Mark: Alright Michelle, I'm going to say the title of a book, and I want your gut-reaction, one-liner review. Ready? How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t. Michelle: Sounds like my internal monologue wrote a self-help book. Finally. Mark: That's pretty close, actually. Today we're diving into How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness by Andrea Owen. And what's fascinating is that Owen isn't just an author; she's a certified life coach who trained in Brené Brown's Daring Way methodology. So she's professionally steeped in the research on shame and vulnerability. Michelle: Okay, that makes sense. So this isn't just friendly advice; it's grounded in some serious work on why we feel, well, like shit. The title is blunt, but the foundation is solid. Mark: Exactly. And she argues it boils down to a set of invisible habits we all practice. The first, and maybe the loudest, is the voice inside our own heads. Michelle: Ah yes, the inner roommate who never pays rent and loves to criticize my every move. Mark: Owen has a more... direct name for it. She calls it your "inner asshole." And her first big point is that we have to learn how to manage it.

Michelle: I love that. No sugarcoating. But where does that voice even come from? It feels like it’s been there forever. Mark: Owen says it's often a learned behavior, picked up from family and culture. She tells this heartbreaking story about a client named Suzanne, who says, "I speak to myself in a way that I NEVER would speak to another human being." Michelle: Oh, that hits hard. The things you'd say to yourself that you would never dream of saying to a friend. Mark: Exactly. If Suzanne makes a small mistake, the voice in her head isn't just critical, it's vicious. It screams, "You're horrible, stupid, fat, and ugly." And she just wallows in it, even though she logically knows it's not true. Michelle: That is uncomfortably familiar. It’s like a reflex. You drop a plate, and the immediate thought isn't "oops," it's "I'm such an idiot." Mark: And Owen traces this back. She shares another story about a woman named Heather, whose mother was obsessed with outward appearances. From a young age, Heather learned that her worth was completely tied to how she looked. Now, in her forties, that same voice is still there, telling her she needs to lose weight or fix her wrinkles to be good enough. It’s a message she internalized decades ago. Michelle: Wow. So it’s like we’re running on old, outdated software that was installed in childhood. But what about when you actually do something well, and you still feel like a fake? That feels different. That’s the Imposter Complex, right? Mark: That’s the perfect question, because Owen argues they are deeply connected. The inner critic is the voice that fuels the imposter complex. It’s the thing that whispers, "You just got lucky," or "They're going to find out you don't belong here." Michelle: So the inner critic creates the doubt, and the imposter complex is the feeling that results from that doubt. Mark: Precisely. She gives the example of a client named Rachel, a nurse. Rachel graduated with honors from nursing school. She works in a busy ER. By all external measures, she is competent and successful. Michelle: Right, she's literally saving lives. Mark: But internally? She's convinced she was just guessing on her exams and that she's the least competent nurse on the floor. She lives in constant fear that her bosses and coworkers will realize she's a fraud. She can't internalize her own success. Michelle: That’s terrifying. Because her inner critic has convinced her that her achievements aren't real. So what's the first step to fighting back? Mark: Owen’s advice is surprisingly simple to start: awareness. Just noticing the voice. She has this great mantra for self-forgiveness: "I'm human, and I made a mistake." It’s not about silencing the critic overnight, but about refusing to let it have the final word. You start by talking back with a little compassion. Michelle: It’s not a battle, then, so much as a negotiation with a very persistent, very rude ghost. Mark: A perfect way to put it. And that fear of being 'found out' as a fraud, of being judged, drives us to put on this huge, exhausting performance for the rest ofthe world.

Michelle: The performance! Yes. It feels like we're all actors in a play we didn't agree to be in, and we don't even know who the audience is. Mark: Owen calls it the "dog and pony show." It’s this combination of people-pleasing, approval-seeking, and its very close cousin, perfectionism. She argues these are all habits rooted in one thing: a deep fear of judgment and shame. Michelle: And that’s where her Brené Brown training really shines through, I imagine. Mark: Absolutely. She lives this stuff. She tells her own story from when she was fourteen. She was a talented tennis player and decided to try out for the high school team. But on the day of the tryouts, she stood there, watching the other girls, and was just paralyzed by fear. Michelle: Fear of what? Not making the team? Mark: Fear of not being perfect. She thought, "What if I fail in front of them? What will they think?" The fear was so overwhelming that she walked to a payphone, called her dad, and had him pick her up. She quit tennis that day and regretted it for twenty years. Michelle: Wow. She would rather quit entirely than risk being imperfect. That is a powerful, and tragic, illustration of the "perfectionism prison," as Owen calls it. Mark: It is. And so many of us do it in smaller ways every day. We procrastinate on a project because we're afraid it won't be perfect. We rewrite an email ten times. We obsess over a tiny detail no one else will even notice. Michelle: But what's the real cost of this? I mean, a little perfectionism feels productive. It's what gets stuff done, right? It's seen as a good trait. Mark: That’s the trap! Owen says we confuse perfectionism with striving for excellence. Striving for excellence is healthy and self-focused: "How can I improve?" Perfectionism is unhealthy and other-focused: "What will they think?" The cost is immense: chronic anxiety, burnout, and an inability to be present. And when the performance gets too exhausting, we resort to another habit: isolating. Michelle: Hiding out. When you're too tired to keep up the act, you just disappear. You don't answer texts, you cancel plans, you pretend you're fine when you're crumbling inside. Mark: Exactly. It's the end result of the performance. Owen tells a story about a client named Wendy who does this. On the outside, she's showing up for friends and activities, but inside she feels numb and disconnected, terrified that people will find out she's a "failure." Michelle: So our inner voice tells us we're a fraud, which makes us create this perfect-looking external performance, and when that becomes too much, we just hide. It's a vicious cycle. Mark: A complete cycle. And it's exhausting. Which is why so many of us turn to escape hatches. Michelle: Okay, so my inner voice is a jerk, and my outer life is an exhausting performance. How do we actually stop feeling like shit? What's the antidote?

