Olivia: What if the American Dream of 'pulling yourself up by your bootstraps' is a lie? And the only reason it even looks possible is because millions of women are secretly holding the ladder, getting their fingers crushed in the process. Jackson: Wow, that's a powerful image. That's a heavy way to start. It paints a picture of a system that’s not just flawed, but actively sacrificial. Olivia: It's the core argument of the book we're diving into today: Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net by Jessica Calarco. And Calarco isn't just an armchair philosopher; she's a sociologist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison who based this on years of intense research. We're talking over 400 hours of in-depth interviews and thousands of surveys. She lived this with families. Jackson: So this isn't just theory, it's based on lived experience. That makes it even more potent. The book has been highly acclaimed for exactly that reason, for blending that rigorous data with故事 that feel so real. Where do we even start with unpacking that? Olivia: Let's start with the central metaphor Calarco uses, which is both brilliant and terrifying: The DIY Society Pyramid Scheme.

Jackson: Okay, a pyramid scheme? That sounds extreme. How does Calarco justify that language? It sounds like something you'd see in a late-night infomercial, not a description of American society. Olivia: It’s a deliberately provocative term, but she backs it up. She argues that our 'Do-It-Yourself' society, this ideal that anyone can succeed on their own, is built like a pyramid. At the very top, you have the 'engineers and profiteers'—the wealthy, the corporations, the policymakers—who promise riches to anyone who can climb up. Jackson: The American Dream, right? Work hard, climb the ladder. Olivia: Exactly. But here’s the catch. Calarco says they’ve taken away the social safety net—the very thing that would make it possible to climb without taking on all-consuming risk. There's no universal healthcare, no affordable childcare, no paid family leave. So, how do you climb? Jackson: You just have to be… really, really careful not to fall? Olivia: Or, as the book puts it, "the safest path upward involves climbing on the backs of others." And at the very bottom of this pyramid, providing the stability for everyone else's climb, are mothers. Especially the most vulnerable mothers. They are the human safety net. Jackson: That is a dark way to reframe it. So it's like a Jenga tower, where women are the bottom blocks. If they wobble, the whole thing collapses, but we only ever praise the person who put the last block on top. Olivia: That’s a perfect analogy. And Calarco gives us a heart-wrenching example of this with a woman named Akari. Akari is a participant in her study, a mother who is barely scraping by. She’s juggling a patchwork of government programs—welfare, food stamps, Medicaid, rental assistance, subsidized childcare. These programs aren't lifting her out of poverty; they're just making it slightly more bearable. Jackson: So she’s living on the edge, completely dependent on this frayed, patchy net. Olivia: Completely. And her story shows how the system is designed. She is absorbing all the risk. She’s the one dealing with the emotional toll of financial hardship, the stress of parenting under pressure, and the constant fear of one small thing going wrong and sending her family into a tailspin. Her struggle, and the struggle of millions of women like her, is what allows the people higher up the pyramid to believe they made it all on their own. Jackson: Because their success is built on her precarity. Her unpaid, or underpaid, labor is the invisible subsidy for the entire system. Olivia: Precisely. The book’s central thesis is captured in one devastating quote: "In essence, the US has decided that we can get by without a social safety net because women will protect us instead." Jackson: And that protection is drowning them. The book’s description says this choice is leaving society "sicker, sadder, and more stressed." It's not just a problem for women; it's a problem for everyone. Olivia: It is. And that leads to the next big question the book tackles. If this system is so exploitative, why do women participate? Why don't they just... opt out? Jackson: Yeah, why do they get caught in this trap in the first place? Olivia: Well, that's the thing. Calarco argues it's not a trap you fall into. It's a trap that's been designed.

Jackson: 'Trapped by design.' That implies intent. It suggests the system is working exactly as it's supposed to, which is a chilling thought. How does this design work? Olivia: It starts early. The book talks about how girls are groomed to be "mothers-in-waiting." From a young age, they're socialized to be caregivers. Think about the toys they're given, the chores they're assigned, the way they're praised for being nurturing. It equates womanhood with motherhood, making it seem "natural" for women to provide care. Jackson: So it's baked into our culture from day one. But grooming is one thing. The book uses the word 'forced.' That’s a much stronger claim. Olivia: It is, and Calarco supports it with powerful, personal stories that show how this isn't really a choice for many women. Let's look at two contrasting examples from the book: Brooke and Audrey. Jackson: Okay. Olivia: Brooke never wanted to be a mother. Her goal was to get her college degree and build a stable life for herself first. She grew up in a conservative Christian family with a turbulent home life and was determined to avoid that. But in college, she has an unintended pregnancy. Jackson: A classic fork-in-the-road moment for so many people. Olivia: Exactly. Initially, she and her boyfriend plan to have an abortion. But her mother takes her for an ultrasound, and seeing the heartbeat changes everything for Brooke. She decides to keep the baby. Her mother promises to help with childcare, but after the baby is born, that support falls through. Her parents work low-wage jobs and can't provide reliable care. Jackson: So she's left stranded. Olivia: Completely. Suddenly, she's a single mother. She can't afford to finish college because childcare costs more than she could possibly earn in a part-time job. She's forced to drop out and take a low-wage retail job she hates, all while navigating the bureaucratic maze of government assistance. She is, in every sense of the word, trapped. Her life's trajectory was fundamentally altered by a system with no support for a situation millions of women face. Jackson: Her story shows how the lack of a safety net—affordable childcare, paid leave—makes motherhood a trap rather than a choice. It derails her entire future. Olivia: And then you have Audrey's story, which is different but equally devastating. Audrey is already a mother and is married. She and her husband had planned on a second child, but after she loses her job during the pandemic and her postpartum depression worsens, she decides she wants to wait. Jackson: A reasonable decision, given the circumstances. Olivia: You'd think. But they were using the withdrawal method for birth control, and one night, her husband doesn't pull out. He doesn't ask. She becomes pregnant. Jackson: Oh, wow. That's... not an accident. Olivia: That's exactly how Audrey describes it. She says, "It wasn’t an accident. It was a choice; it just wasn’t my choice." She even feels the term 'sexual assault' is appropriate because it was something she didn't consent to. Jackson: That is an incredibly heavy and complex situation. What does she do? Olivia: She considers abortion and divorce, but she's trapped by other forces. Her tight-knit church community, which is her main support system, is strongly against both. She's also financially dependent. Her husband is the primary earner, and she can't afford childcare or medical debt on her own. So she stays. She has the baby. And she's left in an unhappy marriage, feeling like she failed both of her children because of circumstances that were forced upon her. Jackson: Audrey's story is just heartbreaking. To feel like a choice was made for you, not by you... that's a profound violation. And it shows how the 'trap' isn't just about policy; it's about social pressure, religion, and relationship dynamics. Olivia: Exactly. Brooke was forced into motherhood, and Audrey was forced to have more kids. Both were trapped by a system that offers no good choices. And to keep this whole precarious system from collapsing, to keep women like Brooke and Audrey from revolting, the 'engineers' of the DIY society sell us some very powerful myths.

