Olivia: The classic image of an expectant father is the guy pacing nervously in a hospital waiting room. But what if the most important work of fatherhood actually happens months before, in the trenches of grocery stores, doctor's appointments, and late-night arguments over baby names? Jackson: I love that framing. Because you’re right, pop culture treats the dad’s role in pregnancy as a supporting character at best, maybe a comedic relief who faints during delivery. The real story, the dad’s actual journey, often gets completely overlooked. Olivia: Exactly. And that’s why we’re diving into a book that puts the dad front and center. It’s We're Pregnant! The First-Time Dad’s Pregnancy Handbook by Adrian Kulp. And what’s fascinating about Kulp is that he wasn't some lifelong parenting expert. Jackson: Oh, really? What was his background? Olivia: He was a high-powered TV executive in Los Angeles, working in comedy development for people like Adam Sandler and Chelsea Handler. Then a writers' strike hit, he was unexpectedly laid off, and he found himself a full-time, stay-at-home dad to his infant daughter. He started a blog about his cluelessness, it went viral, and that launched this whole new career. Jackson: Wow. So this isn't coming from an academic. It's coming from a guy who was thrown into the deep end and learned to swim. That explains the book's tone, which is famously humorous and super practical. Olivia: It’s the key to its success. It’s highly rated precisely because it feels authentic. And it starts by tackling the very first, and maybe most awkward, hurdle for dads: the fact that for many of them, the pregnancy just doesn't feel real at first.

Jackson: That makes so much sense. There’s this idea that the mom is instantly transformed, but the dad is just… along for the ride for a while. Olivia: Kulp quotes his wife with a line that just nails it. She said, "Women become mothers the moment they find out they’re pregnant, and most men become fathers when they first hold their babies for the first time—but there are nine months in between." Jackson: Whoa. That is a powerful and slightly terrifying gap. Nine months is a long time to be out of sync. Olivia: It is. And Kulp is brutally honest about his own experience. He tells this story about how he and his wife were trying to conceive. He’d promised to come home early one night but ended up staying out with friends. He woke up the next morning to find the positive pregnancy test sitting on his nightstand. Jackson: Oh, that’s a rough way to find out. He missed the shared moment. Olivia: Completely. And his first feeling wasn't joy. It was, in his words, pure terror. He felt totally unprepared, and that feeling of detachment continued. Sixteen weeks later, at an appointment, they learned they were having a daughter, and his anxiety spiked again because he knew nothing about raising girls. Jackson: I can see how that would be a common reaction. It’s this huge, abstract life change, and you don’t have any of the physical symptoms to make it feel concrete. But what are the consequences of that disconnect? Olivia: Well, the book’s foreword, written by the famous blogger Heather Armstrong of dooce®, gives a chilling answer. She talks about her own experience with her first child. Her husband was present, but not truly engaged in the day-to-day emotional labor. She felt so profoundly alone that she developed crippling panic attacks. Jackson: Oh man. Olivia: She would call him at work, begging him to come home, sometimes just to hear another adult voice. It got so bad that when her daughter was six months old, she had to check herself into a hospital. Her story is a stark reminder that the dad’s emotional presence—or absence—has a direct and serious impact on the mother's mental and physical health. Jackson: That completely reframes the dad's role. It’s not just about being 'supportive' in a vague sense. It's a critical function for the well-being of the family unit from day one. So how does Kulp suggest dads bridge that nine-month gap? You can't just force yourself to feel something you don't. Olivia: You can't. And Kulp acknowledges that. His argument is that you don't start with the feeling; you start with the action. You act your way into the feeling. And that begins with what he calls "losing the dude act."

Jackson: "Losing the dude act." I think I know exactly what he means, but break it down for me. Olivia: It's the tendency to take the path of least resistance. He uses this great analogy: doing your own laundry but leaving your partner's, or washing your own car but not hers. It’s prioritizing your own convenience. He says that might be fine for small stuff, but it's completely unacceptable when it comes to pregnancy. You have to consciously shift from a 'me' to a 'we' mindset. Jackson: Okay, so it’s about proactively looking for ways to step up, even if they seem small. What does that look like in practice? Olivia: The book is brilliant at this. It’s broken down week-by-week, giving dads concrete, manageable tasks. It’s not just "be nice to her." It's things like, in Week 5, when she's constantly running to the bathroom, your job is to be mindful of that. Don't hog the bathroom. In Week 7, her sense of smell is going into overdrive, so your job is to freshen up the house. Jackson: The 'super smell'! I've heard about this. Olivia: Kulp has a hilarious story about it. His wife developed this almost supernatural ability to smell. She started sniffing around the house like a bloodhound, identifying every unpleasant odor from his gym shoes to the refrigerator. She’d open the fridge and almost gag. So, he was officially designated as the "guy in charge of smelling things to see if they're rotten." Jackson: (laughing) The official smell-tester! That is a perfect example. It's a small, slightly ridiculous job, but it solves a real problem for her and shows he's paying attention. It’s an act of empathy. Olivia: It's total empathy in action! And the book is filled with these moments. He talks about the "Toes Debate," a lighthearted argument with his wife over whether their baby would have his "regular" toes or her Morton's toe, where the second toe is longer. She claimed it was a sign of intelligence. He Googled it and playfully told her she was wrong. Jackson: That’s great. It shows that support isn't always serious and solemn. It can be about maintaining that playful connection and reducing stress through humor. Olivia: Absolutely. He even jokes about creating a rating system for his wife's pregnancy-related flatulence, but only if she shares his sense of humor. The point is to find ways to navigate the awkward, uncomfortable, and sometimes gross realities of pregnancy together, as a team. You’re moving from being a passive bystander to what he calls a 'Daddy Doula.' Jackson: A 'Daddy Doula.' I like that. It implies a specific, active, supportive function. It’s not just about assembling the crib at the last minute. It's about being an integral part of the entire nine-month process. Olivia: Exactly. And that active participation during the pregnancy is what prepares you for the period that Kulp, and many others, argue is the most challenging part of the whole journey: the "fourth trimester."

