Mark: Most self-help tells you to become a new person. A better, shinier, more productive version of yourself. But what if the real secret is that the best version of you already exists, and you've just forgotten how to talk to them? Michelle: Okay, I'm intrigued. So we're not building a new house, we're just... dusting off the furniture? Finding the original floor plan under all the clutter we've accumulated? Mark: Exactly. The journey isn't transformation; it's restoration. And that's the core of the book we're talking about today: How Am I Doing?: 40 Conversations to Have with Yourself by Dr. Corey Yeager. Michelle: That title alone feels like a deep breath. It’s not "How to Be Better," it's just a check-in. Mark: It is. And what's fascinating is that Dr. Yeager isn't your typical self-help author. He's a licensed therapist with a PhD, but he's also the psychotherapist for the NBA's Detroit Pistons. He brings this incredible blend of clinical psychology and high-performance sports mentality to the table. Michelle: Wow, so he's coming from a place of restoring elite performers to their peak, not necessarily fixing something that's fundamentally broken. That already changes the entire frame of the conversation. Mark: It absolutely does. The book received really strong endorsements from professionals, like the author Lori Gottlieb, who praised it for being a practical roadmap to self-awareness. It’s less about abstract theory and more about a direct, honest dialogue with the one person you can't escape: yourself.

Mark: And he starts that dialogue with a question that feels almost radical in our culture. The very first of the forty conversations is: "Who is the most important person in your life?" His answer is unequivocal: It has to be you. Michelle: Hold on. That immediately sets off my 'that sounds selfish' alarm. In a world that’s constantly telling us to be selfless, to be community-minded, how does he justify that? Isn't that just a recipe for narcissism? Mark: That’s the immediate reaction, right? But he provides a fantastic personal story to reframe it. He talks about needing what he calls a 'Corey Day.' On this day, he completely unplugs—he won't take any calls, not even from his wife. Michelle: Ooh, that’s a bold move. I can imagine that conversation. Mark: He says he does it not to be selfish, but so he can recharge and come back as a better husband, a better father, and a better therapist. His point is that you can't pour from an empty cup. He has this great line: "Before I can be a good brother, father, husband, friend, therapist, or coach to anyone, I have to be a good Corey for Corey." Michelle: Okay, that lands differently. It’s not about indulgence, it’s about maintenance. It’s strategic self-care. It’s like an athlete’s recovery day—it’s part of the training, not a break from it. Mark: Precisely. And this connects directly to the foreword, which was written by the Pistons' star player, Cade Cunningham. Cunningham talks about how Dr. Yeager introduced this concept of 'restoration' to the team. The idea is that the greatest version of the team, or of yourself, already exists. You just need the awareness and the blueprint to restore it. It's a shift from the pressure of constant reinvention to the power of rediscovery. Michelle: I find that so much more hopeful. The idea that I don't have to build a new 'me' from scratch, but that the best 'me' is in there somewhere, waiting to be uncovered. It feels more achievable. But it also begs the question… if the answer is already inside us, why is it so hard to find?

Mark: And that is the perfect transition to his method. Because he acknowledges that just 'thinking harder' doesn't work. Like you said, your brain just goes in circles. So he offers these incredible metaphors to explain the process. Michelle: I love a good metaphor. Lay it on me. Mark: He asks you to imagine your backyard is covered in dandelions, and you have a big party coming up. The quick, easy fix is to just mow the lawn. It looks great for the party, everything is clean and green. But a few days later... Michelle: They're all back. The dandelions. And they’ve brought friends. I feel personally attacked by this story. That is my entire approach to my email inbox, my closet, pretty much everything. Mark: (Laughs) You and me both. And he says that's what most surface-level self-help or behavior modification is—it's just mowing the lawn. It addresses the symptom, not the cause. His approach, which is grounded in what’s called narrative-solution focused therapy, is about getting your hands covered in dirt, spending the whole afternoon out there, and pulling up the entire root system of those dandelions. Michelle: That's such a powerful image. It’s messy, it’s time-consuming, and it’s probably not fun while you’re doing it. But it's the only thing that actually solves the problem for the long term. Mark: Exactly. It's about getting to the 'why' behind your patterns. But he also knows that sounds intimidating. So he offers another frame for it. He says, "To me, therapy is conversation. And conversation—when there’s humor, openness, and curiosity—is like playing on a playground." Michelle: A playground? That’s the last word I would associate with therapy. It’s usually pictured as this very sterile, serious, somber event. Mark: Right. But he sees it as a space for exploration. You take turns, you share stories, you embrace the unknown, and sometimes, as he puts it, "you stumble into magic." It completely demystifies the process. It’s not about a doctor diagnosing a patient; it’s about two curious people exploring a story together. It makes the hard work of pulling up those dandelions feel less like a chore and more like an adventure. Michelle: That approach alone feels like it could unlock so much for people who are afraid to even start. The permission to be playful and curious about your own life, instead of just critical.

