Narrator: What does a parent do when their ten-year-old son, Garrett, responds to every single request with the same frustrating question: "Do I have to, Dad?" For author and pastor Andy Stanley, the initial, automatic response was always, "Yes, Garrett, you have to." But one day, the reality of the situation struck him. He couldn't actually make his son do anything. He couldn't force him to pick up his room or take out the trash. After a certain age, parental authority shifts from control to influence. This realization is the central conflict explored in Parenting: Getting It Right, by Andy and Sandra Stanley. The book serves as a roadmap for parents, guiding them away from a short-sighted focus on immediate compliance and toward the long-term goal of building a lasting, loving relationship with their children.

Narrator: Many parents are so consumed by the daily whirlwind of tasks—getting kids fed, dressed, and to school—that they never pause to define what they are actually aiming for. They lack a clear goal, an "it" that guides their decisions. The Stanleys argue that if parents do not define their own win, external forces like culture, circumstances, or even their children's reactions will define it for them.

On a long car ride to a family vacation, with their infant son Andrew in the back, Andy and Sandra decided to set their own goal. Inspired by Sandra's close-knit family, they established a "North Star" to guide every parenting decision they would make. Their goal was simple yet profound: to raise "kids who enjoy being with us and with each other even when they no longer have to be." This single objective reframed everything. It meant that the ultimate prize was not a well-behaved child, a star athlete, or a valedictorian, but an adult child who would one day choose to be in a relationship with them. This relational end-game became the filter for their discipline, their schedules, and the words they chose, ensuring every action was an investment in a future friendship.

Narrator: The Stanleys propose that parenting is not a static role but an evolving one that moves through four distinct stages. Successfully navigating these transitions is critical to maintaining influence and connection.

The first stage is the Discipline Years, from birth to age five. Here, the primary role is that of a director. The goal is to teach children that actions have consequences. Sandra Stanley recalls an incident at a restaurant where a friend's two-year-old daughter, Hannah, defiantly reached for a third hush puppy after being told no. Her father immediately and calmly removed her from the table for discipline. The consequence was swift and clear. This stage is about establishing non-negotiable boundaries around behaviors like disobedience, dishonesty, and disrespect.

Next are the Training Years, from ages five to twelve. The parent's role shifts from director to coach. It is no longer enough to just give rules; parents must now explain the "why" behind them and help turn values into habits. The authors compare this to the intense preparation of an Olympic athlete like Kerri Strug, who, despite an injury, could perform a gold-medal-winning vault because of years of ingrained training. This is the stage for teaching skills like delayed gratification and financial literacy.

The Coaching Years, from twelve to eighteen, require another significant shift. As teenagers seek independence, parents must move to the sidelines. The goal is to "connect over correct." This means cultivating constant conversation, allowing them to fail in safe ways, and getting interested in what interests them.

Finally, the Friendship Years, from eighteen onward, are the culmination of the previous stages. If parents have successfully disciplined, trained, and coached, they earn the reward of a genuine friendship with their adult children, built on mutual respect and love.

Narrator: A core argument in the book is that punishment and discipline are not the same thing. Punishment makes a child suffer for what they did, often leading to bitterness. Discipline, however, aims to make a child better by teaching them how to restore a relationship they have damaged. The Stanleys call this using "designer consequences."

This approach has two key components: confession and restitution. When a child misbehaves, the parent’s first response should not be anger, but a calm "Oh no!" This simple phrase communicates empathy and sides with the child against their action, preserving the relationship. The focus then shifts to helping the child understand who they have wronged and how they can make it right.

Sandra shares a powerful story of when her two sons, then eight and ten, were deeply disrespectful to their babysitter, Pam. The next morning, instead of grounding them, Sandra designed a consequence to restore the relationship. She had the boys write apology notes, use their own money to buy flowers, and drive to Pam's office. There, in front of Pam's colleagues, they had to present the flowers and apologize. The boys were mortified, but the lesson was unforgettable. They learned that disrespect damages relationships and that they were responsible for repairing that damage.

Narrator: The Stanleys assert that children understand love through two primary currencies: time and words. How parents invest these resources has a profound impact on the parent-child relationship.

Time, they argue, must be loved on the calendar. When starting their church, Andy was working unsustainable hours. Sandra told him her ideal was for him to be home by 4 PM. Andy made the radical decision to adjust his work schedule, telling his staff, "Don’t give up what’s unique to you for something someone else can do." He was the only one who could be a husband to Sandra and a father to his kids. This commitment to prioritizing family on the schedule demonstrated their value far more than words could.

Parental words carry extraordinary weight, and the authors identify three dynamics: negative words outweigh positive ones, the source of the words determines their impact, and a parent's intent is irrelevant. Andy recalls being sixteen and growing his hair long like the rock star Peter Frampton. His mother loved it, but his father hated it. When Andy finally cut it, his father remarked, "Now you look like my son." The comment, though perhaps unintentional, wounded Andy for years. The lesson is that parents must be intentional with their words, using them to build up and affirm, and apologizing quickly and sincerely when they cause harm.

Narrator: The book posits that one of the greatest parenting tools is a healthy marriage. The relationship between parents creates the emotional climate of the home and becomes a foundational part of the story their children will tell. Sandra developed a simple habit to reinforce this. Whenever she got off the phone with Andy and the kids were within earshot, she would say, "I love that man." This small, consistent act honored her husband and provided a deep sense of security for her children.

Regarding faith, the goal is not to "eternity-proof" children with a set of rules but to help them develop a personal, practical faith of their own. This involves teaching them to pray, to pay attention to the condition of their own hearts, and to seek God's will for their lives. Andy tells a story about his son Garrett, who was considering buying a house. When Sandra offered to provide the funds for a surefire all-cash offer, Garrett declined. He explained that taking the offer would remove the "faith element" and the opportunity to see if God would close the door. This demonstrated a faith that was his own, not just inherited.

Narrator: The book's final, most challenging message addresses a parent's greatest fear: what to do when a child questions or walks away from their faith. The Stanleys' advice is unequivocal: parent with the relationship in mind.

When their son Andrew was seven, he announced, "I don’t believe in God anymore." Instead of panicking, Andy calmly asked questions and gave him space, gently checking in over the following months. He made it clear that his love was unconditional. Eventually, Andrew came back and said, "I think I have my faith back." The key was that the relationship was never threatened. The authors urge parents not to let their faith get in the way of their relationship with their children. If a child feels they must leave their parents to leave their faith, something is wrong. The relational drawbridge must always be kept down, anchored in the knowledge that you loved them before they believed anything, and you will love them no matter what.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Parenting: Getting It Right is that parenting is a long game. The goal is not to win the daily battles for control but to cultivate a lifelong, voluntary friendship with your children. This requires a monumental shift in perspective, where the primary objective is not obedience but connection, and where every decision is filtered through the question: "Will this help my child want to be with me when they no longer have to be?"

The book's most profound challenge asks parents to look inward, especially when a child's choices diverge from their own. It forces them to consider whether their faith is a bridge for connection or a wall of judgment. The ultimate question for any parent is this: Is your approach building a foundation for a future friendship, or is it creating a divide that will one day leave you on opposite sides of a chasm?