Mark: Most people think the problem with masculinity is that the definition is too narrow. What if the real problem is that it has a definition at all? Michelle: Whoa, okay. So, you’re not talking about just adding more colors to the box, but getting rid of the box entirely? That feels… radical. Mark: Precisely. It’s the foundational question at the heart of Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity by Justin Baldoni. Michelle: Right, the actor from Jane the Virgin. It's fascinating that this book comes from someone who, on the surface, seems to embody so many traditional masculine ideals—a successful, handsome Hollywood actor. You'd think he'd have it all figured out. Mark: And that's his entire point. He says that even with all that privilege, he felt completely trapped by the script. This book is the culmination of a journey that really took off with his viral TED talk and his digital series, also called Man Enough. He came to this powerful conclusion: we don't need to redefine masculinity; we need to undefine it. Michelle: I like that distinction. Redefining still implies there's a right way to do it, a new set of rules. Undefining sounds like freedom. Mark: It's a complete paradigm shift. He argues that trying to be "man enough" is a game you can never win, because the goalposts are always moving and they’re set by a culture that profits from our insecurity. The only way to win is to stop playing.

Mark: And this "script" he talks about, this game, forces men to wear what he calls a suit of armor. It’s heavy, it’s restrictive, and you often forget you even have it on. He has this incredible, visceral story from when he was a teenager that just perfectly captures this. Michelle: Oh, I'm ready. Lay it on me. Mark: He’s with his friends at a local spot, a bridge over a raging river. It’s a rite of passage for boys in his town to jump. But Justin is terrified of heights. As he’s standing there, hesitating, his friend Tim, already in the water, yells up at him, "Jump, Boner! Don’t be a pussy!" Michelle: Ugh, of course. The ultimate verbal weapon against a teenage boy. "Don't be a girl." Mark: Exactly. And Baldoni writes, "I was more scared of being seen as 'less than,' as inferior, than I was of missing the three-foot opening of rock-less water and paralyzing myself." So, after a few false starts, he jumps. He screams the whole way down. And when he surfaces, his friends are cheering. He did it. He was brave. Michelle: That's gut-wrenching. That’s not bravery; it’s a performance born from social terror. The fear of being shamed by your peers is literally more powerful than the fear of death or paralysis. That’s an insane calculation to force on a child. Mark: It is. And it’s what the brilliant writer bell hooks, whom he quotes, calls "psychic self-mutilation." She argues that patriarchy's first act of violence against males isn't towards women; it's demanding that boys kill off the emotional, vulnerable parts of themselves. They have to sever the connection between their head and their heart to survive socially. Michelle: And this armor isn't just emotional, is it? The book makes a strong case that it's physical, too. The pressure to be 'Big Enough.' Mark: A huge part of it. He talks about the "Adonis Complex," this obsessive, often hidden crisis of male body image. He shares his own experience as a young actor on the show Everwood, where he felt his entire value was being reduced to his shirtless scenes. He’d spend weeks avoiding carbs and hours in the gym, all driven by this deep-seated anxiety about his body. Michelle: It’s the same toxic trap that women have been navigating for centuries, just with a different set of impossible physical standards. Instead of thinness, it’s about V-shaped torsos and bulging biceps. Mark: Absolutely. And he points to how this is programmed into boys from childhood. He cites data showing how the G.I. Joe action figure has evolved. In the 70s, G.I. Joe had the physique of a normal, athletic man. Today, his biceps have ballooned to a size that would be physically impossible for a human to achieve without steroids. We're handing boys a blueprint for a body that doesn't exist in nature and telling them, "This is what a hero looks like." Michelle: So the armor is both invisible—the suppressed fear—and visible—the sculpted, perfect body. And you have to maintain both at all times. That sounds utterly exhausting. Mark: It is. And the most dangerous part is that you start to believe the armor is you. You forget who you are underneath it all.

