Narrator: Imagine a man named Corey, deeply in love with his polyamorous partner. He knows he has an anxious attachment style and genuinely wants to build a secure, loving bond. He and his partner decide to listen to an audiobook on attachment theory, hoping for guidance. But as they listen, Corey grows discouraged. The advice is all about behaviors that don't fit his life—things like living together, sharing finances, or becoming a primary partner. The book assumes a monogamous world, leaving him feeling like his relationship style is an obstacle to security, rather than a valid path to love. This feeling of being lost, of trying to apply a map for one territory to a completely different landscape, is a common experience for many in non-monogamous relationships. It's this exact gap that psychotherapist Jessica Fern addresses in her groundbreaking book, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, offering a new map for navigating love and connection beyond traditional boundaries.

Narrator: At its core, attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, explains our innate human need to form deep emotional bonds for safety and survival. These bonds, first formed with caregivers, create a blueprint for our adult relationships. A securely attached person feels confident that their partner is a "safe haven" in times of distress and a "secure base" from which to explore the world. However, as Corey's story illustrates, the vast majority of literature and advice on attachment is deeply "mononormative"—it assumes that a dyadic, exclusive relationship is the only, or superior, path to security.

Fern argues this creates a significant problem. It can lead those in Consensual Nonmonogamous (CNM) relationships to feel pathologized, as if their desire for multiple connections is a symptom of an attachment deficit. Furthermore, the advice offered is often irrelevant. When security is tied to structural markers like marriage, cohabitation, or being a "primary" partner, it leaves those in less hierarchical or non-cohabitating relationships without a clear path. Fern dismantles this assumption, asserting that true security is not created by a relationship structure, but by the quality of the experience between partners—the consistent responsiveness, attunement, and emotional presence they offer one another.

Narrator: Fern introduces a powerful concept called the "Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma," which radically expands the lens through which we view security. She argues that our sense of safety isn't just shaped by our one-on-one relationships. Instead, it's influenced by a series of interconnected levels, like Russian nesting dolls.

The innermost level is the Self, including our temperament and personal history. The next level is Relationships with partners and family. But crucially, Fern adds other layers: the Home level, which considers the physical and emotional safety of our living environment; the Community level, including our experiences at work or in social groups; the Societal level, which encompasses systemic forces like prejudice and economic stability; and finally, the Global level, which includes collective traumas and environmental anxiety.

To illustrate, Fern tells the story of a client who had a secure bond with her parents but moved homes four times in a few short years. This instability at the "Home" level created a deep-seated anxiety that impacted her adult relationships. She struggled to trust that her partner's affection could be stable and enduring, because her early life taught her that every time she got comfortable, the rug would be ripped out from under her. This model shows that feeling insecure isn't always about a partner's actions; it can be a rupture at any level of our experience.

Narrator: While monogamy offers the promise of security—the idea of being someone's "one and only"—Fern points out that CNM is, by its nature, structurally insecure. There is no built-in guarantee of primacy or exclusivity. This lack of structure can be a positive thing, preventing complacency and encouraging active investment in relationships. However, for someone with an insecure attachment style, it can be terrifying.

Fern explains that when our attachment system perceives a threat to a crucial bond, it can trigger what she calls "primal panic." This isn't just jealousy; it's a deep, physiological fear of abandonment that feels like a threat to survival. In CNM, this can be activated when a partner develops strong feelings for someone new or when time and attention are divided. The experience is often mislabeled as simple jealousy, leading to shame and ineffective coping strategies. Fern argues that understanding this as a legitimate attachment response is the first step. It allows individuals and their partners to address the root fear of disconnection, rather than just managing the surface-level emotion of jealousy.

Narrator: To provide a practical path forward, Fern developed the HEARTS acronym, a set of six relational practices for cultivating secure attachment in any relationship, but especially in CNM.

• Here (Being Present): Giving a partner undivided, quality attention. * Expressed Delight: Actively showing joy and appreciation for a partner's unique qualities. * Attunement: Emotionally tuning in to a partner's inner world and feeling what they feel. * Rituals & Routines: Creating predictable patterns of connection, from daily check-ins to special traditions. * Turning Towards After Conflict: Making a conscious effort to repair disagreements and reconnect. * Secure Attachment with Self: The foundation upon which all else is built.

Fern shares a personal story of presenting at a conference while she was nursing her infant son. Her co-parent, Dave, acted as her secure base by taking care of their son, freeing her to focus on her work. Meanwhile, her other partner, Sam, acted as her safe haven by being available for a phone call afterward to help her debrief and process her emotions. This beautifully illustrates how in polyamory, different partners can fulfill different attachment needs, creating a robust support network. It’s not about one person being everything, but about co-creating a web of security.

Narrator: The final and most crucial element of Fern's model is the "S" in HEARTS: Secure Attachment with Self. She argues that while relationships with others are healing, we cannot place the entire burden of our security on our partners. The ultimate goal is to cultivate an internal "safe haven" and "secure base." This is what she calls "earned secure attachment"—the ability to develop a secure way of being in the world even if you didn't have it in childhood.

This involves applying the HEART principles inward: being Here with your own feelings, Expressing Delight in yourself, Attuning to your own needs, creating Rituals of self-care, and Turning Towards yourself with compassion after a mistake. Fern tells of a conference attendee who, after hearing this talk, realized all her partners were safe havens, but none were secure bases pushing her to grow. Instead of asking them to change, she decided to become her own secure base. Within months, she had started the blog she’d always dreamed of and renovated a vintage car. She learned to champion her own growth, which is the essence of being truly polysecure.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Polysecure is that security is not a product of a relationship's structure, but a function of its quality and, most critically, the quality of the relationship you have with yourself. Monogamy doesn't guarantee security, and nonmonogamy doesn't preclude it. True security is an active, co-created process built on presence, attunement, and repair.

Jessica Fern's work challenges us to stop asking if a relationship looks secure from the outside and start asking if it feels secure on the inside. It pushes us to take radical responsibility for our own emotional well-being, transforming security from something we demand from others into something we cultivate within ourselves and share as a gift.