Laura: Okay, Sophia. Eli Rallo's I Didn't Know I Needed This. Five-word review. Go. Sophia: Big sister's tough love advice. Laura: Ooh, good. Mine is: 'Your tequila shot of confidence.' Sophia: I like that. It captures the sting and the fun all at once. And honestly, that's what modern dating feels like most of the time. Laura: It really is. And today we're diving deep into that exact world with I Didn't Know I Needed This: The New Rules for Flirting, Feeling, and Finding Yourself by Eli Rallo. Sophia: This book has been everywhere, especially among younger women. It's got this reputation for being brutally honest and funny. Laura: Absolutely. And what's fascinating is Rallo isn't your typical advice guru. She has a Master's in Journalism from Columbia and a background in theater, which you can feel in the storytelling. She became this massive TikTok sensation, almost accidentally, by sharing these very personal 'rules' for dating. Sophia: Right, she's been called the 'Carrie Bradshaw for the TikTok age,' which is a heavy crown to wear. It brings us to these 'rules.' Are they genuinely empowering, or are they just another set of impossible hoops for women to jump through? Laura: That is the central question, isn't it? She frames the whole thing as a game, but a game you can finally learn to play on your own terms.

Laura: Rallo starts by acknowledging that dating apps feel like a casino. She uses this great analogy of a childhood trip to Atlantic City, seeing the 'bug-eyed gamblers' and realizing that's what swiping can feel like—this addictive, validation-seeking slot machine. Sophia: Oh, I know that feeling. The little dopamine hit of a match, followed by the crushing silence of a conversation that goes nowhere. It’s a total gamble. So what’s her advice? Just cash out and leave the casino? Laura: Not exactly. Her approach is more like, if you have to be in the casino, you might as well be the house. She lays out these very specific, almost tactical rules for casual dating—the flings, things, and no-strings situations. Sophia: Okay, I'm intrigued and a little skeptical. What kind of rules are we talking about? Laura: Well, for one, she has this 'ten-date theory.' It’s a statistical approach, almost. She posits that based on her experience, if you go on ten first dates, you'll likely have one-night stands, get ghosted a few times, maybe make a friend, and out of all that, only one will have real potential for a second or third date. Sophia: That actually sounds… depressingly realistic. But framing it as a numbers game is kind of freeing. It takes the personal sting out of the nine rejections. You just expect them as part of the process. Laura: Exactly. It decenters the embarrassment. And she applies this game-like mentality to casual flings, too. She talks about her friend Sadie, who was a master at playing hard to get. Sadie would rarely initiate contact, would be playfully dismissive, and it drove men wild. Sophia: Hold on, 'playing hard to get'? That feels so… 1950s. Isn't that just a form of manipulation? We're told to be direct and communicate, and now we're supposed to play games? Laura: This is the nuance that I think makes the book interesting, and it’s where some readers get divided. Rallo is very clear: these games are only for situations that are explicitly casual and where both people know the score. She says, and I'm quoting loosely here, "You cannot build a healthy foundation for a relationship on a bunch of games." Sophia: Okay, that's a crucial distinction. So it's a strategy for the pre-relationship phase, for the 'situationship' where the stakes are low and it's more about fun and confidence-building. Laura: Precisely. She tells this story about a guy she calls 'Gemini Boy' who was a master at playing games with her. He was hot and cold, never gave too much away. She was into him, but he only wanted something casual. So, she decided to play the game back. She pulled away, got busy with her own life, and suddenly, he became consumed with her. Sophia: It’s the classic scarcity principle. We want what we can't have. It's wild that it still works so effectively. Laura: It does. But Rallo's ultimate point isn't just to 'win' the game. It's about using the game to protect your own energy and avoid getting overly invested in someone who isn't offering you what you want. The 'roster' she talks about—casually dating multiple people—isn't about being deceitful; it's about not putting all your emotional eggs in one basket before someone has proven they're worth it. Sophia: So it’s less about manipulating them and more about managing yourself. It’s a defense mechanism, in a way. Laura: A proactive one. It's about staying in the driver's seat of your own emotional life. But she's adamant that the moment you sense you want something real, the games have to stop. And that transition is where things get really complicated.

