Mark: Michelle, I'm going to throw a wild statistic at you. A massive study of 50,000 managers found that if you're perceived as being 'low-warmth,' you have a one-in-two-thousand chance of being considered a top-tier leader. Michelle: One in two thousand? That's basically zero. So my brilliant ideas and my perfect spreadsheet skills mean nothing if I don't smile enough? Mark: That's the shocking truth we're diving into today. Competence is table stakes. Connection is the game-changer. And this idea is at the heart of a fantastic, super practical book we're discussing: Quick Confidence by Selena Rezvani. Michelle: Rezvani, right. I read that she has this incredible background—an MBA from Johns Hopkins but also a Master's in Social Work. That combination of business acumen and human empathy really shines through in her writing. Mark: Exactly. And this book actually grew out of a viral newsletter she started during the pandemic, which tells you how much people were craving this kind of authentic, actionable advice. It even became a Wall Street Journal bestseller. Michelle: That makes total sense. People are tired of being told to just 'fake it till you make it.' They want something real. Mark: And that's the perfect place to start, because the book’s first big idea completely flips the script on how we're told to make a good impression.

Mark: Rezvani argues that in any high-stakes situation, our instinct is to lead with competence. To prove we're smart, capable, and that we deserve to be there. But she says you need to prioritize warmth before competence. Michelle: Okay, hold on. That sounds nice, but in a job interview or a big pitch meeting, isn't the whole goal to blow them away with your expertise? I feel like I'd be wasting precious time on small talk when I should be dazzling them with data. Mark: I hear that, and it's what most of us think. But Rezvani shares this absolutely excruciating story from her own life that shows why that approach can be a disaster. Early in her consulting career, she landed a huge meeting to pitch a project to a tech CEO and his entire team. Michelle: Oh, I can feel the pressure already. Mark: Right. And to prepare, she created a massive, 64-slide presentation. She was determined to prove her expertise beyond a shadow of a doubt. She walked in, launched right into her pitch, and just dominated the conversation. She was so focused on delivering all 64 slides of her brilliant knowledge that she left no room for questions, no space for connection. Michelle: I’m cringing because I have been this person. The more nervous I am, the more I talk. It's like a firehose of information. Mark: It's a total firehose. And she describes watching the CEO's body language. He started leaning back. Then he physically pushed his chair away from the conference table. He was completely disengaging. When he finally managed to ask one single question, her mind went blank. Her own negative self-talk took over, and she just fumbled the answer. Michelle: That is a professional nightmare. She tried so hard to look competent that she ended up looking completely incompetent. Mark: Precisely. She lost the audience because she never built the foundation of trust. This gets back to that wild statistic. Research by Harvard's Amy Cuddy, which Rezvani cites, shows that people evaluate others on two primary dimensions: warmth and competence. Warmth, which is about trustworthiness and friendliness, has to come first. If people don't trust you, they won't be receptive to your competence. Your brilliant ideas will just bounce off them. Michelle: It’s like trying to teach someone a complex board game. If you just dump the rulebook on them, their eyes glaze over. But if you start by saying, 'This is a super fun game, we're going to have a great time,' they're much more willing to listen to the complicated parts. Mark: That's a perfect analogy. You have to establish that connection first. And Rezvani offers a really simple, almost funny, way to think about this. She calls it the 'Dog Code.' Michelle: The Dog Code? Are we talking about sniffing each other? Mark: Not quite. Think about a friendly dog. They don't wait for an invitation. They wag their tail, they approach you, they initiate contact. They assume you're a friend until proven otherwise. Rezvani says we should adopt that mindset in networking or meetings. Be the one to say hello first, to smile, to ask a question. Research on what she calls 'Vitamin S'—social connection—shows that these tiny, positive interactions boost happiness for both the initiator and the recipient. Michelle: I like that. It reframes initiating a conversation from being a scary, vulnerable act to being a small gift you're giving someone. You're giving them a little dose of 'Vitamin S.' Mark: Exactly. It’s about leading with generosity and warmth. You're not trying to prove you're the smartest person in the room. You're trying to prove you're the most interested. As one of her mentors told her, "The best way to be interesting is to be interested." Michelle: That’s a great line. Okay, so you've established warmth and made a great first impression using the Dog Code. But what happens when you're in the room, and you can just feel the power dynamic is off? When someone is subtly undermining you, no matter how warm you are? Mark: Ah, now we're getting into the deeper, more challenging part of the confidence game. And Rezvani has another powerful story for that.

