Michelle: Many of the behaviors most prized in women socially—being helpful, modest, a team player—are the very same behaviors that can silently kill their careers professionally. It’s a paradox that traps millions. Mark: Wow, that's a gut punch. It's like you're being punished for following the rules you were taught your whole life. Be nice, be a good collaborator, don't make a fuss. And then you get to the workplace and realize those rules have a hidden cost. Michelle: A massive hidden cost. And that's the central, brilliant, and sometimes uncomfortable truth at the heart of the book we're diving into today: How Women Rise, by Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith. Mark: I’ve heard of these two. Aren't they heavyweights in the leadership world? Michelle: Absolute titans. It’s a fascinating collaboration. You have Sally Helgesen, who Forbes called the world’s leading expert on women’s leadership, paired with Marshall Goldsmith, the legendary executive coach famous for his work on behavioral change with top CEOs. A real dream team coming together to tackle this specific problem. Mark: Okay, so you have the expert on women's leadership and the expert on changing behavior. That makes sense. So where does this trap you mentioned even begin? I assume it starts with something that sounds positive, like just… doing good work, right? Michelle: Exactly. It starts with a belief that feels virtuous, a belief that is drilled into so many of us: if you just put your head down and do excellent work, someone, somewhere, will notice and reward you for it. The book argues that this is one of the most dangerous myths in career development.

Mark: Hold on, that feels so counter-intuitive. Isn't delivering high-quality work the absolute foundation of getting ahead? Are they saying it doesn't matter? Michelle: Oh, it matters. It’s the ticket to entry. But it’s not the ticket to the next level. The authors identify the first two major habits that create what I call the 'Invisibility Trap.' The first is a "Reluctance to Claim Your Achievements," and the second, which flows right from it, is "Expecting Others to Spontaneously Notice and Reward Your Contributions." Mark: The Invisibility Trap. I like that. It’s like you’re doing all this amazing work, but you’re wearing an invisibility cloak. You assume the boss has thermal goggles and can see the heat you're generating, but they don't. Michelle: That's the perfect analogy. And the book has this story that illustrates it so painfully well. It's the case of a software engineer named Sarah. She was brilliant, a truly innovative coder at a competitive tech company. She consistently delivered top-tier work. Mark: Sounds like the ideal employee. Michelle: You'd think so. But her company culture, like many, tended to celebrate team achievements over individual contributions. And she had a colleague, David, who was much more... let's say, assertive. Mark: I think I know where this is going. I'm already getting angry on Sarah's behalf. Michelle: Get ready. Sarah develops this groundbreaking new algorithm. It’s a game-changer for the company's main product. She pours months of her life into it. Being a good collaborator, she shares her work with David to get his feedback before a big team meeting. Mark: Oh no. Don't tell me. Michelle: In the meeting, before Sarah can even position her work, David stands up and presents the entire algorithm as his own idea. He gets all the praise from their manager, also named Mark, by the way. The team is blown away by 'his' brilliance. Mark: That is infuriating. What did Sarah do? I hope she stood up and called him out right there. Michelle: She didn't. She just sat there, feeling frustrated and completely undervalued. She was afraid that if she spoke up, she'd be seen as aggressive, or difficult, or not a team player. She fell right into the trap. She expected her good work to be self-evident and for her manager to somehow know it was hers. Mark: I think everyone has had a 'David' in their career. And you just want to believe that the manager, the other Mark in the story, sees everything. You want to believe in this idea of a meritocracy, that the truth will just... emerge. Michelle: But it rarely does. The resolution for Sarah only came after this happened a few more times. She finally confided in a mentor, who gave her some very direct advice: document everything, and communicate your contributions directly and proactively to your manager. The mentor basically told her to take off the invisibility cloak. Mark: So she had to learn to be her own press agent. Michelle: Exactly. She started sending her manager regular updates on her progress, she started speaking up more confidently in meetings, presenting her own ideas first. And the outcome was dramatic. Her work was finally recognized, she got a promotion and a raise, and David's behavior was eventually addressed. But Sarah had to be the one to initiate it. The system wasn't going to do it for her. Mark: But isn't there a fine line here? Between claiming your work and just being an obnoxious braggart? Nobody likes that person who dominates every meeting talking about how great they are. Michelle: That's the fear, and it's a valid one. But the book is very clear on this. This isn't about empty bragging or self-aggrandizement. It’s about clear, fact-based communication of the value you are creating. It’s about shifting from "I'm great" to "Here is the work I did, and here is the positive result it generated for the team and the company." It's about visibility, not vanity. It's about making your contributions undeniable. Mark: Okay, visibility, not vanity. That's a helpful distinction. It’s not about ego, it’s about data. "I completed the project ahead of schedule, which saved the company X amount of money." That feels different. Michelle: It feels completely different. And that fear of being seen as a 'braggart' connects directly to the second major trap the book outlines, which is even more counter-intuitive and, I think, even more widespread.

