Olivia: Alright Jackson, here's a wild thought. What if the most important predictor of your kid's future success isn't their IQ, their grades, or their SAT score... but how well they can read someone else's face? Because research shows today's teens are 40% less empathetic than they were 30 years ago. Jackson: Whoa, hold on. Forty percent? That's not a small dip, that's a cliff. That sounds less like a trend and more like a full-blown crisis. Are we raising a generation of robots? Olivia: It's a shocking number, and it's exactly the crisis that educational psychologist Dr. Michele Borba tackles in her book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. Borba has worked with over a million parents and educators, and she saw this trend firsthand—what she calls the "Selfie Syndrome." Jackson: The "Selfie Syndrome." I love that. It’s the perfect name for our times. But is it just about kids being obsessed with their phones and their image? Or is it something deeper? Olivia: It's much deeper. Borba argues it's a fundamental shift in our culture, where we've prioritized achievement, grades, and personal happiness over caring for others. And this empathy deficit has real consequences: more bullying, more cheating, and kids who are less resilient and unable to collaborate. Jackson: Okay, so this isn't just about being "nice." This is about core life skills. It feels like we're facing an empathy-pocalypse. Olivia: Exactly. But Borba offers a powerful message of hope. She shows that empathy isn't some magical, innate trait. It's a skill. And like any skill, it can be taught. She even points to places like the Seeds of Peace camp, where teenagers from war-torn countries like Israel and Palestine are brought together. Jackson: That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Olivia: You'd think so. But by living together and being forced to see the other's perspective, they start to build bridges. They replace hatred with understanding. It proves that even the deepest divides can be crossed if you intentionally cultivate empathy. It's a powerful proof of concept for what she argues throughout the book.

Jackson: I can see how that works in a controlled environment like a camp, but what about the real world? What’s driving this 40% drop in empathy? Olivia: Borba points to a perfect storm of factors. There's the hyper-focus on individual achievement we mentioned. Parents are asking "What grade did you get?" instead of "Were you a good friend today?" Then you layer on a digital culture that rewards self-promotion and performance over genuine connection. Jackson: And the data backs this up? Olivia: Frighteningly so. The book cites studies showing that in the same period empathy dropped 40%, narcissism—the clinical, problematic kind—shot up 58%. Kids are literally being conditioned to focus inward. Borba tells this heartbreaking story from a Harvard study where they asked 10,000 teens what their parents valued more: their achievement or them being a caring member of their community. Jackson: Oh, I'm almost afraid to hear the answer. Olivia: Eighty percent said their parents valued achievement and happiness over caring for others. There's a huge gap between what parents say they want—caring kids—and the message their children are actually receiving. Jackson: That's a tough pill to swallow. But I have to ask, isn't there a risk of being a bit alarmist here? I mean, every generation thinks the next one is going off the rails. Are kids today really that different, or are we just romanticizing the past? Olivia: That's a fair challenge, and one the book implicitly addresses. Borba isn't just relying on feelings or anecdotes. She's a scientist pointing to decades of data. The decline is measured using standardized psychological tools. It's not just a perception; it's a documented shift in personality traits and behaviors. Jackson: Okay, so it’s a real, measurable problem. If that's the diagnosis, what's the treatment? You can't just tell a kid, "Hey, go be more empathetic." Olivia: You can't. You have to build the muscle. Borba breaks it down into nine core habits, but the foundation really rests on a couple of radical ideas about how we learn to feel with other people. It starts with something she calls emotional literacy. Jackson: Emotional literacy... is that just knowing the difference between happy and sad? Olivia: It's more than that. It's the ability to accurately read non-verbal cues in others and understand the nuances of your own feelings. And the way Borba suggests teaching it is brilliant. She highlights a program called Roots of Empathy.