Mark: She describes being in a huge conference room, about to present the findings of a global study that she lead-authored. The room is buzzing, full of executives. She's standing there, preparing, when a male executive across the room notices his coffee is off. He loudly bellows, "Excuuuuse meeeee!" and points at his mug, looking for help. Michelle: Oh no. Don't tell me... Mark: He scans the room, his eyes land on her, and he says, "Can you help me with this?" He assumed she was the receptionist or an assistant. Michelle: Wow. That is infuriating. And so insidious, because I'm sure he apologized once he realized his mistake, but the damage was done. It plants that seed of doubt in your mind: 'Do I not look like I belong here?' Mark: That's exactly her point. She calls it being 'rounded down.' People make a snap judgment based on their own biases and assign you a lower status. And she argues these aren't just one-off, awkward moments. They are microaggressions that, over a career, act like a 'slow escalator down,' chipping away at your confidence and your opportunities. Michelle: A slow escalator down. That’s a chillingly accurate description. Because each incident seems too small to make a big deal about, but they add up. Mark: They absolutely add up. So, the book provides these wonderfully practical, almost stealthy, techniques to rebalance that power without having to cause a big confrontation. The first one is to hang up the apology habit. Michelle: Oh, I am so guilty of this. I think I apologized to my desk chair this morning for bumping into it. Mark: We all do it! She tells a story about her nine-year-old daughter calling her out. She barely brushed a barista's hand and immediately said, "I'm sorry!" and her daughter just looked at her and asked, "Momma, what do you have to be sorry about?!" It was a wake-up call. Over-apologizing signals that you feel like you're a bother, that you're taking up too much space. Replacing "Sorry I'm late" with "Thank you for your patience" is a simple but powerful shift. Michelle: That’s a great, actionable tip. What's another one? Mark: This one is more advanced, and I'm curious what you'll think of it. She says we should learn to rock a 'Resting Neutral Face.' Michelle: A Resting Neutral Face? So I'm supposed to go into a meeting looking like a bored poker player? That feels... risky. Especially for women, there's so much pressure to be smiley and agreeable. Wouldn't that just come across as cold or uncooperative? Mark: That's the critical distinction she makes. It's not about being cold or having a 'Resting Bitch Face.' It's about being impartial and thoughtful, like a judge or a skilled poker player. Think of Vanessa Rousso, the poker pro. She wears sunglasses and headphones and keeps her expression completely unreadable. She's not being mean; she's concealing her 'tells.' Michelle: So you’re not giving away your reaction for free. Mark: Exactly. When you're faced with an invasive question or a comment that's meant to throw you off balance, your instinct might be to grimace or force a smile. An RNF buys you time. It creates a little bit of suspense. The other person doesn't know what you're thinking, which subtly shifts the power back to you. You get to control the reveal of your reaction. Michelle: Huh. I can see how that would be powerful. You’re not reacting on their terms; you’re responding on yours. It’s a strategic pause, but with your face. Mark: It's a facial strategic pause! It conveys that you're considering their words carefully, which is a power move in itself. You're not easily rattled.

Michelle: So, when you put these two big ideas together, it's a powerful one-two punch. You lead with warmth and the 'Dog Code' to build connection and trust, but you also have these subtle tools in your back pocket—like ditching the apologies and using a neutral face—to protect your space and rebalance power when you need to. It's both proactive and defensive. Mark: Exactly. And the deeper message here, the real through-line of the book, is that confidence isn't some magical internal state you have to achieve. Rezvani argues it's a set of skills you deploy. It’s not about puffing up your chest and 'faking it.' It's about mastering the micro-interactions that define how people perceive you. It's about knowing when to be warm and open, and when to be still and unreadable. That's authentic power. Michelle: I love that framing. It feels so much more achievable. You don't have to wake up feeling like a superhero. You just have to practice a few key skills. For anyone listening, maybe the one thing to try this week is to just notice how many times you apologize for something that isn't your fault. Just count them. Don't even try to stop, just build the awareness. Mark: That's a great challenge. The simple act of noticing is the first step. We'd love to hear what you discover. Find us on our socials and share your 'apology count' or any other confidence hacks you've found. We love continuing the conversation there. Michelle: It’s a journey for sure. But a worthwhile one. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.