Narrator: Imagine being in a relationship for 18 months, one filled with drama, broken promises, and the constant, gnawing hope that the man you love will finally leave his girlfriend for you. Then, one day, you have a severe panic attack in public. Instead of offering comfort, he puts you on the Tube alone, a stark and brutal symbol of your actual place in his life. This isn't a scene from a movie; it was the painful reality for Natalie Lue, a turning point that forced her to confront a devastating pattern in her life.

This cycle of attracting and staying with emotionally unavailable partners is the central conflict explored in Lue’s book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It serves as a guide for anyone who has ever felt like a perpetual second choice, offering a clear-eyed analysis of why these draining relationships happen and, more importantly, how to break free.

Narrator: At the heart of this dynamic are two distinct roles: Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Mr. Unavailable is not always a villain; he can be charming, attentive, and seemingly kind. His unavailability, however, is revealed through his actions—or lack thereof. He is a master of ambiguity and inconsistency, offering just enough attention, affection, and hints of a future to keep the Fallback Girl invested, a strategy Lue calls dealing in "crumbs." He avoids true emotional intimacy and resists any form of genuine commitment, often because he is already in another relationship, is not over an ex, or is simply incapable of deep connection.

A chilling story from the book illustrates this perfectly. An ex-wife lies on her deathbed, and her former husband, a classic Mr. Unavailable, comes to visit. Knowing she will pass away the next day, he professes his undying love and even proposes marriage. It’s a grand gesture, but it’s completely hollow. He makes the ultimate commitment only when there is zero risk or responsibility involved. This is the essence of Mr. Unavailable: he is willing to promise the world, but only when he knows he’ll never have to deliver.

The Fallback Girl is the one who accepts these crumbs. She is the woman who accommodates his schedule, makes excuses for his behavior, and invests in the potential of the man, not the reality. She often has her own underlying issues with self-esteem and a fear of abandonment, making her susceptible to the intermittent reinforcement Mr. Unavailable provides.

Narrator: Mr. Unavailable maintains control of the relationship through a manipulative pattern of blowing hot and cold. When he feels the Fallback Girl pulling away or losing interest, he "blows hot"—becoming intensely attentive, affectionate, and charming. He might shower her with compliments, plan romantic dates, or talk about a future together. This creates a surge of hope and reaffirms her belief that the relationship is worth fighting for.

However, once he has her confidence back, or if he feels the relationship is getting too serious and demanding real commitment, he "blows cold." He becomes distant, unresponsive, and emotionally withdrawn. This sudden shift creates anxiety and confusion, causing the Fallback Girl to question what she did wrong. As Lue explains, this isn't random; it's a tactic to manage her expectations downwards. By doing this, he ensures she becomes grateful for even the smallest gestures of affection.

A key part of this cycle is what Lue calls the "Reset Button." After a period of blowing cold or behaving badly, Mr. Unavailable will reappear and act as if nothing happened. He expects to pick up right where they left off, conveniently erasing his transgressions. The Fallback Girl, often desperate for a return to the "hot" phase, frequently accepts this, and the dysfunctional cycle continues, with the relationship never truly progressing.

Narrator: One of the most powerful tools in Mr. Unavailable’s arsenal is "Future Faking." This is the act of making promises about a future that he has no intention of creating. He might talk about marriage, moving in together, or taking a trip to Paris, not because he wants those things, but because saying them gets him what he wants in the present—whether that’s sex, an ego boost, or simply keeping the Fallback Girl on the hook.

Lue explains that this behavior is rooted in a fundamental disconnect between words and actions. A classic example from the book is the simple, domestic task of taking out the bins. A woman repeatedly asks her partner to do it. After significant nagging, he takes them out for three days in a row. When he stops again and she confronts him, he points to those three days as proof of his effort, completely ignoring the countless times he failed to do it.

This is how Mr. Unavailable operates on a larger scale. He uses grand, but isolated, gestures and promises to mask a consistent pattern of unreliability. The Fallback Girl, in turn, clings to these words and moments, dining on the illusion of a committed relationship while starving for real, consistent action. As Lue states, the truth is simple: "No action means no relationship."

Narrator: A woman doesn't become a Fallback Girl by accident. Lue argues that this pattern is deeply rooted in her own history and psychology. The primary driver is low self-esteem. A woman who doesn't believe she is worthy of consistent love and respect will be more likely to accept the crumbs offered by a Mr. Unavailable. She seeks external validation because she cannot provide it for herself.

This is often compounded by unresolved parental issues. For example, a woman who grew up with an emotionally absent father may unconsciously seek out unavailable men in adulthood, trying to finally "win" the love and approval she never received as a child. She is, in effect, replaying a painful childhood dynamic, hoping for a different outcome.

These experiences create a set of negative beliefs about love, such as "I'm not good enough" or "All the good men are taken." These beliefs act as a self-fulfilling prophecy. By believing she is destined for rejection, the Fallback Girl chooses partners who will inevitably reject her, reinforcing the very beliefs that keep her trapped. She becomes, as Lue puts it, "attracted to and ‘comfortable’ with Mr Unavailable because you’re emotionally unavailable too."

Narrator: Moving forward is not about finding the magic words to change Mr. Unavailable; it's about changing oneself. Lue is adamant that Mr. Unavailable will not change, because the current dynamic benefits him. The responsibility for breaking the cycle lies entirely with the Fallback Girl. The most critical step is implementing what Lue calls a "closed-door policy," most effectively enforced through a strict "No Contact Rule."

Mr. Unavailable operates on an open-door policy. Any form of contact—a text, a social media "like," or a conversation through a mutual friend—is seen as an invitation to keep the connection alive. He will often reappear precisely when he senses the Fallback Girl is moving on, just to keep her as an option.

The story of the "Childhood Sweetheart Returns" is a powerful warning. A man reappears after decades, often when the woman is at her most vulnerable. He uses nostalgia and shared history to get a foothold back in her life, only to reveal he is just as unavailable as he was before, leaving her devastated once again. This demonstrates the danger of leaving the door even slightly ajar.

Closing the door means cutting off all contact until she is fully over him. It means prioritizing her own well-being over the false hope of his return. It requires facing the discomfort of finality and learning to validate herself, rather than seeking it from someone who is incapable of giving it.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is that the power to break free from toxic relationship patterns lies within. It is not about fixing, changing, or understanding the unavailable partner, but about turning the focus inward to heal one's own wounds, challenge negative beliefs, and build unshakable self-worth. The book is a declaration that you are not an option, and you must stop behaving like one.

Ultimately, Natalie Lue challenges readers to ask themselves a difficult question: Are you willing to trade the familiar pain of a dysfunctional dynamic for the uncomfortable but liberating work of building a life where you are the priority? Good things don't feel bad, and it's time to stop settling for anything less.