Mark: That 'like' you just got on your photo? It's not a compliment. It's a cage. And the person who gave it to you is probably just as lost as you are. Today, we’re talking about how to break out. Michelle: Whoa, a cage? That's a strong word, Mark! I was feeling pretty good about that little heart icon, but now I'm rethinking everything. Tell me more. Mark: It’s a central idea in a book that feels incredibly timely, almost urgently necessary. We're diving into Stop Checking Your Likes by Susie Moore. And what makes her perspective so compelling is that she’s not an academic theorist. She’s a self-made life coach who was formerly a high-earning sales director for a Fortune 500 company. She built a multi-seven-figure business without a college degree, so her advice comes from a place of pure, in-the-trenches grit. Michelle: I love that. It’s not advice from an ivory tower; it’s from someone who has lived it. And that idea you started with—that the person on the other side of the screen is just as lost—that feels like the perfect place to start. This whole performance we're all putting on.

Mark: Exactly. Moore calls it the "Approval Trap," and she argues it’s the source of so much quiet desperation. It’s the reason someone stays in a law career their family expects, even when they dream of being an artist. It’s why someone gets married because they’re worried about what people will think if they don’t. We’re constantly looking over our shoulder, seeking validation for a life we’re not even sure we want. Michelle: It’s like we’re all actors in a play, and we’re terrified of getting a bad review from an audience of people who are also just actors, equally terrified of our review. It’s a bizarre, silent agreement to keep up the facade. Mark: A perfect analogy. And the secret Moore lets us in on is that the people who seem to have it all figured out are often the best actors. She tells this incredible story from her own life. In 2012, her tech start-up asked her to move to Washington D.C. to generate political ad revenue during the Romney-Obama election. Michelle: Okay, that sounds like a high-pressure gig. Mark: Immensely. But here’s the thing: she was British. She knew nothing about U.S. politics. She couldn't even vote. She had no connections, no experience, nothing. By all logical measures, she was completely unqualified. Michelle: That is my literal nightmare. I’m getting second-hand anxiety just hearing this. What did she do? Mark: She just said yes and decided to figure it out. She immersed herself—watching the news constantly, reading Politico, taking meeting after meeting. She worked relentlessly, fueled by optimism and what she calls a "tolerance for rejection." And by the end of it, she had generated nearly three million dollars in revenue, blowing all expectations out of the water. Michelle: Wow. That’s both terrifying and incredibly inspiring. It speaks directly to that feeling of Impostor Syndrome so many of us have. We feel like a fraud, just waiting to be exposed. But her story suggests maybe everyone is just "faking it till they make it." Mark: That’s the core insight. As Ricky Gervais once said, "No one else knows what they’re doing, either." We overestimate everyone else’s competence and underestimate our own. We see their highlight reel and compare it to our behind-the-scenes chaos. Michelle: So how do we break that cycle? If we’re wired to seek approval, how do we distinguish between healthy ambition and that toxic, needy validation-seeking? Mark: Moore offers a really clear distinction. She says true success isn't about the promotion or the praise. It’s about choosing freedom—"freedom from needing others’ approval, freedom to pursue who you are and want to become." She tells this great little story about a girl in her high school. This girl wasn't the most beautiful or the smartest, but she was, by far, the most coveted. Michelle: I think we all knew that person. What was her secret? Mark: It was simple. She had an unusually high self-approval rating. She walked around with this quiet confidence, this air of "I'm good." And that internal validation was magnetic. It projected an energy that made everyone else want to be around her. She wasn't seeking approval; she was generating it from within. Michelle: That’s a powerful reframe. It’s not about being the best on some external scorecard. It's about deciding for yourself that you are enough. Your internal reality literally creates your external one. Mark: Precisely. And once you grasp that, you can start using the tools to actually build that internal reality.

