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Smart Girls Screw Up Too

9 min

The no-nonsense guide to creating the life you want

Introduction

Narrator: A woman lies in bed, heartbroken. Her partner of several years has just uttered two small words that have detonated her carefully planned future: "It's over." In that moment, she feels like a precious vase that has been dropped and shattered into a thousand pieces. She knows she can try to glue it back together, but the cracks will always be there; it will never be the same. This moment of devastation, of hitting rock bottom, is where many stories of personal struggle begin and end. But what if that breaking point wasn't an end, but a beginning?

In her book, Smart Girls Screw Up Too, author Bella Zanesco argues that these moments of fracture are not something to be hidden, but opportunities for a profound transformation. She presents a guide not for simply reassembling a broken life, but for rebuilding it using what she calls "Golden Glue"—a process of mending the cracks with self-awareness and intentional action, creating a life that is not just repaired, but more resilient, beautiful, and valuable than before.

Embracing the Screw-Up as a Catalyst for Change

Key Insight 1

Narrator: At the heart of Zanesco's philosophy is a radical re-framing of failure. The book posits that screwing up is not only inevitable but is a fundamental prerequisite for growth. A "Smart Girl," in this context, is not someone who is perfect or avoids mistakes, but rather any woman who believes her life can be better and is willing to learn from her missteps. This journey often begins with an "it's over" moment—a crisis that forces a confrontation with uncomfortable truths.

For Zanesco, this moment was the painful breakup that left her in a deep depression. Her initial attempts to cope through dating apps, shopping, and alcohol proved fruitless. The turning point came when she realized that this experience, this shattering, could be a catalyst. This led her to the concept of Kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer mixed with powdered gold. Instead of hiding the cracks, Kintsugi highlights them, celebrating the object's history and making it more beautiful for having been broken. Zanesco uses this as a powerful metaphor for human resilience, suggesting that our "screw-ups" and scars, when acknowledged and healed with intention, become sources of strength and beauty.

Forging a Foundation of Clarity

Key Insight 2

Narrator: Before one can rebuild, Zanesco argues that a solid foundation of clarity is essential. This first part of the journey is about answering two fundamental questions: "Who am I?" and "What do I really want?" The process involves excavating one's core self from beneath layers of societal expectations and self-imposed limitations.

First, she introduces the concept of "touchstones"—core values that act as an internal compass. These are discovered not through abstract thought, but by revisiting favorite memories and identifying the feelings they evoke, such as adventure, freedom, or connection. For Zanesco, a key revelation came while housebound during a heatwave in Jervis Bay, a place of past sailing triumphs. By recalling her most cherished moments, she distilled the essence of what made her feel alive, creating a set of values to guide her future decisions.

Next, the book tackles the powerful influence of personal beliefs. Zanesco explains that "Core Limiting Beliefs," such as "I'm not good enough," often originate from a "Source Wound"—a deep emotional hurt from the past. Her own Source Wound stemmed from her parents' separation, which created a subconscious belief that people she loved would always leave, leading her to sabotage her own relationships. Healing requires identifying this wound, understanding the limiting belief it created, and consciously working to rewire it through new thoughts and actions. This internal work culminates in creating a "Vision House," a framework for building a life of purpose across six key areas: play, learning, well-being, contribution, relationships, and legacy.

Mastering the 'Inside Job' of Mind-Body Connection

Key Insight 3

Narrator: With a clear foundation, the focus shifts inward to what Zanesco calls the "Inside Job": creating a thriving mind, body, and spirit. She emphasizes that true, lasting change is impossible without addressing our physical, mental, and emotional health.

The journey begins with physical health, for which Zanesco champions yoga. She shares her personal story of starting yoga at 36 to combat chronic back pain. Initially self-conscious and inflexible, she discovered that yoga was more than just physical postures; it was a "mirror" reflecting her life off the mat. It taught her self-acceptance, improved her posture, and, as she learned from yoga master Ana Forrest, helped release trauma stored in the body's cellular memory.

Mental health is addressed through the practice of meditation, a tool to silence the "verbally incontinent b**ch in your head." Zanesco points to neuroscientific research, like the work of Sara Lazar at Harvard, which shows that meditation can physically change the brain, shrinking the fear center (amygdala) and thickening areas associated with learning and memory. The book also delves into the critical role of gut health, calling the gut the "second brain." Drawing from her own struggles with IBS, Zanesco illustrates how an imbalanced gut microbiome can impact everything from mood to intuition. Finally, she explores hormonal health, sharing her difficult journey of coming off the contraceptive pill and learning to work with her body's natural cycles rather than against them.

Executing the 'Outside Job' with Unapologetic Confidence

Key Insight 4

Narrator: The final stage of the transformation is the "Outside Job," where internal clarity and vitality are expressed externally with confidence. This is about consciously curating one's life to reflect and support the person they have become.

Zanesco argues that our environments profoundly shape our well-being. She tells the story of her "Cockroach Poop Revelation," a moment when finding insect droppings in her messy kitchen made her realize how her chaotic surroundings were mirroring the mess in her life. This prompted her to "fumigate" her life—leaving a bad relationship, moving to a clean apartment, and eventually leaving a toxic job. This fumigation extends to digital spaces, limiting social media and negative news.

A crucial element of the outside job is building a supportive "tribe." Drawing on the work of anthropologist Robin Dunbar, Zanesco advises curating an inner circle of about five people who champion your growth. She identifies six key archetypes for this tribe: the Catalyst, the Player, the Nurturer, the Inspirer, the Challenger, and the Lover. The book also stresses the importance of play and creativity, which are often lost in adulthood. Zanesco recounts how rediscovering dance through 5Rhythms not only brought her joy but also healed her relationship with her mother. This section culminates in practical, Q&A-style advice on creating a career and love life that align with one's authentic self, emphasizing that it's about making conscious, informed choices rather than waiting for a perfect solution.

Conclusion

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Smart Girls Screw Up Too is that a fulfilling life is not built by avoiding failure, but by mastering the art of the comeback. The book dismantles the myth of perfection and replaces it with the empowering reality of Kintsugi—that our fractures, when mended with the "Golden Glue" of self-awareness, intentional action, and deep self-compassion, are what make us uniquely strong and beautiful. It is a practical guide that moves beyond temporary fixes to address the root causes of dissatisfaction.

Ultimately, the book leaves readers with a profound and challenging question: Are you willing to stop chasing an idealized version of yourself and instead embrace the messy, imperfect, and powerful truth of who you are? The journey to the "upside" doesn't require a giant leap of faith, but rather the courage to take one small, conscious step. It might be as simple as making a green smoothie, but as Zanesco's own story shows, that single step can be the beginning of a path that leads to winning a world championship and, more importantly, to a life lived on your own terms.

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