Autumn: Hey everyone, and welcome to the podcast! Today we're tackling a big one: modern love. Ever feel like your love life is just... a mess of plot twists? Or that “happily ever after” is, well, just a fairytale? You're definitely not alone. We’re diving into a book that really shifts how you think about relationships, by focusing on intentional love. Rachel: "Intentional love," interesting. I guess the question is, Autumn, how many of us are actually intentional about it? I mean, most of the time we're just trying to get through the first date without spilling our drink, or trying to figure out what that last text really meant, right? Autumn: Exactly! That's where this book comes in. It's based on behavioral science and psychology, and it helps you work through the noise. Things like anxiety about dating, or why you keep repeating the same mistakes. Basically, it's about taking control and making conscious choices. Rachel: Okay, so less "love at first sight," more "love with a strategy." I can get behind that. Autumn: Precisely! And today, we’re diving into three key takeaways from the book. First up, we’re going to break down "dating tendencies." These are those hidden patterns that keep you stuck, like always chasing after the "perfect" person or avoiding commitment altogether. Rachel: So, basically a user manual for why your love life feels like a bad sitcom? This feels right. Autumn: Pretty much! After that, we’ll explore some behavioral science tools. Think of it as your dating toolbox: ways to tackle those irrational habits that trip us up, whether it's overthinking everything, unrealistic expectations, or, you know, the dreaded ghosting. Rachel: Ghosting. Sighs A moment of appropriate silence for the state of modern dating. Okay, Autumn, what's the last piece of this puzzle? Autumn: Last but not least, we’ll talk about building healthier, long-lasting relationships—turning those initial sparks into a real, sustainable fire. The book provides a blueprint for improving communication, deepening connections, and creating a relationship that actually works. Rachel: So, we’re going from identifying what not to do, to showing us how to do it, to setting us up for the long haul, right? Got it. Autumn: Yes! It's a roadmap, Rachel, taking you from self-awareness to, dare I say, relationship mastery! So, where do we start?

Autumn: Okay, so starting with those potholes—what exactly “are” these dating tendencies, and why do they matter so much in the first place? Rachel: Good lead-in. Autumn: Well, the book basically outlines three main dating tendencies, and these are the ones that tend to throw us off course: Romanticizers, Maximizers, and Hesitaters. Each tendency represents a specific way that people kind of, well, stumble in their dating lives. And here’s the really important part: if you don’t know which tendency you fall into, you’re probably stuck repeating the same mistakes, without even realizing what’s holding you back. Rachel: Makes sense. It's like trying to assemble furniture without the instructions. So, break it down for us. Which one is up first? Autumn: That would be the Romanticizer. Oh, these folks? They’ve totally bought into the whole fairy-tale narrative of love, I mean, thanks to movies, books—and centuries of cultural expectations, let’s be real. Romanticizers, they dream of love that's just… effortless, magical. They're waiting for the big sparks, that instant chemistry, for everything to perfectly align. Um, it’s not just, like, love at first sight for them, it’s perfection at first everything. Rachel: Sounds... exhausting, to be honest. I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate a good rom-com as much as the next person, but real-life relationships don’t exactly come with, you know, dramatic background music or perfectly timed rainstorms. Do we have a, let's say, prime example of a Romanticizer so I can properly cringe, uh, I mean, understand? Autumn: Oh, absolutely—we’ve got Maya. Maya is the quintessential Romanticizer. She had this grand, almost cinematic vision of what her love story should be, down to all the tiniest, little details. She’d made this checklist of traits for her "perfect" partner, things like height, hobbies, even how they would meet, and if someone didn't fit that exact mold? Instant disqualification, bam! Rachel: Wait a second—height made the list? So, if the guy was, like, half an inch too short, he was out? Seriously? Autumn: Literally, yes! I mean, Maya believed that anything less than a 100% "perfect" connection... sparks flying from the first date, perfect, seamless compatibility... meant it just wasn’t meant to be. The result? She kept passing up really good, stable relationships because they didn’t fit her very specific picture. Rachel: I see. So, Maya's out there playing Cupid with a very, very detailed checklist – and life, well, life just doesn't quite work that way, does it? I mean, no one actually fits a fantasy 100%, because, you know, surprise, humans are imperfect. So, what’s the book's advice for, uh, folks like Maya? How do you, uh, get them out of this rom-com haze? Autumn: The