Olivia: Here’s a staggering thought. Research shows that while 92% of LGBTQ youth report hearing negative messages about who they are, having just one, single supportive parent can cut their risk of attempting suicide by a massive amount. Jackson: Wow. That’s not just a statistic, that’s a lifeline. It puts parental support in a whole new light. It’s not just ‘nice to have,’ it’s life-or-death. Olivia: It is. And it reveals that the most loving thing a parent can do in that situation might not be what they initially think. That’s the life-or-death reality at the heart of the book we're diving into today: Unconditional: A Guide to Loving and Supporting Your LGBTQ Child by Telaina Eriksen. Jackson: And Eriksen isn't just an academic; she's a professor at Michigan State, but more importantly, she's the mother of a gay daughter. She wrote this from the trenches, which gives it this incredible, raw honesty. Olivia: Exactly. The book is highly-regarded, it even won the Bisexual Book Award because it speaks so directly to these experiences. And she starts with a place many parents find themselves in, but are too ashamed to admit. Jackson: What do you mean, 'ashamed to admit'? What's the secret starting point?

Olivia: The secret is that when your child comes out, even if you are the most liberal, loving parent in the world, you might feel a sense of loss. Eriksen is brutally honest about this. She says it's okay for parents to mourn. Jackson: Hold on, 'mourn'? That sounds so final, and frankly, really negative. Isn't that harmful for the kid to sense? It feels like you’re mourning them. Olivia: That’s the critical distinction she makes. It's not about mourning the child, but mourning the loss of a certain kind of future you had pictured. She has this powerful quote: "It is okay to mourn. You and your child have lost something. You’ve lost belonging to a social norm, and with it the rights and privileges of 'normal.'" Jackson: Ah, I see. So it’s not about rejecting the child, but acknowledging the death of an expectation. The life script we all get handed—the one with the traditional wedding, the grandkids, the easy path. Olivia: Precisely. It’s a parent’s internal process. The danger isn't in having the feeling; the danger is in making your child carry that grief for you. Eriksen shares her own story of when her daughter, Casandra, came out as bisexual shortly before her 13th birthday. The author had no idea, and her first thought was just to say, "We love you, and we just want you to be happy." But she acknowledges that for many parents, the journey isn't that smooth. Jackson: And the stakes are so high if they get it wrong. The foreword of the book, written by a clinical psychologist, is just devastating. It talks about 13-year-olds being kicked out of their homes, turning to drugs or sex work, even suicide, all because their parents couldn't get past that initial shock. Olivia: It’s the tragic outcome of conditional love. The psychologist contrasts those stories with others—of transgender students thriving in college with family support, of parents proudly walking their kids down the aisle at same-sex weddings. The difference-maker, every single time, is that unconditional support. Jackson: So the book is giving parents permission to have their messy, human reaction, but on their own time. To process their own feelings of loss or fear so they don't project them onto their child. Olivia: Yes. It’s about understanding that your child has likely been grappling with this for years. They’ve rehearsed this conversation a hundred times. For them, it's a moment of profound vulnerability. The book says, "Dead silence to the coming out pronouncement is probably your child’s greatest fear next to a screaming match." Jackson: That’s a powerful image. So what’s the first step for a parent who is feeling that shock? Olivia: The first step is to just say, "I love you." And then, "Thank you for telling me." And then, you go find your own support system—a therapist, a PFLAG meeting, a trusted friend—to work through your own stuff. Your child cannot be your therapist for their own coming out. Jackson: That makes so much sense. You have to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting your child. Olivia: A perfect analogy. And once you've done that internal work, the real external work begins. Because loving your child at home is one thing, but protecting them out in the world is another. This is where the parent becomes an advocate.

Jackson: I think a lot of parents would struggle with that. The line between advocating and being an overbearing 'helicopter parent' can feel blurry. Olivia: Eriksen addresses that head-on. She says advocating for your LGBTQ child is not helicopter parenting. Helicopter parenting is about a parent's own anxiety. Advocacy is about correcting a power imbalance. The world is not a level playing field for these kids. Jackson: What does that imbalance look like in practice? Olivia: She gives this perfect, infuriating example. Imagine a high school student named Gina. She’s a good student. She has a girlfriend named Sam. One day, they’re holding hands by the classroom door, and her health teacher, Mr. Jones, sees them. He pulls Gina aside, scolds her for public displays of affection, and sends her to the principal. Jackson: Okay, but lots of schools have PDA rules. Olivia: Right. But Gina sees straight couples holding hands and hugging all the time, and Mr. Jones never says a word to them. Suddenly, the rule is only being enforced for the gay couple. Then, it gets worse. Mr. Jones starts giving Gina bad grades on subjective assignments. He writes her up for minor things. He's targeting her. Jackson: So the teacher is basically punishing her for being gay, but disguising it as a rule violation. What can a parent even do in that situation? The system feels rigged. Olivia: This is where advocacy becomes a strategy, not just an emotional reaction. Eriksen lays out a clear plan. First, you listen to your child and believe them. Then, you gather information. You get a copy of the school handbook and read the PDA and anti-discrimination policies yourself. You document everything—every incident, every date, every unfair grade. Jackson: You build a case. Olivia: You build a case. Then you plan. You request a meeting with Mr. Jones and the principal. You go in calm, with your documentation, and you don't just complain—you propose solutions. "We've noticed the PDA rule seems to be applied inconsistently. Could we clarify the school's policy for all students?" Or, "We're concerned about Gina's grades. Can we review the rubric for these assignments together?" Jackson: You’re not just yelling; you’re using the system’s own language against the bias. That's brilliant. Olivia: It is. And it’s crucial because of what Eriksen calls "minority stress." It’s the chronic, low-grade anxiety that comes from living in a world that constantly tells you you’re different or wrong. It’s hearing "that's so gay" in the hallway. It’s never seeing families like yours in movies. That stress is exhausting, and kids can't fight it alone. Jackson: So when a parent steps in, they're not just fighting one teacher. They're pushing back against that entire wave of negativity. Olivia: Exactly. And the message it sends to the child is profound. It says, "I see you. I believe you. You are worth fighting for." Even if the situation with Mr. Jones doesn't resolve perfectly, Gina knows her parent has her back. That builds a resilience that is absolutely priceless. Jackson: It’s a fundamental shift from just loving your child to actively defending their right to exist happily in the world. Olivia: That’s the core of it. The book is a guide to moving from passive love to active, unconditional support.

Jackson: So it's really a two-front war for parents, isn't it? An internal one with your own expectations and an external one with the world's prejudices. Olivia: Exactly. And that's the profound insight of Unconditional. It's not just about waving a rainbow flag. It's about the quiet, difficult work of examining your own heart, and then the brave, strategic work of shielding your child from a world that isn't always ready to love them back. The author shares these heartbreaking statistics from the GLSEN survey—over half of LGBTQ students feel unsafe at school. Advocacy isn't a choice; it's a lifeline. Jackson: It makes you think... what 'normal' expectations are we holding onto for our kids that might be preventing us from truly seeing and loving them for who they are? Olivia: That's the question, isn't it? It applies to so much more than just this topic. It's about letting go of our own scripts for their lives. We'd love to hear your thoughts on this. What does unconditional support look like in your family or community? Find us on our socials and share your story. Jackson: It’s a conversation worth having. Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.