Michelle: The most important career decision a woman will ever make has nothing to do with her job, her industry, or her education. Mark: Hold on, that’s a bold statement. What could possibly be more important than all of that? Michelle: According to today's author, a top Silicon Valley CEO, it's who she chooses to marry. And the data, surprisingly, backs her up. Mark: Wow. Okay, you have my full attention. That feels both incredibly old-fashioned and radically modern at the same time. What book is this from? Michelle: That provocative idea comes from Deborah Liu in her book, Take Back Your Power: 10 New Rules for Women at Work. Mark: And Liu is someone who knows a thing or two about power. She was a VP at Facebook, helped build massive products like Marketplace, and is now the CEO of Ancestry.com. She’s seen the inside of Silicon Valley's power structures. Michelle: Exactly. And she wrote this book as a part-memoir, part-guide after realizing that even at the highest levels, the rules for women are just… different. The book was widely praised for its raw honesty, even if some critics found the audiobook narration a bit distracting. Mark: I can live with that. It’s the ideas that matter. So, if we’re starting with a rule about marriage, is this a relationship book or a career book? Michelle: It’s both, because Liu argues you can't separate them. But before we even get to the home front, she insists you have to understand the invisible, often infuriating, rules of the game at work.

Michelle: Liu starts with a foundational idea: the playing field isn't just uneven; it operates on a completely different set of physics for women. One of her core arguments, backed by endorsements from people like Kim Scott, is that women are taught from a young age to default to silence. Mark: I think a lot of people have heard that, but it can feel a bit abstract. What does that actually look like at the highest levels of business? Michelle: Well, let me give you a story from the book that is just jaw-dropping. Liu, at the time, was the head of payments for Facebook. She was attending Money 20/20, a huge industry conference where she was scheduled to give the keynote address. Mark: Okay, so she's the main event. The big deal. Michelle: The biggest deal. Before her speech, she’s walking the conference floor with her male colleague, a partnerships lead who reported to her. They’d walk up to a group of executives—mostly men—and introduce themselves. And over and over, the same thing happened. The executives would greet them both, then physically turn their bodies toward her male colleague, edging her out of the circle, and direct the entire conversation to him. Mark: You're kidding me. She's the keynote speaker, the person with all the authority, and they’re literally turning their backs on her to talk to her subordinate? Michelle: Repeatedly. They just assumed the man was in charge. It wasn't until after she gave her keynote that these same men were suddenly falling all over themselves to talk to her. Mark: That is infuriating. But it also makes me wonder, what does that do to you? How do you not just start to… shrink? Michelle: That’s the insidious part. You start giving yourself what Liu calls a "free pass." You tell yourself it’s easier not to fight, not to make it awkward, not to speak up. You rationalize it. And this happens to everyone. She tells another story about Naomi Gleit, one of the longest-tenured and most influential VPs at Facebook. Mark: Another powerhouse. Michelle: Absolutely. They were in a critical meeting about a company issue Naomi cared deeply about. But throughout the entire meeting, Naomi said nothing. She was completely silent. Afterward, people were questioning if she even cared. When Liu asked her why she didn't speak, Naomi, this incredibly powerful woman, said, "I didn't feel like I had the authority to speak." Mark: Wait, a VP at Facebook didn't feel she had the authority to speak in a meeting? How is that possible? Michelle: Liu was just as stunned. She told Naomi, "Don't give away your power. If you had said anything, everyone would have fallen in line." But this is the core of the problem. It’s not just imposter syndrome. Liu argues it's a rational response to a system that consistently punishes women for being assertive. Researchers call it the "abrasiveness trap." Mark: What’s that? Michelle: It’s the double bind where high-achieving men are seen as "assertive" and "strong," but women exhibiting the same behaviors are described in performance reviews as "abrasive," "bossy," or "aggressive." So women learn that to be liked and to get ahead, they have to soften their language, be less direct, and often, just stay silent. They give themselves a free pass because the cost of speaking up feels too high. Mark: So you're penalized if you speak up, but you lose your influence if you don't. That’s a completely unwinnable game. Michelle: Exactly. And that’s why Liu says the first rule is to "Know Your Playing Field." You have to see the invisible traps before you can learn how to disarm them. You have to recognize that your instinct to stay silent isn't a character flaw; it’s a learned survival mechanism. Mark: Okay, so the game is rigged. It sounds pretty bleak. How do you even begin to fight that? Do you just have to be a hundred times more aggressive and risk being labeled "abrasive"? Michelle: That’s the million-dollar question. And Liu’s answer is fascinating because it’s not just about changing your own behavior in isolation. It’s about building an entire support structure around you.