key is really shifting from what they call a "soul-mate mindset" to more of a "work-it-out mentality." Uh, instead of waiting for perfection, Romanticizers like Maya need to really focus on building love step by step – you know, embracing the effort, the compromises, and, yes, even the messiness that comes with it. Love isn’t always an epic story; sometimes, it's actually a slow burn built on shared values and just mutual growth. Rachel: Right, so, instead of waiting for fireworks, they need to, uh, start setting up campfires? Got it. So, what's next? Our Maximizer friends? Autumn: Yup, the Maximizers. So, if Romanticizers are all about chasing fairy tales, Maximizers are out there chasing... optimization. They're basically the people who are convinced that, with enough effort, and enough research, and enough swiping, they'll find someone who just checks every single box. Better looks, better job, better personality, better everything. They’re always worried that if they, you know, settle, they're going to miss out on finding someone even better. Rachel: Ah, yes, the classic Fear Of Missing Out. The FOMO. I’ve seen this in action. Someone starts dating, and instead of focusing on how things are going, they’re wondering, "What if I meet someone even better next week?" So, it's dating meets relentless consumer shopping. Autumn: Exactly. And this tendency ends up backfiring hard. Uh, like, take Steven as an example. He was dating Gabby – a genuinely kind, supportive person who really, really cared for him. But Steven? He couldn’t stop second-guessing himself! His mind kept saying, "What if Gabby isn't the one? What if there’s someone out there who’s, I don't know, 5% better?" Rachel: It's like he's turned finding love into one of those, uh, optimization spreadsheets. Did he even like this Gabby person? Was she actually good enough for him? Autumn: She was more than good enough! But Steven’s obsession with exploring, you know, every possible option completely paralyzed him. He spiraled into indecision. His doubts created unnecessary tension in the relationship. And eventually… the whole thing just crumbled. Rachel: Ah, classic Maximizer move. Overthinking leads to unhappiness. So, uh, what's the solution, then? How do you reprogram this analysis-obsessed brain? Autumn: Uh, well, one of the big tools here is something called "satisficing." It’s a behavioral science concept that basically says, instead of striving for the absolute best, you aim for "good enough." When Maximizers realize that “perfect” doesn’t exist, they can actually start appreciating the really, truly great qualities someone already has. For Steven, it would’ve meant really focusing on Gabby’s strengths – her kindness, her loyalty – and not, you know, comparing her to some imaginary, better person that didn’t actually exist. Rachel: Yeah, because this isn’t one of those "choose your own adventure" things, where you get to see all the outcomes at once, right? You commit, and then you build on what you’ve got there. Okay, let's round things out. Who are the Hesitaters? Autumn: Okay, the Hesitaters are the folks who are stuck on the sidelines, just waiting for the "right moment" to jump into dating. They tell themselves, "I'll start once I lose weight," or, "I'll start once I get that promotion." It’s pretty much all about procrastination that's fueled by self-doubt. They think they're not ready, not attractive enough, not successful enough to be loved. Rachel: So, basically, someone endlessly saying, "I’ll date someday," but someday, uh, never quite arrives? Autumn: That’s exactly it. And the real danger is that these delays are often masks for much deeper fears – fears of rejection, fears of vulnerability, or even fears of failure. You know, by waiting to feel "worthy," Hesitaters definitely miss out on opportunities to connect in the present. Rachel: Uh-huh. So, how do we, uh, get these folks moving? I mean, I'm guessing the solution isn't to just, I don't know, throw them into a speed dating event? Autumn: Definitely not! So, the book suggests taking baby steps – small, actionable moves instead of trying to conquer everything at once. Like, set a tangible goal: create a dating profile, say, by the end of the month, or, you know, say "yes" to a casual coffee date. The idea is to stop waiting for some kind of imaginary perfection and just… start doing. "Readiness," they say, is something that grows through action, not before it. Rachel: Got it. Progress, not perfection, right? Uh, so sounds like whether you’re a Romanticizer, Maximizer, or a Hesitater, the very first step is just recognizing where you're stuck in the first place. And then, you can start, uh, working toward healthier habits. Autumn: Exactly! Recognizing these tendencies is the jumping-off point for dating intentionally. When you can see your patterns clearly, you can then actively work to change them. And you'll start moving toward connections that are based on authenticity and self-awareness, instead of fear or some kind of fantasy. Rachel: Some wise words there, Autumn. Sounds like self-awareness is truly the real MVP in all this.

