Narrator: Imagine it’s a few days before Christmas. You’re in a cozy New York apartment with your partner, who has just given you the perfect gift—tickets to your favorite show. It’s a thoughtful, loving gesture, a day designed for connection. Yet, as you sit beside them in the theater, a familiar and crushing sense of loneliness washes over you. You feel completely, utterly alone. This was the experience of Dr. Nicole LePera, a clinical psychologist who, despite all her training, found herself trapped in a cycle of relational dissatisfaction. She realized the problem wasn't her partner; the problem was an internal disconnection she had been carrying her whole life.

This profound and painful realization is the starting point for her book, How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Create the Relationships You Deserve. LePera argues that our attempts to fix our relationships by changing others are doomed to fail. The real path to creating the love we deserve begins not by looking outward, but by embarking on a journey inward to heal the patterns wired into our very being.

Narrator: Most people believe relationships are things that happen to them, viewing themselves as passive participants who are either lucky or unlucky in love. Dr. LePera challenges this, asserting that we are active creators of our relational dynamics. The problem is, this creation is often driven by unconscious forces. Our adult relationships, especially romantic ones, are frequently reenactments of the patterns we learned in our earliest attachments with our caregivers.

LePera shares her own history as a serial monogamist, moving from one relationship to the next, always finding fault in her partners. Whether it was emotional unavailability, a short temper, or a lack of deep connection, she believed the issue was always with the other person. It was only through her psychoanalysis training that she had a startling revelation: she was the common denominator. She was unconsciously choosing partners who allowed her to replay the familiar dynamics of her childhood—a home filled with stress and emotional neglect, where she learned to suppress her own needs. This pattern of choosing the familiar, even when it's dysfunctional, is what LePera calls a "trauma bond." It’s not a conscious choice, but a deeply ingrained habit of the subconscious mind seeking what it knows.

Narrator: Trauma bonds aren't just psychological; they are neurobiological. Our earliest relationships physically program our autonomic nervous system (ANS), which determines how we instinctively think, feel, and act. Dr. LePera draws on polyvagal theory to explain that our nervous system is constantly scanning the environment for cues of safety or danger through a process called neuroception. If our childhood was marked by stress or emotional inconsistency, our neuroception becomes faulty. We begin to misinterpret neutral cues as threatening, keeping us in a state of dysregulation.

This dysregulation manifests in one of four primary stress responses. The "Eruptor" (fight) is quick to anger and conflict. The "Distractor" (flight) stays constantly busy to avoid emotion. The "Detacher" (freeze) emotionally checks out and withdraws. And the "Pleaser" (fawn) abandons their own needs to keep others happy.

The book presents the story of Dominik and Monique, a couple trapped in a painful cycle. Monique, who grew up with emotionally absent parents, learned to control her environment to feel safe. When her husband Dominik’s income declined, she became a micromanager—an Eruptor. Dominik, who grew up with a hypervigilant mother, learned to withdraw and distract himself to cope. He became a Distractor. Monique’s control triggered Dominik’s withdrawal, which in turn amplified her need to control. They were locked in a reactive loop, each partner’s nervous system reacting to the other based on wounds from decades earlier.

Narrator: To navigate these challenging childhood environments, we develop what LePera calls "conditioned selves." These are roles or personas we adopt to feel safe, seen, and loved. These roles are designed to protect our "hurt inner child"—the part of us that holds the pain of our earliest unmet needs.

The book outlines seven common conditioned selves, including the Caretaker, the Overachiever, and the Yes Person. For example, Diego grew up as a parentified child, relied upon by his non-English-speaking single mother to navigate their new country and care for his younger siblings. He learned that his value came from serving others and ignoring his own needs. As an adult, he became a classic "Yes Person," constantly bending over backward for others, which left him feeling burnt out, resentful, and disconnected from his own desires. Recognizing these conditioned selves is the first step toward choosing to act from a more authentic place.

Narrator: The journey back to our authentic self is not just a mental exercise. LePera argues that true healing must start with the body. For many, a lifetime of stress has led to a profound disconnection from physical sensations. We live in our heads, ignoring the body’s signals until they scream at us through illness or burnout. The author herself experienced this, fainting twice from nervous system dysregulation before realizing, as the saying goes, that her "issues were in her tissues."

Developing "body consciousness" is the first practical step toward healing. This means learning to notice the subtle sensations in our body—the tightness in our chest, the clenching in our jaw, the butterflies in our stomach. These sensations are the raw data of our emotions. By learning to regulate our physical state through practices like intentional breathing, grounding in nature, and mindful movement, we can create a foundation of safety within our own bodies. Only when we feel safe internally can we begin to feel safe with others.

Narrator: Once we establish a sense of safety in the body, we can turn to the mind. LePera explains that our ego’s primary job is to protect our hurt inner child by creating stories or narratives that make sense of our past pain. These "ego stories" are often limiting beliefs like "I am unworthy," "I must be perfect to be loved," or "Emotions make me weak."

Consider Trevor, a man raised by an authoritarian father who constantly dismissed his feelings. Trevor’s ego created the story: "Emotions make men weak." As an adult, this story caused him to suppress all feelings except anger, making it impossible for him to connect authentically with his romantic partners. Developing "mind consciousness" involves learning to witness these stories without judgment. It’s about recognizing that a thought is just a thought, not an absolute truth. By questioning these narratives, we can begin to separate our present reality from the pain of our past and choose new, more empowering beliefs.

Narrator: The final piece of the internal healing puzzle is reconnecting with the heart. LePera describes the heart not just as a pump, but as a center of profound intelligence and intuition. Research from the HeartMath Institute shows the heart has its own network of neurons and sends more signals to the brain than the brain sends to the heart. It also generates a powerful electromagnetic field that others can sense.

When our heart, brain, and emotions are aligned, we achieve a state of "heart coherence." This state allows us to access our deepest intuition and inner wisdom. The story of Hassan illustrates this perfectly. Pressured by his family, Hassan was miserably pursuing a medical career he didn't want. Through therapy, he began to check in with his heart and rediscovered a long-lost passion for art and design. By following his heart's truth, he not only found a fulfilling career path but also gained the confidence to live more authentically in his relationships.

Narrator: Healing ourselves is the foundation, but relationships are where that healing is tested and strengthened. LePera introduces the concept of "co-regulation," where we use our own calm nervous system to help soothe someone else's. This is something attuned parents do naturally for their children, but it's a skill we can all learn as adults.

This is powerfully demonstrated in the story of Alejandra and Luca. Their relationship was stuck in a push-pull dynamic rooted in Luca's past trauma. Instead of continuing to push, Alejandra focused on regulating her own nervous system. When she approached difficult conversations from a calm, grounded state, she created a safe space for Luca. Her regulated presence helped co-regulate his nervous system, allowing him to open up and connect in a way he never could before. This is the shift from codependence to interdependence—where two whole, self-regulated individuals can support each other without losing themselves.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from How to Be the Love You Seek is a radical shift in responsibility. The love, safety, and connection we crave are not things to be extracted from others; they are states to be cultivated within ourselves. The book dismantles the fantasy that finding the right person will fix us. Instead, it offers a practical, science-backed roadmap to becoming the right person for ourselves first.

The journey Dr. LePera outlines is not easy. It requires the courage to face our deepest wounds and the discipline to build new habits of self-awareness and self-care. But its promise is profound: by healing our relationship with our own body, mind, and heart, we finally gain the power to break the cycles of the past and create the authentic, loving, and fulfilling connections we have always deserved. The ultimate challenge, then, is to stop seeking love and start being it.