Narrator: The Diaper Genie is overflowing. A foul odor permeates the small Brooklyn apartment. It is Tom’s turn to empty it, but he is engrossed in a computer chess game. His wife, Jancee, a new mother wrestling with sleep deprivation and a hormonal storm, asks him to take care of it. He gives a non-committal answer, his eyes still glued to the screen. In that moment, something snaps. A surge of rage, disproportionate but undeniable, sends her storming into the bedroom where she unleashes a torrent of insults. The immediate shame that follows is just as intense as the anger. She knows Tom is a good husband and father, so why is their once-peaceful marriage now a minefield of resentment and bickering?

This jarring scene captures the seismic shift that so many couples experience after having a child. In her book, I Know How She Does It, author Jancee Dunn confronts this reality head-on, exploring why the arrival of a baby so often triggers an explosion in a marriage and offering a researched, humorous, and deeply practical guide to navigating the fallout.

Narrator: The transition to parenthood often marks the end of a couple's egalitarian ideals and the beginning of a quiet, simmering war over household labor. Dunn highlights a stark reality backed by extensive research: even when both parents work the same number of hours, the division of labor at home skews dramatically after a baby arrives. An Ohio State University study found that by the time a baby is nine months old, mothers have picked up an average of thirty-seven hours of childcare and housework per week, while fathers do twenty-four. Shockingly, the study also found that fathers did five fewer hours of housework per week after the baby arrived.

This imbalance is not just about dirty dishes; it is a profound source of resentment. Dunn shares a survey from NBC's Today program which revealed that for nearly half of mothers, their husbands were a bigger source of stress than their children. This stress stems from what Dunn calls the "donkeywork"—the endless, invisible tasks that disproportionately fall to women, from scheduling appointments to managing household supplies. The result, as eminent couples therapists John and Julie Gottman found, is that 67 percent of couples see their marital satisfaction plummet after having a baby. The dream of an equal partnership often dies in a pile of laundry and unemptied diaper pails.

Narrator: To understand the root of their conflict, Dunn and her husband Tom attend a grueling five-hour therapy session with Terry Real, a therapist known for his brutally direct approach. Real wastes no time in diagnosing their dysfunctional dynamic. He confronts Tom’s passive withdrawal and sense of entitlement, telling him plainly, "Get off your ass and help out!" He explains that what women want most is a true partner, not another child to manage.

Simultaneously, Real holds Dunn accountable for her own destructive behavior, labeling her yelling and insults as what they are: verbal abuse. He explains that while her anger stems from feeling unheard and unsupported, her method of expression is toxic to the relationship and harmful to their daughter. He gives her a stark exercise: during a time-out from an argument, she must look at a picture of her daughter and say, "I know that what I'm about to do is going to cause you harm, but right now, my anger is more important to me than you are." This forces her to confront the real-world consequences of her rage. Real’s diagnosis is clear: the conflict is a two-way street, fueled by his passive selfishness and her reactive aggression, both rooted in outdated gender roles.

Narrator: Having identified the problem, Dunn delves into the work of the Gottmans to find a solution. The Gottmans identified four communication patterns so lethal to a relationship they call them "the four horsemen of the apocalypse": criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Contempt, which includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, and mockery, is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

To counteract these behaviors, the Gottmans developed a formula for fighting fairly. It begins with a "softened startup," which means starting a complaint with an "I" statement about feelings, not a "you" statement of blame. For instance, instead of "You never help with dinner," one might say, "I feel overwhelmed and exhausted when I have to handle dinner on my own." This approach invites empathy rather than defensiveness. Dunn illustrates this with a personal story about a "Pasta Bolognese Dinner Debacle," where a simple suggestion for dinner spiraled into a cold war of separate, unsatisfying meals because both she and Tom immediately resorted to sarcasm and blame. The key, Dunn learns, is to express the "soft" emotions like hurt or loneliness that hide beneath the "hard" emotion of anger, as this is what truly engenders sympathy and de-escalates conflict.

Narrator: At the heart of much marital strife is the unequal division of chores. Dunn argues that achieving a fair division requires open communication and strategic negotiation, not nagging. She shares the story of her sister, Dinah, who resents having to constantly ask her husband, Patrick, to do basic tasks like vacuuming. Patrick’s defense is a classic catch-22: he does not like being told what to do, but he also expects to be asked.

To break this cycle, Dunn offers expert advice. First, reframe the language. Instead of one partner "helping" the other, both partners are contributing to the family. Psychologist Joshua Coleman advises viewing it as "an even exchange of services." Second, couples should hold a formal, intentional conversation to renegotiate the division of labor. This involves starting with appreciation, stating the problem neutrally, and appealing to a partner's sense of fair play. Finally, Dunn advocates for loosening personal standards. Accepting that "good enough is good enough" and that a partner’s way of folding laundry might be different, but still acceptable, can significantly reduce stress and conflict.

Narrator: The final, crucial insight is that a strong marriage is the foundation of a happy family and the best gift parents can give their children. This requires a long-term perspective and a conscious effort to nurture the couple's bond. Dunn highlights the danger of becoming a "child-centric" family, where the parents' relationship becomes threadbare from neglect. Research from the University of Virginia confirms this, showing that couples who have "date nights" at least once a week are over three times more likely to report being "very happy" in their marriages.

This investment extends to other areas of stress, like finances and clutter. Dunn explains that money fights are a top predictor of divorce because they are deeply emotional, tied to our sense of survival. Open communication and financial transparency are non-negotiable. Similarly, physical clutter creates mental clutter and stress, particularly for mothers. Enlisting a professional organizer, as Dunn does for her sister, reveals that creating an orderly environment can dramatically reduce family tension. Ultimately, by tackling chores equitably, communicating respectfully, and deliberately cherishing each other, couples are not just saving their marriage; they are modeling a healthy, loving partnership for their children to emulate.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from I Know How She Does It is that a successful partnership in the face of parenthood is not a matter of luck, but of deliberate, conscious effort. It requires couples to abandon outdated gender scripts, learn the skills of respectful communication and negotiation, and actively choose to prioritize their relationship, not as a selfish act, but as the central pillar supporting the entire family.

The book challenges the modern parent to stop fuming in the hopes that their partner will intuitively know what they need. Instead, it asks a more powerful question: Are you willing to do the work—to have the awkward conversations, to express your gratitude, to schedule the date night, and to fight fairly—to build the partnership you and your children deserve?