Autumn: So, understanding these tendencies is key, right? It lets us move on to practical ways to actually overcome them. Which brings us to the heart of today’s chat: how behavioral science can help us navigate modern dating! It's all about bridging theory and practice, giving us science-backed methods to tackle the challenges. And honestly, there's “so” much to unpack here—from busting myths about love to using decision-making tools like satisficing or the Secretary Problem. Rachel: Behavioral science, huh? Going full "science of love," are we? Alright, let's start with those myths. That old chestnut that love is supposed to be effortless, like some rom-com fantasy—what's the lowdown on that? Autumn: Absolutely. The book really challenges this idea that love should always feel like fireworks, and that it should just magically "happen" without any effort from us. This narrative—that true love is some kind of magical force—is “everywhere”, and unfortunately, it leaves a lot of people feeling disappointed when reality doesn't live up to it. Rachel: Let me guess, that's where Maya waltzes back onto the stage, right? Our resident Romanticizer? Autumn: You got it! Maya’s story is perfect here. She really bought into that fairy-tale image of what love “should” be. From day one, she was hunting for that mythical "perfect" partner—someone who ticked every single box she'd ever dreamed of. A knight in shining armor, effortlessly sweeping her off her feet. Rachel: And let me guess “again”: No one ever measured up, because no actual human being could possibly live up to her fantasy. Autumn: Exactly. Maya had so many chances to create meaningful relationships, but because there wasn't that instant, explosive spark, she wrote them off. She thought if there wasn't magic from the get-go, then they weren't "the one." But behavioral science tells us that this pursuit of perfection actually creates a sort of blind spot. People like Maya focus so much on the initial spark that they completely miss the potential fire that can be built over time. Rachel: So basically, Maya expected a Disney movie when actual adult relationships are… well, more like complicated indie dramas. What does the book suggest to help people like her step back from those sky-high expectations? Autumn: It’s all about shifting your mindset. Instead of searching for that "perfect beginning," Romanticizers like Maya need to embrace the idea of building love intentionally. That means accepting that love isn't totally effortless—it's a mix of shared values, effort, and growth as time goes on. Chasing that idea of perfection only leads to disappointment, because it simply doesn’t exist. Rachel: So, for all our Maya types tuning in, lesson one: trade the fairy tale in for a little dose of reality. Okay, and then we move on to the Maximizers—remind me, these are the serial over-thinkers of the dating world, right? Autumn: Yes, exactly. Maximizers are the daters who just can't stop searching for "the best possible option." They're constantly swiping, comparing, worrying if they're settling. The real irony is, they overload themselves with choice to the point where they can't even enjoy the “good” options they already have. Rachel: Which is, I presume, where Steven enters the scene? Autumn: For sure. Steven was dating Gabby—a wonderful, kind, supportive partner. I mean, she objectively ticked all the major boxes. But Steven couldn’t switch off his mental calculator. He kept wondering, "What if there's someone “better” out there?" Every date became a test: could Gabby pass as "perfect," or would she fall short of this nebulous ideal he was chasing? Rachel: And the result? I'm guessing it wasn't exactly happily ever after. Autumn: Sadly, no. Steven’s never-ending quest for perfection