Mark: And once you've started that 'playful' digging, he doesn't just leave you there. He gives you these concrete, actionable tools to build a structure for your life. One of my absolute favorites is the idea of assembling your own personal 'supreme court.' Michelle: A supreme court? Like, nine judges in black robes who are going to rule on my life choices? I'm picturing them gaveling down my decision to eat ice cream for breakfast. Mark: (Laughs) Almost! He says you need to identify three to five people in your life who can be your trusted truth-tellers. The key is, they aren't just yes-men who will agree with you. They are people who know you so well that they can reflect your own values back to you when you're lost. Michelle: Ah, so they’re not there to give you answers, but to remind you of the answers you already have. Mark: Precisely. He tells this incredible story about when he was in college. He was struggling, feeling out of place, and he called his mom, ready to quit. He was looking for her to say, "Oh, honey, come home." But she didn't. She said, "You chose it. No one forced you. It’s time to step up and figure out how to make that choice the right one." She was on his supreme court. She knew his values of perseverance and she held him to them. Michelle: Wow. That is some tough love. But it's also so empowering. It puts the responsibility right back on you. It’s not about making the 'right' choice, but about making the choice right. That’s a huge shift. Mark: It's a game-changer. And another tool he offers is identifying your 'genius.' And again, he reframes the word. It's not about being an Einstein-level intellect. He uses the original definition: "a peculiar, distinctive, or identifying character or spirit." It's that thing that is uniquely you. Michelle: So what's his? Mark: He identifies his genius as being a 'connector.' He traces it back to his childhood, growing up in a close-knit community in Kansas, on his Uncle Will's farm. He was always the one who could bridge gaps between people. And he says once you know your genius, you can use it to benefit others, which is deeply satisfying. Michelle: That’s fantastic. It’s about finding that one thing you do, maybe without even thinking about it, that is your unique contribution. For him it's connecting people, for someone else it might be bringing levity to a tense room, or being the person who can see a complex problem and instantly break it down into simple steps.

Mark: And when you put all of these pieces together—the radical self-prioritization, the deep-digging conversations on the 'playground,' and these practical tools like the supreme court—you get a really powerful system for living with intention. It's not about a one-time fix. It's about creating a life that has 'movement,' as he says. He wants us to be rivers, not ponds. Michelle: I love that. A river is always flowing, changing, adapting. A pond can become stagnant. And what really strikes me about this whole approach is how it feels both incredibly gentle and incredibly demanding at the same time. Mark: How so? Michelle: It's gentle because the core idea is restoration, not replacement. You're working with what's already there. But it's demanding because it asks you to take full, unadulterated responsibility. Dr. Yeager is essentially saying: You are the author of your story. You know yourself best. You are the most important person in your life. And you have to build your own support system. There are no excuses. Mark: That's the perfect summary. It's a profound sense of personal agency. And that's the ultimate takeaway from the book. He closes with this powerful line: "Awareness is your power, curiosity is your weapon, and your actions are the story the world will tell long after you’re gone." It’s a call to be the conscious author of your own life. Michelle: It really is. So I think the question for our listeners today is a simple one, but a deep one. Who is on your supreme court? Take a minute after this episode to actually think about it. Who are the three to five people you would call when you're at a crossroads? It's a fascinating and revealing exercise. Mark: A perfect place to start that conversation with yourself. This is Aibrary, signing off.