Mark: Your brain is like Velcro for bad experiences and Teflon for good ones. Michelle: (Laughs) Okay, that explains so much about my Mondays. And my Tuesdays. And pretty much every time I open my email. Mark: It's not a personal failing; it’s a design flaw from our evolution. And today, we’re talking about the user manual to fix it. The book is Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness by Rick Hanson and his son, Forrest Hanson. Michelle: Rick Hanson. I know that name. He’s a pretty big deal in the psychology world, right? Mark: He is. He's a psychologist and a Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. But what's fascinating is how he blends that with over 40 years of clinical experience, deep expertise in neuroscience, and even contemplative practices from Buddhism. He’s basically giving us a science-backed way to do what ancient wisdom has taught for centuries: intentionally shape our own minds for the better. Michelle: A user manual for the brain, written by someone who actually knows how the hardware and the software work. I’m in. So, let's start with that 'Velcro for bad' idea. Why are our brains wired to be so negative in the first place?

Mark: It all comes down to survival. For millions of years, our ancestors had to worry about two things: getting carrots, like food and mates, and avoiding sticks, like predators and natural disasters. Michelle: And I’m guessing the sticks were a bit more urgent. Mark: Infinitely more. If you miss a carrot today, you can try again tomorrow. If you miss a stick—like a tiger hiding in the bushes—you don't get a tomorrow. So, the brain developed what Hanson calls a "negativity bias." It’s constantly scanning for threats, overreacting to them, and burning those negative experiences into memory for future reference. Michelle: It’s like our brain’s default setting is "paranoid." Mark: Exactly. Hanson calls it "paper tiger paranoia." We react to a critical email from our boss with the same fight-or-flight chemistry that our ancestors used for a saber-toothed tiger. He uses this great analogy from the animal kingdom to explain the two modes our nervous system operates in. He calls them the "Green Zone" and the "Red Zone." Michelle: Okay, what's the difference? Mark: Imagine a herd of zebras on the savannah. They're grazing peacefully, socializing, feeling pretty content. They're in the Green Zone, what he calls the Responsive mode. Their basic needs for safety, satisfaction, and connection are being met. They're calm, but alert. Michelle: I’m picturing a very chill zebra. Maybe it’s listening to a podcast. Mark: (Laughs) Probably. But then, out of nowhere, a pride of lions bursts from the tall grass. Instantly, the entire herd explodes into the Red Zone—the Reactive mode. It’s pure panic. Adrenaline and cortisol flood their systems. Their only goal is to escape. It’s a chaotic, high-stress, life-or-death moment. Michelle: Right. The tiger is real. Mark: The tiger is real. But here’s the crucial part. The chase is over in a few minutes. Either the lions get a zebra, or they don't. And as soon as the threat is gone, the surviving zebras… just go back to grazing. They shake it off and return to the Green Zone almost immediately. Their stress response was intense, but short-lived. Michelle: And we don't do that. Mark: We do not. We get that stressful email, the Red Zone alarm goes off, and we stay there. We ruminate about it for hours, we worry about it all night, we're still thinking about it the next day. We are, essentially, zebras who have forgotten how to stop running from lions that are no longer there. Our brains keep replaying the threat, keeping us stuck in that Red Zone. Michelle: So we’re all just zebras who forgot how to calm down after the lions are gone? That’s… a little depressing, but also makes a lot of sense. Is that negativity bias why a single criticism can ruin a day, even if nine good things happened? Mark: That’s precisely it. The brain is Velcro for the bad, Teflon for the good. It’s a universal learning disability we all share. But the central promise of Resilient is that we can consciously and deliberately overcome it. We can use the mind to change the brain. Michelle: Okay, that sounds good, but also a bit like a self-help platitude. "Change your mind, change your life!" How does that actually work on a biological level? Mark: This is where it gets really exciting. It's a concept called "experience-dependent neuroplasticity." It’s a fancy term for a simple idea, summed up by a famous saying in neuroscience: "Neurons that fire together, wire together." Michelle: I’ve heard that before. Mark: It means that every experience you have, every thought, feeling, and sensation, is based on a specific pattern of neurons firing in your brain. When you repeat an experience, you strengthen the connections between those neurons. Do it enough, and you build a new neural pathway. You literally change the physical structure of your brain. Michelle: So if I worry a lot, I’m basically building a superhighway for anxiety in my brain. Mark: You're paving it, widening the lanes, and adding an express toll. You become an expert at being anxious. But the reverse is also true. If you repeatedly have experiences of calm, gratitude, or confidence, you can build superhighways for those qualities, too. This is what Hanson calls "positive neuroplasticity." It’s the act of turning passing, positive mental states into lasting, positive neural traits. Michelle: So you’re saying we can intentionally install good qualities into our own brains? Mark: That is the core argument of the entire book. But—and this is the key insight that many positive psychology approaches miss—simply having a positive experience is not enough. Michelle: Wait, what? Why not? Mark: Because of the negativity bias! The brain is already primed to ignore the good stuff. A fleeting moment of gratitude is like water off a duck's back. For it to stick, for it to become a part of your neural structure, you have to actively install it. You have to learn how to learn. And that’s where Hanson gives us the book's central tool.