led him to push Gabby away. She felt undervalued, and he just got trapped in indecision, constantly analyzing himself. Eventually, the relationship fell apart—not because Gabby wasn’t good enough, but because Steven’s mindset wouldn’t allow him to commit. Rachel: Okay, so to our Maximizers listening right now, what’s the antidote? How do you break free from this endless loop of analysis paralysis? Autumn: The solution lies in something called "satisficing." It's a strategy that says, instead of hunting for the “absolute” best, you focus on finding someone who's "good enough." And let's be clear, "good enough" doesn't mean settling. It means prioritizing what “actually” matters in a relationship—qualities like emotional availability, kindness, shared values—instead of fixating on superficial things. Rachel: Let me see if I’ve got this straight. Maximizers need to learn to stop measuring every single option and just say, “Hey, I’ve found someone who ticks the boxes that “matter” to me. That’s enough.” Makes sense. But how do you “actually” teach them to stop chasing, especially in a world overflowing with options? Autumn: That’s where the Secretary Problem comes in—a decision-making strategy rooted in mathematics and behavioral science. It's brilliant because it hands Maximizers a structured, logical framework. Here's how it works: you evaluate the first 37% of your options without committing to anyone. After that, if someone comes along who's better than everyone you've already met, “they're” the one to choose. Rachel: Interesting. So you’re essentially setting a cutoff point—a way to deal with this nagging feeling that "someone better is “always” out there." But does this actually work in real life? It feels a little… I don’t know, mechanical? Autumn: It might “sound” mechanical, but the logic is what helps Maximizers make peace with their decision. Instead of endlessly comparing everyone and fearing they’ve missed out, they have a built-in plan to determine when to commit. It’s not foolproof, of course, but it’s a whole lot better than getting stuck in perpetual doubt. Rachel: Right, that’s two tendencies down. Now for the procrastinators of the dating world—our Hesitaters. These are the people sitting on the sidelines, waiting for the perfect moment to jump in. What's “their” deal? Autumn: Hesitaters tend to believe they need to be in some “ideal” state of readiness before they can even begin dating—whether that means feeling more confident, losing weight, achieving some career milestone. But behavioral science shows us that this perfection-based procrastination is really just a way of masking deeper fears, like rejection or vulnerability. Rachel: So they wait for the stars to align, but surprise—it never “actually” happens. What’s the book’s advice here? Just throw them into the dating pool and hope they don’t drown? Autumn: Not quite! The book suggests starting “small”. Hesitaters need to take actionable, manageable steps, like setting up a dating profile, or going on a super low-pressure coffee date. The idea is that readiness isn’t something you wait for—it’s something you build, through experience. Rachel: Action over perfection. Makes sense. And honestly, no matter what your tendency is, it sounds like the initial step is just recognizing it. If you don’t even realize you’re stuck, how can you possibly move forward? Autumn: Exactly. Awareness is really the cornerstone of “intentional” love. Once you understand your patterns, you can start using strategies like satisficing or the Secretary Problem to break free. It's about building connections that are “real”, not chasing fantasies or hiding. Rachel: Well, I guess we’ve officially demystified the science of dating tendencies—or at least, scratched the surface.

