Mark: The most common advice for breaking a bad habit is to be tough on yourself. Get disciplined. Well, today we’re exploring a radical idea: that inner drill sergeant is precisely why you fail. The real secret to change isn’t grit—it’s kindness. Michelle: Hold on, that sounds a little too… gentle. Are we sure that’s not just a fancy excuse to be lazy? "Oh, I ate the whole cake, but I must be kind to myself about it." It feels like a trap. Mark: It feels like a trap, but it might just be the escape hatch. That's the core premise of the incredible book we're diving into today, The Kindness Method by Shahroo Izadi. Michelle: Izadi, right. I read she's a behavioral change specialist who started her career in addiction treatment—working in some really tough settings like prisons and with major foundations. That’s not a background that screams "gentle." Mark: Exactly. And she developed this method not just from her clinical work, but from her own personal journey of losing over eight stone—that’s more than a hundred pounds—and keeping it off. She realized the powerful, evidence-based tools used for addiction recovery could be applied to the everyday habits we all struggle with. Michelle: Okay, that adds some serious weight to it. So she’s not just theorizing; she’s lived it. Mark: She’s lived it. And her whole argument starts by dismantling this cultural myth that you need to hit some dramatic 'rock bottom' to finally change.

Michelle: I’m glad you brought that up, because the whole 'rock bottom' narrative is so cinematic, but I've always wondered if it's actually true for most people. Mark: Izadi argues it’s not only not true, it’s counterproductive. She says most of us don't have one big rock bottom. We have hundreds of 'mini rock bottoms'—the hangover on a Tuesday, the credit card bill after a shopping spree, the missed deadline. But we get so used to them, we just normalize the pain. We think the solution is to yell at ourselves harder. Michelle: Which just makes you feel worse, so you reach for the very habit that’s supposed to make you feel better, and the cycle continues. I know that feeling. But if you’re not running away from a 'rock bottom,' what are you doing? Mark: You’re moving towards something. Izadi says lasting change isn’t about running away from what you don’t want; it’s about moving towards what you do want. It’s a shift from a mindset of punishment to one of aspiration. And that requires a totally different internal conversation. Michelle: Okay, but how do you hold yourself accountable then? If I mess up my diet, and my response is just, "It's okay, sweetie, you're doing great," I'm going to be eating pizza for breakfast. Where's the line between kindness and just letting yourself off the hook? Mark: That is the million-dollar question, and Izadi has a brilliant answer for it, which is perfectly illustrated by a story from the book's foreword. It’s written by a journalist named Marisa Bate, who was struggling with her relationship with wine. Michelle: A familiar story for many. Mark: Absolutely. Marisa drank most nights to deal with stress and self-doubt. She felt she needed to change but didn't want to quit entirely. So she went to see Shahroo Izadi for a few sessions. And in their first meeting, she expected to be grilled about how many units she was drinking. Michelle: The classic intervention script. "Tell me exactly how many glasses..." Mark: But Shahroo didn't ask about the wine at all. Instead, she asked Marisa about her hopes, her ambitions, her skills, what she was good at. She completely ignored the 'problem' and focused on the person. Michelle: Wow. That’s disarming. What was the point of that? Mark: Marisa eventually realized that the drinking wasn't really about the wine. She had this incredible insight, and I have to quote it. She said, "drinking was like an oxygen mask I’d wear, inhaling gasps of extra confidence to take me through situations or emotions I didn’t believe I was capable of." Michelle: Oh, that gives me chills. It wasn't a drinking problem; it was a self-belief problem. The wine was just a tool. Mark: Precisely. The kindness wasn't about saying, "It's okay to drink." The kindness was in understanding why she was drinking and finding a better way to get that oxygen. For example, Shahroo gave her a simple, kind tool for nights out. Before going out, Marisa would write a letter to her future self, describing all the wonderful things she would do the next morning if she wasn't hungover. Michelle: Like what? Mark: Enjoying a nice coffee, going for a walk, feeling clear-headed. She'd put the letter in her purse and set an alarm for 10 p.m. When it went off, she’d go to the restroom, read the letter, and it would be this kind reminder from herself about the future she wanted. It wasn't a command to stop; it was an invitation to a better tomorrow. Michelle: That’s so much more powerful than a rule. It’s not "You can't have another drink." It's "Remember how good that hangover-free morning feels?" I can see now why some readers felt this book was more for addiction, because that insight is so deep. But it applies to everything—procrastination, overspending, social media addiction. It's never about the thing itself. Mark: Never. It’s about the need the thing is fulfilling. And once you accept that, you can stop being a drill sergeant and start being a detective.