Michelle: Okay, so if having a good experience isn't enough, what is? What's the secret sauce? Mark: The secret sauce is a four-step process he calls the HEAL framework. It’s an acronym: H-E-A-L. This is the practical engine of the whole book. It’s the 'how-to' for that positive neuroplasticity we were talking about. Michelle: Alright, break it down for me. What does HEAL stand for? Mark: The 'H' stands for Have. First, you have to have a beneficial experience. This doesn't have to be some monumental event. It can be tiny. You can notice one that's already happening—the warmth of a cup of coffee, the feeling of relief when a meeting ends, a moment of connection with a friend. Or you can create one—by deliberately thinking of something you're grateful for or bringing to mind a feeling of self-compassion. Michelle: Okay, so step one is just to notice or create a small, good moment. I can do that. Mark: Step two is 'E' for Enrich. This is where you go beyond just noticing. You stay with the experience for a breath or two longer than you normally would. You let it become more intense. You feel it in your body. You focus on what’s enjoyable or meaningful about it. You’re essentially telling your brain, "Hey! Pay attention! This is important!" Michelle: So you’re marinating in the good feeling, basically. Mark: That's a perfect analogy. You're marinating in it. Then comes 'A' for Absorb. This is the most crucial step for installation. You intentionally feel the experience sinking into you, becoming a part of you. Hanson says it can feel like finding a treasure and placing it in a chest in your heart. It’s a sense of receiving, of letting this good thing become a resource inside you. Michelle: That sounds a little abstract. What does 'absorbing' actually feel like? Mark: It’s subtle. It might feel like a warmth spreading in your chest, a sense of softening, or just a quiet feeling of 'yes, this is for me.' The point is the intention. You are consciously internalizing the experience. And these first three steps—Have, Enrich, Absorb—are usually enough to start building new neural structure. Michelle: Okay, so H-E-A. What’s the 'L'? Mark: The 'L' is for Link, and it's an optional but powerful fourth step. This is for when you want to heal painful or negative material. While you're holding that positive, absorbed experience in the front of your mind, you also allow some of the negative material—a worry, a painful memory, a self-criticism—to be present in the background. Michelle: Whoa, hold on. You're supposed to think about something bad while you're feeling good? Won't that just ruin the good feeling? Mark: It's a delicate balance. The key is that the positive material has to be stronger than the negative. The idea is that the positive experience can gradually soothe, and even begin to replace, the negative one. You're using the good to heal the bad. He calls it "using flowers to pull weeds." To make this concrete, he shares a really powerful personal story from his own life. Michelle: I want to hear this. Mark: As a kid, Hanson felt a deep lack of connection. His parents worked long hours, and he was a bit nerdy and socially awkward at school. He said it created a "hole in his heart," this empty, aching feeling inside. When he got to college, he tried to fill it with achievements—getting good grades, being determined—but nothing worked. He was still hollow. Michelle: That’s heartbreaking. Mark: It is. But then, midway through his freshman year, he started to apply what would become the HEAL process. He started to Have small experiences of connection—a group waving him over to eat with them, someone being friendly on the way to class. Instead of just letting those moments pass, he started to Enrich them. He'd stay with the feeling of being included for a few extra seconds. And then he would Absorb it, letting that feeling of being liked sink in and fill that empty place. Michelle: So he was taking in these tiny social vitamins. Mark: Exactly! He called it his "vitamin C" for the scurvy of loneliness. And he says, bit by bit, day by day, thousands of these tiny, internalized moments gradually filled that hole in his heart. He didn't need a big, dramatic event. He healed himself with small, consistent doses of absorbed good experiences. Michelle: Wow. That makes it so much more real. It's not about positive thinking; it's about positive experiencing and letting it land. So if I get a nice compliment at work, instead of just deflecting it and moving on, I should pause for a second... Mark: Yes! You Have the experience. Then you Enrich it—think about why it feels good, maybe feel a little pride or warmth. Then you Absorb it—let that feeling of being appreciated really sink in. You’re taking 20 or 30 seconds to hardwire a little bit of confidence into your brain. Michelle: Okay, so we can rewire our own brains. That's an incredible tool for personal well-being. But what happens when other people are the problem? How does this help in a difficult relationship with a partner, a family member, or a boss?

