Mark: That expensive yoga retreat you booked to 'find yourself'? It might be part of the problem. The bubble baths, the gratitude journals... what if the entire self-care industry is selling you a beautiful, comforting lie that's actually making you more exhausted? Michelle: Whoa, that's a bold claim. You're telling me my Sunday night face mask is a conspiracy? Because it feels pretty good. But I'm listening. That feeling of 'doing self-care' and still feeling drained is… very real. Mark: It’s the central, bracingly honest premise of the book we’re diving into today: Real Self-Care by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin. Michelle: And Dr. Lakshmin isn't just another wellness influencer. She's a board-certified psychiatrist specializing in women's mental health. What's fascinating is that her journey to this book involved her leaving a psychiatry residency to join a wellness commune centered on... orgasmic meditation. Mark: Exactly. She went all-in on what she now calls 'faux self-care' and came out the other side with a powerful, science-backed critique of the entire wellness-industrial complex. She saw firsthand how external fixes fail. Michelle: Okay, a psychiatrist who joins a commune and then writes a book calling out the wellness industry? I'm in. That’s some serious street cred. Where do we even start?

Mark: We start with her first major argument: the absolute tyranny of 'Faux Self-Care.' Dr. Lakshmin describes it as 'empty calories.' It’s any activity that provides a temporary escape but offers no real, lasting nourishment. It’s the difference between a candy bar and a balanced meal. Michelle: Empty calories. I like that. It’s a quick hit of sugar that leaves you crashing an hour later. So what does that look like in practice? Mark: Her own story is the most powerful example. In her late twenties, she was a physician in training, completely burned out and disillusioned with mainstream medicine. She felt it was just about prescribing pills without addressing the systemic reasons her patients—mostly women—were struggling. Michelle: I can see that. The system wasn't built to solve the root problems. Mark: Precisely. So she did something drastic. She left her marriage, dropped out of her psychiatry residency, and moved to a wellness commune in San Francisco. This group was focused on a practice called orgasmic meditation, and she truly believed it was the answer. She saw it as a kind of feminist utopia, a place that would finally fix her burnout. Michelle: Wow. That is a huge leap of faith. She bet everything on this external solution. Mark: She did. For nearly two years, she was completely immersed. But over time, the cracks started to show. She noticed inconsistencies in their dogma and, more importantly, she realized that this one practice, no matter how powerful, couldn't solve all her problems. It didn't fix her relationship with her family, her financial anxieties, or her career confusion. She left the group and fell into a deep depression, having to rebuild her life from scratch. Michelle: That’s heartbreaking. But it’s such a clear illustration of the point. The retreat ends, the commune dissolves, and you’re still left with… you. And your problems. Mark: Exactly. And she sees her patients falling into the same trap, just with different flavors of faux self-care. She identifies three main ways we get seduced. The first is 'Escape.' This is the patient she calls Monique, a young nurse who feels crushed by work and family obligations. Every six months, she’d impulsively splurge on a fancy retreat—yoga in Bali, meditation in New York. It felt amazing while she was there, being cared for by strangers. But the moment she got home, she’d crash. The real work begins when the retreat ends, and she never did that work. Michelle: Hold on, though. A vacation or a massage does feel good. Are we saying those things are inherently bad? I think a lot of people would argue that escape is exactly what they need. Mark: That’s the key distinction. The activity itself isn't the problem; it's the why. Is it a conscious, restorative break that’s part of a larger system of well-being? Or is it an escape hatch you pull when you can't cope anymore? Dr. Lakshmin argues that for many, it's the latter. It’s a Band-Aid on a deeper wound. Michelle: Okay, that makes more sense. It's about the function it serves. What are the other two traps? Mark: The second is 'Achievement.' This is for the person who turns wellness into another competition. She tells the story of Sharon, a high-achieving journalist who gets laid off. Her identity was her career, so she redirected all that energy into wellness. She signed up for yoga teacher training, ran a 5K, and obsessively charted her running times on a spreadsheet. She posted selfies after every workout. Michelle: Oh, I know that person. Their self-care looks more stressful than their job. Mark: It is! Because it’s not grounded in self-compassion. It's driven by a feeling of worthlessness, a need to prove she's still a 'winner.' She was performing wellness, not practicing it. The third trap is 'Optimization.' This is the life-hack, productivity-guru approach. The patient Anita, a mom of three, outsourced everything—meal kits, errand runners, scheduling apps. She approached her household like a business to be optimized. Michelle: That sounds like every modern parent's dream, honestly. What's wrong with that? Mark: Because even with all that "free" time, she couldn't relax. She was still mentally managing everything, thinking about what she could be doing better. She was managing her kids instead of being with them. She optimized her life so much that she lost the ability to feel connected to it. It’s the "human doing" instead of the "human being." Michelle: It feels like we're just set up to fail. We're told to optimize ourselves into wellness, but the demands just keep growing. It’s an impossible cycle. Mark: And that's the perfect lead-in to her next, and perhaps most powerful, argument. The reason this cycle feels impossible is because it is. You're not the problem. The game itself is rigged.

