Narrator: A mother is trying to put her two-year-old son into his car seat. He resists, insisting, "Only Daddy can!" For a moment, she’s calm. But as he repeats his demand, something shifts. A memory, deep and unspoken, surfaces—the sting of her own father favoring her siblings, the terror of his abuse. In an instant, her son’s innocent defiance feels like a profound humiliation. The past rushes into the present, and she loses control, grabbing her small son and trying to force him into the seat. The moment is no longer about a toddler’s whim; it’s about a lifetime of unresolved pain. Why does a simple, everyday parenting challenge trigger such an overwhelming reaction? And more importantly, how can such a cycle be broken?

In their book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson argue that the answer lies not in perfect parenting techniques, but in the simple, profound act of being present. They reveal that the single greatest predictor of a child’s well-being is having at least one person in their life who consistently and reliably shows up for them. This presence shapes a child’s brain, builds resilience, and creates the foundation for a happy, successful life.

Narrator: Before a parent can consistently show up for their child, they must understand the forces that might prevent them from doing so. Attachment science reveals that our own childhood experiences create an internal blueprint for how we relate to others, especially our own children. This was famously demonstrated in the "Strange Situation" experiment, where researchers observed how infants responded to being briefly separated from their caregivers. The results revealed distinct patterns, or attachment styles.

To understand this in practice, consider four fathers responding to the same event: their four-month-old baby crying. The first father hears the cry, picks up his daughter, correctly identifies her hunger, and tenderly feeds her. His response is contingent and attuned. His daughter learns that her needs will be met, and she develops a secure attachment.

The second father dismisses the cries, irritated at the interruption. He angrily changes her diaper, puts her in her crib, and only feeds her after an hour of fussing. His daughter learns that her needs are an inconvenience and that relationships are not a reliable source of comfort. She develops an avoidant attachment, learning to suppress her emotions.

The third father wants to help, but his own anxiety overwhelms him. He becomes flooded with his own past stress, unable to tune in to what his daughter actually needs. His response is inconsistent and chaotic. His daughter learns that care is unpredictable, and she develops an ambivalent attachment, often feeling confused and anxious herself.

The fourth father is triggered by the crying, which evokes his own childhood trauma. He becomes frightening, yelling at the baby until she stares blankly into space. The source of comfort becomes the source of terror. This creates a disorganized attachment, where the child has no coherent strategy for getting her needs met.

The authors stress a crucial point: history is not destiny. By making sense of our own past—by creating a coherent narrative of our experiences—we can develop "earned secure attachment." This allows a parent to break the cycle and provide the consistent presence their child needs, regardless of their own upbringing.

Narrator: The journey of showing up begins with the first of the Four S’s: making a child feel Safe. This goes far beyond helmets and kneepads. True safety is physical, emotional, and relational. The authors argue that parents have two primary jobs in this domain: to protect their children from harm and, crucially, to avoid becoming the source of fear themselves.

Consider the case of Kaitlin, a fifth-grader whose father, Craig, is prone to angry outbursts. He yells at her for leaving a sweatshirt in the living room and criticizes her for crying. Though Kaitlin is physically safe and her mother is supportive, her father’s behavior creates a climate of emotional unsafety. Her nervous system is constantly on high alert in her own home, which undermines her resilience. This illustrates that emotional harm can be just as damaging as physical harm, a fact supported by the landmark Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study, which links childhood trauma to a host of negative health outcomes in adulthood.

At the same time, the authors warn against overprotection. A parent who shields their child from every minor struggle or frustration robs them of the chance to build resilience. Children learn they can overcome obstacles by actually overcoming them. The goal is to create a "safe harbor"—a home environment where a child feels protected and secure, but also has the confidence to venture out and face age-appropriate challenges.

Narrator: Once a child feels safe, they need to feel Seen. This means a parent attunes not just to a child's behavior, but to the mind beneath the behavior. It’s the ability to perceive their child’s internal world—their feelings, thoughts, and memories—and respond in a way that makes the child feel understood. The authors call this capacity "mindsight."

