, a successful newcomer takes a moment to analyze what went well and what could be improved. Did they ask open-ended questions? Did they make eye contact? This process of mindful reflection helps recalibrate anxieties and replaces negative, self-defeating thought patterns with constructive, forward-looking ones. Over time, this cycle of practice and reflection builds a foundation of successful experiences, which is the true source of lasting confidence.

Narrator: The final and most powerful stage in the journey of a newcomer is to transition from being the student to being the teacher. In the book's concluding section, Rollag argues that the ultimate measure of success is not just how well you navigate new situations, but how you help others do the same. This act of "giving back" solidifies your own skills and creates a more welcoming environment for everyone.

A compelling story from the book illustrates this principle perfectly. In the 1980s, AT&T conducted a long-term study of its managers to figure out what predicted success. They found that one of the strongest indicators of a manager's long-term career trajectory was the quality of their initial onboarding experience. Managers who received strong support, clear guidance, and mentorship when they were new were far more likely to become high-performing leaders. In contrast, those who were left to "sink or swim" often struggled.

This story reveals a crucial insight: creating a supportive environment for newcomers isn't just a kind thing to do; it's a strategic imperative. When experienced members of a group take responsibility for welcoming new people—by making introductions, explaining unwritten rules, and offering encouragement—they not only help the newcomer succeed but also strengthen the entire organization. By remembering what it feels like to be new and using that empathy to guide others, you complete the cycle. You are no longer just a successful newcomer; you are a leader who cultivates success in others.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from What to Do When You're New is that being a newcomer is not a weakness to be hidden or a temporary phase to be endured, but a fundamental and repeatable skill set that can be mastered. Keith Rollag reframes our deep-seated anxieties not as personal failings but as predictable, manageable responses to a world our brains weren't designed for. By understanding the roots of our fear and systematically practicing the five core skills of connection, we can turn moments of potential awkwardness into catalysts for growth.

The book's ultimate challenge, however, goes beyond self-improvement. It asks us to consider our role in the experience of others. The next time you are the established insider in a room, how will you treat the person who is new? Will you remain in your comfortable circle, or will you be the one to step forward, extend a hand, and make the introduction? That is the true measure of mastery—not just learning to navigate the room, but making the room easier for the next person to navigate.