Mark: Alright, here's a thought: What if the secret to happiness isn't thinking positive, but accepting that things are, and always will be, a little bit screwed up? What if 'Don't Try' is the best advice you'll ever get? Michelle: Okay, 'Don't Try'? That sounds like my life motto on a Monday morning. But seriously, that goes against every single self-help book I’ve ever seen on a bookstore shelf. They’re all about manifesting positivity and 10x-ing your life. Mark: Exactly! And that's the whole point of the book we're diving into today: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. What's fascinating is that Manson wasn't some guru who descended from a mountaintop. He started as a dating advice blogger in the 2000s and wrote this book as a direct rebellion against what he called the 'mindless positivity' of the entire self-help industry. Michelle: A rebellion, I like that. So he’s basically the punk rock of personal development. Mark: That’s a perfect way to put it. He saw a culture obsessed with feeling good all the time and said, "This is not only unrealistic, it's making us miserable." The whole 'Don't Try' philosophy, for instance, is inspired by one of his heroes, the poet Charles Bukowski. Michelle: Oh, I know Bukowski. Wasn't he famous for being, well, kind of a mess? Mark: A glorious mess. And that’s the perfect place to start.

Mark: Bukowski was the poster child for failure. He was an alcoholic, a womanizer, a gambler, and he spent decades working a dead-end job at a post office. He wrote on the side, but for thirty years, almost every publisher rejected him. By all conventional metrics, he was a loser. Michelle: That doesn't sound very inspirational so far. Where's the self-help part? Mark: Here’s the twist. Bukowski knew he was a loser, and he was comfortable with it. He didn't try to be someone he wasn't. He wrote about his pain, his flaws, his misery, with brutal, unflinching honesty. And then, at age fifty, a small independent publisher took a chance on him. They offered him a tiny stipend to quit his job and write full-time. Michelle: And he took it? At fifty? Mark: He wrote back, "I have one of two choices—stay in the post office and go crazy... or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve." He wrote his first novel in three weeks. And he became a massive success, selling millions of books. His epitaph, carved on his tombstone, is just two words: "Don't try." Michelle: Okay, but hold on. Isn't that just a classic case of survivor bias? For every Charles Bukowski who embraces failure and makes it, aren't there a thousand people who 'don't try' and just... end up failing? It sounds a bit like an excuse for apathy. Mark: That’s the question everyone asks, and it’s the first subtle art Manson teaches. 'Don't try' doesn't mean be indifferent. It means stop trying to be something you're not. Manson calls the opposite of this "The Feedback Loop from Hell." Michelle: The Feedback Loop from Hell. Sounds like my social media feed. Mark: It basically is! Think about it. You feel anxious, so you get anxious about being anxious. You feel angry, then you get angry at yourself for feeling angry. You feel guilty, and then you feel guilty about feeling guilty. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle where the desire for a more positive experience is, itself, a negative experience. Michelle: Oh, I’ve been there. That feeling of 'I should be happy right now, why am I not happy?' which, of course, just makes you feel worse. Mark: Precisely. Our culture, with its endless stream of Instagram posts of perfect lives, tells us that it’s not okay to feel bad. So we pathologize normal human emotions. Bukowski's genius was that he short-circuited that loop. He didn't give a fuck about feeling bad. He accepted it. And in that acceptance, he found a weird kind of freedom that allowed his authentic voice to come through. Michelle: So the 'not giving a fuck' isn't about not caring about anything. It's about not caring about the inevitable negative feelings that come with being human. Mark: You've got it. It’s about accepting that pain and struggle are woven into the fabric of life. And once you stop running from them, you can actually start dealing with the things that truly matter. Which brings us to the next big idea: if you're going to struggle anyway, you might as well choose a struggle that's worthwhile.

