Mark: Scientists estimate that 95% of your daily decisions—what you eat, what you say, who you love—are made by your subconscious. You're not driving the car; you're just a passenger in a body that's been programmed by your past. What if you could grab the wheel? Michelle: Wow, 95 percent? That's both terrifying and... weirdly freeing. It explains why I sometimes find myself staring into the fridge with no idea how I got there. It’s like my body just took me for a ride. Mark: Exactly. And that feeling is the central idea in the book we're diving into today: How to Meet Your Self by Dr. Nicole LePera. Michelle: I’ve seen her work everywhere. She’s known as The Holistic Psychologist, right? Her stuff is incredibly popular, but it’s also stirred up some debate. Mark: It really has. And what's fascinating is that Dr. LePera isn't some new-age guru; she's a Cornell-trained clinical psychologist. She got so frustrated with the limits of traditional therapy—seeing her clients, and even herself, get stuck in the same painful cycles week after week—that she created this whole 'SelfHealers' movement to give people the tools to do the work themselves. Michelle: Okay, so if we're all on this 95% autopilot, as you said, where does that programming even come from? Let's start there. Because if I didn't choose it, who did?

Mark: That's the million-dollar question the book tackles right away. The programming comes from what Dr. LePera calls our "conditioning." Essentially, from the moment we're born, we're like little sponges. We absorb the beliefs, communication styles, and emotional habits of our parent-figures and our environment. These experiences create our "habit self." Michelle: The habit self. That sounds like the guy who orders the same thing at the same restaurant every single time. It’s the path of least resistance. Mark: It's exactly that. It's a biological imprint on our brain and nervous system. And it's not just about ordering the same food. It dictates how we handle stress, how we talk to ourselves, who we're attracted to. The book has this powerful quote: "As adults, many of us remain unaware that many of our current beliefs or habits may come from these early experiences and may not actually be the result of conscious choice." Michelle: That’s a huge statement. It basically says our free will is a lot smaller than we think. Can you give me a concrete example of how that plays out? Mark: Dr. LePera uses her own life as a case study, which is incredibly vulnerable and powerful. She talks about growing up in an environment that often felt overwhelming and unpredictable. As a little girl, she developed a coping mechanism to survive: dissociation. She would mentally escape her body. Michelle: What does that feel like? Is it like daydreaming? Mark: It's more profound. She describes it as a feeling of haziness, confusion, getting lost in thought, and literally losing chunks of time. It was her brain's way of protecting her from experiences that were too much to handle. The outcome? As an adult, she had very few childhood memories. But the pattern continued. Even as a successful therapist, she found herself in this state of burnout, exhaustion, and feeling completely disconnected from her own life. She was just going through the motions, living as her habit self. Michelle: That feeling of being hazy or just "not there" is so relatable. I think a lot of us live in that state and call it "being busy" or "stressed." We're physically present, but mentally, we've checked out. Mark: Precisely. And she tells another story about this, calling it "The Chameleon" phase of her life. For years, she lived for external validation. She would change her personality, her interests, her needs, to match whoever she was with, just to feel accepted and loved. She was putting everyone else's needs before her own, and it left her feeling resentful and completely empty. Michelle: Oh, I know the chameleon. I think many of us, especially women, are trained to be chameleons. We're taught that being "nice" or "agreeable" is more important than being authentic. Mark: And the book's point is that these aren't character flaws. Her dissociation and her people-pleasing weren't because something was "wrong" with her. They were brilliant survival strategies her younger self developed. The problem is that those strategies, which kept her safe as a child, were now trapping her as an adult. Michelle: Okay, so our brains are wired this way from childhood to protect us. That makes sense. But are we just stuck with this old wiring? This sounds a bit deterministic, like we're doomed to repeat the past forever. Mark: This is where the hope comes in. The book introduces the concept of neuroplasticity. For a long time, we thought the adult brain was fixed. But research, like the work of neuroscientist Bruce McEwen back in the 60s, proved that the brain is constantly changing. It can literally rewire itself. Michelle: So how does that work? Is it like forging a new path in a forest? Mark: That's a perfect analogy. Every time you think a thought or perform an action, you strengthen a neural pathway, like walking the same path in the woods over and over until it's a deep rut. Your conditioned "habit self" is a superhighway of these ruts. Neuroplasticity means you can start walking a new path. At first, it's hard. You have to push through the weeds. But if you do it consistently, every day, you create a new, clear path. The old one, from disuse, starts to grow over. Michelle: I love that. So we're not just victims of our programming. We can become the programmers. But it's not a quick fix. It's daily, conscious effort. Mark: Exactly. And the amazing thing about neuroplasticity is that the control panel for rewiring our brain isn't just in our thoughts—it's in our body.