Michelle: Okay, 'the game is rigged.' That's a strong statement. What does she mean by that? Mark: She means that individual women are shouldering the weight of broken societal systems. She opens this section with a quote that just stops you in your tracks: "Other countries have social safety nets. The US has women." Michelle: Wow. Just… wow. Say that again. Mark: "Other countries have social safety nets. The US has women." She argues that the burnout, the anxiety, the despair so many women feel isn't a personal failing. It’s not that you didn't try hard enough or find the right app. It's a societal betrayal. The systems that are supposed to support us—in healthcare, childcare, the workplace—are failing us. Michelle: That is such a powerful reframe. It shifts the blame from 'what's wrong with me?' to 'what's wrong with the world around me?' Mark: Precisely. And she uses the story of a patient named Mikaleh to drive this home. Mikaleh is a 41-year-old Black woman, a manager at a nonprofit, and a mother of two. Her own mother, who had been the primary caregiver for her elderly father, dies unexpectedly. Suddenly, her father needs full-time care, and the expectation from her four adult brothers is that she, Mikaleh, will handle it. Michelle: Of course. The classic story. The daughter gets the burden. Mark: Exactly. So she's working full-time, raising her own daughters, and now she's also managing her father's meals, laundry, and complex healthcare. She's drowning. Her anxiety and OCD, which she had managed for years, spiral out of control. She feels this immense rage and resentment, but also guilt for feeling that way. Michelle: That is just crushing. The idea that she's carrying all that, and her brothers are just... not there. It’s the invisible labor that just destroys people. Mark: And Dr. Lakshmin's point is that Mikaleh's crisis isn't just about her family dynamics. It's about a society with no affordable elder care, inadequate mental health support, and deeply ingrained patriarchal expectations that this work falls to women, especially women of color. Mikaleh's burnout is a direct result of societal betrayal. Michelle: So if the system is the problem, how can an individual's 'real self-care' even make a dent? Isn't that just putting the burden right back on the individual to fix a broken world? That feels like a contradiction. Mark: That is the million-dollar question, and it’s where her argument becomes truly revolutionary. She says real self-care isn't about escaping the system. It's about building the internal strength to challenge it and, ultimately, to change it, starting with yourself. It’s an inside job.

