Kevin: What if I told you that one of the most common things we do to 'help' people—giving constructive criticism—is actually the single most effective way to make them resent you and shut down? Abraham Lincoln, arguably one of the greatest leaders in history, learned this the hard way. He once wrote a scathing letter to a general that could have ended a career, but he never sent it. That decision holds the key to the first principle we're talking about today. Michael: And that is so counter-intuitive, Kevin. We live in a world obsessed with 'radical candor' and constant feedback loops. The idea that the most effective leaders might have actively avoided criticism feels almost revolutionary, even though it's nearly a century old. Kevin: It really does. This is 'Bookmarked,' and today we're diving into Dale Carnegie's timeless classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, first published in 1936 and still a global bestseller. Its principles are so foundational that they feel both like common sense and a complete revelation at the same time. Michael: A book that sold over ten million copies in its first few decades, in thirty-six languages, clearly tapped into a fundamental human need. Carnegie wasn't just writing a business book; he was writing a manual for humanity. Kevin: Exactly. And today we'll tackle it from two angles. First, we'll explore why criticism is the ultimate relationship killer and uncover its powerful antidote. Michael: And then, we'll reveal the single most important secret to influencing anyone, a formula that is as potent in a Silicon Valley pitch meeting today as it was in a Philadelphia sales office in 1936.

Kevin: So let's start with that first big idea, Michael. Carnegie's very first principle, the bedrock of his entire philosophy, is: 'Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.' Why was this so foundational for him? Michael: Because he understood human nature. He quotes B.F. Skinner, the famous psychologist, who showed that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Carnegie’s insight was that this applies even more strongly to humans. Criticism doesn't create lasting change; it creates resentment. Kevin: And he has the perfect story to illustrate this. It’s July 1863, right after the Battle of Gettysburg. The Union army, led by General Meade, has just won a major victory. But President Lincoln is furious. Michael: Why? They won, didn't they? Kevin: They won, but Meade let General Lee’s defeated Confederate army escape. Lincoln believed that if Meade had just pushed forward, he could have captured Lee's entire army and ended the Civil War right then and there. He was pacing in his office, absolutely livid, and he sat down and wrote this brutal, scathing letter to Meade. Michael: What did it say? Kevin: It was devastating. He wrote things like, "My dear General, I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee's escape. He was in our easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would... have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely." He basically blames the continuation of the war on Meade's inaction. Michael: Wow. That’s a career-ending, soul-crushing letter. So he sent it? Kevin: He never did. The letter was found among his papers after his death. Carnegie speculates that Lincoln, a master of human relations, stopped and thought it through. He put himself in Meade's shoes. He considered that Meade was exhausted, his troops were exhausted, and that maybe from the battlefield, the situation looked very different. He realized that sending the letter would only wound Meade's pride, make him defensive, and possibly force him to resign. It would accomplish nothing positive. Michael: That is such a powerful moment of self-restraint. Lincoln realized that criticism is not a logical exchange of information; it's an emotional attack. When you criticize someone, you're not appealing to their logic; you're wounding their "precious pride," as Carnegie calls it. Their brain immediately goes into defense mode. They stop listening and start building a case for why they were right all along. Kevin: Exactly. All it does is put the other person on the defensive and make them strive to justify themselves. It's futile. Michael: Think about the modern workplace. The annual performance review. How often does a manager deliver a list of 'areas for improvement' and the employee walks out feeling motivated and inspired? Almost never. They walk out feeling dejected, misunderstood, and focused on defending their past actions, not improving their future ones. Kevin: So if criticism is the poison, what's the antidote? This is where Carnegie introduces another incredible story. This one is about Charles Schwab, one of Andrew Carnegie's top executives, who was managing a steel mill where production was lagging. Michael: Another high-stakes business situation. Kevin: Absolutely. Schwab had tried everything—pushing, encouraging, pleading—but nothing worked with the day shift workers. So one afternoon, he walks into the mill and asks the foreman, "How many heats did your shift make today?" The foreman says, "Six." Schwab doesn't say a word. He just picks up a piece of chalk and writes a big, bold number '6' on the factory floor, and then walks out. Michael: I love this. No lecture, no criticism. Just a number. What happened next? Kevin: The night shift comes in, they see the '6' and ask what it means. The day shift guys say, "The big boss was in here today. He asked how many heats we made, and we told him six. He chalked it on the floor." The next morning, Schwab comes back to the mill. The night shift had rubbed out the '6' and replaced it with a giant '7'. Michael: The game is on! Kevin: The game was on. When the day shift saw that '7', they were fired up. They weren't going to let the night shift show them up. That day, they went all out and produced ten heats, and chalked a huge '10' on the floor. Soon, that underperforming mill became the most productive one in the entire company. Michael: This is brilliant on so many levels. Schwab didn't criticize the low output. He didn't threaten anyone. He did two things instead. First, he gave them sincere appreciation in a way—he acknowledged their work by marking it down. Second, and more importantly, he stimulated competition. He threw down a challenge. He appealed to that deep human desire to excel, to prove one's worth, to be important. Kevin: He replaced criticism with a challenge and public recognition. Michael: It’s a masterclass in motivation. A modern manager could do the same. Instead of saying, "Your team's sales numbers are down," they could put up a leaderboard and say, "Let's see which team can hit this new target first." It reframes the entire dynamic from negative judgment to a positive, forward-looking game.