Laura: And that's the key distinction Rallo makes. The 'game' stops when you're actually looking for something real. Which brings us to this fascinating idea she has about the 'spark.' Sophia: Ah, the spark. The butterflies. The thing every rom-com tells us is the ultimate sign. Laura: Well, Rallo's advice is, and I'm quoting the book here, "Fck the spark." Sophia: Whoa. Okay, that's a bold statement. What does she have against the spark? Laura: She argues that what we often call 'chemistry' or 'butterflies' is actually just anxiety. It's the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing where you stand. And while it can be intoxicating, it's a terrible foundation for a relationship. She has this perfect story to illustrate it. Sophia: Lay it on me. Laura: She talks about a second date with a guy named Nate. It was cinematic. They met in the rain, went to a bookstore, he bought books she recommended without a second thought, they kissed on street corners. It was pure, unadulterated chemistry. The 'miracle fish fortune teller' at the restaurant even told them they were in love. Sophia: That sounds like the literal dream. What went wrong? Laura: Nothing, on the surface. It was a perfect date. But in hindsight, she realized that the intensity was all chemistry, not compatibility. The relationship with Nate was exciting, but it wasn't built to last. It lacked the deeper alignment of values and life goals. Sophia: I think everyone has fallen for the idea of someone like that. You get so swept up in the feeling they give you that you don't stop to ask if you're actually compatible as people. Those butterflies can absolutely be a red flag for an anxious attachment style kicking in. Laura: Exactly. And she contrasts this with her early dates with her now-boyfriend, Noah. Their second date was just a comfortable night in with wine and charcuterie at his apartment. There were no fireworks, no dramatic rain-soaked kisses. She describes the feeling as just… safe. And she realized that safety and comfort, while less thrilling, were the real green flags. Sophia: That's such a mature insight. It’s about shifting from seeking a high to seeking a home. But this is where some of the criticism of the book comes in, right? Some readers have said that for a book about self-love, it's still incredibly focused on finding a man and getting his approval. How does she balance 'fck the spark' with that? Laura: It's a fair critique, and the book does walk a fine line. I think her argument is that the process of dating, when done right, is an act of self-discovery. By learning to distinguish chemistry from compatibility, you're not just finding a better partner; you're learning about your own needs. You're learning to prioritize your own peace over someone else's validation. Sophia: So the goal isn't the guy, the goal is the self-knowledge you gain while looking for the guy. Laura: That's the idea. It's about being the one who selects, not the one waiting to be selected. And that requires knowing what you're selecting for. It’s not about the initial thrill, but about the long-term fit. Sophia: But even when you do everything 'right,' relationships still end. And the way they end now is often so brutal. Let's talk about ghosting.

Laura: Ghosting is a topic she dedicates a whole chapter to, and she does not hold back. She says, "Ghosting should be an offense punishable by LAW." Sophia: I would vote for that law. It’s the ambiguity that’s so painful. You're left in this void, questioning everything you did and said. Laura: And that's why she provides a very clear set of rules for when you get ghosted. The first one is the 72-hour rule. Give it three days. No contact. After that, you can assume it's a ghosting situation and move on to the next steps. Sophia: Which are what? Please, we all need to know. Laura: The big ones are: do not beg for an explanation, selectively unadd them on social media—not a dramatic block, just a quiet removal from your daily feed—and, most importantly, understand that closure must come from within. Sophia: That last one is the hardest. You feel like you need them to tell you why so you can close the book on it. Laura: Rallo shares this heartbreakingly relatable story about her ex, Ezra. After a month of no contact, he asked her to get coffee. She went, hoping for closure, hoping he'd confess he missed her. Instead, he gave her a casual life update and then left to go to a party. She was devastated. Sophia: Oh, that is brutal. Because you build it up in your head to be this big, meaningful moment, and to them, it's just… coffee. Laura: Exactly. She realized looking for closure from him was a mistake. She writes, "You're the only person who can close your own door. You're also the only person who can open up the next one." Closure is a decision you make for yourself. Sophia: I love that. It's about taking your power back. She also has a rule that I find a little controversial: "Revenge is success and silence." What's your take on that? Is it truly about empowerment, or is it just about bottling up your hurt and pretending you're fine? Laura: I think it connects to her larger theme of "honoring your life." The ultimate 'revenge' isn't about getting back at them; it's about making your own life so fulfilling that their absence becomes irrelevant. Your success becomes the story, not your heartbreak. It's not about suppression; it's about redirection of energy. Sophia: Redirecting your energy from them to you. That makes sense. It's not about them at all, in the end. Laura: And that's where she brings in the vital role of "friend love." She tells this incredibly moving story about her mother's best friend of over 40 years passing away suddenly. And in that grief, she realized that we mourn the end of deep friendships the same way we mourn romantic love, because they are soulmate relationships. Sophia: That's so true. We're conditioned to see 'the one' as a romantic partner, but our friends are often the great loves of our lives. Laura: Rallo says we should "date our friends" with the same intention we bring to romance. And that your love story doesn't have to be about a partner. It can be about your career, your art, your community, or, most importantly, yourself.

Laura: When you pull back, you see Rallo is giving us a three-part framework. First, a playbook for navigating the game of modern dating. Second, a diagnostic tool to know when to stop playing and start building something real. And third, a recovery plan for when things inevitably fall apart. Sophia: It’s all about reclaiming agency in a world that can feel so out of control. She’s not just giving you rules for dating; she's giving you a philosophy for living. Laura: Exactly. The core idea isn't about finding a partner. It's about becoming a person who is whole on their own, so that a partner becomes an addition to an already sunshine-filled life, not the source of the sun itself. Sophia: It’s less a dating guide and more a guide to being the main character in your own life, whether a partner is in the current scene or not. It makes me wonder, what's one 'rule' you've created for yourself to honor your own life? Laura: That's a great question. For me, it's the '10% rule' she mentions—only allowing romantic prospects to take up 10 percent of my brain space. The other 90 percent is for my work, my friends, my growth. It's a conscious allocation of energy. What about you? Sophia: I love that. Mine is probably the 'Canadian Tuxedo Confidence Uniform' idea. Not literally denim on denim, but having that one thing—an outfit, a song, a ritual—that you can turn to when you need to remind yourself of your own power. Laura: That's a perfect one. And that's a great question for our listeners. What's one personal rule you've created to honor your own life? Share it with the Aibrary community on our socials. We'd love to hear them and learn from you all. Sophia: Absolutely. It’s a conversation worth having. Laura: This is Aibrary, signing off.