Autumn: So, with these self-awareness tools we've discussed, we can start exploring how to apply them in real-world dating, right? And what’s really amazing is how understanding your own tendencies naturally leads us into this bigger conversation about building genuinely healthy relationships. This is where the idea of “intentional love” goes beyond just personal growth, and shapes how we build trust, emotional stability, and a long-term connection. It's a journey from understanding yourself to actually sharing a life with someone else. Rachel: Exactly, because knowing your dating tendencies is cool, but at some point, you have to ask: How do you actually use all this self-awareness to create something that lasts? Relationships don’t come with instruction manuals. So, where do we even start? What's the key ingredient for building a solid foundation? Autumn: Well, a lot of it boils down to prioritizing the qualities that truly matter in the long run – emotional stability, kindness, resilience. Those are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. What's interesting is that these qualities aren’t always as obvious or exciting as, like, instant chemistry or shared hobbies, you know, the things that often take center stage early on. Rachel: Right. Those surface-level things might get you started, but they aren't going to keep you going when life gets complicated. Do you have an example to make this a bit more concrete? Autumn: Definitely. Let’s talk about Ethan and Jamie. Jamie really values punctuality and structure, while Ethan's a bit more… flexible with time. As you can guess, their different styles caused friction. Jamie would get really frustrated, interpreting Ethan’s lateness as a sign that he didn’t care. It's easy to see how that could lead to resentment or a blame game. Rachel: I've seen that play out so many times. So, what kept their relationship from completely falling apart? Autumn: Ethan's emotional stability made a huge difference. Instead of getting defensive or brushing off Jamie’s concerns, he addressed them calmly. He acknowledged her frustration, reassured her that he valued her need for structure, and worked on meeting her halfway. This not only eased the tension but also helped them understand each other better. Rachel: So, emotional stability isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about navigating it without making it worse. Got it. But what if someone isn’t naturally as calm as Ethan? What's the practical advice here? Autumn: Good question! The book suggests doing reflection exercises. For example, at the end of each day, take 5–10 minutes to ask yourself, “How did I handle conflict today? Did I help create a calm environment, or did I let my emotions control me? What could I have done differently?” With regular self-reflection, you can really strengthen your emotional regulation skills. Rachel: It’s like emotional weightlifting – you practice and you get stronger. I like that. Okay, so we've covered emotional stability. What's the next key element? Autumn: The next is understanding attachment styles – how secure, anxious, or avoidant tendencies shape how we connect with people. Attachment theory is really important because it explains so much about why people behave the way they do in relationships. Rachel: I think I sense another example coming. Who's up this time? Autumn: This time it's Vivian. Vivian has an anxious attachment style, so she really craves constant reassurance and closeness with her partner, Alex. Alex, on the other hand, is more avoidant, and pulls away when he feels overwhelmed emotionally. This created a classic anxious-avoidant dynamic: the more Vivian sought validation, the more Alex distanced himself, which only made Vivian cling even harder. Rachel: Ugh, the emotional tug-of-war. It’s like one person’s need for connection actually pushes the other person further away. How did they even begin to solve that? Autumn: They had to address their own attachment styles. Vivian worked on regulating her own emotions, getting involved in activities outside the relationship that made her feel more confident and less dependent on Alex for validation. Alex, meanwhile, learned to express his need for space more openly and began practicing vulnerability by sharing his feelings instead of shutting down. Rachel: So, teamwork makes the dream work, but they also had to do their own work separately. Okay, what's the advice for couples stuck in that kind of cycle? Autumn: First, you need to identify your attachment style – there are some great self-assessment tools and quizzes out there. Once you know, you can work on strategies like journaling, mindfulness, or even therapy to manage your tendencies. And most importantly, try to show secure behaviors yourself, and look for partners who are stable and kind. Secure attachment isn’t fixed, you can develop it with effort and good communication. Rachel: Okay, so we’re laying the foundation brick by brick here. What about conflict? Everyone knows relationships aren't always smooth sailing – what's the trick to getting through the inevitable