Narrator: Six weeks after her wedding, Karen Ehman found herself sobbing on her bedroom floor, overcome with what she called "bridal remorse." The fairytale she had envisioned—a life of constant happiness and effortless romance—had collided with the stark reality of burnt dinners, disagreements, and lonely walks after arguments. She cried out to God, questioning if she had married the wrong person or if she was simply not cut out to be a wife. This moment of disillusionment, a painful gap between expectation and reality, is a feeling many couples experience but few discuss openly. It’s in this vulnerable space that Karen Ehman’s book, Keep Showing Up: How to Stay Crazy in Love When Your Love Drives You Crazy, offers its most profound wisdom, providing a roadmap for navigating the messy, beautiful, and refining journey of marriage.

Narrator: At the heart of early marital struggles lies a trio of troublemakers: baggage, expectations, and perceptions. Ehman argues that many conflicts are not born in the present moment but are rooted in these three powerful forces. Baggage represents the past experiences, family dynamics, and ingrained thought patterns each partner brings into the union. Expectations, often shaped by cultural narratives and idealized media portrayals, create a blueprint for a perfect marriage that reality can never match. Finally, perceptions—the assumptions and beliefs we form based on incomplete information—can turn a simple misunderstanding into a major conflict.

Ehman illustrates this with her own wedding day spat. As the ceremony concluded, she noticed her new husband, Todd, wasn't smiling. Her perception was that he was unhappy or having second thoughts. When she whispered for him to smile, he explained that his face simply hurt from holding a grin for so long. Her perception was wrong, but it created a moment of tension on what should have been a joyous occasion. This "trio of trouble" explains why so many couples, like Ehman, experience disillusionment. The solution is not to find a flawless partner but to proactively address these forces by believing the best, asking clarifying questions, and understanding that the purpose of marriage isn't to fulfill a fairytale, but to reflect a much deeper, more resilient kind of love.

Narrator: A common source of marital friction is the belief that "different equals wrong." Couples often enter a relationship drawn to each other's unique qualities, only to later find those same differences to be sources of irritation. Ehman challenges this perspective with a powerful metaphor: the "sandpaper spouse." She recalls an eighth-grade industrial arts class where she had to sand a block of pine wood. Using coarse, then medium, then fine-grade sandpaper, she smoothed its rough edges until it was ready to be finished.

Ehman suggests that our spouses, with their different habits, opinions, and personalities, act as sandpaper in our lives. Their irritating qualities have the potential to smooth our own rough edges—our impatience, our pride, our selfishness. Rather than trying to change a partner or viewing their differences as flaws, we can choose to see them as a tool for our own growth and refinement. This requires a significant mindset shift, moving from frustration to a posture of learning. It means recognizing that, as one of Ehman's friends wisely noted, if two partners were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary. The goal is not sameness, but a complementary union where each person's uniqueness contributes to the strength and beauty of the whole, much like the interwoven threads of durable twill fabric.

Narrator: Conflict in marriage is not a sign of failure; it is an inevitability. The critical question is whether a disagreement will become a destructive duel or a constructive duet. Ehman uses the analogy of J-B Weld, a powerful two-part epoxy. When the resin and the hardener are mixed, the chemical reaction generates heat, but the result is a bond far stronger than either substance alone. Similarly, the "heat" of conflict, when combined with grace and forgiveness, can forge a more resilient and united relationship.

To turn a duel into a duet, couples need clear rules of engagement. This means avoiding superlatives like "you always" or "you never," sticking to the facts of the current issue rather than dredging up historical grievances, and expressing feelings with "I" statements instead of assigning motives with "you" statements. It also means knowing when to apologize and, just as importantly, when to forgive. Ehman stresses the biblical principle of not letting the sun go down on your anger, not to force a resolution, but to prevent bitterness from taking root. By redeeming conflict instead of avoiding or savoring it, couples can transform friction into a force for deeper connection and understanding.

Narrator: Over time, the initial sizzle of romance can fade into the routine of daily life. Ehman notes that many long-term couples lose that "lovin' feelin'" not because the love is gone, but because their definition of romance is too narrow. True, lasting love is not found in grand, cinematic gestures, but in the small, consistent, and often mundane acts of service and commitment.

She shares a personal story about her evolving view of a romantic gesture. Early in her marriage, she would have been disappointed with a simple bouquet of grocery store flowers. But as life became more complicated with a mortgage and children, she came to see the beauty in her husband finding a discounted bunch of roses. The gesture wasn't about the price tag; it was about the thought. This is the essence of finding magic in the mundane. Ehman builds on this by highlighting the importance of understanding Dr. Gary Chapman's five love languages. For years, she felt unloved because her husband, Todd, showed his affection through "acts of service," while her primary love language was "words of affirmation." Once they understood this difference, they could learn to speak love in a way the other could hear. A strong marriage is built not on waiting for romance to happen, but on actively creating it through small, daily acts of honor and generosity.

Narrator: A marriage can be strengthened by looking beyond itself and uniting around a shared purpose. Ehman argues that every couple is a unique team, equipped with a distinct blend of gifts, passions, and experiences that can be used to serve others. Finding and pursuing a joint mission provides a sense of camaraderie and helps couples grow toward each other instead of apart.

This mission doesn't have to be a grand, formal ministry. Ehman shares examples of couples who found their purpose in simple, local ways. One young couple opened their home to the church youth group, providing a safe space for teenagers to gather. Another couple served quietly in the background at their church, setting up chairs and cleaning, enabling the success of other ministries. Ehman and her husband found their mission in opening their home to their children's friends, many from broken homes, which eventually led to two of the teens giving their lives to Christ. A shared mission, supported by a "safety net" of encouraging Christian friends, gives a marriage a higher purpose, reminding the couple that their union is not just for their own happiness but for the glory of God and the good of others.

Narrator: The ultimate message of the book is that a healthy marriage requires a constant willingness to start over. This is rooted in the daily practice of forgiveness and a humble recognition of one's own faults. Ehman references the writer G.K. Chesterton, who, when asked by a newspaper "What is wrong with the world?" simply replied, "Dear Sir, I am." This posture of self-awareness is critical in marriage. Progress begins when we stop focusing on our spouse's flaws and start tending to our own.

This principle is powerfully illustrated in the story of Chris and Cindy. Their marriage was shattered when Chris confessed to infidelity, including fathering a child with another woman. By any worldly standard, the marriage was over. Yet, Cindy felt God prompting her to trust Him and stay. It was a long, painful process of rebuilding, but today their marriage is a picture of redemption. They chose to start over, relying on God's grace. This is the essence of "keeping show up." It is the choice to honor a commitment, to forgive as you have been forgiven, and to believe that with God, every morning brings new mercy and a fresh start.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Keep Showing Up is that marriage is not a destination you arrive at, but a journey of continuous, intentional effort. It is a commitment to persevere through disillusionment, to embrace differences as opportunities for growth, and to forgive relentlessly. The book challenges the cultural script of self-fulfillment and replaces it with a call to selfless love and service.

Its most challenging idea is also its most liberating: the primary agent of change in your marriage is you. By focusing on your own spiritual growth, your own attitude, and your own willingness to love, you can create an environment where the relationship can heal and thrive. The ultimate purpose of marriage, Ehman suggests, is not simply to make you happy, but to make you holy—to refine your character and reflect the steadfast, unconditional love of God to a watching world. The question it leaves us with is not "Is my spouse the right person for me?" but "Am I striving to be the right person for my spouse?"