Mark: The single worst piece of self-help advice you've ever received might be the one you hear the most: "Just be yourself." Michelle: Oh, I know that one. It's on inspirational posters, it's in every graduation speech. It’s the default advice for everything from a first date to a job interview. Mark: Exactly. But today, we're exploring why being "authentic" could be the very thing holding you back, and how faking it might be the most genuine path to confidence. Michelle: Wow, okay. That is a bold claim. I'm already intrigued. What's the source for this rebellion against being yourself? Mark: That's the core argument in a book with a title we probably can't say in full, Unfckology* by Amy Alkon. Michelle: Amy Alkon, right. Isn't she the "Advice Goddess"? She's been writing that syndicated column for decades, grounding relationship advice in evolutionary psychology. I remember reading her stuff; it was always sharp and funny. Mark: The very same. And she brings that same no-nonsense, science-first approach here. She makes a point of calling it "science-help," not self-help, because she’s frustrated with advice that isn't backed by evidence. The book actually has a pretty polarizing reception; some readers love the bluntness, others find it a bit aggressive. Michelle: I can see that. Her style is definitely not for everyone. So, what's her first target in this "science-help" mission? Mark: Her first target is the cult of authenticity.

Michelle: Okay, hold on. Challenging "authenticity"? That feels like a sacred cow. What's so wrong with being yourself? Are you saying we should all be fakes? Mark: That's the immediate reaction, right? But Alkon's logic is actually very straightforward. She defines authenticity as having your outer behavior match your inner self—your thoughts, feelings, and desires. Michelle: Yeah, that sounds about right. Acting in a way that feels true to you. Mark: But here's her question: what if your inner self is, for lack of a better word, a loser? What if your authentic, inner self is anxious, insecure, or just plain unpleasant? Should you authentically act that way? Michelle: Huh. When you put it like that... probably not. I guess I've never thought about the "what if your true self sucks?" angle. Mark: She uses a very stark hypothetical example to drive the point home. Imagine a guy whose "true self" has the desire to rob a liquor store. If he follows the advice to "be authentic," he aligns his behavior with his inner desire and... he robs the store. Michelle: Well, that's an extreme example, but I get the point. Unfiltered authenticity can be destructive. But what about for normal people who are just, say, authentically shy or anxious? They're not robbing anyone. Mark: That's the perfect question, because it gets to the heart of it for most of us. Alkon's argument is that if you feel social anxiety, acting "authentically" means you'll behave in an anxious way. You'll avoid eye contact, speak quietly, and shrink into a corner at a party. And what does that do? Michelle: It just reinforces the anxiety. You act anxious, you feel anxious, people react to your anxiety, which makes you more anxious. It's a feedback loop. Mark: Exactly. You're just practicing being the person you don't want to be. Alkon argues that the advice should be to be true to your values, not your fleeting, often unhelpful, feelings. You should act like your ideal self, the person you aspire to be. Michelle: So it's about choosing a better script. Instead of being true to the "real me" who is nervous about this presentation, I should be true to the "ideal me" who is confident and capable. Mark: Precisely. She says to screw the real you; be the ideal you. It might feel "inauthentic" at first. It might feel like you're performing. But that performance, repeated over time, is what actually forges the new you. Action becomes character. Michelle: Honestly, that makes a lot of sense. I've definitely faked confidence in a meeting—you know, sat up straighter, made myself speak up—and then, halfway through, realized I actually felt it. The feeling followed the action. Mark: That is the entire premise of the book in a nutshell. You've just described the central mechanism. The initial fakeness is just a temporary bridge. It's like learning any new skill. The first time you tried to ride a bike, it felt unnatural and "inauthentic." You weren't a "bike rider." You were a person awkwardly trying not to fall over. But you kept doing the action, and eventually, it became part of who you are. Michelle: That’s a great analogy. So authenticity isn't a state you're born with, it's something you build through your actions. It's not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. Mark: Yes! And this is where the book gets really interesting and practical. It moves from deconstructing this flawed idea of authenticity to giving you the tools to actually build that new self. Michelle: That makes sense. If you can't just think your way out of anxiety, and being "authentically" anxious doesn't help, then what's the alternative? How do you actually do it? Where does the science come in? Mark: The science comes from a fascinating field that explains why that "fake it 'til you make it" experience you had in the meeting is real. It’s called embodied cognition.

