Olivia: Alright Jackson, what do you really know about the first year of fatherhood, besides the obvious sleep deprivation and diaper chaos? Jackson: Honestly? My main reference point is that scene in a movie where the dad, in a panic, tries to use duct tape on a diaper. So, I'm guessing my knowledge base is... flawed. Olivia: Flawed, but probably not that uncommon! And that's exactly the kind of stereotype our book today is determined to dismantle. We're diving into The New Father: A Dad's Guide to the First Year by Armin A. Brott. Jackson: The New Father. Okay, I'm ready for some guidance. Olivia: And what's fascinating about Brott is that he's not your typical parenting guru. He's a former U.S. Marine. Time magazine even called him the "superdad's superdad," which tells you his approach is probably more about strategy and practice than just warm, fuzzy feelings. Jackson: Hold on, a Marine wrote one of the most popular guides for new dads? That right there already shatters a few stereotypes for me. It’s not what I was expecting at all.

Olivia: Exactly! And that's the book's first big mission: to dismantle the myth that women are just 'naturally' better parents. Brott kicks things off with this foundational idea that parenting isn't an instinct you're born with; it's a skill you learn. He quotes another author, Michael Levine, with a line I just love: "Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." Jackson: I like that. It takes the pressure off. You don't have to be a virtuoso on day one; you just have to be willing to practice the scales. But come on, are we saying there are no differences between how moms and dads parent? Olivia: Oh, there are definitely differences, but the book argues they are both equally valuable. Brott tells this great story that paints a perfect picture. He calls it "Dads as Human Jungle Gyms." The observation is that fathers tend to engage in more rough-and-tumble, physical play. They toss the baby in the air, they encourage exploration and independence. Jackson: The fun parent. Got it. Olivia: Right. Meanwhile, mothers, in this general observation, tend to be more nurturing, more cautious, and provide more direct assistance. If a baby is reaching for a toy, the mother might move the toy closer. The father, on the other hand, is more likely to wait and see if the baby can figure out how to get it on their own. Jackson: So one is encouraging problem-solving, the other is providing immediate comfort. And the book's point is that a kid needs both? Olivia: Precisely. The child benefits from both the adventurous push from the dad and the supportive safety net from the mom. But the key is that neither of these styles is inherently gendered. Brott cites a ton of research, like the work of pioneer Ross Parke, who found that when fathers are given the opportunity, they are just as caring, interested, and involved as mothers. They hold, touch, kiss, and coo just as much. The difference isn't capability; it's opportunity. Jackson: That makes a lot of sense. Society basically gives moms a 9-month head start and then a lifetime of social reinforcement, while dads are often told to stand on the sidelines. So it's less about a 'maternal instinct' and more about a 'maternal head start.' Olivia: A head start and a whole lot of societal permission. The book argues that for decades, parenting resources were almost exclusively aimed at women, which left fathers feeling like they were, at best, the B-team. Brott's work was revolutionary because it was one of the first mainstream guides written for dads, by a dad, that took their experience seriously. Jackson: And from a Marine, no less. It’s like he’s saying, ‘If I can learn to do this, anyone can.’ It’s about discipline and practice, not some magical, innate quality. Olivia: That’s the core message. It's about showing up, paying attention, and practicing. The skills will follow.