Michelle: Okay, so accepting the negative is step one. But you can't just accept everything. Manson says you have to choose what's worth caring about, right? This is where the 'subtle art' part comes in, I'm guessing. Mark: Exactly. This is about our values. Manson argues that most of our deep-seated problems come from having, in his words, "shitty values." Michelle: Hold on. 'Shitty values.' What does Manson actually mean by that? Can you give me the simple definition? Mark: A shitty value is a standard for success that is outside of your control, is not based in reality, or is socially destructive. The most common ones are pleasure, material success, and always being right. Michelle: Pleasure sounds like a pretty good value to me. Mark: It sounds good, but it's a terrible guide for life. Pleasure is a byproduct, not a goal. If you make it your goal, you end up chasing highs and avoiding any kind of pain, which, as we just discussed, is necessary for growth. The best way to understand this is through another story. Let's talk about two rock stars. Michelle: I'm in. Mark: In 1983, a young, fiery guitarist named Dave Mustaine was kicked out of his band right before they recorded their first album and became the biggest metal band in the world. The band was Metallica. Michelle: Ouch. That has to sting. Mark: It did more than sting. It defined his entire life. Mustaine was furious and vowed to start a new band that would be so successful it would make Metallica regret their decision. He formed Megadeth. And by any objective measure, he succeeded. Megadeth became a legendary metal band, selling over 25 million albums. Michelle: So, happy ending, right? He got his revenge. Mark: Not at all. In a 2003 interview, at the height of his fame, Mustaine was nearly in tears. He still considered himself a failure. Why? Because no matter how successful he became, Metallica was always more successful. His core value—'be more successful than Metallica'—was something he couldn't control. It was a shitty value, and it made him miserable. Michelle: Wow. So he won the game but still felt like he lost. So who's the contrast? Mark: Let's rewind to 1962. A drummer named Pete Best gets a call from his band's manager. He's being fired. The next day, the band hires Ringo Starr, and The Beatles go on to become... well, The Beatles. Michelle: That’s an even bigger ouch. That’s like getting kicked off the Apollo 11 crew right before launch. Mark: For years, Best was deeply depressed. It was a public humiliation. But eventually, he re-evaluated his life. He realized what he truly valued wasn't fame or glory. It was a stable life, a loving relationship, and family. He met his wife, raised a family, and worked as a civil servant for twenty years. In an interview decades later, he said, "I'm happier than I would have been with the Beatles." Michelle: So a 'shitty value' is basically a goal you can't control, like being more popular than someone else. And a 'good value' is something internal and process-oriented, like being a good father or an honest person? Mark: That's the core of it. Good values are reality-based, socially constructive, and within our immediate control. Honesty, creativity, vulnerability, standing up for yourself. You can enact those values right now. You can't enact 'be richer than Jeff Bezos' right now. Manson calls the process of finding these values peeling the 'Self-Awareness Onion.' The first layer is understanding your emotions. The next is asking why you feel those emotions. And the deepest layer, the core, is understanding the personal values that are driving those emotions. Michelle: And that’s a process that requires being wrong, failing, and getting rejected, which most of us try to avoid. Mark: And choosing those values leads directly to the book's most powerful, and maybe most difficult, idea: taking total responsibility.

Mark: This is the concept that truly separates Manson's work from a lot of other self-help. He argues that we are always choosing our response to everything that happens in our lives. Michelle: Okay, I can see how that's empowering. But what about things that are genuinely not your fault? Like being born into poverty, or getting a terrible disease, or being the victim of a crime? Mark: This is where he introduces the "Responsibility/Fault Fallacy." He says fault is past tense; responsibility is present tense. Fault results from a choice that has already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you're currently making, every second of every day. It might not be your fault that you have a chronic illness, but it is 100% your responsibility to choose how you live with it. Michelle: That is a very tough pill to swallow. It feels like it could easily slip into victim-blaming. In fact, that's a major criticism I've heard about the book—that it oversimplifies complex mental health issues or socio-economic problems by putting all the onus on the individual. Mark: It's a valid critique if you misinterpret the idea. He's not saying 'just choose to be happy.' He's saying 'you are always choosing your metrics and your response.' The most profound example of this is the story of William James, who is basically the father of American psychology. Michelle: Tell me. Mark: James was born into a wealthy family in the 19th century, but his life was a catalogue of suffering. He had debilitating back pain, stomach issues, hearing problems, and bouts of severe depression. He felt like a complete failure, especially compared to his successful novelist brother, Henry James. He was on the verge of suicide. Michelle: He sounds like someone who was truly a victim of his circumstances. Mark: He certainly felt that way. But then, while reading the works of a philosopher named Charles Peirce, he decided to conduct an experiment. For one year, he would choose to believe that he was 100% responsible for everything that occurred in his life. He would no longer blame his genetics, his father, or fate. Whatever happened, he was responsible for his response. Michelle: A one-man clinical trial on his own life. What happened? Mark: It changed everything. He wrote in his diary that his first act of free will would be to believe in free will. That single shift in mindset—from being a passive victim to an active agent—unleashed his potential. He went on to become one of the most influential thinkers of his time, taught at Harvard, and fundamentally shaped how we understand the human mind. He chose his struggle, and that choice gave him power. Michelle: Wow, that's an intense story. It reframes responsibility not as a burden, but as the source of power. You're not responsible for the hand you're dealt, but you're always responsible for how you play it. Mark: Exactly. It's the ultimate rejection of victimhood. And in our modern culture, which Manson argues has a bit of a 'victimhood chic' problem, that message is more potent than ever. It's not about blame. It's about agency.

Michelle: So it all connects. You start by rejecting the chase for happiness, which breaks that 'Feedback Loop from Hell.' You use the mental space you've gained to peel back the onion of self-awareness and choose better, controllable values. And then you take radical responsibility for living by those values, no matter what life throws at you. It’s a full system for a more grounded life. Mark: It really is. And the simplest way to start, the one question he says is more important than any other, isn't 'What do you want to enjoy?' or 'What do you want to achieve?' The most important question is: 'What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?' Michelle: That's a powerful question. Because what you're willing to suffer for reveals your true values far more than what you say you want. You might say you want a great body, but are you willing to struggle through the pain of the gym every day? You might say you want to be an entrepreneur, but are you willing to struggle with the risk and the 80-hour weeks? Mark: Precisely. Your answer to that question is the compass for your life. It points you toward your meaning. Because happiness isn't an equation to be solved; it's the byproduct of solving the problems you've chosen to care about. Michelle: It’s a powerful question to sit with. What struggle are you choosing, maybe without even realizing it? And is it a struggle that's actually serving you? That’s a lot to think about. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.