Laura: Most relationship advice is wrong. It tells you to find the 'right person.' What if the secret to lasting love isn't about finding someone else, but about becoming an adult yourself? And what if that means embracing conflict, not avoiding it? Sophia: I love that framing. Because you’re right, the entire cultural narrative is a scavenger hunt for 'The One.' We're told that once you find them, everything just clicks into place. But real life is never that clean. It's messy. Laura: It’s incredibly messy. And that's the central idea in David Richo's book, How to Be an Adult in Relationships. He argues that we spend so much energy on the search, we forget to build the skills for the actual relationship. Sophia: David Richo... he's not your typical self-help guru, is he? The name sounds familiar, but I feel like his approach is different. Laura: Not at all. He's a psychotherapist with over 50 years of experience, but he's also deeply influenced by Eastern spirituality, particularly Buddhist mindfulness. He's this fascinating blend of a clinician and a spiritual teacher, which gives the book a unique depth. It’s been highly acclaimed for this very reason, though some readers find the spiritual angle a bit much. Sophia: Okay, so we're getting a therapist's practical advice mixed with a philosopher's wisdom. I'm in. Where does he start? Laura: He starts with the absolute foundation, something he calls the Five A's. He believes this is the secret language of love that most of us were never taught, and its absence is why so many well-intentioned relationships crumble.

Sophia: The Five A's. That sounds like a checklist. What are they? Laura: They are Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing. And they’re less of a checklist and more of a diagnostic tool for love. Richo’s point is that these five things are what make us feel truly seen and safe, starting from childhood. Sophia: Ah, so this goes back to our parents. Of course it does. Laura: It always does, doesn't it? Richo has this powerful little story in the book that makes it crystal clear. Imagine a young child who is about to go to school for the first time and is terrified. He tells his mother, "I'm scared." Sophia: A classic moment of childhood terror. I remember that feeling. Laura: Exactly. Now, in one scenario, the mother shames him. She says, "Don't be a baby! Big boys aren't afraid. You march right into that school." She dismisses his feeling. The child learns that his fear is wrong, that he is wrong. He learns to feel shame. Sophia: Oh, that's brutal. And sadly, very common. Laura: But in the second scenario, the mother practices the Five A's. She gives him her full Attention. She kneels down, looks him in the eye, and says, "I hear that you're scared." That's Acceptance. She doesn't try to fix it or deny it. Then she offers Affection—a hug. She shows Appreciation: "It takes a lot of courage to do something new, and I'm proud of you for facing this." And finally, Allowing: "It's okay to be scared. I'll walk in with you and stay for a little while." Sophia: Wow. The difference is night and day. The first child is abandoned emotionally, while the second one is... held. He learns that fear is manageable, not something to be ashamed of. Laura: Precisely. And Richo argues that as adults, we are unconsciously seeking partners who can give us the 'A's' we missed. The problem is, we often don't even know what to ask for, and our partners don't know what to give. Sophia: That makes so much sense. They're like emotional nutrients. If you're deficient in one, the whole system starts to suffer. But I have a question about 'Allowing.' Does that just mean letting your partner do whatever they want? Where do boundaries come in? Laura: That's a great question, and a common point of confusion. 'Allowing' isn't about being a doormat. It's about allowing your partner the freedom to be their authentic self—to have their own feelings, opinions, and path, even if it's different from yours. It’s about letting go of the need to control them. Boundaries are still crucial; you can allow someone their feelings while still having a boundary about how they express those feelings to you. Sophia: Okay, so it’s allowing their being, not necessarily all of their behavior. That’s a critical distinction. It’s about respecting their inner world. Laura: Exactly. And when these Five A's are flowing, relationships feel wonderful. It's the romance phase. But eventually, that phase ends.