Jackson: Alright, so if it's a learned skill, what does the 'training' actually look like? What's happening inside a new dad's head while he's trying to figure out which end of the diaper is up? Olivia: That's the perfect question, because it leads to the second major theme of the book: what I'd call the 'Dad's Dual Journey.' While you're learning about this tiny new human—their sleep cycles, their weird reflexes, their feeding needs—you are simultaneously on this wild, internal journey of your own. Your identity is being completely rewired. Jackson: A dual journey. I like that framing. It’s not just about the baby’s development, but the dad’s too. Olivia: Exactly. The book is structured month-by-month, so it tracks the baby's milestones—physical, intellectual, emotional. But woven into each chapter is a section on what the father is feeling. Brott talks about this phenomenon called "engrossment," a term coined by researcher Dr. Martin Greenberg. It’s this profound sense of absorption, preoccupation, and intense interest a father feels for his newborn. Jackson: Engrossment. It sounds all-consuming. Is that the same as that 'instant bond' we always hear about? Olivia: It can be, but the book is fantastic at normalizing the fact that it often isn't. And this is where the storytelling is so powerful. Brott shares this incredibly vulnerable personal story. When his first two daughters were born, his immediate reaction wasn't just overwhelming love; it was this weirdly clinical need to do a 'full-body inspection.' He counted their limbs and then started searching their faces for features that looked like his—'his' nose, 'his' chin. Jackson: Wow, that's brutally honest. Olivia: It gets better. He writes that his family has a genetic trait of slightly webbed toes. And he was genuinely a little disappointed when he checked his first two daughters' feet and they didn't have them. It wasn't until his youngest daughter was born and he saw the webbing between her toes that he felt this surge of delight and connection. Jackson: That is so specific and so human. I can totally see a guy inspecting for webbed toes just to find something tangible to connect to. The pressure to feel that instant, movie-like love must be immense, and when it doesn't happen, you grasp for anything—a nose, a chin, webbed toes. Olivia: And that's the point. The book gives men permission for that messy, awkward process of bonding. It's not always a lightning bolt. Sometimes it's a slow burn built on small, strange moments. It’s also about navigating the practical side. He shares this other great story about learning the 'Magic Baby Hold' from a friend's father, a specific technique for calming a crying baby that he says worked wonders. It’s this combination of the emotional and the practical that makes the guide so effective. Jackson: So you're learning these practical life-hacks, like the Magic Baby Hold, while also dealing with these huge existential questions about connection and identity. And what about your partner? Is she just in the background while the dad is having his webbed-toe epiphany? Olivia: Not at all. That's another strength of the book. Every chapter also details what the mother is going through—the physical recovery from childbirth, the emotional rollercoaster of postpartum hormones, the potential for postpartum depression. Brott is very clear that you can't understand the father's journey without understanding the mother's. It's a guide for the entire family system, viewed through the father's eyes. Jackson: That feels crucial. Because a new dad isn't just dealing with a baby; he's dealing with a partner who has just gone through a massive physical and emotional event. It’s a package deal. Olivia: A complete system reboot for everyone involved.

Olivia: And this journey isn't happening in a vacuum. Once you start feeling like a dad, and you’ve maybe mastered the Magic Baby Hold, you have to actually be a dad out in the world. And that's where the real friction starts. Jackson: The moment the theory hits the road. Olivia: Exactly. The third major theme of the book is about navigating the real-world challenges of modern fatherhood. Brott was writing about this in the late 90s, but it's just as relevant today. He presents data showing that a huge majority of working dads—around 70%—experience significant work-family conflict. Jackson: I believe that. A lot of companies talk a big game about paternity leave and family-friendly policies, but there's often this unspoken fear that if you actually take the time, if you're the dad who leaves at 5 PM sharp for daycare pickup, it's going to hurt your career. Olivia: That's the exact pressure the book identifies. And it’s not just at work. Brott shares another personal story about taking his daughter to a local park called Totland. He describes it as this place where all the moms and nannies had their own established social groups. They’d chat, share advice, support each other. But the dads? They just kind of hovered on the periphery, isolated. Jackson: Oh, I know that feeling. Being the only dad at the playground can still feel like you've wandered into a secret meeting you weren't invited to. It can be incredibly lonely. Olivia: He writes, "It’s strange being a man in this woman’s place." And that feeling of isolation is a huge barrier. The book was really a pioneering work in what became known as the "fatherhood movement." It gave a voice to these feelings and validated the struggles that so many men were experiencing silently. It argued that for fathers to be truly involved, society needed to change, too. Workplaces needed to be more flexible, and communities needed to be more inclusive of dads. Jackson: So it's not just a self-help book; it's a bit of a social critique. It's saying that individual dads can do all the right things, but they're still pushing against these powerful currents of societal expectation and outdated workplace structures. Olivia: Absolutely. It empowers the individual father while also acknowledging the systemic challenges he faces. It’s about giving him the tools to build a strong bond with his child, but also the awareness to understand the world he’s trying to do it in.

Jackson: You know, as we talk through this, it’s clear this book is so much more than just a 'how-to' guide for babies. It feels more like a manifesto for a new kind of fatherhood—one that's learned, not innate; deeply emotional, not detached; and actively challenges the old, rigid roles. Olivia: That's a perfect way to put it. It’s a manifesto that gives dads both permission and a playbook. Permission to feel all the messy, complicated emotions of this transition, and a playbook for how to navigate it, month by month. The book's ultimate legacy, and why it's still so popular, is that it reframes fatherhood entirely. Jackson: From a passive role to an active one. Olivia: Exactly. Brott's core message is that fatherhood isn't a title you're given the day your child is born; it's a role you grow into through practice, patience, and presence. It really makes you wonder, what other 'natural' roles in our lives are actually just skills we haven't been given the chance to practice? Jackson: That's a deep question to end on. It applies to so much more than just parenting. Olivia: It really does. And on that note, we'd love to hear your stories. What was the moment you first truly felt like a parent? Was it holding your baby for the first time, or was it something mundane, like successfully navigating a grocery store trip without a meltdown? Find us on our socials and share your moment. Jackson: I can't wait to read those. It's in those small, real moments that the real story is told. Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.