Daniel: Sophia, what's the single worst piece of relationship advice you've ever heard? Sophia: Oh, that’s easy. It has to be "Just follow your heart." It’s a recipe for disaster. My heart wants pizza for breakfast and thinks it’s a great idea to text an ex at two in the morning. It’s the least reliable guide imaginable. Daniel: Exactly. It's a compass that just spins wildly. And the book we're diving into today argues that for every stage of love—from single to dating to married—we need a map, not just a chaotic feeling. We're talking about Single. Dating. Engaged. Married. by Ben Stuart. Sophia: I like that. A map for the wilderness of modern romance. Daniel: And Stuart is the perfect person to draw that map. What's fascinating is that he wrote this after spending over a decade as the executive director of Breakaway Ministries, a massive weekly Bible study for college students at Texas A&M. He has seen the confusion and heartache of modern dating up close, on a huge scale, year after year. Sophia: So he’s been on the front lines, seeing where all the conventional advice, like "follow your heart," leads people astray. Daniel: Precisely. And he starts his map in a place most people just want to rush through: singleness. But he frames it in a really provocative way, not as a waiting room, but as a gift.

Sophia: A gift, huh? That already sounds like a tough sell for a lot of people. Daniel: It is, and he knows it. He tells this fantastic story from his childhood to explain it. Picture this: it’s Christmas, and he has two grandmothers. 'Country Grandma' and 'City Grandma'. City Grandma always gave the better, more expensive gifts. Sophia: Of course. The classic city vs. country grandma gift-off. Daniel: Exactly. But one year, Country Grandma gives him this incredible, powerful titanium slingshot with steel ball bearings. He’s a young boy, he’s thrilled, he’s immediately outside causing mayhem. Later, they go to City Grandma’s house, and she hands him… a single sheet of paper. It was a certificate for one hundred shares of stock. Sophia: Oh, that’s a letdown. For a kid, that’s the equivalent of getting socks. The slingshot is instant fun, the paper is just… paper. Daniel: He was so underwhelmed. The slingshot was what he wanted. But then, the slingshot broke and injured him. Fast forward twenty years. Ben is trying to figure out how to pay for seminary. He remembers the stock certificate, looks it up, and discovers it has grown so much in value that it completely pays for his education. The gift he didn't want, the one that seemed boring and useless at the time, turned out to be the one that funded his entire future. Sophia: Wow. Okay, that’s a powerful metaphor. The thing you don’t appreciate in the moment holds the key to your future. So he’s saying singleness is the stock certificate, not the slingshot. Daniel: That’s the core idea. He argues that God ordains this season of singleness as a gift, a time for what the Apostle Paul called "undistracted devotion." It's a unique period with the freedom and time to build a deep, foundational relationship with God that will pay dividends for the rest of your life, whether you get married or not. Sophia: Okay, I love that story, but let's be real. This is where the book gets a bit controversial for some readers. Many have pointed out that framing singleness as a 'gift' can feel dismissive of the real pain of loneliness. They feel it puts this immense pressure on single people to be hyper-productive for the church, like they’re just kingdom workhorses until they finally get a partner. Daniel: That’s a very fair critique, and it’s a common misreading of the idea. The book tries to clarify that "undistracted devotion" isn't about being busy. It's not about filling your schedule with more volunteering. It’s about the unique internal freedom you have. When you're married, your life is rightly divided. You're concerned with your spouse's well-being, your kids, the mortgage. Stuart’s point is that in singleness, you have this unparalleled opportunity to focus your heart, to build a spiritual foundation so solid that it can support whatever comes next. It’s about depth, not just activity. Sophia: That’s a much better framing. So it’s less about what you do with your free time and more about the kind of person you become when your primary focus isn't split. It’s about building that internal stock portfolio. Daniel: Exactly. It's a season for becoming a whole person, secure in your identity, before you ever try to merge your life with someone else's. But, of course, most people do eventually want to merge their lives. And that’s where the map gets really interesting, because it moves from the foundation of singleness into the chaos of dating.

