Narrator: What if a friend, paralyzed by anxiety, has shut himself away from the world for years? The conventional view suggests he is a victim of his past—perhaps bullying or a difficult childhood. We see him as broken, his present unhappiness an unavoidable consequence of past trauma. But what if that’s not the whole story? What if, instead of being pushed by his past, he is actively choosing his anxiety to achieve a goal? A goal like avoiding the potential pain and failure of social interaction. This radical reframing of human psychology is at the heart of the international bestseller, The Courage to Be Disliked. Authored by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, the book presents a powerful dialogue that unpacks the life-changing principles of Adlerian psychology, arguing that freedom and happiness are not things to be found, but choices to be made.

Narrator: The book’s first and most jarring argument is a direct challenge to Freudian psychology. While Freud focused on etiology—the idea that our present problems are caused by past trauma—Alfred Adler championed teleology, the belief that our behavior is driven by our present goals. In Adlerian psychology, trauma does not exist as a determining force. As the philosopher in the book states, "No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure." Instead, we are self-determining beings who assign meaning to our past experiences to suit our present purposes.

This is illustrated through the story of the reclusive friend. The youth in the book believes his friend is unable to leave his room because of past trauma. The philosopher offers a different explanation: the friend doesn't want to go out, and so he creates the feelings of anxiety and fear to justify his goal of staying inside. This goal, however subconscious, might be to avoid the challenges of work, to punish his parents, or to shield himself from the possibility of being hurt in relationships. From a teleological perspective, his anxiety is not a symptom of a past cause, but a tool used to achieve a present goal. This shifts the focus from "what has happened to me?" to "what am I trying to achieve right now?" and opens the door to the possibility of change.

Narrator: Adler makes the bold claim that "all problems are interpersonal relationship problems." This doesn't mean relationships are bad, but that our feelings of inferiority, anxiety, and unhappiness only arise within a social context. If a person were the only being in the universe, concepts like loneliness, envy, and shame would vanish. We feel inferior because we compare ourselves to others. We feel lonely because we feel excluded from a community.

The book shares the story of a female student who came to the philosopher for counseling because of her debilitating fear of blushing. She was in love with a man but couldn't confess her feelings because she was terrified she would turn red. She believed that if she could just cure her blushing, she could finally be happy. The philosopher, however, saw it differently. He explained that she needed the fear of blushing. It served as the perfect excuse to avoid confessing her feelings and facing the potential pain of rejection. By holding onto this "flaw," she could live in a world of "if onlys"—"if only I didn't blush, I could be with him." This allowed her to avoid the interpersonal risk of being disliked or turned down, perfectly demonstrating how we invent problems to escape the challenges of our relationships.

Narrator: If all problems are interpersonal, how does one find freedom? The answer lies in a practical concept called the "separation of tasks." This involves asking a simple question: "Whose task is this?" The principle is to focus only on your own tasks and not to interfere in the tasks of others, nor let them interfere in yours.

A powerful example is that of a child who refuses to study. A parent might feel it is their duty to force the child to do their homework, perhaps by nagging, punishing, or offering rewards. But Adlerian psychology asks, whose task is studying? The consequences of not studying—poor grades, limited opportunities—ultimately fall on the child. Therefore, studying is the child's task. The parent's task is not to force them, but to offer support and build a relationship of trust so the child feels they can ask for help when they are ready. When a parent intrudes on the child's task, it often leads to rebellion and resentment, because the child senses the parent is trying to satisfy their own needs, such as social appearance or control. By separating tasks, we respect others' autonomy and free ourselves from the burden of trying to control outcomes that are not ours to manage.

Narrator: Following the logic of separating tasks leads to the book's most profound and liberating conclusion. If you stop trying to live up to others' expectations, and they are not living to satisfy yours, you are free to live according to your own principles. The proof that you are exercising this freedom is that some people will not like you. The philosopher states it plainly: "Freedom is being disliked by other people."

This doesn't mean one should actively try to be disliked. Rather, it means one should not be afraid of it. The desire for recognition from everyone forces us into a life of compromise, where we are constantly adjusting our behavior to please others. This is an unfree life. The person who is liked by everyone is likely living everyone's life but their own. The courage to be disliked is the courage to be authentic, to follow your own path without seeking approval. It is the price of true freedom and the mark of a life lived in accordance with one's own values.

Narrator: If we are not seeking recognition, what is the purpose of life? Adler's answer is "community feeling." This is the sense that we have a place in the world and are connected to others as comrades, not competitors. This feeling is achieved not by being served, but by serving; not by being recognized, but by contributing. Happiness, therefore, is the feeling of contribution.

This feeling is entirely subjective. It doesn't matter if your contribution is recognized by others. What matters is that you have a sense that "I am of use to someone." This could be through work, family, or friendships. The book tells a simple story of a wife doing dishes while her family watches TV. She could feel resentful and taken for granted. Or, she could reframe the task. By washing the dishes with a song on her lips, she is contributing to a pleasant home environment. She feels useful, and that feeling of contribution is, in itself, happiness. This shifts the focus from external validation to an internal sense of worth derived from helping others, creating a foundation for lasting fulfillment.

Narrator: Many people live life as if it were a linear journey to a destination. They endure their current struggles in college for the sake of a future job, or they toil at a job they hate for the sake of a future retirement. In this model, life is always a means to an end, and the present moment is never enough. Adlerian psychology rejects this. It proposes that life is not a line, but a series of moments. It should be lived like a dance.

In a dance, the goal is not to get to a specific spot on the floor; the goal is the dancing itself. Every step, every turn is fulfilling in the moment. Life, too, should be lived earnestly in the "here and now." The past does not exist, and the future is unknowable. All we have is this moment. If you are living each moment to its fullest, your life is always complete. There is no need to plan for a distant peak, because you are already dancing on the summit. This energetic view of life frees us from the anxiety of the future and the regrets of the past, allowing us to find meaning and joy in the only time we can ever truly live: right now.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from The Courage to Be Disliked is that happiness is a discipline and a choice, rooted in courage. It is the courage to reject the tyranny of the past, to stop seeking the approval of others, and to accept that you are solely responsible for the meaning of your own life. The book argues that we are not fragile beings broken by our circumstances, but powerful creators of our own reality.

Its most challenging idea is the complete dismissal of trauma as a life sentence, which asks us to take radical responsibility for our own unhappiness. It leaves the reader with a piercing question: What goals are your current feelings and behaviors serving? And if you don't like the answer, do you have the courage to choose new ones, right here and now, without regard for who might dislike you for it?