Narrator: In 2014, Logan Ury, a behavioral scientist working at Google, was commuting home on the company shuttle, swiping through Tinder. She came across the profile of a man named Scott. They had attended the same college and had mutual friends, but his photos—featuring a backward baseball hat and a tank top—led her to make a snap judgment. He seemed like a "bro," which was not her type. She swiped left, rejecting him. Months later, they met in person through a friend, and she discovered her initial assessment was completely wrong. Today, they are married.

This personal misstep, a moment where data and filters led to a near-miss with a life partner, is at the heart of Ury's book, Intentionally Irrational: How to Make Smart Decisions About Love. She argues that while love may feel like a natural instinct, modern dating is a skill that can be learned. By applying insights from behavioral science, anyone can overcome their hidden biases, break destructive patterns, and make more deliberate choices to find and build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

Narrator: Ury's first major insight is that most people's dating struggles stem from one of three hidden mindsets, or "dating tendencies," each driven by a different set of unrealistic expectations. Identifying which tendency you lean toward is the first step to changing your behavior.

The first is The Romanticizer. With a motto of "It'll happen when it's meant to happen," the Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations about relationships. They believe in soulmates and fairy-tale love stories, assuming that the right relationship will be effortless. They passively wait to be found by "the one" and often dismiss good partners if they don't feel an immediate, magical "spark."

The second is The Maximizer. Their motto is "Why settle?" Maximizers have unrealistic expectations of their partner. They treat dating like a research project, endlessly searching for the absolute best option. Paralyzed by the paradox of choice in the age of dating apps, they constantly wonder if they could be 5 percent happier with someone else. This fear of making the wrong decision often prevents them from making any decision at all, leading to chronic dissatisfaction and an inability to commit.

Finally, there is The Hesitater. Their motto is "I'll wait until I'm a catch." Hesitaters have unrealistic expectations of themselves. They believe they aren't ready to date until they’ve lost ten pounds, gotten a promotion, or finished therapy. They put dating on hold indefinitely, waiting for a perfect version of themselves that may never arrive, and in doing so, miss out on the crucial experience of learning about themselves through the process of dating.

Narrator: Once a person understands their tendency, Ury argues they must fundamentally shift what they look for in a partner. This leads to the second key insight: look for a life partner, not a prom date. A "prom date" is someone who is exciting, attractive, and fun in the short term. A "life partner," however, is someone with the traits necessary for long-term success, like kindness, loyalty, emotional stability, and a growth mindset.

Ury illustrates this with her own experience dating a man she calls "Burning Man Brian." He was spontaneous and exciting, and the initial connection was electric. But he was also unreliable and inconsistent. She realized she was optimizing for the thrill of a prom date, not the stability of a life partner.

Behavioral science explains this error through the "present bias," our tendency to prioritize immediate gratification over long-term rewards. We focus on superficial qualities like looks and shared hobbies because they are easy to evaluate on a first date. However, research shows that these qualities have little to no correlation with long-term relationship happiness. Qualities like how a partner handles conflict, their ability to make you feel secure, and whether they bring out the best in you are far more predictive of success, but they take longer to assess.

Narrator: This new focus requires a new approach to modern dating, which brings us to the third insight: challenge the myth of "the spark" and learn to date smarter. Ury argues that the obsession with instant chemistry is one of the most dangerous ideas in modern dating. It leads people to dismiss partners who could be a "slow burn"—a connection that grows steadily over time.

To illustrate this, she tells the story of a hostess at an Italian restaurant. A cook asked her out, but she declined, feeling no initial attraction. They became friends, and he would often drive her home after their shifts. Six months later, after months of friendship and conversation, she realized she had developed deep feelings for him and kissed him. They are now married with two children. Her attraction wasn't instant; it grew through familiarity and connection.

This "slow burn" is often sabotaged by online dating apps, which encourage what Ury calls "relationshopping." By presenting people as a series of quantifiable stats—height, job, age—apps trick users into thinking they can compare partners like products on Amazon. This fosters a Maximizer mindset and an over-reliance on the spark, as users swipe left on anyone who doesn't immediately ignite their interest. Ury advises daters to give people a real chance, go on a second date by default, and focus on how a person makes them feel rather than chasing an elusive and often misleading spark.

Narrator: As a relationship progresses from casual dating to something more serious, Ury warns against another major pitfall, leading to the fourth insight: decide, don’t slide into major relationship milestones. "Sliding" means moving to the next stage of a relationship—like becoming exclusive or moving in together—out of convenience or momentum, without conscious discussion. "Deciding," in contrast, means making an intentional choice after open communication.

Ury uses the story of her client Jing to show the consequences of sliding. Jing dated a man named James for four months and assumed they were exclusive after meeting his family and going on a weekend trip. She was devastated to discover he was still active on dating apps. When she confronted him, he simply said, "We never said we were exclusive." Because they had slid into a situation without defining the relationship (DTR), their mismatched expectations led to heartbreak.

This is especially critical when it comes to cohabitation. Many couples slide into living together because a lease is up, which makes it harder to break up later. This "cohabitation effect" can lead to marriages of inertia, not intention. Ury urges couples to treat these moments as "decision points"—opportunities to pause, discuss expectations, and ensure both partners are aligned on the future.

Narrator: Finally, Ury contends that finding a partner is just the beginning. The ultimate goal is to build a relationship that lasts, which is the final insight: great relationships are built, not discovered. Marital satisfaction naturally declines over time, and people change more than they expect—a phenomenon called the "end-of-history illusion." A successful partnership, therefore, is not one that stays the same but one that is adaptable.

To foster this adaptability, Ury proposes two powerful tools. The first is a Relationship Contract, a non-legally binding document where partners articulate their shared vision and expectations on everything from finances and chores to sex and communication. The second is a weekly Check-In Ritual, a dedicated time for partners to ask each other three simple questions: How was your last week? Did you feel supported by me? How can I support you in the coming week?

These rituals create a system for ongoing maintenance, ensuring that the relationship is intentionally steered rather than left to drift. They transform love from a passive state into an active practice.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Intentionally Irrational is that a great love story is not something you find, but something you build. Logan Ury dismantles the myth that relationships should be effortless and replaces it with a more empowering idea: love is a skill, and your love life is a series of choices. By understanding the cognitive biases that lead you astray—whether you’re a Romanticizer, a Maximizer, or a Hesitater—you can stop outsourcing your decisions to fate and start making them with intention.

The book’s most challenging idea is that the hard work isn't just for the difficult moments; it's for the everyday. It asks you to design your dates, to have the awkward conversations, and to schedule check-ins even when things are good. The ultimate question it leaves you with is this: Are you willing to build your relationship with the same intention you apply to building a career, a home, or a life? Because in the end, that is what it takes to create a love that lasts.