arguments? Autumn: That's where the idea of “fighting well” comes in. The goal isn't to avoid conflict – that's impossible. It’s about handling disagreements in a way that actually strengthens the relationship instead of destroying it. One of the key strategies in the book is making “repair attempts” during disagreements – small gestures that relieve tension and help steer things towards a resolution. Rachel: Repair attempts? Sounds promising. Got an example? Autumn: Sure! Grace and Daniel argued a lot about household chores – Grace felt like she was doing everything, and Daniel felt unappreciated. During one particularly heated moment, Daniel tried to lighten the mood, saying, “Well, at least I remembered to take the trash out… halfway.” It was enough to make Grace <Laughs> laugh, and that changed the whole tone of the conversation. Suddenly, they could talk about how they were “really” feeling – her seeking validation, his needing appreciation – without making the argument worse. Rachel: So, a well-timed joke or gesture can, like, keep a disagreement from turning into a full-blown disaster. How can couples develop that skill? Autumn: They can create a conflict agreement – a shared set of rules for how to handle disputes. Like, agreeing to take a break when things get too heated, using "I" statements to express feelings, and acknowledging when someone makes a repair attempt. That way, even when they're arguing, there's a common understanding of how to step back and regain focus. Rachel: That makes sense – relationships are kind of like emotional ecosystems. If you build in safeguards, you’re less likely to throw everything out of balance. What’s next on our healthy relationship checklist? Autumn: Relationship rituals! These are intentional practices – big or small – that help couples stay connected. Like, a weekly date night or just a five-minute check-in each day. Rituals create opportunities to reinforce emotional intimacy amidst the chaos of daily life. Rachel: So, it doesn’t always have to be grand romantic gestures. Do you have a favorite example? Autumn: Definitely. Priya and Kathryn had this tradition of Sunday morning breakfasts – no phones, just them catching up over coffee and pancakes. It became a “really” important part of their relationship. Even when things were stressful, they knew they had that consistent, dedicated time together. Rachel: Pancakes and connection – I'm sold. Simple, easy, and effective! Any tips for listeners who want to start their own rituals? Autumn: Sure! Daily rituals, like asking, “What’s one thing I can do support you tomorrow?” can make a big difference. Monthly traditions, like trying something new together, keep things interesting. And don’t forget to support each other’s personal interests too – encourage your partner’s hobbies as much as shared activities. It’s all about finding a balance between “me time” and "us time." Rachel: So, to summarize: Healthy relationships aren’t about finding “the one” or avoiding conflict altogether. It’s about building something intentionally – step by step – with emotional stability, secure attachment, open communication, and meaningful connection. Autumn: Exactly. And that’s “really” the heart of intentional love – a commitment to growing together, even through tough times. It’s not about avoiding effort, but about putting that effort into creating something that truly lasts.

Autumn: Okay, so let's recap. We've unpacked some “really” powerful concepts from the book. We talked about identifying those three dating styles – Romanticizers, Maximizers, and Hesitaters – and how they can kind of trip us up. Then, we jumped into behavioral science tools like satisficing and even the Secretary Problem to help us make better decisions. And ultimately, it's all about focusing on the stuff that actually builds solid, lasting relationships. Rachel: Exactly. So, we're not just chasing fairy tales or some perfect "soul mate" unicorn, right? This boils down to being intentional, about deliberately choosing to show up for yourself and your partner, warts and all. Autumn: Totally! So, if you're listening, here’s your action item: Ask yourself, "What patterns am I stuck in? What tendencies are shaping how I date?” Seriously, think about how those patterns might be helping you… or, more likely, holding you back from building real connections. Because, you know, real change starts with understanding yourself. Rachel: Right. And then, get moving! Whether it's giving satisficing a try, actually scheduling that first date instead of just swiping, or committing to just being more open and honest, even one small step can have a big impact. I mean, intentional love isn’t about being Mr. or Ms. Perfect. It's about showing up and putting in the effort. Autumn: Exactly! So, here's to all of you creating your own version of intentional, meaningful love. Thanks for hanging out with us today, and we “really” hope these tools help you find more mindful and, ultimately, more fulfilling ways to approach dating and relationships. Rachel: Until next time—go build something real, people.