Sophia: And chaos is the right word. If singleness is the waiting room, dating feels like a maze with no exit signs. Daniel: Stuart has another great story for that. He describes hiking alone in the Grand Canyon to see a waterfall. His friends stayed behind, so he set off by himself. At first, it was great, but soon anxiety kicked in. He didn't know how far he'd gone or how far he had left. He started to panic, thinking he’d run out of water or get lost. Sophia: I’ve been on that kind of hike. Every step is filled with doubt. Daniel: He started rushing, passing a relaxed couple who were also heading to the falls. In his panic, he convinced himself he must have missed it, so he scrambled up a cliff face, startled a deer, fell into a cactus, and ended up bloody and exhausted. Just then, he heard the sound of the waterfall. It was right around the corner. He limped over and saw the same couple he’d passed, calmly enjoying their lunch, perfectly fine. They had a map. He had just panicked. Sophia: That is the perfect metaphor for modern dating. The frantic, painful, inefficient journey you take when you have no idea what you're doing or where you're going. You end up hurt and exhausted, while other people seem to just… arrive. Daniel: And that’s his whole point. He says modern dating is a sprawling, rule-less life stage. We have this vague idea of "hanging out" and "seeing where things go," which creates immense anxiety. He argues that dating should not be a status to dwell in, but a process to move through. Its purpose is one thing: evaluation. Sophia: Evaluation. That sounds so… unromantic. It sounds like a job interview. Daniel: It sounds clinical, but it’s actually incredibly freeing. Instead of asking "Does this person make my heart flutter?", you ask "Is this person a good potential partner for a lifelong mission?" He says you evaluate two things: character and chemistry. And he warns against what he calls the "consumer mentality." Sophia: Oh, I know this one. It’s like we're treating people like items in an Amazon cart. We have a checklist: must be six-foot-tall, have a good job, enjoy hiking, and have a dog. And we get frustrated when the 'product' arrives with a flaw. Daniel: Exactly. He quotes a researcher who says people are not products, but we treat them like one. The book advocates for a "companion mentality" instead. You're not looking for a finished product to consume; you're looking for a fellow traveler to build a life with. And to do that, you need a map. He offers seven principles for the journey. Sophia: Okay, what are the key ones? We don’t have time for all seven. Daniel: The big ones are Clarity, Community, and Purity. Clarity means men should initiate with clear intentions. No more "wanna hang out sometime?" It’s, "I'm interested in getting to know you better, I'd like to take you on a date." It cuts through the ambiguity. Sophia: The collective sigh of relief from women everywhere. But what does that actually sound like in practice without being terrifyingly formal? "I am formally evaluating you for partnership potential. Please join me for coffee"? Daniel: He’d say it’s more about being honest and respectful. Something like, "Hey, I've really enjoyed talking with you and I'm impressed by your character. I'd love to take you to dinner and get to know you more intentionally." It’s clear, it’s respectful, and it sets a purpose. Sophia: Okay, that’s actually very good. It’s confident and kind. What about Community? Daniel: That means you don't date in a vacuum. You bring the person around your trusted friends and family. Your community sees things you don't. They are your guardrails. And finally, Purity, which is about refraining from sexual intimacy before marriage. He argues that sex releases powerful bonding chemicals that cloud your judgment. It makes it nearly impossible to evaluate someone clearly. You bond to them before you've determined if they're actually a good fit for you. Sophia: So sex before marriage essentially fogs up the lens you’re supposed to be using for evaluation. You fall for the connection before you’ve assessed the character. Daniel: Precisely. These principles create a map that guides you through the evaluation process. And if that evaluation goes well, it leads to the next stage. But Stuart argues that marriage isn't the destination at the end of the map. It's actually the beginning of a whole new expedition.

Sophia: I like that. It’s not the finish line; it’s the starting gate. Daniel: Right. This is the most powerful reframe in the whole book for me. He says the purpose of marriage isn't just to find personal happiness or companionship. The ultimate purpose of marriage is mission. It’s a picture of Christ's love for the world, and it’s a pursuit of God's purposes together. Sophia: So it’s not just about two people looking at each other, but about two people standing side-by-side and looking outward at a common goal. Daniel: You've got it. He uses the biblical couple Priscilla and Aquila as a case study. They're mentioned several times in the New Testament, and they are always mentioned together. They were tentmakers, a family business. When the Apostle Paul comes to their town, they don't just give him a donation; they open their home and their business to him. He lives and works with them. They become his base of operations. Sophia: They weren't just a married couple; they were a ministry and business unit. A team. Daniel: A total power couple. Later, they travel with Paul to a new city, Ephesus. There, they meet a brilliant and passionate preacher named Apollos, but his theology is a little off. He doesn't have the full picture. Priscilla and Aquila don't call him out publicly. The text says they "took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately." They were hospitable, they were sharp, and they were courageous. Sophia: And they did it together. It wasn't just Aquila the man doing the teaching. It was both of them, as a team, investing in someone else. Daniel: Yes. And because of their investment, Apollos becomes one of the most influential leaders in the early church. Priscilla and Aquila leveraged their marriage, their home, their work, and their knowledge for a mission far bigger than themselves. Stuart’s argument is that this is what makes a marriage strong. A shared mission is the ultimate glue. Sophia: That changes everything. It reframes marriage from something you settle down into, to something you gear up for. It’s not about finding someone to complete your life, but finding someone to join your mission. That’s so much bigger and more exciting. It’s the ultimate antidote to that aimless "follow your heart" advice we started with. Daniel: It is. It gives marriage a transcendent purpose. He says your marriage is safest when it is on mission. Because when you're both running in the same direction, pursuing the same goal, you're not going to run away from each other.

Sophia: So when you put it all together, it's this incredible, logical progression. Daniel: It really is. You have singleness, which is this foundational season of deep, undistracted devotion to God. Then you have dating, which is a clear-eyed, principle-guided process of evaluation. And finally, you have marriage, which is the launch of a shared, outward-facing mission. Each stage builds on the last. Sophia: It’s a complete roadmap. It takes you from building yourself, to finding a partner, to building a life of purpose together. It’s not just about avoiding pain; it’s about creating something meaningful. Daniel: And it all hinges on rejecting the idea that our feelings are our ultimate guide. It requires intention, wisdom, and a purpose bigger than our own happiness. Sophia: It really makes you ask, regardless of your relationship status right now: What is the purpose of this season? Am I just waiting around and following my heart, or am I actively building something that will last? Daniel: A powerful question to reflect on. We'd love to hear your thoughts on this. What's the purpose you've found in your current season? Join the conversation with the Aibrary community. Sophia: This is Aibrary, signing off.