Olivia: The 'terrible twos' is a myth. What if I told you that toddlers are not tiny tyrants sent to test our sanity, but misunderstood geniuses? And that our biggest job is simply to get out of their way? Jackson: A myth? Olivia, I have seen the evidence with my own eyes. It involves thrown food and a level of stubbornness that could bend steel. You’re telling me that’s just genius in disguise? Olivia: (Laughs) In a way, yes! It’s all about a radical shift in perspective. And that’s the core idea behind the book we’re diving into today: The Montessori Toddler by Simone Davies. Jackson: Ah, Montessori. I picture beautiful, minimalist rooms with expensive-looking wooden toys and serene, silent children. It feels a little… unattainable for most people. Olivia: That’s a common misconception, and one Davies is quick to dismantle. What’s so compelling about her is that she isn't just a theorist; she's an AMI-trained Montessori teacher who runs her own school in Amsterdam. This book comes from nearly two decades of hands-on, in-the-trenches work with actual toddlers and their parents. It’s no wonder it’s been translated into over 30 languages and is a global bestseller. Jackson: Okay, so she’s seen the spaghetti on the ceiling. That gives her credibility. Olivia: Exactly. And her entire philosophy starts with that one radical idea: we're seeing toddlers all wrong.

Jackson: So what are we getting wrong? Because when my two-year-old nephew is screaming on the floor of the grocery store because he can’t have a third cookie, it feels pretty straightforward. Olivia: Well, Davies would point to a quote from educator Jean Rosenberg that’s central to her book: "Toddlers are not giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time." Jackson: Huh. That… actually lands differently. Olivia: Right? It shifts you from a place of conflict to a place of empathy. Davies argues that so much of what we label as 'bad behavior' is actually a normal, necessary part of their development. They have these intense, biological drives they can't control. Jackson: What kind of drives? Like a drive to find and consume all the crayons in the house? Olivia: (Laughs) Close. First, there’s the drive for autonomy. That period between 18 months and 3 years is when they realize, "Hey, I am a separate person from my parents." And how do they test that? By saying "No!" to everything. It’s not defiance for the sake of it; it's them literally building their sense of self. Jackson: Okay, so when my nephew says 'no' to putting on his shoes, he's not being a tiny dictator, he's... affirming his identity? That still feels like a bit of a stretch. Olivia: It does, until you look at their brain development. Davies points out that their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and rational decision-making—is massively underdeveloped. It won't be fully mature until they're around 25. Jackson: Twenty-five! So we have two more decades of this? Olivia: (Laughs) Not exactly. But Davies says our job is to act as their external prefrontal cortex. We have to be the calm, rational brain for them when they physically can't. This is what led her to Montessori in the first place. She shares this great story about being a new parent in the early 2000s, feeling uneasy with traditional discipline like time-outs. She heard a radio interview criticizing them but offering no alternatives. Jackson: The classic "here's a problem, good luck" approach. Olivia: Exactly. But it pushed her to find a Montessori school. She enrolled in parent-toddler classes and was so transformed by the respectful, child-led environment that she eventually became a teacher, got her AMI training, and founded her own school. She saw firsthand that when you understand the 'why' behind the behavior, your response changes completely. Jackson: So instead of seeing a tantrum as manipulation, you see it as a system overload. A cry for help. Olivia: Precisely. You see a little human who is overwhelmed, whose brain is flooded with emotion, and who needs your help to find calm again. You’re not a disciplinarian in that moment; you're a co-regulator. That single shift changes everything.