Mark: Well, the antidote isn't another quick fix or a simple trick. Owen argues that we first have to recognize our escape hatches. The two biggest ones she identifies are numbing and blaming. Michelle: Numbing... like scrolling on your phone for two hours instead of feeling sad? Or that third glass of wine? Mark: Precisely. It's any activity you use to avoid feeling an emotion. It could be shopping, eating, working, even binging self-help content. The key difference she points out between comfort and numbing is self-control. A piece of chocolate for comfort is fine. Eating the whole box until you feel sick, to avoid a difficult conversation, is numbing. Michelle: And blaming? Mark: Blaming is when we make someone else responsible for our feelings or our situation. It feels good for a second—"It's all their fault!"—but it completely blocks connection and keeps us powerless. Owen is very clear that blame is a discharge of pain and discomfort. Michelle: So we numb to avoid our own feelings, and we blame to make others responsible for them. Both are ways of avoiding the real issue. Mark: Exactly. And her powerful, central solution is to stop avoiding and start navigating. The way you do that is by defining your core values. Michelle: That sounds great, but "find your values" can feel a bit abstract. How does Owen make it concrete? Mark: She has some brilliant, practical exercises. It's not about picking words you think should be your values, like "honesty" or "family." It's about discovering what they truly are. One way is to think about a peak experience—a time you felt incredibly proud and alive. What were you doing? What qualities were you embodying? Maybe it was courage, or creativity, or connection. Michelle: I like that. It’s reverse-engineering your values from your own best moments. Mark: And then you have to define what that value looks like in real life. If your value is "courage," what is a courageous behavior for you? Maybe it's speaking up in a meeting. Maybe it's setting a boundary with a family member. You also identify the "red flags"—the feelings or behaviors that tell you you're out of alignment with that value. For courage, a red flag might be the feeling of shrinking, or staying silent when you want to speak. Michelle: So it’s not just a word, it’s a whole user manual for yourself. Here’s what it looks like when I’m living it, and here’s the warning light when I’m not. Mark: Exactly. It becomes your North Star. She tells this fantastic story about a client, Amanda, who worked at a company with manipulative management. She was miserable and complaining all the time. Her old habits would be to either numb the anger or just blame her bosses. But she had identified her core values as integrity and courage. Michelle: So she had a new choice. Mark: A new, very difficult choice. She decided to speak up. She prepared her points, met with her managers, and calmly laid out the issues and the changes she needed to see. They offered a small compromise, but it wasn't enough to align with her value of integrity. So, she quit. Michelle: Wow. She didn't "win" in the traditional sense, but she honored her values. Mark: And she left feeling incredibly proud of herself. She chose her own self-respect over a paycheck. That's the power of having that compass. It makes the hard decisions clearer, even if they're not easier.

Michelle: So it's not about just stopping bad habits. It's about having something better to move towards. The habits are just symptoms of not having that internal compass. Mark: Exactly. Owen's core message is that you can't beat yourself into a better life. You can't hate yourself into feeling good. The book is so popular, and has been translated into nearly 20 languages, not just for its blunt title, but because it gives you permission to be an imperfect, messy human while also handing you a practical toolkit. It’s about replacing the fear of judgment with the courage to live by your own rules. Michelle: It’s a shift from seeking external validation to cultivating internal validation. You stop asking "What will they think?" and start asking, "Is this in line with my values?" Mark: That's the entire game. And it's a practice, not a destination. You'll still have moments where the inner critic gets loud or you fall back into a bad habit. But now, you have the awareness to catch it and the compass to find your way back. Michelle: So, a question for everyone listening: If you had to name just one value to be your North Star for this week, what would it be? Mark: Let us know. We're genuinely curious to hear what you come up with. You can find us on our socials. Michelle: This is Aibrary, signing off.