Michelle: Okay, I love the idea of being a detective instead of a critic. It feels more curious and less judgmental. But how do you actually do that? Where do you start looking for clues? Mark: This is where the practical side of The Kindness Method comes in. Izadi gives you a toolkit to investigate your own mind. She calls them 'maps'. Michelle: 'Maps.' What does that actually mean? Are we talking about a mind map with bubbles and arrows, or is it more of a journal? Mark: It’s essentially a structured journaling exercise. The point is to get the swirling, messy thoughts out of your head and onto paper, where you can look at them objectively. It makes the invisible, visible. And she has a whole series of them, but two, in particular, are foundational. Michelle: Lay them on me. Mark: The first is the 'What's the Harm?' map. This is where you list, in excruciating detail, all the negative consequences of your habit. Not just the obvious ones, but the subtle, knock-on effects. Michelle: So for drinking, it’s not just "hangovers." It's "snapping at my kids the next day," "feeling anxious about what I said," "spending money I don't have." Mark: Exactly. You map out the entire ecosystem of harm. But the second map is, I think, the most profound. It's called the 'Why Haven't I Changed Already?' map. Michelle: Ooh, that’s a confronting question. Mark: It is, because it forces you to answer a question we hate to admit: What is the benefit of this bad habit? How is it serving you? Michelle: That's a game-changer. We never want to admit that our bad habits are actually useful. It's so much easier to just tell ourselves, "I have no willpower," or "I'm just lazy." Mark: Because admitting it serves a purpose means admitting we choose it, on some level. Izadi tells a powerful story about a client who was trying to cut down on recreational cocaine use. The typical reasons—it's illegal, it's expensive, it's unhealthy—weren't enough to motivate her. Michelle: Right, because in the moment, those things feel abstract. Mark: Totally. So they did the 'What's the Harm?' map. And the real harm wasn't the drug itself. It was the three days afterwards of crippling anxiety, paranoia, and self-doubt. It was compulsively checking her phone, comparing herself on social media, and feeling this deep self-loathing. Michelle: The emotional hangover. Mark: A brutal one. But then they did the 'Why Haven't I Changed Already?' map. And what was the benefit? The cocaine provided a temporary, guaranteed escape from her thoughts. It was a solution, albeit a terrible one, to the problem of her own mind. Once she saw that laid out—the true harm versus the fleeting benefit—the choice became clearer. She wasn't fighting a drug; she was finding a new, kinder way to manage her anxiety. Michelle: So the maps are like creating your own personal user manual. You're not just following generic advice; you're decoding your own specific operating system. Mark: That's the perfect analogy. You become the world's leading expert on yourself. And once you have that diagnosis, you can finally write a prescription that actually works.

Michelle: Okay, so you’ve done the detective work. You've mapped your inner world, you understand your 'why.' How do you translate that into a plan that doesn't fall apart by Tuesday afternoon? Because that's my specialty—the Tuesday afternoon collapse. Mark: Izadi's approach to planning is just as counter-intuitive as the rest of the method. It’s not about creating a perfect, rigid plan. It’s about creating a plan that expects you to fail. Michelle: A plan for failure? That sounds... pessimistic. Mark: It’s realistic! The goal isn't to never slip up; it's to make the slip-up a minor blip, not a total catastrophe. This is where the 'What Will Test Me?' map comes in. You proactively identify your triggers. You know that a stressful meeting at 4 p.m. is your trigger to order pizza. You know that a fight with your partner is your trigger to go online shopping. You anticipate the high-risk situations before they happen. Michelle: Forewarned is forearmed. Mark: Exactly. And you have a plan for how to handle those moments. And if you do slip up, you treat it with kindness. There’s a fantastic quote from the jazz legend Miles Davis that Izadi uses: "If you hit a wrong note, it’s the next note you play that determines if it’s good or bad." Michelle: I love that. So a lapse isn't a relapse. One wrong note doesn't ruin the whole song. That’s where the kindness comes in again—you don’t berate yourself and smash the piano. You just focus on playing the next note right. Mark: You just play the next note. There’s a great case study in the book about a client who wanted to reduce his drinking. His plan wasn't some vague "I'll drink less." It was incredibly specific and manageable. Michelle: Let's hear it. The specifics are what make it real. Mark: He decided, for a three-week trial period, he would only drink white wine on two nights of the week. He had to decide on Sunday which two nights they would be. He couldn't drink on consecutive nights, and he couldn't drink on Sundays to avoid feeling sluggish on Monday. Michelle: That's very structured, but also flexible. He has autonomy. Mark: Right. And he used the 'What Will Test Me?' map. He saw there was a big cricket match coming up in two weeks, which for him was a huge drinking trigger. Instead of just hoping for the best, he planned for it. He told himself, "I will probably drink more than I want to at the match. That's okay. But the very next day, I will get right back on my plan. I will not let the cricket match derail my entire week." Michelle: So he gave himself permission to be human, but also created a firm plan for getting back on track immediately. He didn't let the one wrong note turn into a symphony of failure. Mark: He played the next note beautifully. And that's the essence of a kind plan. It's not about being perfect. It's about being resilient.

Mark: When you put it all together, it's a really clear, three-step process. First, you fire your inner drill sergeant and hire a curious, kind investigator. You stop punishing and start understanding. Michelle: Second, you use the maps to gather intelligence. You become the expert on your own triggers, your own motivations, and the secret benefits your bad habits are giving you. Mark: And third, you use that intelligence to build a flexible, resilient plan. A plan that expects you to be human, anticipates the wrong notes, and focuses on getting you back on track with compassion, not criticism. Michelle: You know, what's really sticking with me is that this isn't actually a book about 'fixing' bad habits. The habit change is almost a side effect. The real project is building a better, more honest, and kinder relationship with yourself. Mark: That’s it. You’re not fixing a flaw; you’re nurturing a strength. The goal is to get to a place where you trust yourself. Michelle: And that feels so much more sustainable than just relying on willpower, which we all know is a finite resource. This is about building a system for yourself that works in the real world. Mark: And for anyone listening who wants to try a small, practical first step today, Izadi mentions a simple exercise called the 'Paperclip Challenge.' It's brilliant. Michelle: Okay, I’m intrigued. Mark: You start the day with, say, ten paperclips in your left pocket. Every single time you catch yourself having a negative, cruel thought about yourself—"You're so lazy," "You always mess this up"—you move one paperclip to your right pocket. Michelle: Oh no. I think I'd need a whole box of paperclips. Mark: Most people do at first! But at the end of the day, you empty your pockets and you have this tangible, physical evidence of how often your inner bully is speaking. Just the awareness from that simple act is often enough to start changing the conversation. Michelle: That’s a powerful, kind experiment. We’d actually love to hear what your inner bully says. What are some of the ridiculous, untrue things it tells you? Find us on our socials and share them—let's bring them into the light. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.