Jackson: Roots of Empathy. What does that involve? Olivia: It involves bringing a baby into a classroom. The baby becomes the teacher. She tells this amazing story about a third-grade class in Canada visited by a seven-month-old named Joshua and his mom. The kids sit in a circle around a green blanket, and their only job is to observe. Jackson: A baby as a teacher? That's incredible. What are they learning? Olivia: They're learning to read a person who can't speak. The instructor guides them. She'll ask, "What do you think Joshua is feeling right now? How can you tell?" The kids notice everything. One boy points out, "His hands are in little fists. Maybe he's scared." Another girl says, "We should smile at him so he knows we're friendly." Jackson: And does it work? Olivia: It's transformative. The kids smile, and Baby Joshua, who was tense, breaks into a huge grin. In that moment, the children don't just know he's happy; they feel it. They caused it. They learn that their actions have an emotional impact on another being. It's like learning the alphabet of human emotion from a master. Jackson: That's such a beautiful and gentle way to build that skill. It's learning by doing, not by lecture. Olivia: Exactly. But sometimes, to truly understand another person's world, you need something more... intense. This brings us to the next level of the empathy toolkit: perspective-taking. And the most powerful example of this is a famous, and very controversial, experiment. Jackson: I'm intrigued. Controversial how? Olivia: It was run by a third-grade teacher in Iowa named Jane Elliott, the day after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in 1968. Her students were all white, from a small farming town, and they didn't understand what racism or prejudice really felt like. Jackson: So what did she do? Olivia: She divided her class by eye color. On day one, she announced that the blue-eyed children were superior. They got extra recess, were praised constantly, and could drink from the water fountain. The brown-eyed children were told they were inferior. They had to wear collars, they were criticized, and they weren't allowed second helpings at lunch. Jackson: Wow. That sounds incredibly harsh for third graders. I can see why it's controversial. That feels almost unethical. Olivia: It was absolutely intense. And the change was immediate. The "superior" blue-eyed kids became arrogant and cruel. The "inferior" brown-eyed kids became timid, withdrawn, and their academic performance plummeted in a single day. Then, on day two, she reversed it. Jackson: The brown-eyed kids got their revenge? Olivia: Interestingly, no. The brown-eyed kids, having experienced the sting of discrimination, were far less cruel when they were on top. They knew what it felt like. At the end of the experiment, the kids hugged and cried. They finally got it. One student, decades later, said the exercise made them "more open-minded" and ensured their own children would never learn prejudice from them. It was a lesson they never forgot. Jackson: That gives me chills. It's a brutal lesson, but you can see how it would be impossible to forget. You can't learn that from a textbook. You have to live it. Olivia: And that's Borba's point. Empathy isn't just an intellectual exercise. It's about feeling. But even if you can feel what someone else is feeling, that doesn't guarantee you'll do anything about it. That's the final, and maybe the hardest, piece of the puzzle.

Jackson: Right. That's the bystander effect, isn't it? Everyone sees something wrong happening, but nobody steps in because they assume someone else will. Olivia: Precisely. Borba calls this the leap to Moral Courage. She makes a powerful distinction between a bystander—who just watches—and an "Upstander," the person who acts. And the data here is stunning: studies show that when a peer intervenes, bullying stops more than 57% of the time, usually within ten seconds. Jackson: Ten seconds! So one person stepping up can change everything. But it happens so rarely. Olivia: It does. And to figure out why, NBC's Dateline ran a fascinating experiment with Borba's help. They set up a fake audition for a "tween reality show" and had child actors play out a bullying scenario in front of unsuspecting kids, all while hidden cameras were rolling. Jackson: What happened? Olivia: Group after group, the kids did nothing. They looked uncomfortable, they fidgeted, but they stayed silent. They were classic bystanders. And then, a girl named Lucy walked in. Jackson: What did Lucy do? Olivia: The actors started their routine. The bully taunted the victim, calling him names, making fun of his clothes. Immediately, you could see Lucy's face change. She was feeling his pain. But then she did something no one else had. She got up and moved her chair closer to the victim. She quietly asked him if he was okay. Jackson: Just that small act is huge. Olivia: It was just the beginning. When the taunting got worse, she stood up, walked between the bully and the victim, and said firmly, "You need to stop. That's not cool." She put herself on the line. After the producers came in and revealed it was all a setup, Lucy just broke down and sobbed. Jackson: From relief? Olivia: Yes. She said, "Oh, I'm so glad this was fake! I felt so bad for him. I couldn't stand to see him hurting." Her empathy was so strong it physically compelled her to act, even though it was scary. Her father had said beforehand that he always told her, "I expect you to help others." That expectation became part of her moral identity. Jackson: That's the person we all hope our kid will be. But it feels like you have to be a superhero to do that. Does Borba give any practical advice for us mere mortals? It can't just be about hoping you raise a hero. Olivia: Absolutely. She offers very specific strategies for kids to become Upstanders. Things like teaching them to create a distraction, or to go get help from an adult together so they don't feel alone, or even just to stand next to the person being targeted to show solidarity. It's about giving them a toolkit of actions, so they aren't paralyzed in the moment.

Jackson: This is all connecting in a really powerful way. It’s not just about being 'nice.' It feels like a three-step process: first, you have to recognize the problem—the Selfie Syndrome. Then, you have to build the internal skills, the empathy toolkit, by learning to read feelings and see other perspectives. And finally, you have to have the courage to act on it. Olivia: Exactly. Borba's core argument is that for decades, we've been training kids for a world of individual achievement, a world of "me." But the future—whether in the workplace or in society—requires collaboration, innovation, and connection. It requires "we." Empathy isn't a soft skill anymore; it's the ultimate competitive advantage. It's the 'UnSelfie' mindset. Jackson: It reframes the whole purpose of parenting, really. It’s not just about raising a successful kid, but a good human who, in turn, becomes more successful because of it. Olivia: And you can start small. Borba has this great, simple tip called the "Two Kind Rule." Just challenge your kids, or even yourself, to intentionally say or do at least two kind things for other people each day. It’s like doing reps at the gym for your empathy muscle. Jackson: I love that. It makes it so practical. It makes you wonder, what's one small 'upstander' moment we might have missed this week, and what could we do differently next time? Olivia: A perfect question to leave our listeners with. Jackson: This is Aibrary, signing off.