Sophia: Right. And that’s when real life hits. The romance fades, the toilet seat gets left up, and the fighting starts. So what do the Five A's do for you then? Laura: This is where Richo's most counterintuitive idea comes in. He says the conflict phase isn't a sign that the relationship is failing. It's a sign that it's beginning. It's a necessary storm that, if navigated correctly, leads to real, durable love. Sophia: Hold on. You're telling me that more fighting could be a good thing? That sounds completely exhausting and like terrible advice. Laura: It sounds that way, but he distinguishes between destructive fighting and productive conflict. Destructive fighting is about blame and winning. It’s full of "you" statements: "You always do this!" or "You never listen!" Sophia: Guilty as charged. That’s the default for most of us, I think. Laura: It is. But productive conflict, he argues, is about understanding. He tells the story of a couple, Margo and Evan. Evan was very sensitive to criticism, and Margo was frustrated by his sloppiness. For years, she'd say, "You're such a slob! Why can't you pick up your clothes?" And he would explode. It was a toxic cycle. Sophia: A classic standoff. So how did they break it? Laura: Margo, through her own work, learned to switch from a "you" statement to an "I" statement. Instead of attacking him, she reported her own feelings. She started saying, "When I see clothes on the floor, I feel anxious and overwhelmed." Sophia: Okay, but that feels so... therapeutic and unnatural in a real fight. Who has the presence of mind for that when they're angry? Laura: Almost no one, at first! And that's the point of the book's emphasis on mindfulness. It's a practice. It's about building the mental muscle to pause, even for a second, before reacting. When Margo made that shift, Evan didn't feel attacked. He heard her distress instead of her judgment, and he could finally respond with empathy. The conflict became a bridge to connection, not a wall. Sophia: So the conflict itself isn't the problem, it's the way we do it. And often, these fights are about something deeper, right? Laura: Absolutely. Richo says conflict is when our two biggest, most primal fears rush in: the fear of engulfment, which is the fear of being smothered or losing ourselves in the relationship, and the fear of abandonment, the terror of being left alone. One partner might pull away seeking space, triggering the other's fear of abandonment, who then clings tighter, which in turn triggers the first partner's fear of engulfment. It's a vicious cycle. Sophia: And we're usually completely unaware that this is what's actually happening beneath the surface of an argument about who was supposed to take out the trash. Laura: Exactly. The fight is never about the trash. It's about these deep fears. And the only way to break the cycle is to address the real issue. But there's one thing that stops us from doing that every single time.

Sophia: Let me guess. The ego? Laura: The ego. The final boss of every relationship. Richo defines the ego as that part of us that needs to be right, to be in control, to win the argument, and to protect itself at all costs. It's the voice that says, "I'm not the problem, you are." Intimacy is about 'we,' but the ego is only interested in 'I.' Sophia: When you say 'ego,' are we just talking about arrogance? Or is it something sneakier than that? Laura: It's much sneakier. And it can be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Richo tells the most chilling story in the book about a woman named Edna Sue. By day, Edna Sue is a chief loan officer at a bank. She's competent, respected, and has a healthy, functional ego. She makes smart decisions and manages a team. Sophia: Okay, sounds like she has it all together. Laura: But at 5 p.m., she goes home. And at home, her ego completely transforms. She lives with an abusive, cocaine-addicted boyfriend named Earl Joe. He steals her money, he's broken her wrist, and he's emotionally cruel. Her ego at home is not arrogant; it's what Richo calls an 'impoverished ego.' It's so terrified of abandonment that it will do anything to keep him from leaving, including completely abandoning her own needs, safety, and even her own son. Sophia: That's a horrifying example. It shows that the ego isn't just about being a narcissist. It can be this deep-seated fear that makes you completely betray yourself. She has a functional ego at work and a deeply dysfunctional one at home. Laura: Exactly. And her story shows the ultimate price of letting a dysfunctional ego run your life. It will burn everything to the ground just to avoid feeling a core fear. This is why Richo's work, while practical, is also deeply spiritual. He's saying you have to do the work to recognize and gently dismantle this part of yourself. Sophia: I can see how some readers might find this focus on ego and spirituality a bit abstract or "New Age." They might ask, isn't this just overthinking things? Can't you just communicate better? Laura: You could see it that way. But Richo would argue that you can't communicate better until you understand what is preventing you from doing so. The ego is the saboteur. You don't have to subscribe to any spiritual belief system to see the practical truth in that. It's a framework for self-awareness. Recognizing your ego's tricks is the first step to not falling for them.

Sophia: So if you had to boil all this down, from the Five A's to fighting our fears to taming the ego, what's the one core shift in thinking Richo is asking us to make? Laura: He's asking us to stop seeing love as a destination—the prize you get for finding 'The One'—and start seeing it as a practice. A mindful, moment-to-moment practice. It's the practice of giving and receiving the Five A's, the practice of navigating conflict with courage instead of blame, and the practice of gently asking our ego to take a backseat so our heart can drive. Sophia: It’s a verb, not a noun. Love is something you do, not something you have. Laura: That's a perfect way to put it. It’s not about being perfect partners. It's about being present partners. And that's why the title is so brilliant. It's not "How to Find an Adult Partner." It's "How to Be an Adult" yourself. The work starts with us. Sophia: That's both daunting and incredibly empowering. It puts the locus of control back in your own hands. Laura: It does. And he ends the book with a simple, profound question. He suggests the most important question we can ask ourselves isn't 'Have I found the right person?' but rather, 'Am I getting better at loving?' Sophia: That's a powerful question to sit with. It changes the entire goal. We'd love to hear what you all think. After hearing this, what's one of the 'Five A's'—Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, or Allowing—that you realize you need more of in your own life? Let us know on our socials. It’s a conversation worth having. Laura: This is Aibrary, signing off.