Laura: The biggest lie we're told about finding love? That you need to be out there, searching for 'the one.' Today, we're exploring a radical idea: the secret to a great relationship might be locking the door, turning off your phone, and learning to be completely alone. Sophia: That is so counterintuitive. It sounds like a recipe for becoming a hermit, not for finding a partner. But I have a feeling this is where you're going to introduce today's book. Laura: You know it. That's the core premise of Jay Shetty's book, The Practice of Love. Sophia: And Shetty is a fascinating figure to be writing this. He's not a traditional psychologist; he spent three years as a Hindu monk. That experience deeply shapes his whole approach to love, blending ancient wisdom with very modern problems. Laura: Exactly. He argues love isn't something you find, it's something you practice. And the training for that practice, Rule #1, begins in solitude. But let's be honest, Sophia, being alone is terrifying for most people, right? Sophia: Terrifying is an understatement. I think for a lot of us, especially with social media and dating apps, the ambient hum of potential connection is always there. The idea of pure, intentional solitude feels… unnatural. And a little lonely. Laura: And that's the exact distinction Shetty makes right at the start. He quotes the theologian Paul Tillich, who said, "Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone." Sophia: Okay, I like that. Loneliness is a lack, solitude is a presence. But how do you get from one to the other? They can feel awfully similar when it's 9 PM on a Saturday and you're scrolling through pictures of your friends' engagement parties. Laura: That's the crux of it. Shetty argues that the fear of loneliness drives us to make terrible decisions in love. He tells this story about a guy named Leo that is just a perfect, painful illustration of this.

Sophia: Oh, I'm ready. Give me the cautionary tale. Laura: So, Leo is dating a woman named Isla in Philadelphia. They've been together for about a year, and things are good. But then, Isla gets a great job offer in Austin, Texas. She moves, and tells Leo she's not sure about the future of their relationship. Sophia: Ouch. The classic long-distance fade-out. Laura: Exactly. And Leo panics. All his friends are coupled up, and the thought of being single and alone is just unbearable. So, without a job lined up, without asking himself if he even likes Austin, without really thinking at all, he packs up his life and moves across the country for her. Sophia: Oh no. I can see where this is going, and it's not to a happy Texas ranch. Laura: Not even close. A month after he arrives, having completely uprooted his life for her, Isla ends the relationship. So now he's stuck in a city where he knows no one, working remotely, and feeling lonelier and more isolated than he ever did in Philadelphia. He ran from loneliness and ended up creating a much deeper, more profound version of it. Sophia: That is a brutal story, and so relatable. It’s the perfect example of making a decision from a place of fear and scarcity, not from a place of confidence and wholeness. You’re not choosing a person; you’re running from a feeling. Laura: Precisely. Shetty’s point is that if Leo had been comfortable in his own solitude, he could have made a rational decision. He could have said, "I love you, let's try to make this work long-distance," or "This is too uncertain for me, maybe this is where we part ways." But because he was driven by fear, he made a choice that had nothing to do with Isla and everything to do with his own insecurity. Sophia: Okay, so if we're not supposed to be like Leo, how do we actually get comfortable with being alone? It sounds nice in theory, but it's hard in practice. What are the steps to get from that painful 'loneliness' to glorious 'solitude'? Laura: Shetty lays out a three-stage path. The first is simply Presence. Just being with yourself without distraction. No phone, no TV, no podcast—sorry, listeners!—just you and your thoughts. It’s about noticing what comes up. Sophia: That sounds like meditation, which a lot of people find really difficult. The silence can be deafening. Laura: It is! And that leads to stage two, which is Embracing Discomfort. He says you have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that arise—the boredom, the anxiety, the sadness. He tells this little story about a woman named Mari who is terrified of water bugs and always relies on her roommate to kill them. Sophia: A classic roommate dynamic. The bug slayer and the bug screamer. Laura: Totally. But one weekend, the roommate is gone, and a giant water bug appears in Mari's room. She panics, but she's alone. She can't whack it. So she just… stares at it. And in that moment of forced presence and discomfort, she starts to reflect on her fear. She ends up gently ushering it out the window with a broom. She learned she could handle it herself. Solitude forced her to confront her fear and discover her own capability. Sophia: I love that. It’s a small-scale version of what Leo failed to do. Instead of running from the scary thing, she sat with it and learned something. So, Presence, Discomfort… what’s the third stage? Laura: Confidence. Once you can be present with yourself and navigate your own discomfort, you start building real self-confidence. You realize you don't need someone else to complete you or save you from your feelings. You are a whole person on your own. And that is the only state from which you can truly choose a partner for the right reasons. Sophia: It’s like you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re looking for someone to fill your cup, you’ll accept anyone with a pitcher, even if it’s full of poison. But if your cup is already full, you can be discerning. You can look for someone whose cup is also full, and you can share. Laura: That's a perfect analogy. And this is where Shetty introduces the idea of karma in relationships. It’s not about cosmic reward and punishment. He defines it as the patterns and impressions from our past that cause us to repeat the same mistakes. Sophia: So it’s less about 'bad karma' being a curse, and more like a psychological feedback loop? If you don't learn the lesson from your fear of loneliness, you'll just keep attracting situations that trigger it, like Leo did. Laura: Exactly. Solitude is the classroom where you study your own karma. You figure out your patterns so you don't have to repeat them in your next relationship. Sophia: Okay, so you've mastered solitude. You're no longer Leo. You're in a relationship. That's when the real hard work starts, right? The arguments. Laura: Oh, absolutely. And that brings us to the next phase of the practice. Once you've learned to love yourself, you have to learn to love others, especially when it's hard.