Michelle: An inside job. I like the sound of that. It feels more empowering than just waiting for the world to change. So what does this 'real self-care' actually look like? Mark: It’s a fundamental shift in perspective. It’s not about hedonic pleasure—the fleeting happiness of a cookie or a spa day. It’s about what psychologists call 'eudaimonic well-being.' Michelle: Hold on, 'eudaimonic'? Can you break that down for us? It sounds like something from a philosophy textbook. Mark: It does, but the concept is simple. It means a sense of well-being that comes from living a life of meaning and purpose, from aligning your actions with your deepest values. It’s the feeling you get from doing something hard that truly matters to you. And research links this kind of well-being to better sleep, a longer life, and lower levels of inflammation. Michelle: So it’s the difference between feeling good for a moment and building a good life. Mark: Perfect summary. And Dr. Lakshmin provides a framework for building that life. She says real self-care is a way of being, guided by four core principles. It's not a to-do list; it's a compass for making decisions. Michelle: Okay, I'm ready. What are the four principles? Mark: Principle one is Setting Boundaries. This is the foundation. It’s about saying no, protecting your time and energy, and moving past the guilt that comes with prioritizing yourself. Principle two is Practicing Self-Compassion. This means treating yourself with kindness, especially when you fail. It’s about silencing your inner critic and embracing the idea of being 'good enough' instead of perfect. Michelle: The 'good enough' part is huge. I think perfectionism is the engine that drives so much of this burnout. Mark: Absolutely. Principle three is Getting Closer to Yourself. This is about knowing what you actually want and what your core values are. If you don't know what matters to you, you can't make decisions that align with those values. And finally, principle four is Asserting Your Power. This is about recognizing that your choices have a ripple effect and that by taking ownership of your life, you begin to change the systems around you. Michelle: Okay, that sounds great in theory, but what does 'asserting power' actually look like on a Tuesday afternoon when you're swamped with emails and your kid is sick? Mark: Let me tell you the story of Clara. She was a 45-year-old public school teacher, passionate about her work but completely burned out. The school administration was constantly undermining her, cutting budgets, and taking away her autonomy in the classroom. She felt demoralized. Michelle: I can imagine. Nothing drains you faster than feeling powerless. Mark: Through therapy, she did the work of 'getting closer to herself.' She realized a core value for her was agency—the ability to make her own decisions and see their impact. When administrators took that away, she felt terrible. When she helped a student have a breakthrough, she felt alive. That was her compass. Michelle: So she had a clear signal for what was right for her. Mark: Exactly. So, she started setting boundaries. She stopped answering emails after hours. She practiced self-compassion, telling herself it was okay to feel exhausted and that she wasn't a bad teacher for wanting a change. And finally, she asserted her power. She made a plan, saved money, and quit her job to start her own tutoring business for students with learning disabilities. Michelle: Wow. That’s a huge move. Mark: It was terrifying for her! But it was an act of real self-care. She aligned her life with her core value of agency. And in doing so, she not only saved herself but also created a new, better system for her students. That’s the cascade effect. Michelle: So Clara setting a boundary by quitting, having compassion for herself, connecting with her value of agency... that was her asserting power. It all clicks together. It’s not four separate things to do; it's one integrated way of being. Mark: You've got it. That’s why Dr. Lakshmin says, "Faux self-care is a thing to do, real self-care is a way to be."

Michelle: That distinction is everything. "A thing to do" versus "a way to be." One is a task on your to-do list that can bring more guilt, and the other is a philosophy for living. Mark: And that's the core of the book. It’s a call to stop looking for answers in a bottle of green juice or a meditation app. Those are external. The real work, the lasting change, is internal. It’s about asking hard questions and making difficult choices. Michelle: It really reframes the whole conversation. The book is widely acclaimed, but I can see how it might be controversial for some readers. It's not offering an easy fix. It's asking you to do the work. Mark: It is. But it’s also incredibly liberating. It gives you permission to stop blaming yourself. It validates the feeling that the system is overwhelming because it is. Ultimately, the book reframes self-care from a consumer choice into a political act. Michelle: A political act. I love that. It’s not selfish; it’s self-preservation, which Audre Lorde called an act of political warfare. Mark: Exactly. Dr. Lakshmin says real self-care is your life raft in a stormy sea. And she argues that when enough of us build our own rafts, when enough of us start making these internal changes and asserting our power, the tide itself finally begins to shift. Michelle: That’s such a hopeful way to look at it. It gives you a sense of agency in a world that can feel completely out of control. It really makes you think... what's one 'faux self-care' activity you've been leaning on, and what would a 'real self-care' choice look like instead? Mark: That’s a powerful question for all of us to sit with. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Join the conversation on our social channels and let us know what resonates with you. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.