Jackson: Myths. Okay, so we're moving from the mechanics of the trap to the ideology that keeps it locked. What are these myths? Olivia: The book focuses on two big ones that work in tandem: The Meritocracy Myth and the Mars/Venus Myth. Jackson: I think I know where this is going. The Meritocracy Myth is the idea that if you just work hard enough, you'll succeed, right? Olivia: Precisely. It’s the idea that success is purely a product of "good choices." Proponents of this, often from conservative think tanks, push something called the 'Success Sequence': finish high school, get a full-time job, and get married before you have kids. They present it as a foolproof recipe for avoiding poverty. Jackson: And if you don't follow the recipe, it's your fault you're struggling. It’s a way of blaming the individual for systemic failures. Olivia: It's a classic form of gaslighting. The book features the story of Jocelyn, who tried to follow this sequence. She got married, wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, but her husband couldn't find stable work. She ended up working multiple low-wage jobs, their marriage fell apart under the strain, and she ended up in an even more precarious situation. The 'good choices' didn't save her because the system is stacked against her. Jackson: So the Meritocracy Myth is the first line of defense. It says, "It's your fault if you fail." What's the second myth? Olivia: The Mars/Venus Myth. This is the old, tired idea that men and women are fundamentally different, biologically hardwired for different roles. Men are the hunters, the providers, the logical ones. Women are the gatherers, the nurturers, the emotional ones. Jackson: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I remember that book being everywhere. Olivia: And Calarco argues that this myth is making a huge comeback, especially online. It's used to justify the unequal division of labor. If women are 'naturally' better at caregiving, then it's not exploitation for them to do all the work—it's just them fulfilling their biological destiny. It allows men to benefit from the system without feeling guilty. Jackson: It's a perfect combination. The Meritocracy Myth says, "You're to blame for your struggle," and the Mars/Venus Myth says, "And by the way, this struggle is your natural role anyway." It's a one-two punch that leaves women with no room to complain. Olivia: And it gets worse. The book shows how men who claim to be egalitarians still benefit from this. She tells the story of Dennis, who says he and his wife aren't a "typical fifties family," but he still encouraged her to quit her job to be a homemaker because it "just kind of worked out that way." He opposes universal childcare because he thinks his wife is happier at home, ignoring the fact that this arrangement gives him a huge advantage. Jackson: He gets the perks of patriarchy while claiming to be a modern, enlightened guy. Olivia: Exactly. And Calarco says these myths are what "muzzle women who try to complain." If you object, you're either lazy and not making good choices, or you're going against your own nature. It’s a brilliant, insidious system for maintaining the status quo.

Jackson: This is all incredibly eye-opening, but it also feels a bit hopeless. If the system is this well-designed, and the myths are this powerful, what's the takeaway? If individual 'good choices' won't save us, what will? Olivia: That's the book's final, powerful point. The solution isn't individual. You can't 'lean in' hard enough to fix a broken system. Calarco argues that the only way out is to recognize our "linked fates." The struggles of a low-income mother like Akari are directly connected to the choices available to a high-earning professional woman like Virginia, who outsources her care work to other, more vulnerable women. Jackson: So we're all caught in the same web, just in different places. Olivia: We are. And the book ends with a call for what she terms a "union of care." She draws inspiration from a real historical event: Iceland's Women's Day Off in 1975. On that day, 90% of the women in Iceland refused to do any work—paid or unpaid. They didn't cook, they didn't clean, they didn't do their jobs, they didn't do childcare. Jackson: Wow. What happened? Olivia: The country ground to a halt. It was a stunning demonstration of how essential women's labor, both visible and invisible, truly is. It forced a national conversation and led to major policy changes. Jackson: So the first step isn't to work harder within the system, but to collectively expose the system for what it is. And maybe, to start talking to each other about how we're all being held together by this invisible net. Olivia: That's the hope. It's about building solidarity, bridging the gaps between us, and demanding a real, sturdy social safety net that catches everyone, not just one that's patched together by the sacrifices of women. Jackson: A powerful and necessary conversation. It really reframes the debate from personal responsibility to collective action. Olivia: It absolutely does. This is Aibrary, signing off.