The story of Jasmine and her eight-year-old daughter, Alisia, powerfully illustrates this challenge. Alisia began suffering from mysterious headaches, and doctor after doctor could find nothing wrong. Jasmine started to wonder if her daughter was exaggerating to miss school. Her own past experiences with a chronically ill mother made her resistant to accepting that her own child might be sick. For months, Alisia felt unseen in her pain. Finally, a neuropsychologist diagnosed a treatable disorder. Jasmine was flooded with guilt, realizing her own fears had prevented her from truly seeing her daughter's reality.

To see a child is to approach them with curiosity, to let go of labels and assumptions, and to make time to understand their perspective. It means that when a twelve-year-old has a meltdown over a missing pair of shorts before a party, the parent resists the urge to lecture and instead recognizes the very real social anxiety fueling the outburst. By seeing the emotion behind the behavior, the parent can connect with and support the child, making them feel known and valued for who they are.

Narrator: When a child is in distress, they need to be Soothed. Soothing is the contingent, comforting response that helps a child’s overwhelmed nervous system return to a state of calm. This is not about coddling or giving in to every demand. It is about co-regulating a child’s emotions so they can eventually learn to self-regulate.

The authors contrast two scenarios. In one, a four-year-old named Max is coloring a picture for his mother when his teacher, Mrs. Breedlove, abruptly announces recess. When Max asks for a moment to finish, she sees it as defiance, grabs his crayon, and accidentally rips his drawing. Max, overwhelmed, slaps her leg. He is punished and internalizes a painful lesson: when his feelings get too big, he is on his own and will get in trouble.

Now imagine if Mrs. Breedlove had soothed him instead. She could have knelt down, acknowledged his desire to finish the drawing, and offered a solution, like saving it for later. Max would have learned a different lesson: when his feelings get big, a caring adult will help him manage them.

Effective soothing can be summarized with the acronym P-E-A-C-E: offering Presence, Engagement, Affection, Calm, and Empathy. When a parent offers P-E-A-C-E, they are not fixing the problem; they are connecting with the child. This inter-soothing is the gateway to inner soothing, building the neural pathways that allow a child to develop their own capacity for emotional regulation and resilience.

Narrator: When a child consistently feels safe, seen, and soothed, they develop the fourth and final S: a deep, abiding sense of being Secure. This security is the bedrock of a healthy mind. It creates an internal working model that tells a child they are worthy, that the world is a manageable place, and that they have the resources to handle life’s challenges.

This security manifests as a "secure base," which serves two functions: it is a safe haven to return to in times of distress and a launching pad from which to explore the world. This doesn't make children entitled or weak; it makes them strong. The toddler who clings to his father’s leg at the playground but then ventures out, returning periodically for reassurance, is building confidence precisely because he knows his secure base is there.

The authors provide a powerful example with Jamal and his twelve-year-old son, Clay. When Clay wants to see an R-rated movie with his friends, Jamal says no. Clay is furious, but Jamal doesn't get drawn into a power struggle. He keeps Clay safe by upholding the boundary. He sees Clay’s anger and disappointment, validating his feelings. He soothes him with a calm and empathetic presence. In the end, Clay feels secure—not because he got his way, but because he knew his father was in charge, had his best interests at heart, and loved him even in the midst of conflict. This is the essence of showing up.

Narrator: The most powerful message from The Power of Showing Up is a liberating one: parenting is not about perfection. It is about presence. Parents will inevitably make mistakes, say the wrong thing, or lose their cool. But secure attachment is not built on a flawless record. It is built on the pattern of showing up and, crucially, on repairing the relationship after a rupture. Making things right with a child after a conflict is one of the most potent ways to build trust and security.

Ultimately, the book’s greatest challenge is for parents to apply the Four S’s to themselves. Many caregivers are experts at making others feel safe, seen, and soothed, yet neglect their own inner world. By reflecting on our own histories and making sense of our stories, we can offer ourselves the same compassion we give our children. In doing so, we not only become the parent we want to be, but we also give our children the greatest gift of all: the freedom and security to show up for life itself.