Kevin: Exactly. And that idea of appealing to someone's inner drive, their desire for importance, is the perfect bridge to Carnegie's second monumental idea. If you can't push people with criticism, how do you pull them towards your way of thinking? Michael: This is the core of the book for me. It's Principle number three: "Arouse in the other person an eager want." Carnegie says this is the only way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Not by force, not by begging, but by making the other person want to do it. Kevin: He has a great analogy for this, right? Michael: It's the fishing analogy. He says, "Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms." So when he goes fishing, he doesn't bait the hook with what he wants. He baits it with what the fish wants. It's so simple, yet we forget it constantly. We spend our lives talking about our own strawberries and cream. Kevin: We talk about what we want, what our company needs, what we're selling. We don't think about the other person's 'worms'. Michael: Precisely. The only way to influence people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. It's about seeing the world entirely through their eyes. Kevin: Carnegie provides this incredible story of an employer who learned this lesson and it completely transformed his business. This man managed a company with 314 employees, and for years, his philosophy was to drive, criticize, and condemn. He created a terrible, hostile work environment. Michael: I think we've all worked for someone like that at some point. It’s draining. Kevin: It's soul-crushing. But then, this employer took one of Carnegie's courses. He had a complete change of heart and a total shift in his life's philosophy. He stopped criticizing. He started looking for things to appreciate. He began showing genuine interest in his employees' well-being and their goals. Michael: So what was the result of this transformation? Kevin: It was revolutionary. Carnegie writes that a new loyalty, a new enthusiasm, and a new team spirit swept through the organization. The employer said he had turned "314 enemies into 314 friends." People started greeting him with a smile. The janitor, who he'd barely noticed before, started calling him by his first name. Michael: And I bet this wasn't just about warm feelings. This is where people mistake Carnegie's work for just being 'nice'. It's not. It's profoundly strategic. Kevin: You're absolutely right. The employer reported that his profits increased, he had more leisure time, and most importantly, he found more happiness in his business and his home than he had ever known. Michael: Of course! Because he stopped trying to force his will on people and started aligning their wants with his goals. When you show an employee how doing a great job helps them achieve their desire for recognition, for promotion, for a sense of accomplishment, then cooperation becomes the natural, easy result. You don't need to push anymore. Kevin: And Carnegie knew this wasn't just a fringe idea. He had the data to back it up. Before writing the book, a massive, two-year survey was done in Meriden, Connecticut. They interviewed every adult in town to find out what they were most interested in learning. Michael: And what did they find? Kevin: The top two interests, by a long shot, were health, and number two was 'people'. How to understand and get along with people, how to make people like you, and how to win others to your way of thinking. Carnegie realized he was tapping into one of the deepest, most universal human desires. Michael: The desire to be effective in our social world. It’s as fundamental as the desire to be healthy. That’s why this book has endured. It's not a collection of business hacks; it's a guide to fulfilling a core human need.

Michael: So, when you boil it all down, we have two powerful, connected ideas that are just as relevant today as they were in 1936. First, stop doing the one thing that is guaranteed to fail: criticism. It just builds walls of resentment. You have to replace it with the antidote of sincere appreciation and positive, forward-looking challenges. Kevin: And second, to actually influence someone, to get them to move in the direction you want, you have to stop talking about yourself. Stop talking about your needs, your product, your goals. You have to become a detective of human desire. Figure out what they want, what drives them, what their 'worms' are, and then show them how your idea is the vehicle to get them there. Michael: It’s a complete perspective shift from "me" to "you." And when you make that shift, everything changes. So here's the challenge for everyone listening, a little Carnegie experiment. For the next 24 hours, make a conscious effort to do two things. Kevin: I'm ready. Michael: First, catch yourself every single time you're about to criticize someone—a colleague, a family member, a customer service rep—and just stop. Say nothing, or find one small, genuine thing you can appreciate about them instead. Kevin: That's a tough one, but I'm in. What's the second part? Michael: Second, the very next time you need to ask for something, whether it's asking your boss for a resource or your partner to do a chore, frame the entire request around their benefit. Don't mention your own. Think about why it would be good for them, why it would make their life easier or better. Kevin: A real-world test of arousing eager want. Michael: Exactly. See what happens. It might just change everything. Kevin: A timeless experiment from a timeless book. That's all for this episode of Bookmarked.