Olivia: Most parenting advice is built on a single, fundamental lie: that children misbehave on purpose. Jackson: Whoa, starting with a fight today, are we? What’s the lie? Olivia: The lie is that it’s a choice. That a child chooses to have a screaming, kicking meltdown. Today, we’re exploring a book that argues the complete opposite. What if the most explosive kids aren't choosing to be difficult, but literally can't do better? Jackson: Okay, that’s a massive claim. It feels like it lets kids off the hook for everything. Olivia: It feels that way at first, but it’s the radical premise of The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross W. Greene. Jackson: Dr. Greene... he's a pretty big name, right? I feel like I've heard that name. Olivia: Huge. He was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over two decades. This book basically launched a movement, shifting the focus from punishment to a model he calls Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. It's been both highly acclaimed and, for some, quite controversial. Jackson: I can see why. The idea that a kid isn't responsible for their own tantrum is a tough pill to swallow for a lot of people. Olivia: It is. But to really get it, you have to feel what these families go through. The book opens with this story that just sticks with you... the Waffle Episode.

Jackson: The Waffle Episode? Sounds harmless enough. Olivia: You would think. It’s morning. An eleven-year-old girl named Jennifer is in the kitchen. She’s very particular, very rigid. She’s counted the frozen waffles. There are six. Her plan is to have three today, and save three for tomorrow. It’s a perfect, orderly plan. Jackson: I can relate to that level of breakfast planning, honestly. Olivia: Then her mom and her five-year-old brother, Adam, come into the kitchen. Adam, being a five-year-old, says, "I want waffles!" The mom, not thinking anything of it, opens the freezer to get him some. And Jennifer just… detonates. Jackson: Over waffles. Olivia: Over the disruption of her plan. She starts screaming that Adam can't have them, that they're hers for tomorrow. The mom tries to reason with her, saying, "Honey, we can just buy more waffles." But Jennifer is past reason. She shoves her mother, grabs the box of waffles, slams the freezer door so hard it bounces back open, knocks over a chair, and storms off to her room, leaving her mother and little brother crying in the kitchen. Jackson: Wow. That is… a lot. That's a level of intensity that feels completely out of proportion. Olivia: Exactly. And Dr. Greene’s first big point is that this isn't about waffles. It's about a child with profound inflexibility and extremely poor frustration tolerance. When their plan is disrupted, their brain can't pivot. It just short-circuits. Jennifer’s mother says something in the book that is just heartbreaking. She says, "Most people can’t imagine how humiliating it is to be scared of your own daughter." Jackson: That’s heavy. And it highlights the core problem. My first instinct, and I think a lot of parents' instinct, would be to march into that room and lay down the law. "You do not push your mother. You are grounded. No waffles for a month!" Olivia: Right. That's what Dr. Greene calls Plan A: imposing the adult's will. It's our default setting for discipline. Jackson: And you’re telling me that’s the wrong move? Olivia: For a child like Jennifer, it's like pouring gasoline on a fire. Dr. Greene uses a great comparison. He describes three kids: Hubert, Jermaine, and Jennifer. Their mom asks them to stop watching TV and set the table. Hubert just does it. No problem. Jermaine complains a bit, but a mild threat of a time-out gets him moving. Jackson: Okay, that sounds like 99% of kids. Olivia: Then there's Jennifer. When her mom asks her to set the table, she explodes. The request to shift gears, to move from her agenda to her mom's, is a demand her brain can't meet in that moment. So Plan A—punishments, consequences, raising your voice—doesn't teach her the skill of shifting gears. It just adds more frustration to a brain that's already overloaded. Jackson: So the very tool we think is for discipline actually makes the behavior worse in these kids. Olivia: Precisely. The parents are left feeling helpless, because everything in the standard parenting toolbox fails. They get told they're not being firm enough, or they're being too permissive. Jennifer's mom says, "People who don’t have a child like Jennifer don’t have a clue... This is a nightmare." She feels totally alone. Jackson: That feeling of isolation must be crushing. You feel like you've failed as a parent, and the whole world is judging you for something you can't control. Olivia: And you start to dislike your own child, which is a terrible thing for a parent to admit. There's this quote where the mom says she's ashamed to say it, but a lot of the time she really doesn't like her daughter or what she's doing to their family. They're in a perpetual state of crisis. Jackson: Okay, so if Plan A, the classic 'because I said so,' is out, what's left? Just giving in? Letting her have all the waffles and run the house? That feels like the only other option.