Michelle: Liu argues that taking back your power isn't a solo mission. You can't just "lean in" harder against a system designed to push back. You need to build what I like to call an external scaffolding of power. And the first pillar of that scaffolding is allies. Mark: The word "ally" gets thrown around a lot. What does a real, effective ally look like in Liu's world? Michelle: A real ally doesn't just agree with you privately; they use their own power and privilege to amplify you publicly. She tells this fantastic story about her manager at Facebook, Mike Vernal. She was in executive team meetings and noticed she was constantly being interrupted. It got so bad she just stopped trying to talk. Mark: Which is exactly the "free pass" we were just talking about. Michelle: Precisely. One day, a male colleague cut her off mid-sentence to explain her own product back to the group. Later that day, her manager, Mike, pulled her aside and said he’d noticed the interruptions. He then went and spoke to the colleague who had cut her off. Mark: Oh, I love that. He didn't put the burden on her to solve it. He took action. Michelle: He took action. The colleague came to her, apologized, and never interrupted her again. Mike used his position to make the space for her voice to be heard. That, for Liu, is what a true ally does. They spend their political capital on you. Mark: That’s a great way to put it. An ally is someone who is willing to make things a little awkward for the sake of fairness. They see the rigged game and call a foul. Michelle: Exactly. And this idea of an external support system extends beyond the office. Which brings us back to that bombshell idea from the beginning. Mark: The marriage-as-a-career-choice thing. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. It sounds so transactional. Michelle: It sounds transactional, but Liu frames it as the most fundamental partnership you'll ever have. She argues that for women, the "second shift"—the unpaid labor of running a household and raising children—is the single biggest anchor holding back their careers. The data is stark. Even in couples where both partners work full-time, women still do, on average, an hour more of housework and childcare per day. Mark: It’s like working your demanding day job and then clocking in for another part-time job that never ends and you don't get paid for. The mental load alone must be exhausting. Michelle: It is. And that’s why Liu says you have to be incredibly intentional about your partnership. She and her husband David went to pre-marital counseling where they filled out a massive survey on everything from finances to how many times a week they expected to eat dinner together. They planned their marriage with the same rigor they planned their wedding. Mark: Which almost no one does. You plan the party, not the fifty-year partnership that follows. Michelle: Right. And the real test came when they had their first child. Liu was worried they'd fall into traditional roles. But in the hospital, her husband David made a declaration. He said, "You take care of what goes into the baby, and I will take care of what comes out." Mark: (Laughs) That is both disgusting and the most romantic thing I have ever heard. Michelle: Isn't it? And he stuck to it. He handled every diaper, every spit-up, every mess. It wasn't just about splitting tasks; it was about taking full ownership of an entire domain. This is what Liu calls the "swim lane marriage." Mark: I like that. It’s not, "Can you please take out the trash?" It's, "Trash is your entire department. You are the VP of Sanitation." It removes the need for nagging because the responsibility is clear. Michelle: It completely removes the mental load of project-managing your partner. Each person has their swim lanes—finances, vacation planning, school forms, car maintenance. You trust the other person to manage their domain completely. This, Liu argues, is what frees up the mental and emotional energy for a woman to truly compete and thrive at work. A supportive partner isn't just cheering from the sidelines; they are co-managing the entire enterprise of your life together.

Mark: It’s fascinating. When you put it all together, Liu's argument is that power isn't a personality trait you're born with. It's something you build. You can't just decide to be more powerful one day, especially if the system is pushing you down. Michelle: That’s a perfect summary. It's an architectural project. You have to build a structure. Mark: Right, you need that scaffolding. You need allies at work who act as your structural support beams, making sure you don't get pushed out of the room. And you need a true partner at home who is a co-builder, not just a guest in the house you're managing. Without that foundation, everything else is shaky. Michelle: Exactly. And her ultimate point, which I think is so important, is that this isn't just a "women's issue." When men become better allies and more equitable partners, the entire system improves. Companies with diverse leadership are more innovative and profitable. Families with more engaged fathers raise more resilient children. It’s not a zero-sum game. Mark: That’s the key. "Taking back your power" doesn't mean you're taking it from someone else. It’s about claiming the influence and agency you should have had all along. It’s about balancing the scales. Michelle: It’s about correcting a systemic bug. And Liu’s hope, which she states in the afterword, is that one day her daughters will read this book and find the advice completely outdated. That’s the real goal. Mark: That’s a beautiful way to think about it. It makes you wonder, what's one small "free pass" you give yourself during the week, where you choose silence over speaking up? And for the allies listening, when was the last time you actively made space for someone else's voice? Michelle: Great questions for all of us to reflect on. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Find us on our socials and join the conversation. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.