Jackson: Alright, I'm sold on the 'why.' I'm ready to see toddlers as misunderstood geniuses. But what about the 'how'? My house is not a Montessori classroom. Do I need to throw out all the plastic toys and take out a second mortgage for beautifully crafted wooden ones? Olivia: Absolutely not. And this is my favorite part of the book. Davies completely debunks the idea that Montessori is an aesthetic you buy. It's a mindset. She uses this beautiful analogy of a parent being like a gardener. Jackson: A gardener? I can barely keep a succulent alive. Olivia: (Laughs) It’s simpler than that. You can't force a seed to grow. You can't yell at it or punish it into becoming a flower. All you can do is provide the right conditions: good soil, the right amount of water, and sunlight. The seed does the rest. For a toddler, the parent is the gardener. Our job is to prepare the environment and then trust the child. Jackson: Okay, I like that. So what is the 'good soil' for a toddler? Olivia: It’s what she calls a "prepared environment," and a key part of that is the 'yes' space. It doesn't have to be your whole house. It can be one corner of the living room. It's a space where everything is safe and accessible for the child. Low shelves with a few activities, a small table and chair they can actually use, a low hook where they can hang their own coat. Jackson: So the environment itself becomes a tool for teaching independence. Olivia: Exactly! It’s not about perfection; it’s about intention. Davies tells a story about a repairman visiting her home who was stunned to see her daughter, who was just under two, walk past him, go to her room, change her own clothes, put the wet ones in the hamper, and then go off to play. Jackson: Wow. Okay, that’s impressive. But this 'freedom' you're talking about... it sounds like a recipe for chaos. Where do the limits come in? Olivia: The limits are a crucial part of the prepared environment. This isn't permissive parenting. Davies is very clear: the goal is to be a calm, confident guide, not a boss, but also not a servant. The limits provide security. Jackson: Can you give me an example of a limit in action? Olivia: There's a fantastic story in the book. She was cycling in Amsterdam with her two kids in a bakfiets—one of those big cargo bikes with a box in the front. The kids started getting irritated and stomping on each other's feet, making it hard for her to concentrate. She asked them to stop. They didn't. Jackson: Here we go. The moment of truth. Olivia: So, she didn't yell or threaten. She calmly pulled the bike over to the side of the road, and said, "It's not safe for me to cycle when you are stomping. Please get out. You can walk until you are ready to sit calmly." Jackson: No way. She made them walk? Olivia: She did. They walked for a bit, calmed down, and then she asked if they were ready to try again. They got back in, and she says they never stomped in the bakfiets again. The limit was clear, the consequence was logical and directly related to the behavior, and it was enforced with kindness and firmness. That’s freedom within limits.

Olivia: And that bakfiets story is a perfect example of putting this into practice when things get messy. It's not about creating a life free of conflict, but about handling it with respect. Jackson: Okay, I love that. It’s so practical. Give me another one. What's a small, tangible thing a parent could try tomorrow morning? Olivia: The "Montessori Coat Flip." It's brilliant. Instead of struggling to get a toddler's arms into a coat, you lay the coat on the floor, open and facing up. The child stands at the top, by the hood. They bend down, put their hands into the sleeves, and then flip the coat over their head. It slides right on. Jackson: That sounds like a magic trick. And the kid gets to do it themselves. It turns a daily battle into a fun game of mastery. Olivia: That's the whole point! It's about finding these little ways to foster independence. It builds their confidence and, as a bonus, makes your life easier. Jackson: Alright, but what about the big, ugly moments? The full-blown supermarket tantrums. The "flipping the lid" moments. How does a Montessori parent handle that? Olivia: Davies is very clear on this: you allow all feelings, but not all behavior. The feeling of anger is valid. The act of hitting is not. When a child is having a tantrum, she references the "flipping the lid" analogy from The Whole-Brain Child. Their emotional, downstairs brain has hijacked their rational, upstairs brain. Logic is useless. Jackson: So you can't reason with them. Olivia: You can't. Your only job in that moment is to be a calm, safe presence. Get down on their level. Acknowledge the feeling: "You are so angry that we can't buy that candy. I see how much you want it. I'm right here with you." You don't give in to the demand, but you validate the emotion. You're the anchor in their emotional storm. Jackson: That requires so much patience. What about other common battlegrounds, like sharing? My niece thinks 'sharing' means she gets the toy and her brother gets the profound life lesson of watching her play with it. Olivia: (Laughs) Davies has a great reframe for this too. The Montessori approach doesn't force sharing. It teaches "taking turns." If a child is engaged in an activity, they are allowed to use it for as long as they are working with it. It respects their concentration. The other child learns to wait. Jackson: So you're teaching patience and respecting deep work. Olivia: Exactly. You can say, "It looks like she is using that now. You can have a turn when she is finished. Let's find something else to do while we wait." It honors both children. It removes the power struggle and teaches them to navigate social situations respectfully, which is a far more valuable skill than just handing over a toy on demand.

Jackson: So, when you strip it all away, it seems the whole philosophy boils down to respecting the toddler as a capable, curious human on their own journey. Our job is to be a calm, supportive guide rather than a manager or a disciplinarian. Olivia: That’s the perfect summary. It's about seeing the child in front of you, not the child you expect or want them to be. And if there's one thing Davies says is the best place to start, it's with simple observation. Jackson: What do you mean? Olivia: She suggests just sitting and watching your toddler for 15 minutes. No phone, no interruptions, no directing their play. Just watch. See what they're interested in, how they solve problems, what they're trying to master. You'll be amazed at the capable little person you see. Jackson: That’s a powerful takeaway. It makes you wonder, how much of our parenting stress comes not from our kids' behavior, but from our own misunderstanding of it? Olivia: I think that’s the question at the heart of this book. And it’s a journey, not a destination. It’s about progress, not perfection. Jackson: A journey that might involve fewer tantrums and more coat flips. I'm in. Olivia: We'd love to hear what you discover. If you try the observation exercise, share one surprising thing you observed about your toddler with the Aibrary community. You’ll find us on all the usual social channels. Jackson: This is Aibrary, signing off. Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.