Alex: Hey everyone, welcome back to the show! Michelle, tell me, when was the last time you genuinely connected with someone new? I mean, beyond just exchanging names and LinkedIn profiles. Michelle: Hmm, that's a good question. Are we talking real, “I'm actually interested in what you do” connections, or the the polite-nod-forget-your-name-later interactions that, if I'm honest, make up most of my networking attempts? Because… yeah, those are way too common. Alex: Exactly! And that's the heart of the matter. Making authentic connections isn't always easy, and so often we treat networking like a chore instead of a real opportunity, you know? Michelle: I hear you. So, what's the secret to being one of those people who just... radiates connection, who can build these “really” strong relationships without seeming fake or like they're trying too hard? Alex: I'm so glad you asked. That’s precisely what Michelle Tillis Lederman explores in her book, The 11 Laws of Likability. It totally reframes how we think about networking. It's not about collecting business cards, it's about creating mutually beneficial relationships built on authenticity, curiosity, and generosity. Michelle: Okay, I'm intrigued. But let's be clear – are we talking about "I want everyone to love me" likability, or something a bit more substantial? Alex: Definitely more substantial. Lederman stresses that likability isn’t a popularity contest, it’s more about building trust and fostering authenticity in your interactions. The book lays out 11 principles – think of them as a roadmap for approaching relationships. Michelle: Got it, a roadmap. So today, we're diving into the ins and outs of this likability roadmap. Alex: Exactly! We're starting with the foundation of likability – being authentic – because every real connection starts with showing up as yourself. From there, we can branch out to key communications tools, like the energy and the listening skills that can transform an ordinary interaction into something memorable. Michelle: And after mastering those initial connections, we’ll explore how to turn them into lasting partnerships – which requires patience, generosity, and trust, right? If likability was a garden, it's about planting the seed, nurturing it, and watching it grow. Alex: I love that metaphor, Michelle! So, whether you're looking to deepen your existing relationships or just learn how to make a solid first impression, this episode is packed with actionable strategies you can use right away. Michelle: Alright, I'm ready. So, where do we begin on this journey to likability?

Alex: Okay, let's dive right in with authenticity and self-image. I think these are really the bedrock of likability, right? The foundation for trust and building real connections. Without them, everything else, well, it just feels kinda...hollow. Michelle: I hear you. Strong start. But "authenticity" is like, the word of the decade, isn't it? Super trendy. So, when we say "be authentic," what are we actually talking about? Alex: That's a great point. Authenticity is about showing up as you, the real you – no masks, no pretending. It's about lining up what you do and say with what you truly believe and value. When we're authentic, not only are we more relatable, but it almost like invites others to drop their guard too. It just makes space for trust and honesty. Michelle: Sounds good in theory, but let's be honest, Alex, just "being authentic" isn't always easy. People worry about being judged, about the consequences... or just plain feeling awkward. Take networking, for example – how many of us feel like we have to put on a show, to be this perfect version of ourselves that we think people expect? Alex: Totally! That's exactly what Samuel struggled with in the book. Remember his story? He was that mid-level manager at the museum in New York and he absolutely hated networking events. Michelle: Right, he felt like he had to be Mr. Ultra-Professional, all polished and perfect. Let me guess – practiced elevator pitches and a forced smile, right? Alex: Pretty much! He thought being professional meant being perfect, and so his conversations felt super stiff and transactional. It totally drained him, and, well, unsurprisingly, he wasn't building any real connections. But then he shifted gears – he started showing his real passion for the museum's mission. Instead of performing. Michelle: And let me guess... someone actually cared about his passion? Alex: Exactly! His excitement for the museum and what it stood for was contagious. He wasn't just another buttoned-up manager trying to schmooze; he was someone people genuinely wanted to talk to because his authenticity just drew them in. Suddenly, building relationships didn't feel like such a chore. Michelle: Okay, fair enough. Passion and honesty resonate, that makes sense. But what about those of us who don't have some amazing "mission" to share? What if someone thinks their unfiltered self is, well, kind of boring? Alex: That's where a little self-reflection comes in. If you're not really connected to your true self – what gets you fired up, what you care about – then, yeah, it's gonna be tough to be authentic in your relationships. A good place to start is figuring out your core values, your beliefs, your passions. Once you really understand those and