Michelle: Okay, so let's get into those tools. Because knowing this intellectually is one thing, but feeling it when your boss criticizes your work or you get left out of a party is another. Mark: Absolutely. And Moore's first tool is deceptively simple, almost comically blunt. It’s a two-word question: "So what?" Michelle: Ha! I like it already. Mark: She tells this story about getting a really nasty YouTube comment. Someone wrote something mean about her appearance, and she was immediately hurt and angry. She called her mentor, a Scottish friend named Fiona, to vent. She laid it all out, expecting sympathy. And Fiona just listened and then said, in her thick accent, "So what?" Michelle: That’s the kind of friend everyone needs. Mark: Right? And in that moment, the power of the comment just evaporated. Susie realized: So what? A stranger on the internet has a negative opinion. Why does that have any bearing on my reality? The comment didn't change anything real in her life. Her anger dissipated, and she was able to just laugh it off. Michelle: I love that story. But I have to push back a little. In the moment, criticism can feel like a physical blow. It triggers our deepest fears of not being good enough. Is just asking "So what?" really enough to counteract that, or is it just a form of emotional bypassing, of pretending it doesn't hurt? Mark: That is a fantastic question, and it gets to the heart of the book's deeper, more challenging message. "So what?" is the emergency brake. It stops the runaway train of negative emotion. But the long-term fix, the thing that rebuilds the tracks, is a concept from Chapter 10 she calls "Great News: It’s Your Fault." Michelle: Okay, that sounds… less fun than "So what?" It actually sounds kind of awful. Mark: It does! It sounds like blame. But Moore argues it’s the most empowering phrase you can adopt. She tells a really raw story about her first marriage. She got married at nineteen to a man who, she later discovered, had a severe gambling addiction and had racked up huge debts. For a long time, she was stuck in what she calls a "victim loop." Michelle: Understandably so. She was a victim of his addiction and deceit. Mark: She was. But staying in that mindset kept her powerless. Her counselor finally helped her see that while she wasn't responsible for his addiction, she was responsible for her choice to stay. The moment she took ownership of her own life and her own competence, she found the strength to leave. The phrase "It's my fault" became "It's my choice." And in that choice, she found her freedom. Michelle: Ah, I see the connection now. "So what?" is about taking away the power of an external event. "It's my choice" is about reclaiming your own internal power to act, regardless of the event. It’s the shift from being a passive reactor to an active creator of your own life. Mark: Exactly. It’s about accountability, not blame. Michelle: This is where I think the book gets polarizing for some. The reader reviews are generally very positive, but a recurring critique is that this "it's your fault" or "it's your choice" mentality can feel victim-blaming, especially for people in situations of systemic oppression or severe trauma where choice feels like a luxury. Mark: That's a very fair and important critique to raise. Moore actually addresses this tension head-on with a heartbreaking story from her childhood. She and her mother lived in a women's shelter, and they had a friend there named Mo who was repeatedly and brutally abused by her husband. And every time, Mo would go back to him. Michelle: That’s a classic and tragic cycle of abuse. Mark: It is. And as a child, Susie was furious. She couldn't understand it. Her mother told her, "It’s her life. Her choice. There is no law against self-destruction." The book is not saying the abuse is Mo's fault. That's abhorrent. It's making a much more subtle and difficult point: the only person who could ultimately make the choice to break the cycle for good was Mo. The power to choose her future was hers, even if the past was filled with powerlessness. It's a tough, complex idea, but it's aimed at empowerment, not blame.

Michelle: Okay, that clarification is crucial. So when you put it all together, the path to an approval-free life is really a two-step process. First, you have to pull back the curtain and realize that this grand performance of life, especially online, is mostly an illusion. The people you're trying to impress are just as insecure as you are. Mark: Step one: Recognize the game is rigged. Michelle: Exactly. And step two is to decide you're not going to play anymore. You do that by taking back your power of choice. You use "So what?" to deflect the small stuff and you embrace "It's my choice" to steer your own ship, no matter how stormy the seas are. Mark: That's a perfect synthesis. The book's ultimate message is that freedom isn't an external condition we wait for; it's an internal decision we make. We spend so much of our lives waiting for permission—for the likes, for the promotion, for someone else to tell us we're finally okay. But Moore, drawing from her own incredible journey from a childhood in shelters to building a coaching empire, argues that the only permission you ever need is your own. Her most powerful line might be, "What you're not changing, you're choosing." Michelle: That line hits hard. It makes you look around at your own life and ask some uncomfortable questions. It makes you wonder, what are we all passively choosing right now by not acting? What cage are we sitting in, just because we're afraid to ask 'So what?' Mark: A powerful question to leave our listeners with. It’s a call to stop checking for likes from others, and start giving one to yourself. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.