Jackson: The fourth trimester. That’s the three months after the baby is born, right? It’s a term that’s getting more recognition, and for good reason. Olivia: Yes, and Kulp emphasizes that this is where the dad’s role becomes absolutely non-negotiable. The mother needs about 40 days just for her body to physically recover from childbirth. During that time, she's exhausted, her hormones are all over the place, and she's often the primary food source if she's breastfeeding. Jackson: So the dad has to become the primary everything-else. Olivia: Primary homemaker, chef, gatekeeper of visitors, and emotional rock. Kulp argues that if family isn't around to help, it's 100% on the dad to step up. And he captures the terror and responsibility of this new role with another fantastic story: the "Maiden Voyage Home." Jackson: Oh, I can just imagine. The first drive home from the hospital. Olivia: He describes driving 35 miles per hour in the slow lane, white-knuckling the steering wheel, feeling like every other car on the road was a missile aimed directly at his newborn. He was yelling at drivers who got too close. It’s this incredibly visceral, universal moment of panic and protectiveness that every new parent feels. Jackson: I can feel that anxiety just hearing you describe it. The world suddenly feels like a giant collection of sharp corners and hazards. It must be an incredibly isolating feeling for dads, too. All the focus is on the mom and baby, but the dad is going through his own massive identity shift. Olivia: That’s such a crucial point. And the book addresses it directly. A close friend of Kulp's always says, "Fatherhood is the new brotherhood." The idea is that in the same way guys bond over sports or hobbies, they can and should bond over the shared experience of being a dad. Jackson: So it's about building a support network for yourself, not just being the support network for your partner. Olivia: Precisely. The book ends with extensive resource lists—websites, organizations, blogs for dads. Because you can't do it alone. The checklists in the book are great, but the underlying message is that you need to find your community. You need to talk to other dads who have been through it. Jackson: It sounds like the book's real value isn't in the medical details, which you can get anywhere. It’s in the emotional and practical roadmap for partnership. Olivia: That’s the core of it. Readers often say it's not a comprehensive medical guide, and it's not meant to be. It's a handbook for empathy. It’s about how to show up.

Jackson: So when you boil it all down, this book is less of a pregnancy manual and more of a partnership manual. It’s about how to be a team when one member of the team is building a human from scratch. Olivia: That's a perfect way to put it. Adrian Kulp’s ultimate argument is that being a great dad isn't about some innate, magical instinct. It's a skill you learn through practice. It starts with the mindset shift that your partner’s priorities during pregnancy are now your priorities. Full stop. Jackson: And it’s built on those small, everyday actions. Being the smell-tester for the fridge, making sure she has a water bottle during late-night feedings, taking the baby for a walk so she can have 30 minutes of quiet. Olivia: Exactly. It’s the accumulation of those tiny acts of service that closes that "activation lag" we talked about. You might not feel like a father on day one, but if you act like one, the feeling will follow. The book's final message is simple and powerful: "Get invested in your partner’s pregnancy even before day 1. And when the moment comes, be the best damn dad that you can be." Jackson: It’s a call to action, not a passive guide. It really reframes the whole conversation. Olivia: It does. And it makes you wonder, outside of pregnancy, what's the one small, practical thing you can do today to truly show up for someone in your life? What's your version of being the 'smell-tester'? Jackson: That’s a great question to sit with. We’d love to hear from our listeners on this. What are some of those small, funny, or meaningful acts of support you’ve given or received? Share your "smell-tester" moments with the Aibrary community online. We'd genuinely love to read them. Olivia: It’s a beautiful way to think about partnership in any context. This book is a funny, heartfelt, and incredibly useful guide for any man about to embark on that wild journey. Jackson: This is Aibrary, signing off.