Michelle: Okay, that's a fascinating transition. What do you mean the control panel is in our body? I always thought change was about changing your mindset. Mark: That's what most of us think. But Dr. LePera argues that for many people, especially those with a history of stress or trauma, the body is in a chronic state of survival mode. She calls this the "trauma body." It's like a car alarm that got triggered years ago and never shut off. Your nervous system is constantly screaming, "DANGER!" even when you're perfectly safe. Michelle: And that manifests as anxiety, right? That constant, low-level hum of dread or agitation for no apparent reason. Mark: Yes, or exhaustion, insomnia, digestive issues, high emotional reactivity—the list goes on. The book explains that when our physical needs are met and our body feels safe, it sends a message to our brain that we can relax. But if our body is stuck in that alarm state, it's almost impossible to think our way to calm. You can't out-logic a dysregulated nervous system. Michelle: So you have to speak the body's language. How do you do that? How do you turn off the car alarm? Mark: The book is filled with simple, practical tools for this. They're designed to regulate the nervous system directly. One of the most powerful is the "physiological sigh." It's something we do naturally when we're crying or sleeping to calm ourselves down. It's two quick inhales through the nose, followed by a long, slow exhale through the mouth. Michelle: Wait, a physiological sigh? What is that? Let me try it... [sound of two quick inhales, one long exhale]. Huh. That actually works. I can feel my shoulders dropping. It’s like hitting a reset button. Mark: It is! It offloads a maximum amount of carbon dioxide, which signals to your vagus nerve—the main highway of your nervous system—that it's time to calm down. The book gives other examples, too. Like if you're feeling angry or spiraling in anxious thoughts, you can do a grounding exercise. Stop and name five colors you see in the room. Four things you can feel. Three things you can hear. It yanks your attention out of the abstract storm in your head and back into the physical reality of the present moment. Michelle: I can see how that would break the cycle. Instead of feeding the angry thoughts, you're just observing, "The wall is white. The book is blue." It's so simple. Mark: It is. And this is where some of the controversy around her work comes in. Critics sometimes argue that this approach is too simplistic or might discourage people from seeking professional help for deep trauma. Michelle: That's a fair point. Is a breathing exercise really enough to heal complex PTSD, or is this meant to be a supplement to traditional therapy? Mark: The book positions these as foundational tools. It's not saying "don't go to therapy." It's saying that whether you're in therapy or not, you need to learn how to live in your body and regulate your own nervous system day-to-day. Healing can't just be one hour a week in an office. It has to be a 24/7 practice of creating safety within yourself. These tools are what you do in the moments between therapy sessions, when you're triggered at work or get into a fight with your partner. They give you the stability to then do the deeper emotional work. Michelle: That makes a lot of sense. You have to calm the body's alarm system first. But once you do that, the old thoughts and the hurtful beliefs are still there, right? The source code of the program is still running. How do we tackle that?

Mark: Exactly. Calming the body gives you the foundation. The next step is rewriting the code. This is where the book gets into concepts like the "inner child" and "reparenting." Michelle: Okay, but Mark, "reparenting your inner child" sounds a little... out there. What does that actually mean in practice? Is it just sitting around talking to yourself? Mark: It can sound that way, but the book makes it incredibly practical. The "inner child" is essentially the part of you that still holds all the unmet needs and suppressed emotions from your childhood. Maybe you needed more safety, more validation, or more freedom to play. Reparenting is simply the act of consciously giving those things to yourself now, as an adult. It's about becoming your own wise, loving parent. Michelle: So if my inner child feels insecure, my adult self can step in and say, "Hey, you're safe. I've got this." Instead of looking for that security from someone else. Mark: Precisely. And it's not just about thoughts; it's about actions. This is where the book's most powerful tool comes in: The Future Self Journal. It's a daily practice designed to use neuroplasticity to build a new you, one tiny action at a time. Michelle: I like the sound of that. How does it work? Mark: It's deceptively simple. Every day, you set one small, actionable intention. One promise you will keep to yourself. The key is that it has to be tiny. Not "I'm going to write a novel," but "I will drink one glass of water before I have my coffee." Or "I will take a ten-minute walk without my phone." Michelle: Why so small? It feels almost insignificant. Mark: Because it's not about the water or the walk. It's about rebuilding self-trust. The book has this gut-punch of a quote: "Every time we return to our habits, however, we betray ourselves and erode our self-trust." Most of us are used to breaking promises to ourselves. We say we'll go to the gym, and we don't. We say we'll eat healthy, and we don't. Each time, we send a subconscious message to ourselves: "I am not reliable. My word means nothing." Michelle: Wow. I've never thought of it that way. So the Future Self Journal is about reversing that. By making and keeping one tiny, almost laughably easy promise, you send a new message: "I show up for myself. I am trustworthy." Mark: You got it. You do that every day, and you start to build a new identity. You're not just hoping to be a healthier person; you are actively being one, one glass of water at a time. You're creating evidence for your brain that you are a person who keeps their word. This is the foundation of self-respect and self-love. Michelle: So, keeping a promise to yourself is like setting an internal boundary. And that probably makes it easier to set external boundaries with other people, which the book talks a lot about. Mark: It's the absolute prerequisite. How can you expect someone else to respect your "no" if you can't even respect your own promise to yourself? The book argues that setting boundaries is one of the highest forms of self-care. It's teaching people how to treat you, based on the respect you've already cultivated for yourself.

Michelle: It all seems to connect back to this idea of moving from unconscious reaction to conscious choice. Whether it's with your body, your thoughts, or your relationships. Mark: That's the perfect summary. Ultimately, the book's message is that healing isn't a passive event that happens to you in an office. It's an active, daily practice of conscious choices. You're moving from being an unconscious reactor to your past to a conscious creator of your future. You are literally meeting your true, authentic self, who was buried under all that conditioning. Michelle: The big takeaway for me is that you don't have to wait for a crisis. You don't have to hit rock bottom like Dr. LePera did with her burnout. The work can start today with one small, conscious choice. What's one tiny promise you can make to yourself right now? Mark: I love that question. For me, it's putting my phone away for the first 30 minutes of the day. No scrolling, no emails. Just being present. It's a small thing, but it changes the entire tone of my morning. Michelle: For me, I think it's that physiological sigh. The next time I feel that wave of stress at my desk, I'm going to take ten seconds to do that instead of just powering through. Mark: Exactly. And we'd love to hear what you all come up with. Share your 'one small promise' with the Aibrary community on our socials. It's powerful to see what everyone is working on, and it helps keep us all accountable. Michelle: It really does. This has been an incredible look at how to take the driver's seat in our own lives. This is Aibrary, signing off.