Mark: And of course, performing 24/7 is not only exhausting, it comes at a staggering cost to your relationships. This is where the book pivots to what he calls the "boy code"—the unwritten, toxic rules of male friendship. Michelle: Ah, the loyalty pledge. I have a feeling this is where things get really messy. It’s the idea that you have to have your buddy’s back, no matter what, right? Mark: No matter what. Even when it violates your own conscience. He tells this haunting story from a high school party. He’s the designated driver, sober, just watching. And he sees one of his teammates, a friend, hooking up with a girl who is not his girlfriend. Baldoni is furious. He knows it's deeply wrong, but he stays silent. He doesn't say a word. Michelle: Why? Because calling him out would be a betrayal of the 'club'? It would break the code? Mark: Precisely. He writes that boys are socialized to believe their value and worth are determined by their solidarity with other boys. In that quest to belong, you end up being allegiant to the "man script," not the actual man. And he says the first person you betray in that process is yourself. You sever your own moral compass to stay in the group. Michelle: That is so powerfully put. And it creates this profound loneliness, doesn't it? If you can't be authentic or vulnerable with your closest friends, you're essentially alone even when you're in a crowd. Mark: You are. And it begs the question: if you're wearing all this armor, if you're following this script, how on earth can you build an authentic romantic relationship? You can't. Michelle: This is where he brings in that fantastic analogy about building a relationship, right? The movie set versus the real house. Mark: Yes! It's one of the best takeaways from the book. He says, from his experience in Hollywood, that so many modern relationships are built like movie sets. They look incredible from the front—perfect Instagram photos, romantic gestures—but if you walk around back, you see it's just plywood and scaffolding. There's no foundation, no plumbing, no wiring. It's not built to withstand a storm. Michelle: It’s a facade. It’s built for appearance, not for living in. Mark: Exactly. He argues a real relationship, like the one he had to learn to build with his wife, Emily, has to be constructed like a real house. It starts with a deep foundation—investigating character, values, and past traumas. It's slow, it's messy, and it requires you to deal with all the "shit," which he beautifully reframes as the fertilizer for growth. You have to be willing to get your hands dirty to build something that lasts. Michelle: I love that. It’s about building something that can handle the inevitable hurricanes of life, not just look good on a sunny day. It means you have to show your partner the messy blueprints, not just the finished, polished exterior. Mark: And to do that, you have to be willing to take off the armor. You have to be willing to be seen, truly seen, without the performance.

Michelle: So when you put it all together, the central argument seems to be that this armor of masculinity—the fake bravery, the impossible body, the toxic loyalty—it's sold to men as a source of strength, but it actually just isolates them. Mark: That's the great paradox. The very things that are supposed to make you "man enough" are what prevent you from being human enough. They stop you from connecting authentically with yourself, with your friends, and with your romantic partners. Baldoni's whole journey is about realizing that surrendering the need to play that game isn't defeat; it's liberation. Michelle: And it’s interesting what you said earlier about his background. While some critics have pointed out that the book might feel a bit introductory for those already deep in gender studies, its real power seems to come from its source. Hearing this from a Hollywood leading man gives a huge audience of men permission to even begin this conversation. Mark: I think that's exactly right. He's using his privilege to deconstruct the very system that granted it to him. He’s not claiming to be a gender theorist; he’s offering his own story as a vulnerable invitation. And that's where its impact lies. Michelle: So what's the final takeaway? If we're supposed to 'undefine' masculinity, what do we hold on to? Mark: He ends with a beautiful and simple idea, quoting the incredible researcher Dr. Brené Brown. She says, "Don't walk through the world looking for evidence that you don't belong, because you will always find it... We carry our worth and our belonging inside of our hearts." Michelle: Wow. So it’s not about finding a new definition or a new set of rules to follow. It’s about remembering a truth that was there all along, before the world told us who we were supposed to be. Mark: Exactly. The book doesn't give you a new map. It just gives you permission to throw the old one away and trust your own internal compass. The final message is simply: You are enough. Not man enough, not woman enough. Just human enough. Michelle: A powerful and deeply necessary invitation. It encourages us all to drop the armor and see what happens when we just show up as we are. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.