Laura: Shetty has a rule for this that I think is so powerful: Win or Lose Together. He quotes this line: "Every time one of you loses, you both lose. Every time the problem loses, you both win." Sophia: That's a lovely thought, but in the heat of the moment, who is thinking about 'winning together'? You just want to be right! Your partner left the wet towel on the bed for the thousandth time, and you just want to win the point that they are a slob. Laura: I know, the ego is a powerful thing. But Shetty argues that most arguments aren't about the actual topic—the towel, the dishes, being late. They're about a deeper, underlying issue. He tells this great story about a guy named Dean. Sophia: Another cautionary tale? Let's hear it. Laura: Dean and his girlfriend are at a wedding. She goes to the bar to get them drinks, and a guy starts flirting with her. She's polite but friendly. Dean sees this from across the room and starts fuming. When she gets back, he accuses her of disrespecting him and threatens to end the relationship. Sophia: Whoa. That’s a huge escalation over a pretty normal social interaction. Laura: A massive escalation. The night is ruined. They fight. Later, in therapy, Dean realizes the truth. The real reason he felt so threatened wasn't because his girlfriend was flirting. It was because he felt deeply insecure about their relationship and his own self-worth. The surface problem was the guy at the bar; the core problem was his own insecurity. Sophia: So he was fighting the wrong battle. He made his girlfriend the enemy, when the real enemy was his own fear. Laura: Exactly. He was trying to 'win' against her, but by doing so, they both lost the evening, and a piece of their trust. If they had approached it as 'them against the problem,' the conversation would have been totally different. He could have said, "Hey, I know this is my issue, but when I see you getting attention from other guys, it makes me feel really insecure. Can we talk about that?" Sophia: That requires a level of self-awareness that most of us don't have mid-argument. It’s easy to analyze it in a therapist's office days later. How do you do that in real time? Laura: This is where Shetty gets really practical. He offers a framework called PEACE for productive arguments. It's an acronym. Sophia: Okay, I'm ready for it. A conflict checklist. Laura: Pretty much. P is for Place and Time. Don't have a major emotional discussion when you're tired, hungry, or in public. Choose a neutral, calm moment. Sophia: That alone would prevent about 80% of arguments. No more "we need to talk" texts at 11 PM. Laura: Right? E is for Expression. Use "I" statements. Instead of "You always do this," try "I feel hurt when this happens." It’s about owning your feeling, not casting blame. Sophia: Classic, but effective. What's A? Laura: A is for Anger Management. He quotes a statistic that 90% of conflict is due to the wrong tone of voice. If you feel yourself getting heated, take a break. Walk away. Breathe. Don't let anger hijack the conversation. Sophia: The 20-minute cool-down. It's a lifesaver. Okay, C and E? Laura: C is for Commitment. The goal of the argument isn't to win, it's to find a solution. What will you both commit to doing differently? Make a concrete plan. And finally, E is for Evolution. After the conflict, reflect. Did you handle it well? What could you do better next time? And, crucially, apologize. A real apology isn't just "I'm sorry," it's "I understand why what I did was hurtful, and here's how I'll change my behavior." Sophia: So it’s a full cycle. It’s not just about de-escalating the fight, but about using the fight as data to improve the relationship. You're not just putting out a fire; you're fireproofing the house for the future. Laura: That's the perfect way to put it. You're turning a moment of disconnection into a tool for deeper connection. It’s hard, disciplined work. It’s a practice. Sophia: It really is. And it connects back to the solitude thing. If Dean had done the work in solitude to understand his insecurity, he wouldn't have brought that fire to the wedding in the first place. Laura: That's the whole philosophy in a nutshell. The inner work you do alone directly impacts the outer work you do with a partner.

Laura: So the journey Shetty lays out is fascinating. It starts with mastering your inner world through solitude, so you don't bring your insecurities into a relationship, like Dean did. Then, you use that inner strength to treat relationship challenges not as battles to be won, but as problems to be solved together. Sophia: It really reframes love from a feeling you fall into, to a skill you build. It's less about finding the perfect person and more about becoming a person who is ready for a real, imperfect partnership. The book got some mixed reviews, with some readers finding it a bit idealistic, but I think the core message is incredibly solid. The idea that you have to be a whole person first is something that I think our culture often forgets in its rush for romance. Laura: Absolutely. And he extends this practice outward. The final stage of love in his framework, Sannyasa, is about extending that love to everyone—your community, strangers, the world. It becomes a way of being, not just a way of relating to one person. Sophia: Which is a beautiful, if daunting, goal. It makes me wonder, for our listeners, which is harder for you: the inner work of being alone, or the outer work of navigating conflict in a relationship? Laura: That's a great question. They're two very different kinds of courage. We'd love to hear what you think. Find us on our social channels and let us know which part of the practice resonates most with you, or which part feels like the biggest challenge. Sophia: It’s a journey, not a destination. A practice, not a performance. I think that’s the most freeing takeaway of all. Laura: This is Aibrary, signing off.