Michelle: The authors call it the 'Competence Curse.' Mark: The Competence Curse? That sounds completely backward. How can being competent be a curse? That’s the whole point of a job! Michelle: It’s a curse when it keeps you from rising. This is where habits like "Overvaluing Expertise" and "The Perfection Trap" come into play. The book presents this absolutely stunning piece of data from an internal Hewlett Packard report. Mark: I'm ready. Hit me with it. Michelle: The report looked at what it took for men and women to apply for a promotion. They found that women, on average, would only apply for a job or promotion when they believed they met 100 percent of the listed qualifications. Mark: One hundred percent. Okay, so they need to check every single box. What about men? Michelle: Men would apply when they met just 60 percent. Mark: Sixty? That’s barely a passing grade! That is a massive, massive confidence gap. So it's like women feel they need a perfect A+ score to even sit for the exam, while men are fine with a C-minus and figure they'll learn the rest on the job? Michelle: That's a perfect way to put it. And this mindset creates the Competence Curse. You become so focused on mastering your current job, on achieving that 100% perfection, that you overvalue your expertise. You believe that being the most knowledgeable person in the room is the most important thing. Mark: And it's not? Michelle: It's important, but for leadership, it's often not the most important thing. This leads to another habit they mention: "Putting Your Job Before Your Career." You get so buried in perfecting the tasks of your current job that you don't look up. You don't build the relationships, you don't seek out the strategic projects, you don't learn the political landscape—all the things you need for the next job. You're the best technician in the shop, but you never learn how to run the business. Mark: I can see that. You're acing the current test, but you don't realize you're in the wrong classroom for the final exam. You're perfecting skills that are about to become less relevant as you move up. Michelle: Precisely. As you rise, your success becomes less about your individual expertise and more about your ability to leverage the expertise of others, to build alliances, to see the bigger picture. The book makes a great distinction between "building relationships" and "leveraging relationships." Many women are fantastic at building supportive, friendly relationships with their peers. But they are often hesitant to leverage those relationships—to ask for help, to enlist allies for a project, to call in a favor. It can feel transactional or selfish. Mark: Right, because that falls into the "disease to please" category, another habit they mention. You don't want to impose on anyone or be seen as demanding. You want everyone to like you. Michelle: And that desire to be liked, combined with the perfectionism of the competence curse, keeps you stuck. You're the incredibly competent, well-liked, indispensable expert who everyone relies on... to stay exactly where you are. Mark: Okay, but this is where some of the controversy around this book comes in, right? It's been widely acclaimed, but it's also gotten some polarizing reviews. Some critics argue that the book is basically telling women to just... act more like those 60-percent guys. Is the solution really just to adopt behaviors that are stereotypically 'male'? Michelle: That is the most common critique and the most important one to address. It’s a question of whether this is empowering advice or just asking women to conform to a broken system.

Michelle: And I think the authors provide a really nuanced answer. They are very clear: this is not about changing your fundamental identity or becoming someone you're not. It's about expanding your behavioral repertoire. Mark: Expanding your repertoire. What does that mean in practice? Michelle: It means recognizing that the professional world, for better or for worse, operates on a set of unwritten rules. Many of these habits—perfectionism, reluctance to self-promote, prioritizing expertise—are often learned strengths that served women incredibly well early in their careers. They got you noticed, they got you praised. But at a certain point, those strengths become liabilities. The game changes, and you need a new set of plays. Mark: So it's not about throwing out your old playbook. It's about adding new chapters to it. Michelle: Exactly. The goal is to be able to consciously choose which tool to use in which situation, not to throw out your entire toolbox. It's about adding strategic visibility and calculated risk-taking to your existing foundation of competence. You don't stop being an expert; you just learn to make that expertise visible and influential. Mark: That reframing is really powerful. It’s less about 'becoming a man' and more about becoming a more strategic version of yourself. You keep the competence, but you also learn to play the game of influence and advancement. Michelle: Precisely. And their advice on how to start is incredibly practical and un-intimidating. They say, "Start with one thing." Don't try to fix all 12 habits at once, you'll just get overwhelmed. Pick the one that made you cringe the most when you heard it, the one that felt a little too real. Mark: For a lot of people, that might be the 'Invisibility Trap.' Michelle: Maybe. So the challenge would be: in one meeting this week, just one, when you have an idea, present it as your own and attach your name to it. Or if someone praises a team success you led, instead of just saying "Oh, it was a team effort," you say, "Thank you, I'm really proud of what my team and I were able to accomplish." It's a small shift in language, but a huge shift in impact. Mark: That feels manageable. It’s not asking you to transform overnight. It’s asking you to run one small, safe experiment. It makes you wonder, which of these invisible habits might be running on autopilot in your own career right now? Michelle: A question worth asking for every single one of us, regardless of gender. The first step to breaking a habit is knowing it exists. Mark: A fantastic and thought-provoking place to end. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.