Michelle: Okay, "embodied cognition" sounds like something from a sci-fi movie. What does that actually mean in plain English? Mark: It's a simple but profound idea: your mind is not just your brain. Who you are—your thoughts, your emotions, your perceptions—is shaped by your entire body. Your posture, your movements, your breathing, even the physical metaphors you live by. Michelle: Wait, so how I'm sitting right now is affecting how I'm thinking? Mark: To a degree, yes. Alkon dives into the work of psychologist William James from over a century ago. The common-sense view is that we see a bear, we feel fear, and then we run. James flipped it. He argued that we see a bear, we run, and the physical act of running is what we perceive as the emotion of fear. The feeling follows the bodily response. Michelle: So it's like method acting for your own life? You adopt the physical role of a confident person, and your brain chemistry eventually catches up? Mark: That's a perfect way to put it. It's method acting for reality. The book is packed with research on this. For example, studies show that if you force people to smile by holding a pencil in their teeth, they actually find cartoons funnier. Their physical expression influences their emotional state. Michelle: I've heard about that one! And the power posing thing, right? Standing like a superhero for two minutes can actually change your hormone levels? Mark: Exactly. It can increase testosterone, which is linked to dominance and confidence, and decrease cortisol, the stress hormone. Your body is sending signals to your brain that say, "Hey, we're in charge here," and the brain listens. Alkon calls this "bidirectionality"—the street between your mind and body runs both ways. Your mind can affect your body, but your body can also powerfully affect your mind. Michelle: That’s incredible. So it’s not just about posture. What are some other ways our body shapes our mind? Mark: Alkon talks a lot about the power of metaphor. Our abstract concepts are often grounded in physical experiences. We say we feel "down" when we're sad, or that we have a "warm" relationship with someone. The science of embodied cognition shows these aren't just cute phrases. Michelle: What do you mean? Mark: Well, studies have found that holding a warm cup of coffee makes you perceive other people as being "warmer" and more generous. Physically washing your hands can make you feel less guilty about a past moral transgression—literally "wiping the slate clean." Your brain doesn't always distinguish between the physical act and the abstract concept it represents. Michelle: Wow. That is wild. It's like our brains are running on this ancient, physical hardware, and we can use that to our advantage. This connects to the idea of rituals she talks about, doesn't it? Mark: It connects directly. Rituals are embodied cognition in action. They are structured, symbolic physical acts that help us manage our emotions and navigate change. Alkon argues that rituals are powerful because they give us a sense of control and reduce anxiety, especially during uncertain times. Michelle: What kind of rituals are we talking about? Not like, obsessive hand-washing, I hope. Mark: No, she's very clear to distinguish these from the compulsive behaviors of OCD. These are intentional, meaningful rituals. She even provides a guide for a "Funeral for the Self." Michelle: A funeral for the self? That sounds... morbid. Mark: It's dramatic, but the psychology is sound. It’s a ritual to let go of your old, "loser" self. You write down the traits you want to get rid of, you perform a symbolic act of burial or burning, and you state your intention to become this new person. It’s a physical, memorable event that signals to your brain that a real change is happening. It's not just a thought; it's an experience. Michelle: I can see how that would be more powerful than just writing a to-do list. You're creating a story, a ceremony. It's like a psychological line in the sand. Mark: And it works because it engages your body. It's not just an idea in your head. You are physically doing something to mark the transition. This is the "science-help" in action. It's taking these principles of embodied cognition and turning them into a practical, if slightly theatrical, toolkit for change.

Mark: So the book's big idea is really a one-two punch. First, it gives you permission to stop being a slave to your current feelings—to stop trying to be "authentic" to a self that isn't serving you. Michelle: Right, it frees you from that feedback loop of anxiety. It reframes "faking it" not as being dishonest, but as practicing for the person you want to become. Mark: Exactly. And then, the second part of the punch, it gives you a practical, physical toolkit to build that person. It's not about thinking positive thoughts. It's about using your body—your posture, your actions, your rituals—to send new signals to your brain. Michelle: It’s a much more active approach. It’s about doing, not just wishing or affirming. I find that really empowering. The idea that you can physically sculpt your own confidence is a game-changer. Mark: It really is. It shifts the focus from some mysterious inner quality called "self-esteem" to concrete, controllable behaviors. You don't have to wait to feel confident to act. You act, and the confidence will follow. Michelle: This is all great, but what's one tiny thing someone could do today, right after listening, to put this into practice? Something less dramatic than a funeral for themselves. Mark: I think the simplest and most effective starting point comes from her chapter "Rise and Spine." For the rest of the day, just focus on your posture. When you're walking, when you're sitting, when you're standing in line for coffee. Pull your shoulders back, lift your chin, take up a little more space. Michelle: So, just walk like you own the place? Mark: Not necessarily with arrogance. But with presence. The key is, don't do it to look confident for other people. Do it as an experiment. Do it to send a signal to your own brain. Notice how it feels. That physical shift is the first step in the embodied cognition process. It's the first rep in the gym for building your new self. Michelle: I love that. It's simple, it's actionable, and it's a private experiment you can run on yourself. It makes you wonder, who is the "ideal you" you'd start acting like? Mark: That's the ultimate question, isn't it? A powerful thought to carry with you. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.