own them, you'll naturally start expressing yourself more genuinely. Michelle: Hmm. So, step one is basically staring into the abyss of your own soul? Sounds a bit much. Alex: <Laughs> Maybe think of it as aligning who you are on the inside with how you act on the outside. And besides self-reflection, you can also practice being present – rather than stressing over what you're going to say to “impress” someone, focus on really listening and showing genuine curiosity. Michelle: Alright, I'll give you that. But let me throw a curveball here – where's the line between being authentic and, like, totally oversharing? You want to be real, but you don't want to, you know, suddenly unload your entire life story on someone you just met at a conference. Alex: Totally valid! Being authentic doesn't mean you throw boundaries out the window. It's about showing enough of yourself to build trust without making people uncomfortable. Think of it as peeling back the layers little by little, especially at work or in a professional setting. You can be genuine without oversharing. Michelle: Okay, noted – no tearful confessions in the opening line. But let's switch gears. Authenticity is one piece of the puzzle, but you brought up self-image earlier. How do these two ideas fit together? Alex: They're super connected. Self-image – how we see our own skills, qualities, worth – it impacts how we show up, right? If you're battling self-doubt or constantly putting yourself down, it's going to mess with your confidence and make it way harder to be authentic. Michelle: Got it. So, bad self-image = bad vibes, which equals strained connections. Makes sense. You got a story for that? Alex: Absolutely – Sandy's story. She was a mom going back to work after being out of the game for 20 years, and her self-confidence had really taken a nosedive. She felt like she was outdated, irrelevant, and just not able to compete with the younger folks. Michelle: Yeah, that's not exactly the mindset you want heading into a job interview. Alex: Exactly. Her lack of confidence was clear as day – slumped shoulders, avoiding eye contact, talking hesitantly. But once she started reframing her experiences, everything changed. She realized that the skills she'd honed managing a household and leading PTA stuff – organization, leadership, being adaptable – those were seriously valuable, even at work. Michelle: So, she stopped beating herself up and started seeing herself as an asset. Alex: Bang on. That shift in how she saw herself was transformative. Sandy's body language opened up; she spoke with conviction during those interviews, and that confidence was infectious. Her positive self-image not only made her feel more capable but also made other people see her that way. Michelle: Alright, so let me see if I've got this straight. First, you figure out who you are and embrace it – that's authenticity. Then, you get your self-talk in check so that the world sees the best version of you – that's self-image. Together, these two create the foundation for how others respond to you. Alex: Perfectly said, Michelle! And the cool thing is, these two qualities feed into each other. When you show up authentically, you get validation from others, and that boosts your self-image. As your self-image improves, you find it easier to be authentic. It's a positive cycle. Michelle: Alright, I'll give it to you – that's a pretty powerful combination. And I like that it's not about tricks or, you know, "fake it till you make it" nonsense. It's just about being yourself and actually liking who that is. Alex: Yes! By focusing on both authenticity and self-image, we lay the foundation for real, meaningful relationships built on trust.

Alex: So, moving beyond simply being authentic, we need to consider how we present ourselves in social situations. That brings us to communication and energy management, which act as a bridge between who we are inside and how others see us. Michelle: Okay, so we’re talking about showcasing our true selves, but without, you know, completely alienating everyone. Alex: Exactly! We’re talking about using tools like active listening, mirroring, and managing our energy to connect with people effectively. These skills allow us to bring our authentic selves into our interactions, make a real impact, and leave a positive, lasting impression. Michelle: Right, I’m intrigued. Let’s start with active listening. It's one of those things people think they're great at—until you actually ask them to explain what it means. Alex: Exactly! Active listening, as Michelle Tillis Lederman points out, isn't just about hearing the words. It's about really engaging with the speaker—with their thoughts, their emotions, even their body language. She breaks it down into three levels: inward, outward, and intuitive listening. Michelle: Hold on a second. “Inward listening” kind of sounds like me getting lost in my own thoughts mid-conversation. Alex: Well, you're not entirely wrong. Inward listening involves filtering what you hear through your own experiences and emotions. It helps us relate to others. For example, someone mentions traveling, and we immediately think of our favorite places. Michelle: But isn't that just, you know, taking over the conversation? Like that person who always turns every story back to themselves? Alex: That's where the balance comes in. Inward listening can create a connection if used right, but if you overdo it, you come across as self-centered. Imagine someone at a conference sharing a cool new app they developed, and another person interrupts with "Oh, I built something like that, but it's way better!" It shuts down the conversation instead of adding to it. Michelle: I get it. Inward listening can help find common ground, but if you're not careful, you'll just end up looking like a conversation hog. Alex: Precisely. With outward listening, you shift the focus entirely to the speaker. You set aside your own reactions and respond with empathy and curiosity. Asking questions like, "What led you to that decision?" or "How are you feeling about that?" show that you're genuinely interested. Michelle: Okay, so that sounds like what good therapists do—making you feel heard and encouraging you to share more. But let me guess, there's still another level? Alex: Yes! Intuitive listening takes it a step further. It involves tuning into the unspoken messages, things like tone of voice, body language, or pauses. It's about reading between the lines to understand the deeper emotions. Michelle: Give me an example. I'm picturing some mind-reader scene from a spy movie. Alex: Think of this instead: imagine Naomi is in a coaching session, and she hesitates when answering questions about starting a family. Even though she says she's undecided, her tense posture and uneasy tone tell a different story. Her coach picks up on this and says, "It seems like you've already made a decision in your heart, but maybe you're afraid to say it out loud." That resonates with Naomi and helps her face feelings she wasn't ready to deal with. Michelle: Wow, that's a whole new level of connection. It’s like you’re not just hearing the words, but you’re really understanding the person. Alex: Exactly. Each level deepens the connection. By actively engaging, we not only make the other person feel valued, but we also elevate the entire conversation. Michelle: But here’s my question - where does listening end and mirroring begin? Because I assume they're connected. Alex: Great question. Mirroring is about subtly reflecting someone else’s body language, tone, or speech patterns to build rapport. It creates a sense of alignment and mutual understanding. Michelle: Okay, so if someone’s slouching and whispering, I do the same? Doesn’t that just make two super awkward people in a room? Alex: That’s why it needs to be subtle and situational. If someone leans in with excitement during a brainstorming session, leaning in too shows you’re equally engaged. Or if they’re animated, matching their tone—without exaggerating—creates synergy. The idea is to align yourself with their energy in a way that feels organic. Michelle: And I’m guessing if I overdo it, I’ll start looking like a poorly programmed robot. Alex: Exactly. Authenticity is key. People can spot insincerity, so mirroring works best when it’s natural and unforced. Michelle: Alright, I see the logic. But now let's add in this whole “energy management” thing. What does emotional energy have to do with likability? Alex: Everything! Emotional energy “really” sets the mood for an interaction. Think of Rick, the counseling director who initially approached a struggling student with frustration. His negativity only strained their dynamic. When Rick shifted to a more encouraging tone, it completely transformed their relationship. Michelle: Oh, come on. Are you telling me energy can fix everything? What if someone throws bad vibes at you—how do you not absorb that? Alex: It’s not about ignoring their feelings, but about steering the energy. Techniques like recognizing your own emotional state before a conversation, or consciously responding with calm and positivity instead of reacting to negativity can make a big difference. For example, if a colleague comes in frustrated, acknowledging their feelings—without matching their mood—can ease the tension and shift the interaction’s tone. Michelle: So, you’re saying that instead of matching their anger, I redirect things by keeping my energy grounded? Alex: Precisely. And this isn’t just about solving conflicts. Energy management also includes creating positive "mood memories"—simple actions like ending conversations on an upbeat note can make others associate you with warmth and optimism. Michelle: Alright, that's practical. But let’s be real—how does all this come together? Are we supposed to juggle listening, mirroring, and calibrating our energy all at once? Alex: It’s not as overwhelming as it sounds because these practices are interrelated. By actively listening, you naturally engage on a deeper level. Through mirroring, you reinforce that connection. And with energy management, you ensure the interaction feels uplifting. Together, they create a seamless, memorable interaction where authenticity flows naturally into likability. Michelle: Alright, Alex, I admit it—these techniques definitely elevate the game. Looks like the key takeaway here is to combine intention with connection to turn casual encounters into something more meaningful. Alex: That’s exactly it, Michelle. With these tools, every interaction becomes an opportunity to leave a positive impression and build lasting relationships.