Mark: That's the perfect question, because all the inner strength in the world doesn't mean much if you can't navigate your relationships. And Hanson argues that the greatest need for courage isn't on a battlefield, but in our most intimate conversations. Michelle: I can definitely relate to that. Sometimes being honest with someone you love feels scarier than anything else. Mark: It does. And he presents a paradox here: to have a strong and healthy 'we' in a relationship, you first need a strong and autonomous 'me'. You need a solid sense of your own worth, your own needs, and your own boundaries before you can truly connect with someone else. Michelle: That feels counter-intuitive. You'd think intimacy is about losing yourself in the other person. Mark: That’s a common misconception that leads to a lot of pain. True intimacy, he says, is about two whole people coming together. And a big part of maintaining that wholeness is understanding how we create our own suffering in relationships. He uses a famous story from the Buddha about "two darts." Michelle: Two darts? What’s that? Mark: The Buddha said that whenever you experience something painful in life, you get struck by a dart. This first dart is unavoidable. It’s the physical or emotional pain of life—someone says something hurtful, you get sick, you face a setback. It hurts. Michelle: Okay, the first dart is just life happening. Mark: Right. But then, we almost always throw a second dart at ourselves. This second dart is our reaction to the first one. It’s the anger, the resentment, the shame, the self-criticism, the endless rumination. The Buddha's point was that the first dart is mandatory, but the second dart is optional. And most of our suffering comes from the second dart, the one we throw at ourselves. Michelle: Oh, I am an expert second-dart-thrower. Someone cancels plans—that's the first dart of disappointment. The second, third, and fourth darts are me thinking, "They don't really like me, I must have done something wrong, I'm always the one who gets canceled on..." Mark: You've nailed it. And a major source of these second darts is what Hanson calls the "inner critic." That voice in our head that scolds us, finds fault, and tells us we're not good enough. By using the HEAL process to build up inner resources like self-compassion and self-worth, we can learn to stop throwing that second dart. We can feel the pain of the first dart without adding a whole layer of self-inflicted suffering on top of it. Michelle: That makes sense for managing my own reactions. But what about when the other person is genuinely being difficult? What about the person throwing the first dart? Hanson's approach to this is something he calls "unilateral virtue," right? Mark: Yes, and this is one of the most challenging but powerful ideas in the book. Michelle: It sounds great, but let's be real. Isn't "unilateral virtue" just a fancy way of saying you should be a doormat? If someone's being a jerk, don't I have a right to be angry and call them out? Mark: You absolutely have a right to your feelings and a right to assert your needs. This is where people misunderstand. Unilateral virtue isn't about letting people walk all over you. It’s about taking full responsibility for your side of the interaction, regardless of what the other person does. It's about choosing to act from your own values—with kindness, integrity, and wisdom—even if they are acting from a place of anger or fear. Michelle: So I can be virtuous and still tell someone to back off? Mark: Yes! In fact, that's often the most courageous and virtuous thing to do. The difference is the energy behind it. Are you asserting your boundary from a place of calm self-respect, or are you lashing out with blame and resentment? The first approach builds connection and solves problems. The second just creates a bigger fight—it’s you throwing a second dart at them, and they'll just throw one back. Mark: Hanson tells a great story about his own mother. When his kids were young, she would constantly give him and his wife unsolicited parenting advice. It was driving them crazy. Michelle: Oh, I think many people know that story. Mark: So one day, he calmly and kindly said to her, "Mom, we really value your wisdom, but going forward, could you please only give us advice if we ask for it?" She immediately got defensive and said, "I don't give unsolicited advice!" Michelle: Classic. So what did he do? Argue with her about all the times she did? Mark: That would be the normal reaction, right? But he practiced unilateral virtue. He didn't get into a fight about the past. He just smiled and said, "Oh, okay. Well, then I guess it won't be a problem going forward." He stayed on his side of the street. And because he didn't escalate it, she was able to hear the message. Over the next few days, he saw her start to give advice, catch herself, and stop. He got the result he wanted without a single argument. Michelle: That is... incredibly skillful. He focused on the future he wanted, not the past he was angry about. Mark: That's the essence of it. It takes courage to do that. It takes the inner strength of calm and confidence, which you build with the HEAL framework. It all connects.

Mark: And that's really the whole journey of the book in a nutshell. It all connects in this beautiful upward spiral. We start by recognizing our brain's faulty, negative-focused programming. Michelle: The Velcro-and-Teflon problem. Mark: Exactly. Then, we use the HEAL framework as our superpower to consciously install new, better software—inner strengths like grit, gratitude, calm, and self-worth. Michelle: We're not just dealing with the old software; we're actively writing new code. Mark: We are. And with that upgraded internal operating system, we can show up in our most important relationships not from a place of fear and reactivity—the Red Zone—but from a place of courage, confidence, and generosity. The Green Zone. We stop throwing second darts at ourselves and others. Michelle: It's a profound shift from being a victim of our own brain chemistry to becoming the architect of our own mind. It feels empowering rather than just... coping. Mark: That's the word. It's about thriving, not just surviving. And the book is so well-regarded because it makes this grand project feel achievable. It’s not about one giant leap; it’s about thousands of small moments, consistently taken in. Michelle: So if there's one thing listeners could try today, just to get a feel for this, what would it be? Mark: I think it's that micro-dose of the HEAL process. The next time something even remotely good happens—you taste your coffee and it's perfect, you hear a song you love, someone gives you a small smile—don't just let it fly by. Michelle: Pause. For just one extra breath. Mark: Just one extra breath. Have the experience. Enrich it for a moment. And then just gently feel it Absorb into you. That's it. That's the first step on the path. It takes less than 30 seconds, but it's a tiny act of rewiring your brain for happiness. Michelle: I love that. It’s so small, but it feels like it could change everything over time. Mark: It does. And we'd love to hear what you discover. Find us on our social channels and share one small moment you ‘HEALed’ this week with the Aibrary community. It’s amazing to see how these tiny moments add up. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.