Olivia: That's the million-dollar question, and it brings us to Dr. Greene's core philosophy, which is so simple but so profound: "Children do well if they can." Jackson: Hold on, say that again. Olivia: Children do well if they can. Not "if they want to." If they can. If Jennifer could handle her brother wanting waffles without exploding, she would. The explosion isn't a choice; it's the result of a skill deficit. Jackson: A skill deficit. Like not being able to read or hit a baseball? Olivia: Exactly his analogy! We don't punish a kid for not being able to read. We teach them. We get them a tutor. We don't yell at a kid for striking out in baseball. We get them a batting coach. Dr. Greene argues that flexibility, problem-solving, and frustration tolerance are skills just like any other. And these kids are delayed in developing them. Jackson: That... completely reframes the problem. It’s not a moral failing; it’s a developmental one. Olivia: It changes everything. Suddenly, you're not a warden trying to control an inmate. You're a coach trying to build a skill. And this is where he introduces his alternative to Plan A. It’s not Plan C, which is dropping the expectation entirely—basically, surrender. It’s Plan B. Jackson: The peace treaty negotiation. Olivia: (laughing) I like that. He calls it Collaborative Problem Solving. It's a structured conversation with three steps. And it’s not something you do during the explosion. It’s proactive. You do it when things are calm. Jackson: Okay, so what does this look like in practice? Let's say the unsolved problem is homework. Kid melts down every night over homework. How does a parent use Plan B? Olivia: Let's use a story from the book. A girl named Helen wants to do her homework, but not at the kitchen table. She wants to do it sitting on top of a heating register on the floor. Jackson: That's oddly specific. And a parent's first reaction is, "No, that's ridiculous. Sit at the table." Olivia: Which is exactly what her dad does at first. Classic Plan A. Helen starts to get agitated. But then, the dad catches himself. He decides to try Plan B. Step one is the Empathy step. He just says, "I notice you want to sit on the register. What's up?" He's not agreeing, he's just gathering information. Jackson: He's being a detective, not a judge. Olivia: A perfect way to put it. Helen, now that she's not being attacked, can actually answer. She says, "I'm cold." The kitchen table is drafty. The register is warm. Her behavior wasn't about defiance; it was about solving a problem—being cold. Jackson: Ah, so the behavior is a signal. It's a clumsy solution to an unspoken problem. Olivia: Exactly. Now for step two of Plan B: Define the Problem. This is where the adult puts their concern on the table. The dad says, "I get it, you're cold. The thing is, when you sit there, your papers get scattered all over the floor, and I'm worried they'll get lost or stepped on." Jackson: Okay, so it’s not "my way or the highway." It's "here's my problem, here's your problem." Now they're both on the same team, looking at the problem together. Olivia: You got it. Which leads to step three: the Invitation. The dad then says, "I wonder if there's a way we can solve this. A way for you to be warm while you do your homework, and for me to not worry about your papers getting messed up." He invites her to brainstorm a solution with him. Jackson: And what do they come up with? Olivia: They brainstorm a few ideas. Maybe a space heater? Maybe she wears a sweater? In the end, they agree to just turn up the thermostat for the whole house a little bit during homework time. Helen is warm. The papers are safe on the table. Problem solved. No explosion. Jackson: And more importantly, she participated in solving her own problem. She learned a tiny bit of that problem-solving skill she was missing. Olivia: That's the whole point. Plan B isn't about getting the kid to comply. It's about solving the problem collaboratively and teaching the lagging skills of flexibility, problem-solving, and seeing another person's perspective. It takes practice, and Dr. Greene is clear that it's not a magic wand, but it fundamentally changes the dynamic.

Jackson: So this whole thing isn't really about discipline in the traditional sense. It's about becoming a... a problem-solving partner with your kid, instead of their enforcer. Olivia: Exactly. And it's about seeing the behavior as communication. The explosion isn't the problem; it's a clumsy, desperate signal that there's an unsolved problem. The real work is finding and solving that problem together, proactively, before the explosion ever has a chance to happen. Jackson: It's a huge mental shift. To stop asking "How do I make this behavior stop?" and start asking "What problem is this behavior trying to solve?" Olivia: And that's the power of "Children do well if they can." It forces you to look for the obstacle. Is it a language processing issue? An executive function deficit? A social skill gap? Dr. Greene calls these the "pathways" that lead to explosions. Once you know the pathway and the trigger, the behavior is no longer random and terrifying. It's predictable. And if it's predictable, it's solvable. Jackson: It makes you wonder, how many 'problems' in our own lives, at work or in relationships, are just explosions waiting to happen because we're all stuck in Plan A with each other? Olivia: That's a powerful thought. This approach really does extend beyond just parenting. It’s a model for human interaction. Jackson: It really is. It’s about choosing collaboration over conflict, which is a lesson we could all use. Olivia: We'd love to hear what our listeners think. Does this change how you see challenging behavior, in kids or even adults? Let us know. We love hearing from the Aibrary community. Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.