Alex: So, with those essential interpersonal skills in place, the focus shifts to keeping relationships strong over time. It's not just about making a great first impression, right? It's about nurturing those connections so they grow into something deeper. Michelle: Right, so we're talking less about the initial spark and more about...what? The long-term glow? That warmth that keeps things alive even after you've walked away from that first meeting? Alex: Precisely! It's about taking a long-term view, seeing generosity as a cycle, and being patient as you build lasting relationships. Think of it as turning quick chats into real partnerships, built on trust. Michelle: Makes sense. Because anyone can nail a conversation once, right? The trick is figuring out how to keep that connection alive, especially when life gets chaotic. Alex: Exactly! The first strategy we should mention is building familiarity over time. Repeated, deliberate interactions are what turn acquaintances into trusted friends or colleagues. Michelle: Aha, familiarity–it's like the difference between a stranger and your regular barista who knows your order? Alex: Exactly. Consistent and deliberate interactions lead to familiarity. Think of a colleague who shares relevant articles with you. Individually, they're small gestures, but together, they build a sense of trust. Michelle: Right. They're staying top-of-mind without being overbearing. Plant a seed, water it regularly, and boom–solid relationship. Alex: Leaders do this all the time. Managers who have casual coffee chats with their teams, for example. Those chats create an open dialogue, strengthening professional and personal bonds. Michelle: Ok, let's get practical. What tools or habits can I use to be more deliberate about building familiarity? Alex: Setting reminders to check in periodically, sharing articles tailored to their interests, or perhaps a yearly check-in around the holidays. Small, consistent gestures make all the difference. Michelle: So, even a simple "Happy Birthday" text counts? Alex: Definitely! It shows you value the connection. Over time, these small acts build a solid foundation. Michelle: Got it. Consistent effort breeds familiarity, and familiarity breeds trust. Let's move on to the next piece–generosity. Alex: Generosity is key to being likable. It's about giving–your time, resources, your network–without expecting anything in return. Over time, it creates a web of goodwill that benefits everyone. Michelle: Okay, but is pure selflessness always wise? Sure, generosity sounds good in theory, but, in competitive situations, how can you give without expecting something back? Alex: Good question. That book argues is that generosity pays off in unexpected ways over the long haul. Remember Mark, the "connector" who hosted lunches to bring people together? Years later, his efforts paid off when a journalist he introduced featured him in an article. Michelle: Ah, right. So, his giving wasn't transactional, but it ultimately benefited him. Alex: Exactly. And, the author introduced a fellow coach, Randi, to one of her clients. Years later, Randi returned the favor at a crucial moment. It's about trusting that generosity creates opportunities when you least expect it. Michelle: Okay, so it’s less about keeping score and more about creating an environment where people naturally want to help each other. How can listeners actually practice this kind of generosity? Alex: Lots of ways! Make introductions, share helpful resources like books, or mentor someone who could benefit from your expertise. They might seem small, but they can have a big impact. Michelle: Alright, familiarity and generosity–check. Now, what about patience? Because, let’s be real, not every relationship clicks right away. Alex: Patience is crucial! Trust and rapport take time. Many relationships develop slowly, and forcing it can backfire. Michelle: Right, so it’s like waiting for bread dough to rise–you can’t rush it. Can you give us an example of how this plays out? Alex: Absolutely. There’s Gabby, who initially made a neutral impression on the author when they first met. Instead of dismissing her, the author let the relationship develop organically and gradually grew into a deep, meaningful friendship. Michelle: And the author just let the relationship run its natural course, without trying to force anything. Alex: Exactly. Her relationship with her sister April highlights the importance of patience. They have very different personalities—one creative, the other structured—but they've learned to lean on each other's strengths turning their differences into complementary assets. Michelle: Okay, here's the big question: how do you know when to wait and when to walk away? Some relationships might never go anywhere, right? Alex: That's where perspective matters. If a relationship feels one-sided or draining, it’s okay to step back. But, for relationships that are meaningful, patience helps trust grow organically. It's about showing up consistently without expectations. Michelle: Alright. So, for patience to work, you need balance–consistent without being overbearing, open without losing yourself. I can see that. Alex: And small gestures such as regular check-ins or expressions of gratitude help nurture relationships without adding pressure. Michelle: Got it. So, long-term relationship building comes down to showing up, giving generously, and letting time do its thing. Alex: Exactly. Familiarity, generosity, and patience are the foundation of deep, meaningful connections. When we embrace them, we not only grow our network but create a support system built on trust.

Alex: Okay, so, to summarize, we've covered the basics of likability. Authenticity and self-image, right? These really set the stage for how we connect with people. Then we talked about communication and energy – active listening, mirroring, managing your emotional energy. Those are the things that make conversations “really” click and become memorable. And finally, how to keep those connections going – nurturing familiarity, being generous, and just practicing patience to make those new relationships “really” last. Michelle: Got it. So basically, likability isn’t about being Mr. or Ms. Popularity, trying to be everyone's best buddy. It's more about showing up as you, offering something worthwhile in your interactions, and, you know, building a “real” network where trust just happens organically. No quick fixes, no tricks—just being intentional and putting in the effort. Alex: Exactly! And to our listeners, the core of it is: relationships take work. Start small. Maybe think about how authentic you're being, reach out to someone you're genuinely curious about, or find a way to give without needing anything back. Every little thing you do makes a difference in building stronger connections. Michelle: Right, right. And, look, don't forget—relationships evolve in their own time. Be patient, be consistent, and let things unfold, you know? Like Lederman said, the best connections aren’t the ones you force, they’re the ones you cultivate. Alex: Couldn't have said it better, Michelle! Big thanks for joining us on this deep dive into The 11 Laws of Likability. Until our next episode, stay true to yourselves and keep building those relationships! Michelle: Catch you all next time!